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(Starring: MrsPepper, Vic Romano, ThePrawnCracker, D’Snowth, TogetherAgain, Vibs, and Beauregard)
Episode #: 27
Title: “A T*K*O Biography, Part 1”
Original Airdate: 01-Jun-2006
Written By: D’Snowth
Created By: MrsPepper
Special Celebrity Guest Appearance By: Harry Smith
Our story opens today in a dim studio. Inside the studio were three cameras with their own cameramen, on the stage were two chairs. In one chair was Biography host Harry Smith, in the other chair, out of uniform and in a lovely dress was MrsPepper. Harry Smith and A&E was doing a Biography special on T*K*O, and the 3976th 1/2 was the lucky winner. Suddenly, a voice over the PA speaker in the studio came on.
DIRECTOR: (Over PA system) Stand by in the studio!
The studio lights suddenly blasted on, catching MrsPepper by surprise. One of the cameramen was signaling the countdown to them.
DIRECTOR: (Over PA) Five...four...three...two...one...take it!
HARRY SMITH: Good evening, I’m Harry Smith. Tonight on Biography, we explore what life is like at T*K*O, this of course stands for Thread Killers Organization, which of course means the people who work in this organization spend their time killing threads at various forums and message boards on the internet. Tonight we will be speaking with the staff of the best T*K*O unit, the 3976th 1/2. With us now is the unit’s C.E.O. and commanding officer, MrsPepper. MrsPepper, how did you get the job of being president of a T*K*O unit?
MRSPEPPER: Well, I myself had established myself as a thread killer early on, as I noticed I began killing threads. I thought it would be a nice idea if I joined some kind of group for thread killers. I heard about an opening for a new T*K*O unit, so I jumped at the opportunity.
HARRY SMITH: And that’s how the 3976th 1/2 came to be?
MRSPEPPER: Well, sort of, you see, the 3976th was already taken, and we didn’t want the 3977th, so we formed the 3976th 1/2.
HARRY SMITH: What exactly is a thread killer, and what do they do?
MRSPEPPER: Well, you’re officially a thread killer if you’ve had a history of driving people away from threads. And by that I mean, like if you post in a popular thread, and people start to drop the subject afterwards, or if you start your own thread that tends to be ignored, then you’re definitely a thread killer.
HARRY SMITH: What is it like to be in charge of your own T*K*O unit and the thread killers you work with?
MRSPEPPER: I honestly can’t imagine doing anything else! It can be very tough at times, especially when you have somebody like Number One who actually overlooks all of the T*K*O units.
HARRY SMITH: You must have a lot of beef with him then?
MRSPEPPER: (Sighs) I have never been able to please him much, but I do remember one time...
Cue Flashback.
NUMBER ONE: National T*K*O Headquarters, Number One, speaking, how can we kill your threads today?
VIC ROMANO: Listen here sir, we love MrsPepper, and we happen to think she’s an excellent commanding officer!
VIBS: That’s right, MrsP is an intelligent and strong woman, and she doesn’t deserve to be treated this way!
THEPRAWNCRACKER: What difference does it make if MrsPepper is a woman? She’s just as good, no, better than any other commanding officer at any other T*K*O branch in this outfit!
TOGETHERAGAIN: And if you’ve got a problem with MrsPepper, then you’ve got a problem with us!
When MrsPepper saw all of this before her, she suddenly felt a weight lifted off her shoulders.
NUMBER ONE: (Over speaker phone) Have you all finished?
VIC ROMANO: For now sir, yes.
NUMBER ONE: (Over speaker phone) Don’t call us, we’ll call you! (Hangs up)
VIC ROMANO: Well, I certainly feel better.
THEPRAWNCRACKER, TOGETHERAGAIN, VIBS, and D’SNOWTH: Me too…
MRSPEPPER: ME TOO!
End Flashback.
HARRY SMITH: So you pretty much have your ups and downs with this job?
MRSPEPPER: Well, what job doesn’t come with ups and downs? But I must say with the wonderful people I work with, the ups certain outshine the downs.
HARRY SMITH: Would you consider the people who work for you like a second family?
MRSPEPPER: Absolutely, when you’ve worked with certain people for quite a while, you start to get close to them, and I’ve definitely gotten close to a lot, in not all of the people there.
HARRY SMITH: What’s the hardest thing you’ve had to put up with as president of this unit?
MRSPEPPER: Well...
Cue Flashback.
VIBS: WHATTA WE WANT?
OTHERS: A CONTRACT!
VIBS: WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OTHERS: NOW!
VIC ROMANO: (Seeing D’Snowth) Hey boys, it’s the VP! Kick ‘er on into high gear!
VIBS: Right! (Begins to yell at D’Snowth) Hey, if you don’t give us a contract, we’ll kill the wrong threads!
KERMIEBABY47: Yeah, and we’ll come and go as we please!
THAT ANNOUNCER: Yeah, and we’ll dump all the milk in the cafeteria!
D’SNOWTH: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Not my milk!
End Flashback.
HARRY SMITH: So how did you all eventually settle this little dilemma?
MRSPEPPER: They eventually agreed to a mediator, but that didn’t do them any good, in fact, it drove them crazy, so they gave in.
HARRY SMITH: Well those are certainly some interesting insights MrsPepper. (To camera) Don’t go away, coming up next, we’ll be chatting with the 3976th 1/2’s chief thread killer, Vic Romano. We’ll be back after this.
Commercial Break.
HARRY SMITH: Welcome back to Biography, I’m Harry Smith. Tonight were looking at life at T*K*O, and with us now is the 3976th 1/2’s chief thread killer, Vic Romano. Mr. Romano, what is it like to be chief thread killer? What’s the job description?
VIC ROMANO: As chief thread killer, I am usually assigned some of the more active and popular threads at the Muppet Central forum, while at the same time, monitor the rest of the thread killers to make sure they’re killing the threads assigned to them.
HARRY SMITH: Does the job ever get, you know, tedious? Do you ever come across threads that seem impossible to kill?
VIC ROMANO: Oh boy, could I tell you stories! There was one time...
Cue Flashback.
D’SNOWTH: There’s a little pest who’s created a coalition of MC members who are gonna try to keep a thread over in Friends and Family alive forever.
Over the course of five days, the thread remained unkilled, with Ziffel’s evil coalition working their butts off to keep the thread alive. Finally, the workers were exasperated. They gathered in MrsPepper’s office to explain. D’Snowth tagged along to hear them out.
VIBS: Look, boss, these guys are evil! We’ve worked our butts off for the past workweek and the thread’s not dying!
VIC ROMANO: Yeah! What are we supposed to do?
End flashback.
HARRY SMITH: So how did you solve this problem?
VIC ROMANO: MrsPepper recruited the help of Beauregard.
HARRY SMITH: Your custodian?
VIC ROMANO: Not OUR custodian, The Muppet Show’s custodian.
HARRY SMITH: MrsPepper recruited the help of a Muppet? How did he handle it?
VIC ROMANO: By posting a post so stupid, no one wanted to post in the thread anymore.
HARRY SMITH: Would you say chief thread killer is the hardest job in your outfit?
VIC ROMANO: Heck no, I would say the C.F.O’s job is the hardest...there was one time I had to fill in for our vice president, D’Snowth, and...
Cue Flashback.
MRSPEPPER: Yes, well. It’ll be your job to make sure everyone get daily files put together right, so before you bring them to me, you’ll have to double check to make sure that everyone has put their papers in the right order in the right pocket. The next day, you should be able to find the folders with new blank sheets in the second filing cabinet to the right in the third drawers. Before you’ll pass them out, you’ll have to make the morning announcements over the P.A. system, which I will show you how to do. Make sure you monitor everyone every minute, keep me updated on any slackers, and when it’s time for lunch, meet me in my office. Any questions?
VIC ROMANO: (Sadly sighs) I’m sorry MrsPepper. I’m so very sorry. You’re right that reaction was totally un-called for. But MrsPepper, I don’t know what all I’m supposed to do, I mean you suddenly select me to do this, and then you just go over every routine once without any detail, and then expect me to know what to do. You didn’t even wait for me to tell you I don’t quite know what to do, I’m at a loss here!
MRSPEPPER: (Raises eyebrow) I see. Well Vic, I must say for once, you’ve shown me the light. If anyone should be apologizing, it should be me… I guess I wasn’t thinking straight, I really should have went into more detail about what all you need to do as temporary second in command.
End Flashback.
HARRY SMITH: I see. Well, don’t go anywhere folks, because our next guest is the 3976th 1/2’s vice thread killer, and recent newcomer, ThePrawnCracker.
Commercial Break.
HARRY SMITH: Welcome back to Biography, I’m Harry Smith. With us now is the vice thread killer of the 3976th 1/2 T*K*O, ThePrawnCracker. Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but you’re not the first thread killer in that position are you?
THEPRAWNCRACKER: No I’m not, actually I’m the replacement of their old vice thread killer, That Announcer.
HARRY SMITH: Where were you before you replaced him?
THEPRAWNCRACKER: Well, I actually was at the 001st, which is the BIG T*K*O unit. And apparently, Number One saw something in That Announcer that he didn’t see in me, so he had us transferred actually, and he had already been vice thread killer there, so that’s the position I ended up in.
HARRY SMITH: How did you feel after the transfer?
THEPRAWNCRACKER: Honestly, I felt like a fish out of water! Everyone there was already chummy with everybody, and then all of the sudden here I come, I don’t know them, they don’t know me, so it was really awkward, but I managed.
HARRY SMITH: Was it hard in the beginning to adjust?
THEPRAWNCRACKER: You know, it was at first, but it actually wasn’t so bad, Vic was there to help me along every step of the way...
Cue Flashback.
VIC ROMANO: (Points to screen) Okay, so you just kill that thread by replying with a stupid remark.
THEPRAWNCRACKER: A stupid remark?
VIC ROMANO: Yeah, just post some sort of off-topic reply.
THEPRAWNCRACKER: That’s all?
VIC ROMANO: That’s all.
THEPRAWNCRACKER: Wow, I like this place a lot better! Over at the 001st, when we killed threads, we had to post off-topic, insult one of the users, abuse the use of smileys, start another thread with the exact same topic, and post at least one sentence in a foreign language.
VIC ROMANO: You’re doing a great job there, Prawnie!
THEPRAWNCRACKER: Well thank you very much!
VIC ROMANO: So tell me what it’s like over at the 001st?
THEPRAWNCRACKER: Boy, it’s tough over there! We have over 900,000.5 cubicles, on 10 floors! The higher rank you are, the higher floor you get to work on! The ranks were custodian, intern, Junior Thread Killer, Union Thread Killer, Full-Fledged Thread Killer, Senior Thread Killer, Vice Thread Killer, Chief Thread Killer, Secretary, C.F.O, and C.E.O. We all have to wear these uniforms: the men wear dark blue shirts with black denim pants, and matching hats. The women wear light blue tops that are one size too small, and navy mini-skirts. Oh, and lunch is served in prison-style, just get your food and shut up
End Flashback.
HARRY SMITH: So it sounds like you quickly proved yourself to be T*K*O material for the 3976th 1/2.
THEPRAWNCRACKER: Apparently I did, because I mean by the end of the day, I received a great deal of praise from not only Vic, but MrsPepper as well, so I must say I’m proud to be a part of the 3976th 1/2.
HARRY SMITH: Thank you very much PrawnCracker. (To camera) Don’t go away folks, because when we come back, we’ll be talking with the 3976th 1/2’s second-in command, D’Snowth, so don’t go away, we’ll be back after this...
TO BE CONTINUED…
Executive Producer: Phillip Chapman
Producer: MrsPepper
Head Writer: D’Snowth
Special Thanks To
That Announcer
KermieBaby47
The Following Writers
D’Snowth
That Announcer
MrsPepper
Ken Levine
David Issacs
The Following Guest Stars
Beauregard
Phillip Chapman as The Voice of Number One
KermieBaby47
Vibs
Ziffel
theprawncracker
BEAR
Princeton
G-Man
AnythingMuppet
Courage-Bagge as Hacker
UNCREDITED as Dingo
Ziffel as Officer Ziffel
And the Following Special Muppet Guest Appearances
George the Janitor
The Gills Brothers
Beauregard
Grover
Executive Producer: Phillip Chapman
Producer: MrsPepper
Head Writer: D’Snowth
Special Thanks To
That Announcer
KermieBaby47
The Following Writers
D’Snowth
That Announcer
MrsPepper
Ken Levine
David Issacs
The Following Guest Stars
Beauregard
Phillip Chapman as The Voice of Number One
KermieBaby47
Vibs
Ziffel
theprawncracker
BEAR
Princeton
G-Man
AnythingMuppet
Courage-Bagge as Hacker
UNCREDITED as Dingo
Ziffel as Officer Ziffel
And the Following Special Muppet Guest Appearances
George the Janitor
The Gills Brothers
Beauregard
Grover
