Muppet Script: The Muppet News Show

theprawncracker

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Hey gang! Not sure how many of you remember, but in my last fan-fic (Men Are Pigs) I mentioned that I have a lot of summer homework for my honors English class, and that my teacher said I could write something Muppety? Well, here's that Muppety something. Posting it here in honor of The Muppet Show Season 2's release date today! Hope you all enjoy it! It's really my take on this that Beau and I discovered last summer. I'm open to any and all criticism/comments, 'cause this needs to be good enough to turn in! Thanks gang! (Oh, and one more thing, no idea how this is gonna copy from Word Perfect into here, it may look good, but it'll probably look bad, so try and get through it. :stick_out_tongue:)​



THE MUPPET NEWS SHOW
INT. NEWS STUDIO


KERMIT
the Frog stands in the center of the news studio in center view of the camera.


KERMIT
(greeting)
Hi-ho everyone, and welcome again to The Muppet News Show! We’ve got a great show for you tonight and a bunch of news, so it’s time to get things started with our very own correspondents on all things edible, Rizzo the Rat, and all things inedible, The Swedish Chef!​

INT. KITCHEN

THE SWEDISH CHEF stands behind one of the counters, rubbing his hands together, and humming along with the opening music.

THE SWEDISH CHEF
(mock Swedish)

Oh, hellu, and velcume-a tu my keetchee! Tudey I’ll be-a cunkeeng up oone-a oof zee huttest noo meels in tudey’s interteenment, Reteteuoollee-a!​

INT. NEWS STUDIO

KERMIT is looking up into a picture-in-picture of the kitchen.​

KERMIT
Chef? Where’s Rizzo?

INT. KITCHEN

THE SWEDISH CHEF pulls RIZZO the Rat; who is tied up; out from under the counter and sets him down.​

THE SWEDISH CHEF
(mock Swedish)
Here-a is zee ret!​

THE SWEDISH CHEF sets down a toolbox next to RIZZO.​

THE SWEDISH CHEF (CONT’D)
(mock Swedish)
Und here-a are zee tulies!​

RIZZO begins to squirm around the counter.​

RIZZO
(groans)
Hey, get me outta d’is t’ing! I’ll call my lawyer!​

RIZZO looks at the camera.​

RIZZO (CONT’D)
He’s a rat. Heh!​

THE SWEDISH CHEF holds RIZZO down.​

THE SWEDISH CHEF
(mock Swedish)
Huld steel! I hefe-a tu meke-a Reteteuoollee-a, it’s fur zee feooers!​

RIZZO
Da viewers? I don’t give a rat’s a-​

RIZZO turns slowly to the camera.​

RIZZO (CONT’D)
I– uh, I mean, I love da viewers, heh, heh.​

THE SWEDISH CHEF
(mock Swedish)
Su let me meke-a Reteteuoollee-a!​

RIZZO
Da viewers don’t wanna see me get made into some funky French side dish!​

THE SWEDISH CHEF
(mock Swedish)
Thet’s vhet yuoo theenk.​

RIZZO
And what is d’at s’pposed to mean? But anyway, you can’t cook me! I’ve gotta stick around for de ot’er segments.​

THE SWEDISH CHEF
(mock Swedish)
Ooh.​

RIZZO
Actually, I’m in da next one. So... ya wanna untie me, or what?​

THE SWEDISH CHEF
(mock Swedish)
Mmhm!​

INT. NEWS STUDIO

KERMIT stands nodding as the picture-in-picture leaves.​

KERMIT
Thank you guys, even though you didn’t cook anything– though, that’s probably safer for all of us.​


KERMIT clears his throat.

KERMIT (CONT’D)
Anyway, our next segment features Gonzo the Great and Rizzo the Rat reporting to us on the Weird World of Sports! Gonzo?​

INT. STADIUM

GONZO the Great and RIZZO stand at one of the top rows of what looks to be a large basketball stadium. Gonzo is looking at the camera and Rizzo is peering down at the event below.​

GONZO
Hi Kermit! Guess where we are!

INT. NEWS STUDIO

KERMIT is looking at the picture-in-picture with GONZO and RIZZO inside it.​

KERMIT
Well, from the looks of it, I’d say a basketball game?​


INT. STADIUM

GONZO laughs.​

GONZO
C’mon, Kermit, it’s called ‘Weird World of Sports,u2019 basketball isn’t weird! We’re at a dog show!​


RIZZO turns around nodding.

RIZZO
Yeah, I’m just glad it ain’t a cat show.​

GONZO
How did you get here from that kitchen so fast?​

RIZZO
You’d be surprised how fast you can run when being chased by a crazed Swede with a cleaver.​

GONZO
Sounds like fun!​

RIZZO
Can we start talkin’ about d’is dog show now?​

GONZO
Sure!​

GONZO and RIZZO stare at each other.​

RIZZO
Well?​

GONZO
Well what?​

RIZZO
(annoyed)
Are we gonna talk about it or not?​

GONZO
I was waiting for you.​

RIZZO
You t’ink I know what’s goin’ on here?​

GONZO shrugs.​

GONZO
Someone has to.​

RIZZO
Well I don’t!​

GONZO
Then what are we supposed to be reporting on?​

INT. NEWS STUDIO

KERMIT continues to watch the picture-in-picture.​

KERMIT
Uh, guys, could I make a suggestion?​


INT. STADIUM

GONZO and RIZZO look at the camera.​

GONZO
Sure!​


RIZZO
Please.​


INT. NEWS STUDIO

KERMIT nods.​

KERMIT
Okay then–​

KERMIT calls offstage.​

KERMIT (CONT’D)
Okay, Rowlf, c’mon in!​

ROWLF the Dog walks on camera wearing a tie and glasses.​

KERMIT (CONT’D)
What’s with the outfit?​

ROWLF
I’m a doctor.

KERMIT
Ah, I see. Dr. Bob, I presume?​

ROWLF
Yup, I’ve left the medical profession–​

KERMIT
And we’re all glad to hear that.​

ROWLF
–for a career in animal studies.​

KERMIT
Weren’t you already a veterinarian?​

ROWLF
Well sure, but I didn’t actually study anything.​

KERMIT
Ah ha, I see. You specialize in dogs, I presume?​

ROWLF
Yup, they’re the easiest.​

KERMIT
Why’s that?​

ROWLF
Well, you may or may not have noticed, but I, myself, am a dog.​

KERMIT
I did notice, actually.​

ROWLF
I figured, but a lot of people don’t.​

KERMIT
Oh really?​

ROWLF
Yeah, how do you think I avoid leash laws?​

KERMIT
I always wondered. Anyway, Rowlf, what can you tell us about this dog show?​

ROWLF
What dog show?​

KERMIT
The dog show we’re supposed to be talking about!​

ROWLF
No idea what you’re talkin’ about.​

KERMIT scrunches up his face in annoyance.​

KERMIT
And people wonder why we don’t do more sports segments.​

ROWLF
Can I go now?​

KERMIT
Are you gonna talk about the dog show?​

ROWLF
What dog show?​

KERMIT
Yeah, you can go.​

ROWLF exits and KERMIT shakes his head.​

KERMIT
Thanks Gonzo, Rizzo, for that... very short look at an unnamed dog show. Moving right along, next we have Fozzie Bear with his outlook on the newest films! Take it away, Fozzie!​

INT. STAGE WITH RED CURTAINS

FOZZIE BEAR stands in front of the curtains.​

FOZZIE BEAR
Where should I take it? Ahh! Wocka! Wocka!​

FOZZIE BEAR waits for a reaction.​

FOZZIE BEAR
Ah... uh, anyway, the newest movie to theaters this week is The Bourne Ultimatum, staring Matt Damon! This is the third installment in the Bourne series, but what I can’t understand is why it takes them three movies to figure out where he was born. Ahh! Get it?​

FOZZIE BEAR waits again for a reaction.

FOZZIE BEAR
Tough crowd... Uh, anyway! Also in theaters is Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix really it’s a magical movie! Ahh! Wocka! Wocka! Even though the name is kind of Harry it’s still a very orderly film! Wocka! Wocka!​

FOZZIE BEAR sighs as this joke bombs along with the others.

FOZZIE BEAR
Well, finally, on DVD this week is a show very near and dear to my heart, The Muppet Show Season 2 is released on a four-disc Special Edition DVD set this week! I’m hilarious in it, if I do say so myself, no matter what those two old guys say. Anyway! We’ve got tons of guest stars ranging from Elton John to Rudolf Nureyev, the ballet dancer, yeah, he danced with a huge pig– and it wasn’t Miss Piggy! Ahh!​

INT. NEWS STUDIO

KERMIT squirms around.​

KERMIT
Uh, yeah, thank you Fozzie, and let’s hope Miss Piggy didn’t hear that.​

MISS PIGGY
(offstage) (angrily)
Keep hopin’, frog! We’re gonna have a new bear skin rug when I’m through!​

KERMIT gulps loudly.​

KERMIT
Believe me, I will. Ladies and gentlemen, here to give us her report on all things fashionable and popular– if only because she karate chopped our producer– Miss Piggy!​

INT. DRESSING ROOM

MISS PIGGY sits with her legs crossed on a large pink, lacy couch.​

MISS PIGGY
(greeting)
Bounjour, mes amigos! Welcome to moi’s fashion segment in moi’s new show. As vous all know, moi is always on the cutting room floor with all things fashionable–​


SCOOTER, the go-fer enters, holding a clipboard.​

SCOOTER
(whispers)
Uh, Miss Piggy, it’s ‘cutting edge', not ‘cutting room floor.’​

MISS PIGGY glares at SCOOTER.​

MISS PIGGY
(angrily)
I’m gonna put you on the edge of the cutting room floor if you interrupt my segment again, kid!​

SCOOTER
(whispers)
Oops, sorry. Can I get you a coffee?​

MISS PIGGY
Yes, that would be lovely–​

SCOOTER begins to scurry off.

MISS PIGGY (CONT’D)
(calls after Scooter)
Double latte with whipped cream and an extra shot of caffeine–​

MISS PIGGY turns to the camera.​

MISS PIGGY (CONT’D)
–you’ve gotta have caffeine to work with these twits– and make sure it’s from Starbucks!
MISS PIGGY sighs.​

MISS PIGGY (CONT’D)
It is so hard to find good help these days. Now, on to the most popular trends, what we’ve been seeing from the media recently is a growing trend of being arrested. Yes, the Jailhouse Rock is certainly climbing the Top-Ten charts recently. Also, one cannot forget the growing trend of getting married, then ending it before the wedding! Yes, a very dear friend of moi’s, Usher, planned a tres glamorous wedding, but cancelled it just before he meant to have it. I mean, c’mon, if ya get ‘em to say yes, why not marry ‘em? Right Kermie?​

MISS PIGGY bats her eyelashes at the camera.​

INT. NEWS STUDIO

KERMIT squirms uneasily while looking at the picture-in-picture.​

KERMIT
Um, something like that. Well, it seems we have to cut Miss Piggy’s segment short due to time restraints! Thank you, Piggy for-​


INT. DRESSING ROOM

MISS PIGGY
(shouts)
What? You can’t be serious, frog! I’ll call my agent! You’ll be hearing from Bernie, ya hear me? I–​

SCOOTER runs back in holding a cup of coffee.​

SCOOTER
Here’s your coffee, ma’am!​

MISS PIGGY
I told you not to interrupt my segment! That’s it! HI-YA!​

MISS PIGGY karate chops SCOOTER, sending coffee flying.​

INT. NEWS STUDIO

The camera cuts back to the news studio just before the coffee hits MISS PIGGY.

MISS PIGGY’s screams echo through the news studio.​

KERMIT gulps loudly again.​

KERMIT
Erm, we’ll check back in with Piggy and the degrees of her burns later on in the show... Moving away quickly, we have Pepe the Prawn and Animal reporting to us on the hottest celebrity names in today’s media! Pepe?​

EXT. CITY STREET, NIGHT

PEPE and ANIMAL are standing on the sidewalk, each holding a microphone.​

PEPE
Hola, Pepe here–​


ANIMAL
(pants)
Ani-mal! Ah ha ha!​

PEPE
Si, he es here too, hokay? Big deal. Now for de hot celebrities, hokay? First, we have Linsday Lohan, hokay?​

ANIMAL
Ah! Ah! D.U.I.! Ah ha ha!​

PEPE
Sh! Her peoples might also be connected to our peoples, hokay? Um, moving on, we have Paris Hilton!​

ANIMAL
Jail-bird! Jail-bird! Fly coop!​

PEPE
Jou’re weird. Um, and Nicole Richie!​

ANIMAL
Baby! Baby! Goo, goo! Gah, gah! Rah, rah, rah!​

PEPE
When did jou take up cheerleading? Ooh, and now we have de spicy Whoopi Goldberg, hokay?

ANIMAL
Dread-locks! Dread-locks! View! View! Bye, bye Rosie! Ah ha ha!​

PEPE
We are so getting sued for d’is, hokay?​

INT. NEWS STUDIO

KERMIT
Which is also why we’re cutting that segment short too!​

KERMIT stutters, trying to come up with another segment.​

KERMIT (CONT’D)
I guess now we can go to our segment on technology with our resident technologists, Dr. Bunsen Honeydew and his assistant Beaker! It’s all yours, guys!​

INT. LABORATORY

DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW and BEAKER stand in the lab.​

DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW
Thank you, mister Kermit, today Beaker and I have an exciting new product to present to you the viewers, we call it, the TVR! Yes, the TVR is a special invention of my own. Standing for ‘Totally Vocal Recorder’, this handy little gizmo will record all of your favorite dialogue from all of your favorite television shows! Isn’t that right, Beaker?​


BEAKER
Mee me!​

DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW
To demonstrate how this handy piece of machinery operates, Beaker here will record some audio from his favorite television show, and mine, and hopefully yours, The Muppet Show. No, this is not the last plug for our new DVD set, please, go buy it.​

BEAKER
Mo mee!​

DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW
That’s right, there will be more of you, Beakie! Now, get to recording.​

BEAKER walks over to a television and presses a button on a device with the letters "TVR" engraved on it. The machine begins to whir and make noise. BEAKER begins to jump up and down happily.​

BEAKER
Me mo! Meep me!
Suddenly, BEAKER’s "meeps" disappear and he can’t speak.​

DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW
Oh dear, it appears our new TVR technology has silenced Beaker!​

INT. NEWS STUDIO

KERMIT shakes his head.​

KERMIT
Are we going to get any of these sketches right? Sheesh, anyway, our last segment for the show is all about music with our resident band, Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem! Guys?​


INT. RECORDING STUDIO

DR. TEETH, FLOYD PEPPER, JANICE, ZOOT, ANIMAL, and CLIFFORD are gathered inside the recording studio.​

DR. TEETH
Greetings and salutations to all of you loyal viewers of the old boob-tube!​


JANICE
Like, rully, we’re so thrilled to have you! The band and I are here to talk about all the new music coming out.​


FLOYD PEPPER
That’s right, first up, we’ve got the new soundtrack from the groovy new movie/musical, Hairsrpay!​

CLIFFORD
Yeah, and we swear we don’t use any! Well, ‘cept Animal maybe.​

DR. TEETH
Nah, not Animal, he’s no stiff.

ANIMAL
Bouncy! Bouncy!​

ZOOT snores loudly in a chair with his feet propped up.

FLOYD PEPPER
Don’t listen to Zoot, man, this soundtrack sure ain’t a sleeper! Heh, heh!​

CLIFFORD
What else can we say about this soundtrack?​

JANICE
Like, that’s all the material we have.​

DR. TEETH
Alright, let’s move on to a new album.​

JANICE
No, I mean, like, that’s totally all the material we have at all.​

FLOYD
Man, the frog cut us short again!​

CLIFFORD
There’s not much shorter than a frog, Floyd.​

DR. TEETH
Except, perhaps, Zoot’s attention span.​

ZOOT wakes up momentarily to look around the room, then falls back asleep.

DR. TEETH
And on that note, that’s all the notes we have! Adios!​

INT. NEWS STUDIO

KERMIT
Well, that’s about all the material we have for this installment, so until next time–​

SAM EAGLE storms on camera next to KERMIT.

SAM EAGLE
Kermit, I am appalled!​

KERMIT
You, Sam? Appalled?​

SAM EAGLE
Yes, shocking as it may be– what with my calm demeanor– I could not believe that you forgot to let me do my political commentary segment!​

KERMIT
Sorry, Sam, but Gonzo and Rizzo’s segment ran long, we had to keep going without your commentary.​

SAM EAGLE
But their segment was distinctly un-patriotic, and downright weird.​

KERMIT
That’s what sells the DVDs.​

SAM EAGLE
Is that all you care about? The profit made from this... this... display?​

KERMIT
Oh, oh no, of course not, Sam!​

SAM EAGLE
I should hope not.​

KERMIT
I also care about the profit made from the merchandise.​

SAM EAGLE’s mouth falls open.​

KERMIT
It’s a joke, Sam.​

SAM EAGLE
I do not joke.​

KERMIT
I’ve noticed. Uh, anyway, we’ve really gotta be closing the show, and I think I should go check on Piggy’s burns–​

SAM EAGLE
She should really wear sun screen.​

KERMIT
Oh? Do you wear sun screen, Sam?​

SAM EAGLE
I have no use for sun screen.​

KERMIT
Why not?​

SAM EAGLE
I wear a one piece swimming suit.​

KERMIT stares up at SAM EAGLE.

KERMIT
Thank you Sam, for tonight’s Too Much Information segment! We’ll see you all next time on The Muppet News Show!​

INT. RETIREMENT HOME

STATLER AND WALDORF sit in two armchairs in pajamas.​


STATLER
You know television has gone down the drain when the news is awful!​


WALDORF
And they didn’t even deliver any bad news!​

STATLER
Waldorf, you old fool, they are the bad news!​

STATLER AND WALDORF laugh.​



THE END
 

redBoobergurl

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Oh my gosh! Prawnie! This is GREAT! I was laughing so hard! My favorite was Rowlf leaving the medical profession and then not knowing what dog show Kermit was talking about. And I also loved Fozzie doing movie reviews! Awesome stuff!
 

Beauregard

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I loved Fozzie's movie reviews, the Mayhem's moment in the spotlight, and Rizzo's line about the "funky French side dish!"

I'm hopeing to see more.

Also, good screenplay format.
 

Katzi428

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That was HILARIOUS Ryan!:big_grin: Two of the parts I thought were extremely funny is when they showed Whoopi & Animal went "View!View!Bye bye Rosie!"
And Sam fessing up to Kermit that he only wears a one piece bathing suit. Kermit replies with"Thank you Sam, for tonight’s Too Much Information segment!"
 
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