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Princeton
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No Day But Today- Episode 33
Airdate: 12-17-06
Written & Created by Princeton
Starring: Princeton as Himself
Redboobergurl as Puddin’
Jerry Stiller as the voice of Mr. Gus
Artie Lange as Zippy
George Carlin as Schlommo
Open on Puddin’s living room. She and Mr. Gus are discussing the upcoming nuptials of Princeton and Madison.
Mr. Gus: Well, I must say, Puddin’, it’s rather nice having Granny Mae help out, isn’t it?
Puddin’: Honestly, yes, I do. Far gone from the fact that we come from two completely different back grounds.
Mr. Gus: How so?
Puddin: Well, I’m British, and she’s Southern. I can only imagine the band she picked out: "Bossy and the Milkmaids play highlights from Deliverance!"
Mr. Gus: Aw, blow it out your ditty bag! ( Just then, Princeton runs in, panicked.)
Puddin’: Why, Prinny, what’s wrong?
Princeton: Is Madison here?
Puddin’: No, she’s at the mall.
Princeton: Good! Oh, Puddin’, I’ve done the stupidest thing any soon- to-be groom could do!
Puddin’: Oh, my dear sweet Lord, what did you do?
Princeton: I lost her ring!
Puddin’: Oh, God! How did that happen?
Princeton: I’m not quite sure, but I found this note (Pulls out a note and reads it): "Dear Speck, I’m sure you’ll tell Parker that her foster daughter’s ring is missing. Well, if you want to find it, you’ll have to search every junk yard and/or pawn shop in the whole of Toledo! Signed,... oh, well, if I told you, that would spoil the fun, now wouldn’t it?"
Puddin’: That monster Derbyshire! Well, this certainly isn’t the first time she’s stymied us, and as long as I have you two to do all the work, it won’t be last!
Princeton and Mr. Gus (in unison): WHAT?
Commercial Break
Open on Zippy’s Junk Yard . Princeton and Mr. Gus go into the main office and find Zippy himself.
Zippy: Well, what do you two schmucks want?
Mr. Gus (dryly) : We were looking for Mr. Saintly Personality and I think we found him, eh, Prin?
Zippy: Shut up, ya dumb mutt, or you’ll find your snout in some old coffee grounds!
Princeton: Hey, hey, hey! Take it easy on the old fella, he knows not what he blabs. Anyway, Zippy, we were looking for a wedding ring.
Zippy: Oh, you and your sister wanted to make official? Congratulations!
Mr. Gus: Ouch! Even *I* found that to be in bad taste.
Princeton (to Zippy): Look, you! We have been to every junk yard in town, we have the smell of feet and old pizza embroidered in our nostrils, and we are not in the mood to take crap from you! We’re not asking you to understand, we’re just asking you to help us!
Zippy: Hey, man, I wanna help you, but let’s get real here: a wedding ring is way too small of an item to find in one big pile. I’ll enlist the help of my best men, but I’m warning you: it’s gonna take a while!
***A few hours later***
Zippy (walks in the office): Sorry, Princeton, we’ve searched the whole mound; no ring.
Princeton: Aw, frittle frick!
Zippy: Is that a cuss?
Princeton: It is now. Well, at any rate, thank you for your help, Zippy.
Zippy (walks over to his desk and starts writing something): Hey, no problem, man. But, let me give you an address. (Hands him an index card) If you’ve tried everywhere and couldn’t find it, you’ll find it here.
Commercial Break
Open on Schlommo’s Pawn Shop. This is the place where Zippy suggested Princeton and Mr. Gus try next.
Schlommo (walks out from back room): You guys looking for something?
Princeton: Yes, we’re looking for an emerald wedding ring, it’s in fairly good condition...
Schlommo (reaches in drawer): This it?
Princeton: My God, yes! How’d you know?
Schlommo: Cause this is the only wedding ring I’ve ever seen that had an emerald in it. You know, I have a theory about men who put emeralds in rings: "They’re too cheap to buy diamonds".
Princeton (takes ring): All right, let’s go, Gus!
Schlommo: Hey, wait; you can’t just take it. You either pay for it or you
trade something in exchange.
Princeton: Well, it was mine to begin with, so I shouldn’t have to pay for it.
Mr. Gus: Relax, Prin, I’ve got something he may want (hands Schlommo something) Here’s a two day old chocolate bar; all sales are final. *Now* we’re going.
The End
Airdate: 12-17-06
Written & Created by Princeton
Starring: Princeton as Himself
Redboobergurl as Puddin’
Jerry Stiller as the voice of Mr. Gus
Artie Lange as Zippy
George Carlin as Schlommo
Open on Puddin’s living room. She and Mr. Gus are discussing the upcoming nuptials of Princeton and Madison.
Mr. Gus: Well, I must say, Puddin’, it’s rather nice having Granny Mae help out, isn’t it?
Puddin’: Honestly, yes, I do. Far gone from the fact that we come from two completely different back grounds.
Mr. Gus: How so?
Puddin: Well, I’m British, and she’s Southern. I can only imagine the band she picked out: "Bossy and the Milkmaids play highlights from Deliverance!"
Mr. Gus: Aw, blow it out your ditty bag! ( Just then, Princeton runs in, panicked.)
Puddin’: Why, Prinny, what’s wrong?
Princeton: Is Madison here?
Puddin’: No, she’s at the mall.
Princeton: Good! Oh, Puddin’, I’ve done the stupidest thing any soon- to-be groom could do!
Puddin’: Oh, my dear sweet Lord, what did you do?
Princeton: I lost her ring!
Puddin’: Oh, God! How did that happen?
Princeton: I’m not quite sure, but I found this note (Pulls out a note and reads it): "Dear Speck, I’m sure you’ll tell Parker that her foster daughter’s ring is missing. Well, if you want to find it, you’ll have to search every junk yard and/or pawn shop in the whole of Toledo! Signed,... oh, well, if I told you, that would spoil the fun, now wouldn’t it?"
Puddin’: That monster Derbyshire! Well, this certainly isn’t the first time she’s stymied us, and as long as I have you two to do all the work, it won’t be last!
Princeton and Mr. Gus (in unison): WHAT?
Commercial Break
Open on Zippy’s Junk Yard . Princeton and Mr. Gus go into the main office and find Zippy himself.
Zippy: Well, what do you two schmucks want?
Mr. Gus (dryly) : We were looking for Mr. Saintly Personality and I think we found him, eh, Prin?
Zippy: Shut up, ya dumb mutt, or you’ll find your snout in some old coffee grounds!
Princeton: Hey, hey, hey! Take it easy on the old fella, he knows not what he blabs. Anyway, Zippy, we were looking for a wedding ring.
Zippy: Oh, you and your sister wanted to make official? Congratulations!
Mr. Gus: Ouch! Even *I* found that to be in bad taste.
Princeton (to Zippy): Look, you! We have been to every junk yard in town, we have the smell of feet and old pizza embroidered in our nostrils, and we are not in the mood to take crap from you! We’re not asking you to understand, we’re just asking you to help us!
Zippy: Hey, man, I wanna help you, but let’s get real here: a wedding ring is way too small of an item to find in one big pile. I’ll enlist the help of my best men, but I’m warning you: it’s gonna take a while!
***A few hours later***
Zippy (walks in the office): Sorry, Princeton, we’ve searched the whole mound; no ring.
Princeton: Aw, frittle frick!
Zippy: Is that a cuss?
Princeton: It is now. Well, at any rate, thank you for your help, Zippy.
Zippy (walks over to his desk and starts writing something): Hey, no problem, man. But, let me give you an address. (Hands him an index card) If you’ve tried everywhere and couldn’t find it, you’ll find it here.
Commercial Break
Open on Schlommo’s Pawn Shop. This is the place where Zippy suggested Princeton and Mr. Gus try next.
Schlommo (walks out from back room): You guys looking for something?
Princeton: Yes, we’re looking for an emerald wedding ring, it’s in fairly good condition...
Schlommo (reaches in drawer): This it?
Princeton: My God, yes! How’d you know?
Schlommo: Cause this is the only wedding ring I’ve ever seen that had an emerald in it. You know, I have a theory about men who put emeralds in rings: "They’re too cheap to buy diamonds".
Princeton (takes ring): All right, let’s go, Gus!
Schlommo: Hey, wait; you can’t just take it. You either pay for it or you
trade something in exchange.
Princeton: Well, it was mine to begin with, so I shouldn’t have to pay for it.
Mr. Gus: Relax, Prin, I’ve got something he may want (hands Schlommo something) Here’s a two day old chocolate bar; all sales are final. *Now* we’re going.
The End
