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This is the first part of the first draft of a Muppet script I've written. It takes songs from musicals such as "Sweet Charity", "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang", "Oklahoma" and many more.
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Int. Miss Piggy’s house. Camilla, the other Chickens, the Girls and Janice are in the lounge. They sit on the sofa. PIGGY runs in through the front door, she is singing.
MUSICAL NO. 1-I’M A BRASS BAND.
PIGGY
(Spoken) Someone loves me!
Someone loves me!
(Sung) SOMEONE LOVES ME,
MY HEART IS BEATING SO FAST.
ALL KINDS OF MUSIC IS POURING OUT OF ME,
SOMEBODY LOVES ME AT LAST!
NOW...
I'M A BRASS BAND,
I'M A HARPSICHORD;
I'M A CLARINET!
I'M THE PHILADELPHIA ORCHESTRA;
I'M THE MODERN JAZZ QUARTET!
I'M THE BAND FROM MACY'S BIG PARADE.
A WILD COUNT BASIE BLAST!
I'M THE BELLS FROM SAINT PETER'S IN ROME
I'M TISSUE PAPER ON A COMB...
AND ALL KINDS OF MUSIC
IS POURING OUT OF ME 'CAUSE...
SOMEBODY LOVES ME...AT LAST!
GIRLS
(They jump up and start dancing with PIGGY)
SHE'S A BRASS BAND,
SHE'S A HARPSICHORD,
SHE’S A CLARINET!
PIGGY
That’s moi!
GIRLS
SHE'S THE PHILADELPHIA ORCHESTRA,
SHE'S THE MODERN JAZZ QUARTET!
SHE'S A BRASS BAND,
SHE'S A HARPSICHORD,
SHE'S A CLARINET!
JANICE
SHE'S THE PHILADELPHIA ORCHESTRA,
SHE'S THE MODERN JAZZ QUARTET!
GIRLS
SHE'S THE BAND FROM MACY'S BIG PARADE
A WILD COUNT BASIE BLAST!
SHE'S THE BELLS FROM SAINT PETER'S IN ROME
SHE'S TISSUE PAPER ON A COMB...
PIGGY
Somebody loves me…at last!!!
JANICE
Oh, Piggy! That’s so totally cool!
GIRLS
Yeah, that’s swell Piggy, what’s his name, where did you meet him? (Ad. Libs.)
PIGGY
His name is…Teeth! (The chickens start clucking) I met him in the “Golden Palladium” night club!
GIRLS
Oooh!
PIGGY
He’s the Teeth who runs the Teeth Empire! With the huge Vegas casinos and the majestic palaces in New York City! He’s a doctor…of love. His friends call him…Dr. Teeth!
GIRLS
Oooh!
PIGGY
He has 300 kids!
GIRLS
(Disappointment)
Oh.
PIGGY
But, that’s OK. They’re all managers and presidents of his different areas of business.
GIRLS
Oooh!
PIGGY
He’s asked me something, something important. He wants me to move in with him.
JANICE
Oh, no! What a total bummer, man!
GIRLS
No, you can’t move out! What about our friendship! Please, Piggy. Oh, no! You can’t do this! (Ad. Libs.)
CHICKENS
(In protest) Cluck! Cluck! Cluck!
PIGGY
Listen please. Listen. (Shouting) SHUT UP!!! (There is total silence) He wants me to take one friend to work at his palace. And…oh…Janice, will you come with me?
JANICE
Well, I-
PIGGY
You’ll have a room and a nice new job…please.
JANICE
But I was gonna wash my hair and go for a-
PIGGY
(Angry) Do you wanna come with me or not!
JANICE
Oh, OK! Let’s go!
Ext. MISS PIGGY’s house. CAMILLA, the other CHICKENS and the GIRLS are waving goodbye to PIGGY and JANICE who are dresses in their hats and coats.
PIGGY
Goodbye, Pepper. Goodbye, Puffy. Goodbye, Julie. Goodbye, Stacey. I’ll call you all.
JANICE
Goodbye, Jessie. Goodbye, Camilla. Goodbye, Elektra. Goodbye, Denise. I’ll call you. (They get into a cab and drive away.)
Ext. Teeth House. The cab pulls up to the gates surrounding the large gold building. The gates open and the cab goes in.
Int. Entrance Hall. Teeth House. It is a large and grand room with paintings, antiques and other expensive objects dotted around the room. There are workers and attendants running everywhere. A grand gold staircase is in the centre of the room. SCOOTER approaches PIGGY and JANICE.
SCOOTER
Hi, I’m Scooter. Dr. Teeth is expecting you. Let me show you girls around.
MUSICAL NO. 2-I THINK I’M GONNA LIKE IT HERE.
SCOOTER
BOBO WILL PICK OUT ALL YOUR CLOTHES
BOBO
(Spoken. To Janice) GREEN IS HER BEST COLOUR, NO BLUE I THINK.
SCOOTER
YOUR BATH IS DRAWN BY ANNIE SUE.
ANNIE SUE
(Spoken. To Piggy) SOAP...NO, BUBBLES, I THINK.
SCOOTER
RIZZO COMES IN TO MAKE YOUR BED.
RIZZO
(Spoken. To Janice) THE SILK, NO THE SATIN SHEETS, I THINK.
PIGGY
I THINK I'M GONNA LIKE IT HERE!
SCOOTER
THE SWIMMING POOL IS TO THE LEFT
JANICE
(Spoken) INSIDE THE HOUSE? OH BOY.
SCOOTER
THE TENNIS COURT IS IN THE REAR
PIGGY
(Spoken) I NEVER EVEN PICKED UP A RACKET.
SCOOTER
HAVE AN INSTRUCTOR HERE AT NOON
JANICE
I THINK I'M GONNA LIKE IT HERE.
SCOOTER
WHEN YOU WAKE RING FOR DRAKE
DRAKE WILL BRING YOUR TRAY
WHEN YOU'RE THROUGH MRS.PUGH
COMES AND TAKES IT AWAY.
RIZZO
NO NEED TO PICK UP ANY THINGS!
PIGGY
(Spoken) That's OK, I haven't got any anyway.
SCOOTER
NO FINGER WILL YOU LIFT MY DEAR
ALL ATTENDANTS
WE HAVE BUT ONE REQUEST
PLEASE PUT US TO THE TEST
PIGGY
I KNOW I'M GONNA LIKE IT HERE
JANICE
USED TO ROOM IN A TOMB
WHERE I'D SIT AND FREEZE
GET ME NOW, HOLY COW
COULD SOMEONE PINCH ME PLEASE.
SCOOTER
WE'VE NEVER HAD A WOMAN PIG!
ALL
WE'VE NEVER HAD A WOMAN PIG.
WE HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND YOUR WISH IS OUR COMMAND
PIGGY & JANICE
I KNOW I'M GONNA LIKE IT HERE!
SCOOTER
That’s the spirit! Well done, girls. So shall I show you to your new apartments?
JANICE
Yeah, man! (To Piggy) Piggy, this is so totally cool! I can’t believe you’re going to be dating this guy!
PIGGY
Yes! (She runs around the entrance hall) Hooray! Yes! Hallelui-AAARRRGGGHHH! (She falls over in a wet patch of the marble floor. Kermit is standing over her with a janitor’s uniform on and a mop in his hand. Janice runs over to see what happens.)
KERMIT
Excuse me, but are you OK? (Piggy gets up. She is madly in love with Kermit)
PIGGY
Er…yes, I’ll live.
KERMIT
Oh, good. (He pulls Piggy up with his hand) I’m so sorry; I’ve made a terrible first impression.
PIGGY
Well, I always say first impressions are always the worst!
KERMIT
Listen, I feel really guilty about what just happened. Can I take you out for a drink, on me?
PIGGY
Yes, of course-
JANICE
Piggy, what about-
PIGGY
(Whispering) Shut it, Janice! (To Kermit) Of course, I’d love that.
KERMIT
OK, how’s Saturday?
PIGGY
Fine, I’m free.
KERMIT
OK, I’ll meet you here at 7 PM on Saturday.
PIGGY
It’s a date!
KERMIT
Yes, it’s a date, Miss..?
PIGGY
Piggy, Miss Piggy.
KERMIT
Miss Piggy, what a beautiful name.
SCOOTER
(Approaching) Ah, ladies. You seem to have met Kermit, our deputy janitor.
PIGGY
Yes, we’ve got to know each other.
SCOOTER
Well, to your new home! (Scooter and Janice leave)
KERMIT
Bye, Piggy. See you on Saturday.
PIGGY
Bye, Kermie! (She leaves. Rizzo approaches Kermit)
RIZZO
Hey, Kermit. I see you’ve met the chick.
KERMIT
She’s not a chicken, she’s a pig. I’ve got a date with that pig on Saturday night.
RIZZO
You what?
KERMIT
Miss Piggy and I have got a date for Saturday night.
RIZZO
You can’t! Do you realise who she is? Do you realise why she’s here?
KERMIT
Well…no.
RIZZO
She ain't just any old chick; she’s the boss’s chick!
KERMIT
OK, will you stop saying-she’s what?
RIZZO
That’s the new lady friend that Teeth's got living here.
KERMIT
Well, I thought he had a wife.
RIZZO
What gave you that idea?
KERMIT
He’s got 300 kids, what would you think?
RIZZO
Yeah, sure.
KERMIT
Oh, what am I gonna do, Rizzo?
RIZZO
Come on; let’s get back to our place.
KERMIT
Yeah. (They climb the gold staircase)
Int. The boy’s apartment. This is a small room with 5 beds, 2 sofas, 1 television and a door that says “W.C.” on it. Fozzie, Pepe and Gonzo are sitting on a sofa, watching TV. Rizzo and Kermit enter through the front door.
FOZZIE
Hey, Kermit.
GONZO
Hello.
PEPE
Good evening, OK.
KERMIT
No, it’s been a crummy day!
FOZZIE
What happened?
GONZO
Did you get bit? (Everyone looks at Gonzo, there is a pause) What?
KERMIT
No, I got a date-
PEPE
That’s wonderful, OK.
GONZO
Oh, your date bit you! (Everyone looks at Gonzo again, there is another pause)
KERMIT
No, my date was-
GONZO
So, who got bit?
KERMIT
No one got bit! I’ve fallen in love with the girlfriend of Dr. Teeth! I’m going out with her on Saturday night. What am I going to do?
GONZO
Er…I don’t know.
PEPE
Hey, you don’t worry. She made a move on you first, OK.
RIZZO
Yeah, if she really loves Teeth, she’d have rejected you. As far as you are concerned, there’s no Dr. Teeth in the picture. Just act as if you don’t know she’s dating him.
FOZZIE
And don’t mention it to anyone, because we all know what happened to the last guy who was dating Teeth's lady friend.
GONZO
(Whispering) Fozzie!
FOZZIE
Can’t you remember Gonzo, when Dr. Teeth found out that his girlfriend was seeing the bell boy at his hotel in Atlantic City? Oh, he beat him, and he smacked him, and then threw him down the elevator shaft. It was terrib-(He realises what he’s done) but, that won’t happen to you Kermit…unless Teeth finds out. (Kermit sinks into a seat)
Int. Piggy’s apartment. This is a grand room with white and gold walls. There is a luxury sofa, dining table and television set and many more other expensive items in the room. Piggy and Janice enter and dump their bags on the floor. They are amazed.
PIGGY
Holy cow!
JANICE
Man! This is it, for sure!
PIGGY
If my friends could see me now!
JANICE
We have arrived! Hooray! (They start hugging each other) The one thing I can’t understand is why you’re going out with that frog on Saturday.
PIGGY
Well you know what I’m like!
MUSICAL NO. 3-I CAN’T SAY NO.
PIGGY
IT AIN'T SO MUCH A QUESTION OF NOT KNOWING WHAT TO DO.
I’VE KNOWN WHAT’S RIGHT AND WRONG SINCE I WAS TEN.
I HEARD A LOT OF STORIES AND I RECKON THEY ARE TRUE
ABOUT HOW GIRLS ARE PUT UPON BY MEN.
I KNOW I MUSTN'T FALL INTO THE PIT,
BUT WHEN I'M WITH A FELLER, I FORGET!
I'M JUST A GIRL WHO CAN’T SAY NO,
I'M IN A TERRIBLE FIX I ALWAYS SAY "COME ON, LET’S GO"
JUST WHEN I OUGHT TO SAY NIX!
WHEN A PERSON TRIES TO KISS A GIRL,
I KNOW SHE OUGHT TO GIVE HIS FACE A SMACK.
BUT AS SOON AS SOMEONE KISSES ME,
I SOMEHOW, SORT OF, WANT TO KISS HIM BACK!
I'M JUST A FOOL WHEN LIGHTS ARE LOW
I CAN’T BE PRISSY AND QUAINT
I AIN'T THE TYPE THAT CAN FAINT
HOW CAN I BE WHAT I AIN'T?
I CAN’T SAY NO!
WHAT YOU GOING TO DO WHEN A FELLER GETS FLIRTY, AND STARTS TO TALK PURTY?
WHAT YOU GOING TO DO?
SUPPOSING' 'AT HE SAYS 'AT YOUR LIPS ARE LIKE CHERRIES, ER ROSES, ER BERRIES?
WHAT YOU GOING TO DO?
SUPPOSING AT HE SAYS THAT YOU'RE SWEETER THAN CREAM,
AND HE'S GOT TO HAVE CREAM OR DIE?
WHAT YOU GOING TO DO WHEN HE TALKS THAT WAY,
SPIT IN HIS EYE?
I'M JUST A GIRL WHO CAN’T SAY NO,
CAN’T SEEM TO SAY IT AT ALL
I HATE TO DISAPPOINT A BEAU
WHEN HE IS PAYING' A CALL!
FOR A WHILE I ACT REFINED AND COOL,
A SITTING ON THE VELVETEEN SETTEE
THEN I THINK OF THAT OLD GOLDEN RULE,
AND DO FOR HIM WHAT HE WOULD DO FOR ME!
I CAN’T RESIST A ROMEO
IN A SOMBRERO AND CHAPS
SOON AS I SIT ON THEIR LAPS
SOMETHING' INSIDE OF ME SNAPS (She karate chops the sofa and it breaks in 2)
I CAN’T SAY NO!
JANICE
So every time a guy asked you to dance in High School-
PIGGY
I said yes! There were gaping big holes in my disco shoes! (There is a knock at the door)
ANIMAL
(Voice) Room service!
PIGGY
Enter!!!
ANIMAL
(He enters and sees Miss Piggy) HOT WOMAN!!! (He drops his silver tray and jumps at Piggy, who pushes him off)
PIGGY
GET OUT, YOU **** ANIMAL!!! (He gets locked out. Janice looks at Piggy) Well, I have some standards!
JANICE
Oh, Piggy. (The phone rings. Piggy answers it)
PIGGY
(To phone) Hello…speaking…yeah…oh…OK…bye. (She puts the phone down) It’s Dr. Teeth, he wants to see me right away. Goodbye, Janice! (She leaves)
Int. Dr. Teeth’s office. It is a dark room with a spotlight pointing to a desk with 4 chairs. The first chair is on one side and the others are on the other side. Dr. Teeth is sitting on the single chair)
DR. TEETH
NEXT!!!
PIGGY
(Running in) TEETH!!! Did you miss me?
DR. TEETH
Of course, Piggy! (Piggy starts kissing him all over) OK, OK! (She stops) How’s the room?
PIGGY
Oh, it’s wonderful! I have a coffee table, and 130 extra channels for my television, and a-
DR. TEETH
That’s great Piggy. So have you met any new people?
PIGGY
Yes, I’ve made friends with an amazing janitor called Kermit. He’s taking me out on Saturday night and-
DR. TEETH
HE WHAT???
PIGGY
Oh, it’s OK; we’re just going out as friends.
DR. TEETH
But after Saturday I don’t want you seeing this Kermit guy, or any of the other staff. It could cause all sort of problems.
PIGGY
But I just ha-
DR. TEETH
No buts!
PIGGY
OK.
MUSICAL NO. 4-CHU-CHI FACE.
DR. TEETH
YOU’RE MY LITTLE CHU-CHI FACE
MY COO-CHI, COO-CHI, WOO-CHI LITTLE CHU-CHI FACE
EVERY TIME I LOOK AT YOU I SIGH
PIGGY
AND YOU’RE MY LITTLE TEDDY BEAR
MY LOVEY LOVEY DOVEY LITTLE TEDDY BEAR
YOU’RE THE APFEL STRUDEL OF MINE EYE
YOUR CHU-CHI WOO-CHI NOSE
YOUR CHU-CHI WOO-CHI EYES
DR. TEETH
THEY SET MY HEART A FLUTTER
YOUR OOO-CHI COO-CHI WAYS
YOUR OOO-CHI COO-CHI GAZE
WILTS ME DOWN LIKE MELTING BUTTER
YOU’RE MY LITTLE CHU-CHI FACE
PIGGY
AND YOU’RE MY TEDDY BEAR
TOGETHER WE’RE A CHU-CHI WOO-CHI, OOO-CHI COO-CHI PAIR
WHATEVER YOU MAY ASK BECOMES MY HAPPY TASK
I ONLY LIVE TO SERVE YOU
DR. TEETH
I NEVER WILL DIVINE WHAT MAGIC MADE YOU MINE
I ONLY KNOW I DON’T DESERVE YOU
YOU’RE MY LITTLE CHU-CHI FACE
PIGGY
AND YOU’RE MY TEDDY BEAR
TOGETHER WE’RE A CHU-CHI WOO-CHI, OOO-CHI COO-CHI
CHU-CHI, WOO-CHI, OOO-CHI, COO-CHI PAIR
CHU-CHI
WOO-CHI
OOO-CHI
COO-CHI PAIR
DR. TEETH
You shall dine with me tonight in the grand hall.
PIGGY
Thanks, sweetie. Bye! (She leaves)
DR. TEETH
Sam!!! (Sam the Eagle comes in)
SAM THE EAGLE
Yes, sir.
DR. TEETH
Bring in Team XXX!
SAM THE EAGLE
Are you sure you want to-
DR. TEETH
Just do it!!!
SAM THE EAGLE
Yes, sir. (He leaves. A few moments later, 6 men in tuxedos and suitcases come in. They are Lew Zealand, Beaker, Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, Crazy Harry, Andy Pig and Randy Pig. They all place their cases on the desk.)
DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW
You called, Sir?
DR. TEETH
Yes, I want Kermit the Frog dead!
RANDY
No! You can’t kill Kermit. He’s the star of this movie! He’s the-
DR. TEETH
Randy!!!
RANDY
I’m sorry, Sir.
DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW
Well, we have been producing and inventing various little things over various weeks. First, a gadget for Lew Zealand here. We know he likes throwing fish, so we’ve invented him this. Beaker, open the case. (Beaker enters and opens one of the suitcases and produces a fish. Everyone holds their noses)
ANDY
How long as that been in there?
DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW
Approximately 3 months.
BEAKER
Approximately 3 months.
DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW
Lew simply throws the fish and…bang! (Andy picks it up)
ANDY
Look! (Putting on funny voice and playing with fish) My name is Felicity, and if I fall I go pop! Pop! Pop! Pop! Pop! Pop! Pop! Po-
DR. TEETH
Andy!!!
ANDY
AAAARRRGGGGHHHHH!!! (He drops the fish on the desk. There is a huge explosion and the desk breaks up into a million pieces. The debris flies everywhere)
DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW
Oh, dear!
CRAZY HARRY
Crazy Harry likes explosions!!!
DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW
Sorry about that desk, Sir. Now, for Andy and Randy here we have this. (He picks up a bottle of “Sip Sip Bang Bang" cola) Here we have a bottle of soft drink, innocent to the eye and deadly to the taste. You simply sip and the drink will take your victim to a couple of hundred years of snoozing.
RANDY
Erm, Dr. Honeydew, what happens if we mix this bottle up with normal cola?
DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW
You can easily distinguish this bottle from others; this one has a large red cross over the bottle top. Now, we all know that Crazy Harry likes explosions, so here is something we’ve been testing out. (Beaker picks up a large model of a fly) Simply pull one of the wings and let her fly. In 15 seconds she will blow her top, quite literally!
BEAKER
Quite literally! Beep!
DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW
Yes, luckily we are targeting a frog, and frogs love flies. So that’s it what do you think, sir?
DR. TEETH
I think we need a little extra help. Sam! Bring in Agent Z!
ALL
Agent Z!
Int. The boy’s apartment. The boys are all in their beds. Kermit is sitting up with his pyjamas on.
FOZZIE
Goodnight, Gonzo. Goodnight, Pepe. Goodnight, Kermit. Goodnight, Rizzo. Goodnight, Mary-Ellen. Goodnight, John Boy. Goodnight, Grandma. Goodnight, Grandpa. Goodnight, Marlon Brando, Goodnight, Jennifer Garner. (Kermit starts to sing)
MUSICAL NO. 5-CASTLE ON A CLOUD.
KERMIT
THERE IS A CASTLE ON A CLOUD,
I LIKE TO GO THERE IN MY SLEEP,
AREN'T ANY FLOORS FOR ME TO SWEEP,
NOT IN MY CASTLE ON A CLOUD.
THERE IS A ROOM THAT'S FULL OF TOYS,
THERE ARE A HUNDRED BOYS AND GIRLS,
NOBODY SHOUTS OR TALKS TOO LOUD,
NOT IN MY CASTLE ON A CLOUD.
THERE IS A LADY ALL IN WHITE,
HOLDS ME AND SINGS A LULLABY,
SHE'S NICE TO SEE AND SHE'S SOFT TO TOUCH,
SHE SAYS "KERMIT, I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH."
I KNOW A PLACE WHERE NO ONE'S LOST,
I KNOW A PLACE WHERE NO ONE CRIES,
CRYING AT ALL IS NOT ALLOWED,
NOT IN MY CASTLE ON A CLOUD. (We go into Kermit’s dream. He is in his room with his broom and mop)
OH HELP! I THINK I HEAR THEM NOW,
AND I'M NOWHERE NEAR FINISHED SWEEPING AND
SCRUBBING AND POLISHING THE FLOOR.
OH, IT'S HIM! IT'S MAD MAN! (Dr. Teeth enters)
DR. TEETH
NOW LOOK WHO'S HERE
THE LITTLE FROG HERSELF!
PRETENDING ONCE AGAIN HE'S BEEN SO AWFULLY GOOD,'
BETTER NOT LET ME CATCH YOU SLACKING
BETTER NOT CATCH MY EYE!
TEN ROTTEN BUCKS YOUR MOTHER SENDS ME
WHAT IS THAT GOING TO BUY?
NOW TAKE THAT PAIL
MY LITTLE ANIMAL!
AND GO AND DRAW SOME WATER FROM THE WELL!
WE SHOULD NEVER HAVE TAKEN YOU IN IN THE FIRST PLACE
HOW STUPID THE THINGS THAT WE DO!
LIKE FATHER LIKE SON, THE SCUM OF THE STREET.
KERMIE, COME MY DEAR, KERMIE, LET ME SEE YOU
YOU LOOK VERY WELL IN THAT NEW LITTLE BLUE HAT
THERE'S SOME LITTLE FROGS WHO KNOW HOW TO BEHAVE
AND THEY KNOW WHAT TO WEAR
AND I'M SAYING THANK HEAVEN FOR THAT.
STILL THERE KERMIT? (Kermit starts weeping)
YOUR TEARS WILL DO YOU NO GOOD!
I TOLD YOU FETCH SOME WATER FROM THE WELL IN THE WOOD!
KERMIT
PLEASE DO NOT SEND ME OUT ALONE
NOT IN THE DARKNESS ON MY OWN!
DR. TEETH
ENOUGH OF THAT, OR I'LL FORGET TO BE NICE!
YOU HEARD ME ASK FOR SOMETHING,
AND I NEVER ASK TWICE! (Kermit wakes up quickly)
FOZZIE
Goodnight, Julie Andrews. Goodnight, George Bush. Goodnight, Angelina J-oh, hey Kermit. Have a bad dream?
KERMIT
Yeah, I did. Fozzie, do you think that if Dr. Teeth really does find out about Miss Piggy and I, he’ll come after me.
FOZZIE
No, of course not! Kermit, you have the best friends that even money can’t buy.
KERMIT
In know, but-
FOZZIE
Remember what I always say-you never walk alone!
KERMIT
I will, Fozzie.
FOZZIE
Good, you enjoy your date with Miss Piggy. If anyone asks, you’re just friends.
KERMIT
Hey, maybe Miss Piggy only wants to be friends. Maybe I took this the wrong way. Now I can sleep better! Thanks, Fozzie. (He relaxes in his bed)
FOZZIE
No problem! (He stars snoring)
Int. Entrance Hall. Teeth House. It is fairly empty except from Kermit. He is standing at the bottom of the stairs. Miss Piggy starts to descend the stairs. She is wearing a glamorous dress and has done her hair especially. She looks wonderful. When she is 5 steps down, she falls over and tumbles down the stairs. She gets up next to Kermit.
PIGGY
Oh, er…sorry Kermit.
KERMIT
It’s OK, but you do seem a tad accident prone.
PIGGY
Yes, it comes from my mother’s side.
KERMIT
I see.
PIGGY
So, where are we going tonight?
KERMIT
There’s a new club open down the street called “The Golden Toothpick”. I thought we could go there. It’s the new Teeth club, so we may get a dollar off our bill.
PIGGY
Yeah. So, let’s go! (They leave)
Int. Golden Toothpick Ballroom. This is a traditional ballroom with a bar on the side. There are couples milling around and dancing. Kermit and Miss Piggy enter.
PIGGY
It’s wonderful.
KERMIT
Yeah. (There is a long pause) Piggy, why didn’t you tell me about you and Dr. Teeth?
PIGGY
Erm…(pointing off camera) is that a ghost?
KERMIT
No, that’s a cardboard cut-out. Piggy I-
PIGGY
Oh, come on Kermie! Let’s dance and get to know each other.
KERMIT
OK. (The Electric Mayhem, minus Janice and Dr. Teeth and plus Rolf, start to play a song. Kermit and Piggy start to dance on the dance floor)
MUSICAL NO. 6-GETTING TO KNOW YOU.
PIGGY
AS A PIGGY I'VE BEEN LEARNING,
YOU'LL FORGIVE ME IF I BOAST,
AND I'VE NOW BECOME AN EXPERT,
ON THE SUBJECT I LIKE MOST.
(Spoken) Getting to know you.
(Sung) GETTING TO KNOW YOU,
GETTING TO KNOW ALL ABOUT YOU.
GETTING TO LIKE YOU,
GETTING TO HOPE YOU LIKE ME.
GETTING TO KNOW YOU,
PUTTING IT MY WAY,
BUT NICELY,
YOU ARE PRECISELY,
MY CUP OF TEA
KERMIT
GETTING TO KNOW YOU,
GETTING TO KNOW ALL ABOUT YOU.
GETTING TO LIKE YOU,
GETTING TO HOPE YOU LIKE ME.
GETTING TO KNOW YOU,
PUTTING IT MY WAY,
BUT NICELY,
YOU ARE PRECISELY,
PIGGY
MY CUP OF TEA.
KERMIT
GETTING TO KNOW YOU,
GETTING TO FEEL FREE AND EASY
WHEN I AM WITH YOU,
GETTING TO KNOW WHAT TO SAY
HAVEN'T YOU NOTICED
SUDDENLY I'M BRIGHT AND BREEZY?
BECAUSE OF ALL THE BEAUTIFUL AND NEW
THINGS I'M LEARNING ABOUT YOU
DAY BY DAY.
PIGGY
GETTING TO KNOW YOU,
GETTING TO FEEL FREE AND EASY
WHEN I AM WITH YOU,
GETTING TO KNOW WHAT TO SAY
HAVEN'T YOU NOTICED
SUDDENLY I'M BRIGHT AND BREEZY?
BECAUSE OF ALL THE BEAUTIFUL AND NEW
THINGS I'M LEARNING ABOUT YOU
DAY…BY…DAY. (They stop dancing and stand by the bar)
KERMIT
Well, that dance was certainly nice.
PIGGY
Yes, it was. Kermie, the reason I didn’t mention Dr. Teeth is that I didn’t want you to worry about it.
KERMIT
Does Dr. Teeth know about us having a drink tonight?
PIGGY
Yes, we have spoken about the matter in hand.
KERMIT
And what does he think.
PIGGY
Er-do you like my new hairstyle.
KERMIT
Piggy, your hair is no different to the last time I saw it.
PIGGY
He, he, he! Kermit, you make me giggle. (Clifford, the bartender, approaches Kermit and Piggy)
CLIFFORD
Hey, frog! Do you wanna drink?
KERMIT
Yes, a glass of water-
PIGGY
Along with a round of your finest champagne! Put it on Dr. Teeth’s tab!
CLIFFORD
For sure! (Shouting) Grover! Pop open some of that cheap garbage from the van!
GROVER
(Behind bar) Will do! (A new song is played by the band. Annie-Sue is singing with Rowlf. Everyone starts to dance)
MUSICAL NO. 7-WHO’S GOT THE PAIN?
Annie-Sue
UGH!
WHO'S GOT THE PAIN WHEN THEY DO THE MAMBO?
WHO'S GOT THE PAIN WHEN THEY GO "UGH"?
WHO'S GOT THE PAIN WHEN THEY DO THE MAMBO?
I DUNNO WHO-DO YOU?
ROWLF
WHO NEEDS A PILL WHEN THEY DO THE MAMBO?
WHO NEEDS A PILL WHEN THEY GO "UGH"?
WHO NEEDS A PILL WHEN THEY DO THE MAMBO?
I DUNNO WHO-DO YOU?
CLIFFORD
SOMEONE MUST BE SICK WITH THE HEAT?
OR STEPPIN' IN EVERYONE'S FEET?
PEPE
BUT IF EVERYONE'S FEELIN' O.K.
BILL FROG
WHY DON'T THEY JUST SAY "OLAY"?
ROWLF
WHEN THE MUSIC CARRIES THEN AWAY! "UGH!"?
ZIPPETY-ZAP
WHO'S GOT THE PAIN WHEN THEY DO THE MAMBO?
JOHNNY FIAMA
WHO'S GOT THE PAIN WHEN THEY GO "UGH"?
SAL
WHO'S GOT THE PAIN WHEN THEY DO THE MAMBO?
MUPPET NEWSMAN
I DUNNO WHO-DO YOU?
POPS
IS THERE A DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE?
GROVER
IS THERE A DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE?
LINK HOGTHROB
IS THERE A DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE?
POINT HIM OUT,
JULIUS STRANGEPORK
FOR THERE IS AN ELEMENT OF DOUBT-AS TO
KERMIT
WHO'S GOT THE PAIN WHEN THEY DO THE MAMBO?
PIGGY
WHO'S GOT THE PAIN WHEN THEY GO "UGH"?
ALL
WHO'S GOT THE PAIN WHEN THEY DO THE MAMBO?
I DUNNO WHO-DO YOU?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Int. Miss Piggy’s house. Camilla, the other Chickens, the Girls and Janice are in the lounge. They sit on the sofa. PIGGY runs in through the front door, she is singing.
MUSICAL NO. 1-I’M A BRASS BAND.
PIGGY
(Spoken) Someone loves me!
Someone loves me!
(Sung) SOMEONE LOVES ME,
MY HEART IS BEATING SO FAST.
ALL KINDS OF MUSIC IS POURING OUT OF ME,
SOMEBODY LOVES ME AT LAST!
NOW...
I'M A BRASS BAND,
I'M A HARPSICHORD;
I'M A CLARINET!
I'M THE PHILADELPHIA ORCHESTRA;
I'M THE MODERN JAZZ QUARTET!
I'M THE BAND FROM MACY'S BIG PARADE.
A WILD COUNT BASIE BLAST!
I'M THE BELLS FROM SAINT PETER'S IN ROME
I'M TISSUE PAPER ON A COMB...
AND ALL KINDS OF MUSIC
IS POURING OUT OF ME 'CAUSE...
SOMEBODY LOVES ME...AT LAST!
GIRLS
(They jump up and start dancing with PIGGY)
SHE'S A BRASS BAND,
SHE'S A HARPSICHORD,
SHE’S A CLARINET!
PIGGY
That’s moi!
GIRLS
SHE'S THE PHILADELPHIA ORCHESTRA,
SHE'S THE MODERN JAZZ QUARTET!
SHE'S A BRASS BAND,
SHE'S A HARPSICHORD,
SHE'S A CLARINET!
JANICE
SHE'S THE PHILADELPHIA ORCHESTRA,
SHE'S THE MODERN JAZZ QUARTET!
GIRLS
SHE'S THE BAND FROM MACY'S BIG PARADE
A WILD COUNT BASIE BLAST!
SHE'S THE BELLS FROM SAINT PETER'S IN ROME
SHE'S TISSUE PAPER ON A COMB...
PIGGY
Somebody loves me…at last!!!
JANICE
Oh, Piggy! That’s so totally cool!
GIRLS
Yeah, that’s swell Piggy, what’s his name, where did you meet him? (Ad. Libs.)
PIGGY
His name is…Teeth! (The chickens start clucking) I met him in the “Golden Palladium” night club!
GIRLS
Oooh!
PIGGY
He’s the Teeth who runs the Teeth Empire! With the huge Vegas casinos and the majestic palaces in New York City! He’s a doctor…of love. His friends call him…Dr. Teeth!
GIRLS
Oooh!
PIGGY
He has 300 kids!
GIRLS
(Disappointment)
Oh.
PIGGY
But, that’s OK. They’re all managers and presidents of his different areas of business.
GIRLS
Oooh!
PIGGY
He’s asked me something, something important. He wants me to move in with him.
JANICE
Oh, no! What a total bummer, man!
GIRLS
No, you can’t move out! What about our friendship! Please, Piggy. Oh, no! You can’t do this! (Ad. Libs.)
CHICKENS
(In protest) Cluck! Cluck! Cluck!
PIGGY
Listen please. Listen. (Shouting) SHUT UP!!! (There is total silence) He wants me to take one friend to work at his palace. And…oh…Janice, will you come with me?
JANICE
Well, I-
PIGGY
You’ll have a room and a nice new job…please.
JANICE
But I was gonna wash my hair and go for a-
PIGGY
(Angry) Do you wanna come with me or not!
JANICE
Oh, OK! Let’s go!
Ext. MISS PIGGY’s house. CAMILLA, the other CHICKENS and the GIRLS are waving goodbye to PIGGY and JANICE who are dresses in their hats and coats.
PIGGY
Goodbye, Pepper. Goodbye, Puffy. Goodbye, Julie. Goodbye, Stacey. I’ll call you all.
JANICE
Goodbye, Jessie. Goodbye, Camilla. Goodbye, Elektra. Goodbye, Denise. I’ll call you. (They get into a cab and drive away.)
Ext. Teeth House. The cab pulls up to the gates surrounding the large gold building. The gates open and the cab goes in.
Int. Entrance Hall. Teeth House. It is a large and grand room with paintings, antiques and other expensive objects dotted around the room. There are workers and attendants running everywhere. A grand gold staircase is in the centre of the room. SCOOTER approaches PIGGY and JANICE.
SCOOTER
Hi, I’m Scooter. Dr. Teeth is expecting you. Let me show you girls around.
MUSICAL NO. 2-I THINK I’M GONNA LIKE IT HERE.
SCOOTER
BOBO WILL PICK OUT ALL YOUR CLOTHES
BOBO
(Spoken. To Janice) GREEN IS HER BEST COLOUR, NO BLUE I THINK.
SCOOTER
YOUR BATH IS DRAWN BY ANNIE SUE.
ANNIE SUE
(Spoken. To Piggy) SOAP...NO, BUBBLES, I THINK.
SCOOTER
RIZZO COMES IN TO MAKE YOUR BED.
RIZZO
(Spoken. To Janice) THE SILK, NO THE SATIN SHEETS, I THINK.
PIGGY
I THINK I'M GONNA LIKE IT HERE!
SCOOTER
THE SWIMMING POOL IS TO THE LEFT
JANICE
(Spoken) INSIDE THE HOUSE? OH BOY.
SCOOTER
THE TENNIS COURT IS IN THE REAR
PIGGY
(Spoken) I NEVER EVEN PICKED UP A RACKET.
SCOOTER
HAVE AN INSTRUCTOR HERE AT NOON
JANICE
I THINK I'M GONNA LIKE IT HERE.
SCOOTER
WHEN YOU WAKE RING FOR DRAKE
DRAKE WILL BRING YOUR TRAY
WHEN YOU'RE THROUGH MRS.PUGH
COMES AND TAKES IT AWAY.
RIZZO
NO NEED TO PICK UP ANY THINGS!
PIGGY
(Spoken) That's OK, I haven't got any anyway.
SCOOTER
NO FINGER WILL YOU LIFT MY DEAR
ALL ATTENDANTS
WE HAVE BUT ONE REQUEST
PLEASE PUT US TO THE TEST
PIGGY
I KNOW I'M GONNA LIKE IT HERE
JANICE
USED TO ROOM IN A TOMB
WHERE I'D SIT AND FREEZE
GET ME NOW, HOLY COW
COULD SOMEONE PINCH ME PLEASE.
SCOOTER
WE'VE NEVER HAD A WOMAN PIG!
ALL
WE'VE NEVER HAD A WOMAN PIG.
WE HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND YOUR WISH IS OUR COMMAND
PIGGY & JANICE
I KNOW I'M GONNA LIKE IT HERE!
SCOOTER
That’s the spirit! Well done, girls. So shall I show you to your new apartments?
JANICE
Yeah, man! (To Piggy) Piggy, this is so totally cool! I can’t believe you’re going to be dating this guy!
PIGGY
Yes! (She runs around the entrance hall) Hooray! Yes! Hallelui-AAARRRGGGHHH! (She falls over in a wet patch of the marble floor. Kermit is standing over her with a janitor’s uniform on and a mop in his hand. Janice runs over to see what happens.)
KERMIT
Excuse me, but are you OK? (Piggy gets up. She is madly in love with Kermit)
PIGGY
Er…yes, I’ll live.
KERMIT
Oh, good. (He pulls Piggy up with his hand) I’m so sorry; I’ve made a terrible first impression.
PIGGY
Well, I always say first impressions are always the worst!
KERMIT
Listen, I feel really guilty about what just happened. Can I take you out for a drink, on me?
PIGGY
Yes, of course-
JANICE
Piggy, what about-
PIGGY
(Whispering) Shut it, Janice! (To Kermit) Of course, I’d love that.
KERMIT
OK, how’s Saturday?
PIGGY
Fine, I’m free.
KERMIT
OK, I’ll meet you here at 7 PM on Saturday.
PIGGY
It’s a date!
KERMIT
Yes, it’s a date, Miss..?
PIGGY
Piggy, Miss Piggy.
KERMIT
Miss Piggy, what a beautiful name.
SCOOTER
(Approaching) Ah, ladies. You seem to have met Kermit, our deputy janitor.
PIGGY
Yes, we’ve got to know each other.
SCOOTER
Well, to your new home! (Scooter and Janice leave)
KERMIT
Bye, Piggy. See you on Saturday.
PIGGY
Bye, Kermie! (She leaves. Rizzo approaches Kermit)
RIZZO
Hey, Kermit. I see you’ve met the chick.
KERMIT
She’s not a chicken, she’s a pig. I’ve got a date with that pig on Saturday night.
RIZZO
You what?
KERMIT
Miss Piggy and I have got a date for Saturday night.
RIZZO
You can’t! Do you realise who she is? Do you realise why she’s here?
KERMIT
Well…no.
RIZZO
She ain't just any old chick; she’s the boss’s chick!
KERMIT
OK, will you stop saying-she’s what?
RIZZO
That’s the new lady friend that Teeth's got living here.
KERMIT
Well, I thought he had a wife.
RIZZO
What gave you that idea?
KERMIT
He’s got 300 kids, what would you think?
RIZZO
Yeah, sure.
KERMIT
Oh, what am I gonna do, Rizzo?
RIZZO
Come on; let’s get back to our place.
KERMIT
Yeah. (They climb the gold staircase)
Int. The boy’s apartment. This is a small room with 5 beds, 2 sofas, 1 television and a door that says “W.C.” on it. Fozzie, Pepe and Gonzo are sitting on a sofa, watching TV. Rizzo and Kermit enter through the front door.
FOZZIE
Hey, Kermit.
GONZO
Hello.
PEPE
Good evening, OK.
KERMIT
No, it’s been a crummy day!
FOZZIE
What happened?
GONZO
Did you get bit? (Everyone looks at Gonzo, there is a pause) What?
KERMIT
No, I got a date-
PEPE
That’s wonderful, OK.
GONZO
Oh, your date bit you! (Everyone looks at Gonzo again, there is another pause)
KERMIT
No, my date was-
GONZO
So, who got bit?
KERMIT
No one got bit! I’ve fallen in love with the girlfriend of Dr. Teeth! I’m going out with her on Saturday night. What am I going to do?
GONZO
Er…I don’t know.
PEPE
Hey, you don’t worry. She made a move on you first, OK.
RIZZO
Yeah, if she really loves Teeth, she’d have rejected you. As far as you are concerned, there’s no Dr. Teeth in the picture. Just act as if you don’t know she’s dating him.
FOZZIE
And don’t mention it to anyone, because we all know what happened to the last guy who was dating Teeth's lady friend.
GONZO
(Whispering) Fozzie!
FOZZIE
Can’t you remember Gonzo, when Dr. Teeth found out that his girlfriend was seeing the bell boy at his hotel in Atlantic City? Oh, he beat him, and he smacked him, and then threw him down the elevator shaft. It was terrib-(He realises what he’s done) but, that won’t happen to you Kermit…unless Teeth finds out. (Kermit sinks into a seat)
Int. Piggy’s apartment. This is a grand room with white and gold walls. There is a luxury sofa, dining table and television set and many more other expensive items in the room. Piggy and Janice enter and dump their bags on the floor. They are amazed.
PIGGY
Holy cow!
JANICE
Man! This is it, for sure!
PIGGY
If my friends could see me now!
JANICE
We have arrived! Hooray! (They start hugging each other) The one thing I can’t understand is why you’re going out with that frog on Saturday.
PIGGY
Well you know what I’m like!
MUSICAL NO. 3-I CAN’T SAY NO.
PIGGY
IT AIN'T SO MUCH A QUESTION OF NOT KNOWING WHAT TO DO.
I’VE KNOWN WHAT’S RIGHT AND WRONG SINCE I WAS TEN.
I HEARD A LOT OF STORIES AND I RECKON THEY ARE TRUE
ABOUT HOW GIRLS ARE PUT UPON BY MEN.
I KNOW I MUSTN'T FALL INTO THE PIT,
BUT WHEN I'M WITH A FELLER, I FORGET!
I'M JUST A GIRL WHO CAN’T SAY NO,
I'M IN A TERRIBLE FIX I ALWAYS SAY "COME ON, LET’S GO"
JUST WHEN I OUGHT TO SAY NIX!
WHEN A PERSON TRIES TO KISS A GIRL,
I KNOW SHE OUGHT TO GIVE HIS FACE A SMACK.
BUT AS SOON AS SOMEONE KISSES ME,
I SOMEHOW, SORT OF, WANT TO KISS HIM BACK!
I'M JUST A FOOL WHEN LIGHTS ARE LOW
I CAN’T BE PRISSY AND QUAINT
I AIN'T THE TYPE THAT CAN FAINT
HOW CAN I BE WHAT I AIN'T?
I CAN’T SAY NO!
WHAT YOU GOING TO DO WHEN A FELLER GETS FLIRTY, AND STARTS TO TALK PURTY?
WHAT YOU GOING TO DO?
SUPPOSING' 'AT HE SAYS 'AT YOUR LIPS ARE LIKE CHERRIES, ER ROSES, ER BERRIES?
WHAT YOU GOING TO DO?
SUPPOSING AT HE SAYS THAT YOU'RE SWEETER THAN CREAM,
AND HE'S GOT TO HAVE CREAM OR DIE?
WHAT YOU GOING TO DO WHEN HE TALKS THAT WAY,
SPIT IN HIS EYE?
I'M JUST A GIRL WHO CAN’T SAY NO,
CAN’T SEEM TO SAY IT AT ALL
I HATE TO DISAPPOINT A BEAU
WHEN HE IS PAYING' A CALL!
FOR A WHILE I ACT REFINED AND COOL,
A SITTING ON THE VELVETEEN SETTEE
THEN I THINK OF THAT OLD GOLDEN RULE,
AND DO FOR HIM WHAT HE WOULD DO FOR ME!
I CAN’T RESIST A ROMEO
IN A SOMBRERO AND CHAPS
SOON AS I SIT ON THEIR LAPS
SOMETHING' INSIDE OF ME SNAPS (She karate chops the sofa and it breaks in 2)
I CAN’T SAY NO!
JANICE
So every time a guy asked you to dance in High School-
PIGGY
I said yes! There were gaping big holes in my disco shoes! (There is a knock at the door)
ANIMAL
(Voice) Room service!
PIGGY
Enter!!!
ANIMAL
(He enters and sees Miss Piggy) HOT WOMAN!!! (He drops his silver tray and jumps at Piggy, who pushes him off)
PIGGY
GET OUT, YOU **** ANIMAL!!! (He gets locked out. Janice looks at Piggy) Well, I have some standards!
JANICE
Oh, Piggy. (The phone rings. Piggy answers it)
PIGGY
(To phone) Hello…speaking…yeah…oh…OK…bye. (She puts the phone down) It’s Dr. Teeth, he wants to see me right away. Goodbye, Janice! (She leaves)
Int. Dr. Teeth’s office. It is a dark room with a spotlight pointing to a desk with 4 chairs. The first chair is on one side and the others are on the other side. Dr. Teeth is sitting on the single chair)
DR. TEETH
NEXT!!!
PIGGY
(Running in) TEETH!!! Did you miss me?
DR. TEETH
Of course, Piggy! (Piggy starts kissing him all over) OK, OK! (She stops) How’s the room?
PIGGY
Oh, it’s wonderful! I have a coffee table, and 130 extra channels for my television, and a-
DR. TEETH
That’s great Piggy. So have you met any new people?
PIGGY
Yes, I’ve made friends with an amazing janitor called Kermit. He’s taking me out on Saturday night and-
DR. TEETH
HE WHAT???
PIGGY
Oh, it’s OK; we’re just going out as friends.
DR. TEETH
But after Saturday I don’t want you seeing this Kermit guy, or any of the other staff. It could cause all sort of problems.
PIGGY
But I just ha-
DR. TEETH
No buts!
PIGGY
OK.
MUSICAL NO. 4-CHU-CHI FACE.
DR. TEETH
YOU’RE MY LITTLE CHU-CHI FACE
MY COO-CHI, COO-CHI, WOO-CHI LITTLE CHU-CHI FACE
EVERY TIME I LOOK AT YOU I SIGH
PIGGY
AND YOU’RE MY LITTLE TEDDY BEAR
MY LOVEY LOVEY DOVEY LITTLE TEDDY BEAR
YOU’RE THE APFEL STRUDEL OF MINE EYE
YOUR CHU-CHI WOO-CHI NOSE
YOUR CHU-CHI WOO-CHI EYES
DR. TEETH
THEY SET MY HEART A FLUTTER
YOUR OOO-CHI COO-CHI WAYS
YOUR OOO-CHI COO-CHI GAZE
WILTS ME DOWN LIKE MELTING BUTTER
YOU’RE MY LITTLE CHU-CHI FACE
PIGGY
AND YOU’RE MY TEDDY BEAR
TOGETHER WE’RE A CHU-CHI WOO-CHI, OOO-CHI COO-CHI PAIR
WHATEVER YOU MAY ASK BECOMES MY HAPPY TASK
I ONLY LIVE TO SERVE YOU
DR. TEETH
I NEVER WILL DIVINE WHAT MAGIC MADE YOU MINE
I ONLY KNOW I DON’T DESERVE YOU
YOU’RE MY LITTLE CHU-CHI FACE
PIGGY
AND YOU’RE MY TEDDY BEAR
TOGETHER WE’RE A CHU-CHI WOO-CHI, OOO-CHI COO-CHI
CHU-CHI, WOO-CHI, OOO-CHI, COO-CHI PAIR
CHU-CHI
WOO-CHI
OOO-CHI
COO-CHI PAIR
DR. TEETH
You shall dine with me tonight in the grand hall.
PIGGY
Thanks, sweetie. Bye! (She leaves)
DR. TEETH
Sam!!! (Sam the Eagle comes in)
SAM THE EAGLE
Yes, sir.
DR. TEETH
Bring in Team XXX!
SAM THE EAGLE
Are you sure you want to-
DR. TEETH
Just do it!!!
SAM THE EAGLE
Yes, sir. (He leaves. A few moments later, 6 men in tuxedos and suitcases come in. They are Lew Zealand, Beaker, Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, Crazy Harry, Andy Pig and Randy Pig. They all place their cases on the desk.)
DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW
You called, Sir?
DR. TEETH
Yes, I want Kermit the Frog dead!
RANDY
No! You can’t kill Kermit. He’s the star of this movie! He’s the-
DR. TEETH
Randy!!!
RANDY
I’m sorry, Sir.
DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW
Well, we have been producing and inventing various little things over various weeks. First, a gadget for Lew Zealand here. We know he likes throwing fish, so we’ve invented him this. Beaker, open the case. (Beaker enters and opens one of the suitcases and produces a fish. Everyone holds their noses)
ANDY
How long as that been in there?
DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW
Approximately 3 months.
BEAKER
Approximately 3 months.
DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW
Lew simply throws the fish and…bang! (Andy picks it up)
ANDY
Look! (Putting on funny voice and playing with fish) My name is Felicity, and if I fall I go pop! Pop! Pop! Pop! Pop! Pop! Pop! Po-
DR. TEETH
Andy!!!
ANDY
AAAARRRGGGGHHHHH!!! (He drops the fish on the desk. There is a huge explosion and the desk breaks up into a million pieces. The debris flies everywhere)
DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW
Oh, dear!
CRAZY HARRY
Crazy Harry likes explosions!!!
DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW
Sorry about that desk, Sir. Now, for Andy and Randy here we have this. (He picks up a bottle of “Sip Sip Bang Bang" cola) Here we have a bottle of soft drink, innocent to the eye and deadly to the taste. You simply sip and the drink will take your victim to a couple of hundred years of snoozing.
RANDY
Erm, Dr. Honeydew, what happens if we mix this bottle up with normal cola?
DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW
You can easily distinguish this bottle from others; this one has a large red cross over the bottle top. Now, we all know that Crazy Harry likes explosions, so here is something we’ve been testing out. (Beaker picks up a large model of a fly) Simply pull one of the wings and let her fly. In 15 seconds she will blow her top, quite literally!
BEAKER
Quite literally! Beep!
DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW
Yes, luckily we are targeting a frog, and frogs love flies. So that’s it what do you think, sir?
DR. TEETH
I think we need a little extra help. Sam! Bring in Agent Z!
ALL
Agent Z!
Int. The boy’s apartment. The boys are all in their beds. Kermit is sitting up with his pyjamas on.
FOZZIE
Goodnight, Gonzo. Goodnight, Pepe. Goodnight, Kermit. Goodnight, Rizzo. Goodnight, Mary-Ellen. Goodnight, John Boy. Goodnight, Grandma. Goodnight, Grandpa. Goodnight, Marlon Brando, Goodnight, Jennifer Garner. (Kermit starts to sing)
MUSICAL NO. 5-CASTLE ON A CLOUD.
KERMIT
THERE IS A CASTLE ON A CLOUD,
I LIKE TO GO THERE IN MY SLEEP,
AREN'T ANY FLOORS FOR ME TO SWEEP,
NOT IN MY CASTLE ON A CLOUD.
THERE IS A ROOM THAT'S FULL OF TOYS,
THERE ARE A HUNDRED BOYS AND GIRLS,
NOBODY SHOUTS OR TALKS TOO LOUD,
NOT IN MY CASTLE ON A CLOUD.
THERE IS A LADY ALL IN WHITE,
HOLDS ME AND SINGS A LULLABY,
SHE'S NICE TO SEE AND SHE'S SOFT TO TOUCH,
SHE SAYS "KERMIT, I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH."
I KNOW A PLACE WHERE NO ONE'S LOST,
I KNOW A PLACE WHERE NO ONE CRIES,
CRYING AT ALL IS NOT ALLOWED,
NOT IN MY CASTLE ON A CLOUD. (We go into Kermit’s dream. He is in his room with his broom and mop)
OH HELP! I THINK I HEAR THEM NOW,
AND I'M NOWHERE NEAR FINISHED SWEEPING AND
SCRUBBING AND POLISHING THE FLOOR.
OH, IT'S HIM! IT'S MAD MAN! (Dr. Teeth enters)
DR. TEETH
NOW LOOK WHO'S HERE
THE LITTLE FROG HERSELF!
PRETENDING ONCE AGAIN HE'S BEEN SO AWFULLY GOOD,'
BETTER NOT LET ME CATCH YOU SLACKING
BETTER NOT CATCH MY EYE!
TEN ROTTEN BUCKS YOUR MOTHER SENDS ME
WHAT IS THAT GOING TO BUY?
NOW TAKE THAT PAIL
MY LITTLE ANIMAL!
AND GO AND DRAW SOME WATER FROM THE WELL!
WE SHOULD NEVER HAVE TAKEN YOU IN IN THE FIRST PLACE
HOW STUPID THE THINGS THAT WE DO!
LIKE FATHER LIKE SON, THE SCUM OF THE STREET.
KERMIE, COME MY DEAR, KERMIE, LET ME SEE YOU
YOU LOOK VERY WELL IN THAT NEW LITTLE BLUE HAT
THERE'S SOME LITTLE FROGS WHO KNOW HOW TO BEHAVE
AND THEY KNOW WHAT TO WEAR
AND I'M SAYING THANK HEAVEN FOR THAT.
STILL THERE KERMIT? (Kermit starts weeping)
YOUR TEARS WILL DO YOU NO GOOD!
I TOLD YOU FETCH SOME WATER FROM THE WELL IN THE WOOD!
KERMIT
PLEASE DO NOT SEND ME OUT ALONE
NOT IN THE DARKNESS ON MY OWN!
DR. TEETH
ENOUGH OF THAT, OR I'LL FORGET TO BE NICE!
YOU HEARD ME ASK FOR SOMETHING,
AND I NEVER ASK TWICE! (Kermit wakes up quickly)
FOZZIE
Goodnight, Julie Andrews. Goodnight, George Bush. Goodnight, Angelina J-oh, hey Kermit. Have a bad dream?
KERMIT
Yeah, I did. Fozzie, do you think that if Dr. Teeth really does find out about Miss Piggy and I, he’ll come after me.
FOZZIE
No, of course not! Kermit, you have the best friends that even money can’t buy.
KERMIT
In know, but-
FOZZIE
Remember what I always say-you never walk alone!
KERMIT
I will, Fozzie.
FOZZIE
Good, you enjoy your date with Miss Piggy. If anyone asks, you’re just friends.
KERMIT
Hey, maybe Miss Piggy only wants to be friends. Maybe I took this the wrong way. Now I can sleep better! Thanks, Fozzie. (He relaxes in his bed)
FOZZIE
No problem! (He stars snoring)
Int. Entrance Hall. Teeth House. It is fairly empty except from Kermit. He is standing at the bottom of the stairs. Miss Piggy starts to descend the stairs. She is wearing a glamorous dress and has done her hair especially. She looks wonderful. When she is 5 steps down, she falls over and tumbles down the stairs. She gets up next to Kermit.
PIGGY
Oh, er…sorry Kermit.
KERMIT
It’s OK, but you do seem a tad accident prone.
PIGGY
Yes, it comes from my mother’s side.
KERMIT
I see.
PIGGY
So, where are we going tonight?
KERMIT
There’s a new club open down the street called “The Golden Toothpick”. I thought we could go there. It’s the new Teeth club, so we may get a dollar off our bill.
PIGGY
Yeah. So, let’s go! (They leave)
Int. Golden Toothpick Ballroom. This is a traditional ballroom with a bar on the side. There are couples milling around and dancing. Kermit and Miss Piggy enter.
PIGGY
It’s wonderful.
KERMIT
Yeah. (There is a long pause) Piggy, why didn’t you tell me about you and Dr. Teeth?
PIGGY
Erm…(pointing off camera) is that a ghost?
KERMIT
No, that’s a cardboard cut-out. Piggy I-
PIGGY
Oh, come on Kermie! Let’s dance and get to know each other.
KERMIT
OK. (The Electric Mayhem, minus Janice and Dr. Teeth and plus Rolf, start to play a song. Kermit and Piggy start to dance on the dance floor)
MUSICAL NO. 6-GETTING TO KNOW YOU.
PIGGY
AS A PIGGY I'VE BEEN LEARNING,
YOU'LL FORGIVE ME IF I BOAST,
AND I'VE NOW BECOME AN EXPERT,
ON THE SUBJECT I LIKE MOST.
(Spoken) Getting to know you.
(Sung) GETTING TO KNOW YOU,
GETTING TO KNOW ALL ABOUT YOU.
GETTING TO LIKE YOU,
GETTING TO HOPE YOU LIKE ME.
GETTING TO KNOW YOU,
PUTTING IT MY WAY,
BUT NICELY,
YOU ARE PRECISELY,
MY CUP OF TEA
KERMIT
GETTING TO KNOW YOU,
GETTING TO KNOW ALL ABOUT YOU.
GETTING TO LIKE YOU,
GETTING TO HOPE YOU LIKE ME.
GETTING TO KNOW YOU,
PUTTING IT MY WAY,
BUT NICELY,
YOU ARE PRECISELY,
PIGGY
MY CUP OF TEA.
KERMIT
GETTING TO KNOW YOU,
GETTING TO FEEL FREE AND EASY
WHEN I AM WITH YOU,
GETTING TO KNOW WHAT TO SAY
HAVEN'T YOU NOTICED
SUDDENLY I'M BRIGHT AND BREEZY?
BECAUSE OF ALL THE BEAUTIFUL AND NEW
THINGS I'M LEARNING ABOUT YOU
DAY BY DAY.
PIGGY
GETTING TO KNOW YOU,
GETTING TO FEEL FREE AND EASY
WHEN I AM WITH YOU,
GETTING TO KNOW WHAT TO SAY
HAVEN'T YOU NOTICED
SUDDENLY I'M BRIGHT AND BREEZY?
BECAUSE OF ALL THE BEAUTIFUL AND NEW
THINGS I'M LEARNING ABOUT YOU
DAY…BY…DAY. (They stop dancing and stand by the bar)
KERMIT
Well, that dance was certainly nice.
PIGGY
Yes, it was. Kermie, the reason I didn’t mention Dr. Teeth is that I didn’t want you to worry about it.
KERMIT
Does Dr. Teeth know about us having a drink tonight?
PIGGY
Yes, we have spoken about the matter in hand.
KERMIT
And what does he think.
PIGGY
Er-do you like my new hairstyle.
KERMIT
Piggy, your hair is no different to the last time I saw it.
PIGGY
He, he, he! Kermit, you make me giggle. (Clifford, the bartender, approaches Kermit and Piggy)
CLIFFORD
Hey, frog! Do you wanna drink?
KERMIT
Yes, a glass of water-
PIGGY
Along with a round of your finest champagne! Put it on Dr. Teeth’s tab!
CLIFFORD
For sure! (Shouting) Grover! Pop open some of that cheap garbage from the van!
GROVER
(Behind bar) Will do! (A new song is played by the band. Annie-Sue is singing with Rowlf. Everyone starts to dance)
MUSICAL NO. 7-WHO’S GOT THE PAIN?
Annie-Sue
UGH!
WHO'S GOT THE PAIN WHEN THEY DO THE MAMBO?
WHO'S GOT THE PAIN WHEN THEY GO "UGH"?
WHO'S GOT THE PAIN WHEN THEY DO THE MAMBO?
I DUNNO WHO-DO YOU?
ROWLF
WHO NEEDS A PILL WHEN THEY DO THE MAMBO?
WHO NEEDS A PILL WHEN THEY GO "UGH"?
WHO NEEDS A PILL WHEN THEY DO THE MAMBO?
I DUNNO WHO-DO YOU?
CLIFFORD
SOMEONE MUST BE SICK WITH THE HEAT?
OR STEPPIN' IN EVERYONE'S FEET?
PEPE
BUT IF EVERYONE'S FEELIN' O.K.
BILL FROG
WHY DON'T THEY JUST SAY "OLAY"?
ROWLF
WHEN THE MUSIC CARRIES THEN AWAY! "UGH!"?
ZIPPETY-ZAP
WHO'S GOT THE PAIN WHEN THEY DO THE MAMBO?
JOHNNY FIAMA
WHO'S GOT THE PAIN WHEN THEY GO "UGH"?
SAL
WHO'S GOT THE PAIN WHEN THEY DO THE MAMBO?
MUPPET NEWSMAN
I DUNNO WHO-DO YOU?
POPS
IS THERE A DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE?
GROVER
IS THERE A DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE?
LINK HOGTHROB
IS THERE A DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE?
POINT HIM OUT,
JULIUS STRANGEPORK
FOR THERE IS AN ELEMENT OF DOUBT-AS TO
KERMIT
WHO'S GOT THE PAIN WHEN THEY DO THE MAMBO?
PIGGY
WHO'S GOT THE PAIN WHEN THEY GO "UGH"?
ALL
WHO'S GOT THE PAIN WHEN THEY DO THE MAMBO?
I DUNNO WHO-DO YOU?
