Swedish Chef Can Cook!

[Redsonga]

Author's Note:
This series is just for fun and will only be updated now and then and will not take away from any of my fraggle writing, so don't worry... I'n not even sure how finished this will ever get, but I wanted to try the idea, since I was raised on too many cooking shows. Being a viewer of the Food Network is nearly required to make any of this funny IMHO. Having been a life long watcher of older PBS cooking shows would be wonderful to ...
And ack, Pepe, why did I write about Pepe? I don't even like him ..Ah well...

#

An overly serious sounding narrators voice speaks over a test pattern with the food network logo and a picture of live muppet duck with an apple in its mouth witch it suddenly swallows whole as the voice rambles on.


The previously scheduled program starring the winner of The Next Food Network Star that mysterious dropped off the face of the earth (allegations of strange noises coming from Rachel Ray's basement are false and otherwise untrue and made by meanies.) will not be seen tonight or any other night so that we at Food Network may bring you a new ongoing series…

A logo of a shadow of the Swedish Chef holding a chicken in one hand and waving with the other with the words "Swedish Chef can cook!" appears as a peppy upbeat theme song jiggle starts.

Swedish Chef can cook!

A clip plays of the chef raising a japanese style clever to chop a fish and losing his grip, sending it flying backward to brake the camera lens.

He's a chef!

The Chef is shown saluting the flag of Sweden with a stalk of celery to his brow.

He's Swedish!

Gonzo is shown taking a ship of something from a spoon he is offered by the chef and his eyes grow wide for he faints dead away.

He cooks things that are delish!

A close up of the Chef taking a shower completely clothed with a shower head that is flowing with salad greens and dressing while singing into a bath brush floats across the screen…

He's a culinary wonder

..followed by a clip of him kissing Paula Dean.

Setting the cooking world asunder, in anyones book!

A chicken walks by a empty screen slowly, clucking to itself…

So come on by

…before suddenly looking up and bawking in horror, leaving behind a tell tale egg and feather as it runs from the spot, where the heavy Swedish Chef Can Cook Logo falls.

and take a look,

The logo sparkles, turning a metallic white and gold color.

At Swedish Chef Can Cook!

 

[Super Scooter]

Ha! Nice! Love the song!

 

[theprawncracker]

HAHAHA! That's great Redsonga! I LOVED the part where he kissed Paula Deen (I happen to find her repulsive... and I think the Chef plucking one on her is just awesome. ) Good stuff!

 

[Katzi428]

Eeeee! LOVE it so far! The Swedish Chef's one of my favorite characters!

 

[Redsonga]

#
Episode 1: Sandwiched (Part 1)
#

The scene is a set made up to look like a common everyday kitchen, only far too clean to be real.

A large painted paper mache chicken sits on a corner of one of the counters where the chef is seen whispering and patting it on the head as the set lights go on to a taped musical jingle of his famous "Yorn desh born, der ritt de gitt der gue, Orn desh, dee born desh, de umn børk! børk! børk!" greeting.

A folk art bust of Julia Child sits on the floor where Pepe the king prawn can be seen sitting on its head, staring at it's real earrings with a look of fascination.

The chief looks up noticing the camera and quickly pushes the chicken off the counter were it falls with a crash and forlorn clucking sound.

"Hellu! I velcume-a yuoo tu my keetchee!"

Pepe hops up on the counter beside The Chef, now wearing one of the Julia Child busts' huge hoop earrings in his own "ear".

"He is the Swedish Chef , and I am Pepe, his interpreter for this episode. (Hey, if Justin Wilson can get a years long series I'm more than qualified, okay?)"

Suddenly, a slightly balding man wearing glasses strolls into view, looking puzzled.

"What's that sound?"

Alton Brown catches sight of the Swedish Chef , who tries to duck behind the previously abused fake chicken .

"What are you doing on my set? Security!"

He turns and notices Pepe, wrinkling his nose.

"Is that a cockroach? ! "

He looks around, lifting up a very heavy looking electric griddle to squash Pepe like a bug…

...Only to be hit by an even heavier cast iron frying pan from behind.

The Swedish Chef blows on his pan like a smoking gun as Alton Brown sinks to the floor slowly with a small 'ow' of pain.

Pepe nods to the chef gratefully.

"Thank you, I am in your debt. Actually, maybe I am just in debit, this guest spot will hardly pay my minimal balance…"

The chef throws the iron pan away to the sound of a braking window.

“Tudey ve-a veell be-a mekeeng a testy toorkey und cheese-a sundveech.”

Pepe gets up close to the unseen viewer.

"Today there will be sandwiches made of turkey. This is to teach you basic cooking skills okay? If you can't make one well..maybe you should be watching less of the fresh food channels and more of the frozen microwave channeling-s if you get what I am saying."

The Chef takes out and pats a long loaf of french bread.

"Furst, ve-a hefe-a tvu sleeces ooff croosty french breed."

Pepe whispers to the viewer.

"Find the most stale loaf of expensive bread you can and chip off two pieces…"

The Chef takes out a long serrated bread knife happily before suddenly screaming in pain, two of his fingers severed.

"Oouuu, oouu zee peeen, zee hoorteeng!"

Pepe yelps, falling off the counter in horror.

The Chef laughs, showing the audience the fake joke hand he cut into.

Pepe groans.

"That is not funny okay? Cut away from yourself, blood is not a tasty sauce you know…"

The Chef nods and begins to cut the bread.

"Und ve-a coot zee breed…"

But the bread is too hard for the bread knife.

He tries a clever.

"Coot zee breed…"

Nothing.

He tosses the clever, this time starting up a rusty looking chain-saw.

"COOT ZEE....!"

Pepe taps The Chef on the shoulder, and stops him an inch away from the bread.

"Say Chef, did you sanitize things before you started today?"

He looks bewildered.

"Suneetize-a?"

"Did you wash your hands, the work station, that horror movie reject chain-saw?

The chef gives Pepe a blank look.

“Nu…”

Pepe's eyes grow wide, as the sound of a police siren goes off.

“Oh no..the food police..they'll be on us like cinnamon on the churros…

Baskerville and Muppy suddenly rush in, wearing police uniforms with the words “food safety broad” on their backs and try to drag the Swedish Chef off screen.

"Vhet? It's my shoo, my keetchee!"

The chef battles away in the background with a strainer and a mustard bottle as Pepe looks at the camera.

"We'll be back after these messages okay?"

#

Flashes of light and sound fill the screen like someone of flipping though channels. It pauses for a moment on a program that has already started. Oprah is on her everyday set, interviewing a woman wear a green and white sundress, oversized sunglasses, and a large white floppy hat.


“Today's topic: "Interfering mothers that just don't know when to let their children go!" Today's special guest is Janice Pepper, author of the New York Times Best Selling book 'Diary of a Mad Yellow Woman.'”

Oprah looks to her guest.


“Janice, what was the first time you really stood up to your mother?"

Janice flips her hair out of her face with an air of self importance.


“Well Oprah, one day she called trying to patch things up like she always does, you know? And I was like, "Mom, I'm sick and tried of you always playing nice and then ruining my groove two days later! I'm getting a new phone, a new address, and you're for sure not invited!"

The studio audience erupts into clapping.

#

The channel is changed again, this time showing a view of depressed twenty-something man with a beer gut sitting in his parents' basement, unshaven. A cheery whistling theme starts up in the background.

Meet Bob.

Bob is a normal human being.

The scene changes to Bob yawning as he does his everyday job as a casher at a megamart.

In fact, Bob is pretty boring.

That's why Bob called Muplet.

Bob is shown dialing his cell phone, giving the viewer an over-happy thumbs up.

With one call to Muplet about natural human enchantment in a few short weeks,

Bob is shown getting a package and opening it, the screen is suddenly filled with the sight and sound of a glittery explosion.

Bob is not longer dull and ordinary, he has a whole new outlook on life, a spring in his step...

The smoke slowly clears.

and the one thing everyone likes... green skin.

....And Bob is now a large heavy set, muppet frog.

Piggy comes onto the scene, laughing cheerfully as she says her line.

"Muplet, your once a year spell for natural human enchantment. (And whata enchantment!)"

 

[Katzi428]

Excellent!
I liked the way the Chef pulled that fake hand joke on Pepe,hokay?

 

[Redsonga]

Excellent!
I liked the way the Chef pulled that fake hand joke on Pepe,hokay?

I'm glad you like it ! And like I said, the last ad is more making fun of the style of those ads. If it is too much any mod is free to delete that little section (I would hate to get banned over something so silly), but..I don't see it as any different than a vend-a-face ad at heart..Don't worry, the rest of my ads are different, I make fun of all things, because main muppets I think, suit just about everything in pop culture (save anything with swearing or anything R rated, which I would never have them do)