No Day But Today- "Life In The Blast Lane"

P

Princeton

Guest
No Day But Today- Episode 25
Airdate: 9-11-06
Written & Created by Princeton
Starring: Princeton as Himself
Redboobergurl as Puddin’
G-MAN as Colby
Amanda Seyfried as Madison
Pat Carroll as Ms. Derbyshire

Open on Puddin’s house. She is waiting for Princeton to pick her up for work, when he bursts through the door with a panicked look on his face.

Puddin’: Why, Prinny, whatever is the matter?
Princeton: That crazy old lady next door! I go to pull in to your driveway, and she’s blocking me with a golf club in her hand!
Puddin’: That must be Ms. Derbyshire. Did she say anything?
Princeton: Yeah! She said “Tell that bitter hag who lives in that house to keep her dog off my lawn or she’ll be sorry she messed with Octavia Derbyshire!”.
Puddin’: How dreadful! Well, when I get home, I must go over and apologize. (Just then, her door is kicked in and Ms. Derbyshire is seen).
Princeton: Well, Puddin’, you know what they say: “No time like the present”!
Derbyshire: Parker, your dog has relieved himself on my lawn for the last time! And just to assure that that statement remains true, I’m declaring your house a blast zone! That’s right, I don’t care if you’re in the house or not: in three days, your house will be completely destroyed!

Commercial Break

Open on Puddin’s house the next morning. She and Princeton are telling Colby and Madison about their trouble with Ms. Derbyshire.

Puddin’: Can you believe the nerve of that woman? Hasn’t she ever heard of the “call of nature”? In fact, I don’t even remember Gussy going anywhere *near* her lawn!
Colby: I agree, this is outrageous! Well, can anything be done?
Puddin’: Actually, I did have *one* idea. You all realize that the toad-faced frump is single...
Princeton: Yeah, I wonder why.
Puddin’: Be still, Prinny. Anyway, she looks everywhere for a date, right? So, Colby, you go on a date with her at the Turquoise Parrot; Mad, you be the waitress, and Prin, you stay the manager. Together, I do believe we can pull this off. Let me go over and set it up with her and then we’ll take it from there. (She walks outside and sees Derbyshire letting the air out of Puddin’s tires) What the freak-a-leak are you doing?
Derbyshire: Oh, just occupying myself until the wrecking crew gets here tomorrow.
Puddin’: Well, Octavia, do whatever you want. But bear in mind that, for some still unknown reason, I want to do something nice for you.
Derbyshire: Oh, this oughta be good; what?
Puddin’: I have a friend who just happens to be single, and I know that you’re still looking for someone, so I thought maybe I could arrange a date for the two of you.
Derbyshire (flatly): Oh, how kind of you.

Commercial Break

Open on the Turquoise Parrot. Derbyshire and Colby are on their “date”, and pretty soon Puddin’s plan will take effect.

Derbyshire: So, Puddin’ tells me you’re a yoga instructor?
Colby: Guilty as charged (laughs). So, what about you? What do you do?
Derbyshire: I teach posture at a nearby boot camp.
Colby: Sounds sexy. So, Octavia, whaddaya say we order some drinks? Oh, waitress! (Madison runs over)
Madison: Welcome to the Turquoise Parrot, may I take your drink orders?
Colby: Oh, nothing for me; Octavia?
Derbyshire: A Dirty Diana; if it’s not out in two minutes, no tip. (Madison runs back to the kitchen)
Colby: “Dirty Diana”? I’ve never heard of that; what’s in it?
Derbyshire: Vodka, bourbon, gin, rum, and blackberry brandy. I try to have at least one a day.
Colby: So, Octavia, Puddin’ tells me that you’re going to demolish her house tomorrow?
Derbyshire: And how! Her dog has whizzed on my lawn for the last time!
Colby: How awful! Say, do you mind if I take a look at the blasting orders?
Derbyshire: You devil! How’d you know I carry triplicates of my private business in my pocketbook? (Hands him a copy)
Colby: Oh, just took a chance, I suppose (Madison walks over to their table with Derbyshire’s drink and trips. The liquid flies over Colby’s shoulder on to the blasting orders)
Derbyshire: OH! You clumsy little fool, I could just...
Madison: You can’t threaten me! How about I call my manager? (Runs away)
Derbyshire (calls after her): I would *love* to see your manager! I’ll see to it that you serve sand martinis to natives of Kuwait! (Madison returns with Princeton)
Princeton: Hello, ma’am, I’m Princeton Clarkson, manager of the Turquoise Parrot...
Derbyshire: I know full well who you are, you speck! You work for Parker!
Princeton: Octavia Derbyshire, you’ve just been punk’d, Toledo style!

The End
 

MeepBorkMeep

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Ha! Awesome, man. You should write more of these.

No Day But Today? Renthead?
 
P

Princeton

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MeepBorkMeep said:
Ha! Awesome, man. You should write more of these.

No Day But Today? Renthead?
Well, this episode is set halfway through the third season, so I've written quite a bit of them; feel free to check them all out!

And yes, I am a proud Renthead!
 

redBoobergurl

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This was very funny Prin! I could just picture her character. Will she be the cause of future conflicts or did she learn her lesson? Either way, she was a funny addition and I love how they set her up!
 

MeepBorkMeep

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Princeton said:
Well, this episode is set halfway through the third season, so I've written quite a bit of them; feel free to check them all out!

And yes, I am a proud Renthead!
Cool! I'll go look for em...

I figured. Me too. :smile:
 

G-MAN

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This was good, and in it's third season already, what episodes are in which season?
 

MartyMuppets

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I had missed this one. I'm very pleased you have bumped these all up Brian :big_grin:

This was the funniest thing I've read in a long time.
 
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