Night of the Living Hairball (A Two-Shot)

[TwoHeadedLlama]

So...this is a silly, random idea I came up with a long time ago. Was originally intended to be part of a larger fic. But for now, have a random quick fic about the dangers of Muppet hair.

***​

“Five minutes! Five minutes til show time!”


Scooter's voice echoed down the hall of dressing rooms, and into the ears of Floyd Pepper. The bassist was more than used to loud noises, but there was just something about the same phrase being repeated over and over every thirty seconds for six minutes that just ruined his groove.


“Hey, cool it man, I think even folks in New York get the picture!” He chuckled.


Floyd's chuckles immediately dissapeared as he jiggled the doorknob on the door to the Electric Mayhem's dressing room. The door was locked and wouldn't budge, no matter how much he wiggled it.


“Not again,” Floyd grumbled. “Beau, do you have the spare keys??”


Suddenly, from within the dressing room came a loud thump. The bassist narrowed his eyes in annoyance. Obviously, someone had been snooping around in their dressing room for some unfathomable reason and gotten themselves locked in. Floyd was about to say something else, when a familiar, yet rather muffled voice called out from inside the room.


“Is that you, Floyd?” it said.


Floyd sighed heavily. “Lips, what are you doing in there? You know it's almost show time, right? The band's waiting for you.”


There was a pause. And then;


“I'm...uh...I'm gettin' dressed.”


“Lips, man, you were dressed when I saw you a few minutes ago.”


“I know, b-but, I left my mouthpiece in here.”


“You called?” said a voice.


Floyd turned to look at Beauregard, who had appeared next to him, holding a ring of shiny brass keys in one hand and a broom in the other.


“Yeah, about that,” Floyd replied.


He returned his gaze to the door.


“Lips, can you open the door? I need a spare string.”


“Uh, no.” called Lips. “I-I dropped the key, an' I can't find it. Yeah. That's it.”


“It's okay, Beau's here with the spares.”


“Look, how 'bout I just slide them bass strings under the door?”


“What are you talking about?” asked Floyd. “What's going on in there?”

Lips sighed in exasperation.


“Alright, you can come in here, but keep your eyes closed, 'kay?”


Floyd blinked hard, and then turned to Beau.


“Go ahead, man.”


Beau nodded. He fumbled with the tiny keys for a few moments, then produced one out of the pile and stuck it in the door. But nothing happened.


“Hang on, I'll find it,” he said confidently.


“Take your time.” said Lips.


So Beau chose another key. But it didn't work. So he tried another key, but that one didn't work either. He tried a few other keys, but none of them seemed to be the right one. This repeated for a while until after the eleventh key, Zoot walked up to the door.


“Hey Floyd, what's up? We're waiting for you, well, Nigel's waiting for you. I'm kinda waiting for you too, but not as much as he is, because…aw, I forgot.”


“Got it!” shouted Beau. “And it only took thirteen tries! A new record!”


The furry janitor pushed the door open. But none of them went inside, for the room seemed more than a bit occupied. Zoot and Floyd's mouths hung open as they stared in shock at the contents.


“Uh, Floyd?” said Zoot. “Are you seeing what I'm seeing?”


“For once, yeah,” replied Floyd. “Lips? Where are you?”


“I'm-I'm right here,” Lips quivered.


The three muppets were unable to move. For the entire room was completely filled with long, golden hair. Hair covered everything, from the walls to the band insturments to the paper lanterns on the ceiling to the pillows and sheets of music on the floor. The once colorful and groovy dressing room was now nothing more than a golden, hairy mess, in more ways than one. And in the very center of it all was a short, muppet-sized shaggy lump. Floyd's eyes widened as he tried in vain to make some logical sense of the sight.


“Sweet Mistress Mojo!” He gasped. “Lips, what happened to you, man?”


“I-I dunno!” the lump of hair whimpered. “It just happened...”


“Woah,” said Zoot. “It's like Woodstock all over again!”


“What's going on here?” grumbled a voice.


Sam the eagle walked up to the three muppets, who were so stunned by the sight of Lip's locks that they didn't even react to his approach.


“What do you nincompoops think you're doing, loitering around back here like uncouth hooligans??” he said. “Don't you know that the show's about to start?”


“We're having a bit of a situation,” said Beauregard.


“Make that a hairy one...” added Floyd.


Sam took his eyes off the musicians for a moment to look into the dressing room. His eyes grew wide and his beak seemed to nearly drop to his knees. In a few seconds he had fallen to the floor in a faint.


“What was that noise?” said Lips.


Floyd blinked quickly and shook himself from his daze. He then elbowed Zoot in an attempt to get his attention, but it didn't seem to work, for the sax player's mouth remained open.


The bassist took a few steps into the hair filled room.


“Don't worry, man, we'll help you out of this. Beau, you wouldn't happen to have a really, really big pair of scissors, would you?”

***​

Sometime later, after attempting to explain the situation to Kermit, the Electric Mayhem members were in their dressing room, trying to comfort their hair-covered trumpeter, with little success.


“Alright, then. Let me get a meticulous handle on the current situation,” said Dr. Teeth. “You were, I am told, suffering from a malady that is often mentioned and referred to by name as a headache.”


“That's right,” said Lips.


“And so, you immediately absconded to ascertain one who possessed an Aspirin that you could imbibe or ingest?”


“Um...”


“And upon imbibing said Asprin, you suddenly luxuriated an exasperating magnitude of unshorn Afro?”


“...sure thing.”


“Lips, hun, would you, like, mind telling us who gave you this pill? I have a feeling it wasn't an Aspirin,” asked Janice.


“That would be-whoops!” shouted Bunsen as he tripped over one of the hair strands on the floor.


The band turned to look at him.


“Bunsen go boom!” Animal growled.


Bunsen dusted himself off and got to his feet.


“That would be me,” he continued. “I thought the pill I gave Lips was an Aspirin, but it appears that I must have accidentally switched it out with an old prototype of one of the Muppet Labs Extra Strength Hair Growth ones. How silly of me!”


“More than silly!” muttered Lips. “Look it me! I got hair growin' outta places I didn't even think hair would grow outta!”


“Well,” said Zoot, scratching the side of his head thoughtfully, “I guess the next thing to do would be to get rid of it all.”


“But how?” said Floyd. “We don't even know where Lips ends and the hair begins! Or vice versa.”


“Might I suggest a chainsaw?” Bunsen suggested. “It's my go-to tool for many of my cutting needs.”


“Trust us, Doc, you've already helped us quite a bit,” replied Dr. Teeth.


“I have? Thank you!”


“You can help us even more by scramming,” growled Floyd.


“Scram! Scram!” bellowed Animal.


Bunsen nodded and left the room. The band members let out a collective sigh.


“Kind of a shame, though,” Zoot yawned.


He lay down on some of the hair and wrapped it across his body.


“This stuff's really comfortable,” he said, “Almost as comfortable as...”


His voice trailed off. Zoot was fast asleep.


“Well, we might as well get comfortable,” said Floyd. “Got a lot of cutting to do.”


Lips shifted his weight. “That reminds me. Any of you folks got a chair or somethin'? My feets is killin' me.


Janice began to look around the room.


“I, like, think there was a couch in here,” she said. “Red velvet if I remember right.”


“It's probably around here somewhere,” Floyd said as he lifted up a piece of the hair. “Just dig until you see red.”


“Don't mind it none,” Lips sighed. “It'd probably be better if I stood.”

Dr. Teeth began to walk towards the door.


“I'm going out to obtain the necessary supplies. Need anything?” he asked.


Floyd nodded.


“Scissors, alcohol, and hairspray,” he said. “That's all I can think of.”


“Oh, and do you think you could, like, get some of those organic wafer cookies from the canteen? I'd like some,” added Janice.


“DRUMS!” shouted Animal.


“It's okay, Animal,” Floyd said. “I think there was a drum set in this room before Lips's hair took over. Once we start cutting we'll probably find it.”

To be continued...