muppet 007

[MartyMuppets]

I've decided to try my hand at composing a fan-fic again. So inspired by Ed's proposed Muppet take on Harry Potter and a couple of Tony's fics featuring our friend, Lefty the Salesman from Sesame Street, this is what I will be making time to work on.

James Bond played by Gonzo
M played by Kermit
Q played by Bunsen with Beaker as his un-named assistant
Miss Moneypenny played by Prairie Dawn
Felix Leiter played by Bill the Bubble Guy
Goldfinger played by ? I can't think of a candidate at the moment. Any suggestions?
Oddjob played by Big Mean Carl

I'll build upon the cast and see how things go.

I'm open to any suggestions from anybody.

 

[MartyMuppets]

I've had a flash of inspiration so I'll make a start.

The scene opens at a Las Vegas Holiday Resort.

Felix Leiter (Bill the Bubble Guy) meets his friend Mr. James Bond (Gonzo) while he relaxes in an armchair by the pool with a whatnot girl on his arm.

Felix: Hello James.

James: Why Felix. How good to see you. (to the girl) I'll have to say good-bye. Time for man talk.

She watches regretfully as the two men walk away where they can talk privately.

Felix: Special orders from M James. You're assigned to keep a watch on a suspected gold smuggler by the name of Auric Goldfinger. Gold is disappearing and we're certain he's the culprit. But we don't know how he does it.

James: What does he look like?

Felix motions to a staircase where Pa Gorg is descending. He makes his way over to a nearby card table where Bert is seated shuffling a deck.

Felix: See that man with the pointed yellow head? Goldfinger has been winning fortunes of money off him every day for the past week.

Goldfinger takes his seat with Bert who deals out the cards.

As James watches his sharp spy's eye observes a small earphone concealed inside Goldfinger's ear and above the glint of what seems to be a pair of binoculars from an apartment window overhead.

James: I shall begin investigating Mr. Goldfinger straight away Felix.

Felix departs and Bond goes up the stairs towards the apartments.
He meets another lady whatnot in a maid's outfit takes her key and unlocks the door.

Maid: But that's Mr. Goldfinger's suite.

James: Yeah. Doesn't he have impeccable taste? (throws the key back at her)

Somebody is sitting at the window watching the card game and speaking into a microphone.

To be continued.

 

[MartyMuppets]

James wanders over and switches the microphone off. The person turns around to reveal Jill Masterson played by Annie Sue.

Jill: Who are you?

James: Bond. James Bond. What were you doing?

Jill: Mr. Goldfinger pays me well to help him cheat at cards.

James: What's your name?

Jill: Jill Masterson.

James: A nice looking pig like you shouldn't be involved in anything like this Jill. Let me handle this.

James flicks the mike back on and speaks sharply to Goldfinger who has been subtly testing the connection.

James: Attention Goldfinger. Your streak of good luck is over. It's time to start losing big time. How about $25 thousand? No let's be generous. Make it $40 thousand.

Jill takes a look through the binoculars as Bert places down his cards.

Bert: (gives his trademark laugh) I knew my luck was bound to change. Gin.

Goldfinger scowls in rage and writes out a check for Bert. Getting up to leave he throws the pen into the nearby rubbish bin.

James: That will keep him out of our way for awhile.

Jill: I like your style Mr. Bond.

James: Call me James.

They fall into each others arms and kiss.

Stay tuned.

 

[MartyMuppets]

Later James and Jill are lying on top of a bed cuddling and kissing. As James reaches down to pick up a bottle out of a cooler he realizes that all the ice has melted.

James: Excuse me Jill. It's lost its chill.

Jill: (As he gets up and goes to the refrigerator) Why should it matter James?

James: My dear piggy. There are some things that just shouldn't be done. Such as drinking Dr. Pepper above the correct temperature. That doesn't make any sense at all. It's as illogical as eating a rubber tire to the music of the Flight of the Bumblebee when the volume is too low.

While James is looking in the fridge, a mysterious huge shadow (Big Mean Carl) dressed in a big top hat appears on the wall. Jill screams.

Jill: Aaaaaaahhhhhhh!

James: Jill!

He runs to help her and is slammed into the wall by a huge green, furry arm. As he struggles to stay conscious, sliding down the wall, Jill screams again to be cut off by eating noises offscreen.

Aaam-yuhm-yuhm-yuhm-yuhm-yuhm. Blearrrgh. Thank you.

James collapses and passes out.

Hours later he comes to and gets groggily to his feet, rubbing his head.
He picks up the telephone.

James: Felix. I need to speak to you right away.

Felix: What's happened?

James: A lady pig's dead.

Felix: What?

James: Jill Masterson. I saw her eaten alive. And before being devoured she was smeared heavily with a buttery sauce. A golden yellow buttery sauce.

More to come.

 

[MartyMuppets]

Scene: M's office. (Kermit is at his desk)

M: 007 I don't want you getting any ideas about a personal vendetta. You were supposed to check out Goldfinger. Not spend your time with that poor lady. If you cannot carry out this mission objectively I'll assign this case to 008 instead.

James: If you say so sir. But I want to know exactly what my mission is before I agree to carry it out as you want me to.

M: (briefly scrunches his face) Very well 007. Come to dinner with me tonight at 8 and you'll be informed.

James: Okay sir.

James goes outside and speaks to Moneypenny (Prairie Dawn)

Moneypenny: Hello James: Would you like to have dinner with me tonight?

James: I'd love to Moneypenny. But unfortunately I have another appointment.

Moneypenny: Oh dear. So I miss my chance again. Sigh. Who's the lucky dame this time James?

M's voice over the intercom: The lucky dame is me, Miss Moneypenny. Kindly cut the usual chit-chat with 007. I don't want him to be late for our meal.

Moneypenny: So there's hope for me yet.

James gives a coy smile and a nod of his head and exits. Moneypenny gazing whistfully at him.

More to come.

 

[MartyMuppets]

Scene: Q's laboratory.

Q (Bunsen) and his assistant Beaker are tinkering with an Aston Marty car when James enters.

Q: Ah 007. You are all ready for your mission, are you?

James: Yes. M has filled me in on the details over our recent meal. Can't say I enjoyed the food much though. Roast chicken definitely doesn't appeal to my tastes. Most of the best ladies I've ever dated have been chickens. Anyway Goldfinger is one heck of a suspicious dude and I've promised to keep my beady eyes upon whatever he gets up to.

(He motions to the Aston Marty) So this is my special car.

Q: That's right. My assistant and I will demonstrate the devices.

Beaker comes over to stand by Bunsen.

Q: Notice all the special accessories. There's a radar built into the dashboard, guns that shoot ink-pellets inside the headlights and all the other defensive weaponry. Here are two other tracking devices. This one so small it can be concealed inside your big long nose.

James: That sounds so cute Q.

Q: The bigger one can be hidden under the boot of a car so you can track it on the dashboard. If your friends need to track where you are, they can tune in to the one up your nose.

James: I'm excited about this.

Q instructs his assistant to sit in the passenger seat. Beaker hesitates but obediently does so meeping softly.

Q: One final thing 007. Suppose you are driving along and somehow you pick up somebody you don't really seem to like much sitting beside you where my assistant is now. If so don't press it now, but in such a case just press this concealed button in the top of the gear stick.

James: What will that do?

Q: The passenger will be sucked down through the seat and spat out through the exhaust pipe.

James: What? You're joking?

Before Q can say anything James has lunged forward and pressed the button in sheer disbelief.
Beaker screams then disappears from sight and is forced through the exhaust flying into the wall with a crash.

Q: (turning to an awestruck James) I never joke about my work 007.

To be continued.

 

[MartyMuppets]

Scene at the Golf Club Reception.

James is a-waiting Goldfinger's arrival to challenge him to a game. The Muppet Newsman is at the main desk speaking with him. Suddenly Goldfinger enters.

Newsman: Ah Mr. Goldfinger. This man will be playing with you. Mr. Bond.

Goldfinger's eyes momentarily pop out in recognition. Bond merely smiles.

James: Delighted to meet you Goldfinger.

Goldfinger: Likewise Mr. ah Bond. Shall we begin?

James: Yes my caddy is just getting my golf clubs and balls ready. Here he is now.

Boober Fraggle emerges from a nearby storeroom. Bond's golf bag slung over his shoulder.

Caddy: Okay Mr. Bond. Let's go.

Goldfinger, James and the caddy all walk off to the greens where they meet Big Mean Carl in a top hat and tuxedo carrying another golfer's bag.

Goldfinger: You must pardon Oddjob Mr. Bond. He is my loyal manservant but for the most part he's mute. About the only thing he knows how to say much is Thank you after he finishes eating.

Oddjob stares heavily at Bond.

James: I understand.

Goldfinger: Well shall we get our game underway?

Next to come: The Golf Tournament.

 

[MartyMuppets]

The golf game has been going on but for a few moments.

Goldfinger: (aside to Bond) What is your real game Mr. Bond?

James: Hmm?

Goldfinger: You didn't come here simply to play golf.

James: (pulling a gold bar out of his pocket) You're right. I don't just want to play golf. I'm a gambling man. How about a wager Goldfinger?

Goldfinger: (eyes glinting brightly at the sight of the gold bar) Yes Mr. Bond. I accept your wager. If I win I get that beautiful golden bar. If you win I'll give you a check for the equivalent of its worth in cash.

James: Okay you're on.

So they continue to play. After awhile Goldfinger seems to lose his ball. As he searches for it Oddjob slips a ball out of his trouser leg and calls his master over with a big gloating laugh.

Goldfinger: Very good Oddjob. You're turning out to be a very good caddy.

Boober: (muttering to James) If that's the ball the big cheat originally had, I'm a Doozer.

James: I know it isn't.

Boober: What? How?

James: I'm standing on it.

He stoops and picks it up while Goldfinger and Oddjob are not looking at them.

Boober: Why you crafty devil. Let's accuse him of his trickery.

James: No wait. I've a better idea. Let's really make a fool out of old Goldfinger.

More to come.

 

[MartyMuppets]

As the game progresses Bond seizes his chance when Goldfinger puts the ball in the next to last hole. He is standing nearby the hole and says allow him to pass Goldfinger's ball to him. He conceals something inside his hand, dips it into and out of the hole, leaving Goldfinger's real ball in it and giving him the other thing instead.

Boober: (quietly to James) Did you do it sir?

James: Yes.

Boober: So we've got him all set up.

James: Unless he realizes the substitution.

Goldfinger carries on playing the final hole. At one point he bends over to check the ball, but he merely places it more accurately on the tee. At the end of the game Bond deliberately misses his shot. Goldfinger knocks his in.

Goldfinger: The gold is mine Mr. Bond.

James: (scooping out the ball) It certainly is. Congratulations Goldf... Oh I say this is interesting.

Goldfinger: What?

James: This is a jawbreaker Goldfinger. It must have been lying around the green somewhere and you mistook it for your ball.

Goldfinger takes the jawbreaker in his hand astonished.

James: The rules of golf are that you must play with a proper golfball. So I'm afraid you have lost the game and our little wager after all.

Goldfinger throws the jawbreaker to the ground and storms off with Oddjob, thrusting his club into his servant's hand. Oddjob glares at Bond over his shoulder while eating the club in response.

Boober chuckles and congratulates Bond.

I'll be back with more.

 

[MartyMuppets]

Sorry it's been awhile since I last posted. But here goes.

Shortly afterwards Goldfinger has written out a check for Bond. Then while Oddjob packs his master's remaining golf gear, which he hasn't eaten, in the boot of the limousine, Bond manages to sneakily attach the big tracking device underneath the boot area.

Goldfinger (appearing to leave) You are clever Mr. Bond. But perhaps too clever for your own good. This is the second time you've entered my life. For your sake you'd better leave it at that. I'd have thought what happened after the first occasion would have given you enough warning.

James: Oh are you worried I might cause you to lose even more of your wealth, eh?

Goldfinger: You really are very foolish Mr. Bond. I shall give you one more warning. Oddjob!

Oddjob snaps to attention and approaches his master. Goldfinger points to his top hat, then to a statue in the grounds.

Goldfinger: Observe Mr. Bond what sort of fate has befallen many others who have annoyed me.

Oddjob takes off his hat and throws it at the statue. As soon as he sends it flying, he runs after it. The hat slices off the statue's head and as it falls Oddjob catches it and eats it.

Picking up his hat Oddjob bows and says "Thank you"

James: What will the owner of the club say to that?

Goldfinger: I am the owner Mr. Bond.

Goldfinger climbs into the limo. As Oddjob gets into the driver's seat James tosses him a golf ball.

James: Oh I believe I happened to come across your master's lost golf ball.

Oddjob catches and eats it before driving off.

James climbs into his Aston Marty and tunes into the tracker's receiver. He's ready to tail Goldfinger to his headquarters.

More to come sometime soon.