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I wrote this and shared it on the forums in bits and pieces years ago back when I was known as Bill Bubble Guy. Now I'm re-posting it all in one having fully revised and polished it up. Special credit goes to Gorgon Heap for his help in editing.
IT'S THE MUPPET SHOW WITH OUR SPECIAL GUEST STAR MR. HARRY SECOMBE Season one style
Fozzie's joke: Can all of you jump higher than Mt.Everest? Yes of course. Have you ever heard of Mt.Everest jumping?
Curtain opens to reveal Harry and Piggy embracing each other on a park bench during a snowy scene. Gonzo swings at the O, Piggy pops up, gets hit on the snout and karate chops Gonzo sending him flying up out of sight.
OPENING
Kermit: Greetings to you all and welcome to our show. Our guest tonight is the great Welsh singer Mr. Harry Secombe, and I'm sure you're going to enjoy his magnificent voice. But before you get to hear him sing here is The Great Gonzo to perform a rendition of an old rock and roll favourite with some very special co-stars. YAAAY!
OPENING NUMBER: 7 LITTLE GIRLS SITTING IN THE BACK SEAT
Gonzo is driving an old-fashioned car with the scenery slowly moving along like on a thread to suggest movement. T.R. the Rooster is in the back with 7 hens.
Hens: Buck Buck Buck etc. similar to the do do do of the original lyrics.
Gonzo(singing) :7 little girls sitting in the back seat hugging and a kissing with Fred.
I said why don't one of you come up and sit beside me and this is what the 7 girls said,
One hen: Altogether now 1 2 3 (all) Keep your mind on your driving and your hands on the wheel and keep your snoopy eyes on the road ahead.
We're having fun sitting in the back seat kissing and a hugging with Fred.
Buck Buck etc.
Gonzo: Drove through the town. Drove through the country showed them how a motor could go.
I said how d'ya like my triple carburetta and one of them answered low.
One hen: Altogether now 1 2 3 (all) Keep your mind on your driving and your hands on the wheel and keep your snoopy eyes on the road ahead.
We're having fun sitting in the back seat kissing and a hugging with Fred.
Buck Buck etc.
Gonzo: 7 little girls smooching in the back seat every one in love with Fred.
I said you don't need me. I'll get off at my house and this is what the 7 girls said.
One hen: Altogether now 1 2 3 (all) Keep your mind on your driving and your hands on the wheel and keep your snoopy eyes on the road ahead.
We're having fun sitting in the back seat kissing and a hugging with Fred.
Gonzo: All of them in love with Fred.
Buck
Gonzo: Kissing and a hugging with Fred.
Buck
Gonzo: Wish that I could be like Fred.
Buck
Waldorf: Tell me Statler. Would you like to be like Fred?
Statler: No Waldorf. I'm a fred not.
(They laugh together)
BACKSTAGE
Kermit: (to T.R. and the hens) Perfect opening number, chickens. Well done.
(sees Gonzo looking a little downcast) Ah cheer up Gonzo. You sang very well in that number.
Gonzo: I know Kermit. But I just can't handle rejection. What has Fred got that I haven't got?
Kermit: Well Gonzo, the two of you are indeed very different. In the first place you're not even a rooster.
Gonzo: Well, if you want to dither about a minor technical detail...
Kermit: Then there's the crow. Hens are attracted when roosters crow.
Gonzo: Hey, I can crow just as well myself.
Kermit: Do you really think you can Gonzo?
Gonzo: Of course Kermit. Just listen to me. (takes a deep breath then cries out croakily)
Cawk-a-doo-doo-dle-dooie!
(repeats it twice then Beautiful Day Monster runs up from behind with a club and knocks him unconscious to the floor)
Beautiful Day Monster: I just had to put the poor thing out of its misery.
(Beautiful Day Monster runs off before Kermit can say anything)
(Harry Secombe appears walking down the stairs from the dressing rooms)
Kermit: Hello Harry.
Harry Secombe: Hello Kermit. I'm so very thrilled to be on your show tonight.
Kermit: And we're all so pleased you could join us Harry.
Harry Secombe: Have you got my back-up singers for "Moon River"?
Kermit: Oh yes. Hey everybody. Come and meet Mr. Secombe.
(5 or 6 cows surround Harry moo-ing at him.
Harry Secombe: (smiling broadly towards the camera) I really should have been expecting this. (He laughs as the cows all start to moo again in response)
TALKING HOUSES
House 1: My son is in law enforcement.
House 2: He's a policeman?
House 1: No, he's a prison.
HARRY'S FIRST NUMBER
Kermit: And now ladies and gentlemen. It is my honour to present our guest star Mr. Harry Secombe to entertain you tonight with his melodious vocal talents.
(curtain opens revealing Harry standing in a cow pasture with a river nearby and a big, shiny full moon against a black background to suggest evening time. Harry sings while all the cows moo in harmony to the melody)
Moon river.
Wider than a mile.
I'm crossing you in style someday.
Dream maker.
You old heartbreaker.
Wherever you're going I'm going your way.
Moon drifter.
Off to see the world.
There's such a lot of world to see.
We're after the same rainbow's end
waiting round the bend. My huckleberry friend.
Moon river and me.
(the cows all gather around Harry during the musical interlude while he smiles broadly)
(Harry resumes singing) We're after the same rainbow's end
waiting round the bend. My huckleberry friend (cows join in here) Mooooooo-n river and
meeee! (he raises his arms at this part and the cows all raise their heads in one last big moo together. Harry pats their heads during the applause)
Waldorf: Weren't those cows annoying?
Statler: They were pathetic. Made me sick.
(2 bulls suddenly appear, snorting and making angry threatening noises)
Waldorf: Uh, weren't those cows delightful?
Statler: Oh yeah, wonderful! Made me glad.
(the bulls give one final snort like a warning and exit, leaving Statler and Waldorf trembling in their seats)
MUPPET LABS
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: Welcome to Muppet Labs where the future is being made today. And I have some wonderfully good news for people who suffer from extreme hair loss such as myself. I'm really tickled pink about this. (holds up a bottle) Muppet Labs patent new hair restorer lotion. Watch how I demonstrate what it will be able to do for all you fellow baldies of mine. (he opens the lid and rubs some of it into his head) The effect is instantaneous. (hair starts to grow on him and continues to grow while he's talking) Now you will never have to fear the curse of losing your hair. Our new hair restorer works wonders to replenish your crop of beautiful hair to retain your handsome appeal to ladies. It is good. (realizes hair on his fingers) Uh maybe a bit too good. I think there are a few bugs to be worked out. (by this time hair completely covers his face and hands and a what-not dogcatcher appears and nets him)
Dogcatcher: Come on pooch. I'm taking you to the pound.
Bunsen: No. You don't understand. Ugh. (he is dragged offstage)
BACKSTAGE
Harry Secombe: Kermit, I am so enjoying myself tonight. Who am I to perform with next?
Kermit: Miss Piggy Harry.
Harry Secombe: Miss Piggy? That's great! I have always highly admired her.
Kermit: Well that's lovely. Why don't you go meet her in her dressing room and get in some rehearsal?
Harry Secombe: Yes. I sure will.
(after Harry leaves George the Janitor appears)
George: Kermit. I have a big complaint to make.
Kermit: What is it George?
George: I am getting sick and tired of having to constantly clean up the mess that the monsters are always making in the canteen. It has got to stop.
Kermit: Okay George. I promise to do something. (notices Sweetums nearby) Oh hey Sweetums. I want to speak to you.
Sweetums: Yes Kermit.
Kermit: Listen Sweetums. George here is very unhappy about all the monsters making messes in the canteen.
Sweetums: I'm sorry Kermit. But it's a monster's nature to be messy.
Kermit: Nevertheless Sweetums, they are going to have to learn to change their habits. (notices a what-not appearing in the background) Hey Charlie. Can you come here please?
Charlie: Yes Mr.Frog?
Kermit: Charlie I'd like you to go with Sweetums and give the other monsters instructions in good, clean, tidy habits. They've been messing up the canteen and causing poor George here extra work. I'll pay you for your troubles.
Charlie: Okay Mr.Frog. I'll do it.
Kermit: Thank you. You'll be sure to help Charlie with his task, won't you Sweetums?
Sweetums: Very well Kermit. But I'm telling you it's all just going to be a waste of time. (He and Charlie head off)
Kermit: There, are you happy, George?
George: Yeah. But it had better work or else I'll never clean up after those monsters again.
Kermit: Well maybe they'll start eating up their own mess along with the rest of their meals.
George: That sounds promising. They should have enough appetite between them for that.
SONG-I DREAM OF JEANNIE WITH THE LIGHT BROWN HAIR
A what-not man rubs a lamp on a table in a nice living-room setting. A beautiful light brown-haired female genie appears in a puff of smoke. She giggles and simpers while the man sings to her.
I dream of Jeannie with the light brown hair
Born like a vapour on the summer air.
I see her tripping where the bright streams play.
Happy as the daisies that dance on her way.
Many were the wild notes her merry voice would call.
Many were the blithe birds that warbled them all.
I dream of Jeannie with the light brown hair
Floating like a vapour on the soft summer air.
I long for Jeannie with the daydawn smile
Radient with gladness, warm with winning guile.
I hear her melodies, like joys gone by
Sighing round my heart o'er the fond hopes that die.
Sighing like the night wind and sobbing like the rain.
Wailing for the lost one that comes not again.
I dream of Jeannie with the light brown hair
Floating like a vapour on the soft summer air.
Jeannie: What is your command master?
Man: I would like a table booking for two at the most luxurious restaurant plus two tickets to the new blockbuster film at the cinema please.
Jeannie: Your wish is my command. (snaps her fingers and tickets and table booking appear in his hand in another puff of smoke)
Man: (turns and calls out) Mabel. I have them.
Mabel: (appears and embraces him) Oh how wonderful Herman. Let's go.
Herman: Thank you Jeannie. (they go off arm-in-arm)
(Jeannie watches open-mouthed, throws herself face down onto the table and starts to cry bitterly)
Waldorf: You know, I really feel sorry for poor Jeannie.
Statler: I should have offered to go with her instead. Then I'd have gotten out of this theater.
(Statler sulks while Waldorf stares incredulously at him then turns to the camera)
HARRY'S SECOND NUMBER-DUET WITH PIGGY
(Harry and Piggy are seated on a park bench during a snow scene with a large snowman next to them. They embrace each other as they sing Somewhere my Love)
Piggy: Somewhere my love.
There will be songs to sing.
Although the snow
Covers the hope of spring.
Harry Secombe: Somewhere a hill
Blossoms in green and gold.
And there are dreams
All that your heart can hold.
Harry Secombe and Piggy: Someday we'll meet again my love.
Someday whenever the spring breaks through.
Piggy: You'll come to me out of the long ago.
Harry Secombe: Warm as the wind, soft as the kiss of snow.
Piggy: Till then my sweet
Think of me now and then.
Harry Secombe: God speed my love till you are mine again
Harry Secombe and Piggy: Till you are mine again.
(they cuddle affectionately at the end of the number and to their surprise the Snowman lifts his top hat and waves cheerily. They all laugh happily together)
BACKSTAGE
(Kermit and George address Sweetums)
Kermit: Sweetums. George and I would like to know if the monsters are starting to be more tidy.
Sweetums: Actually yes Kermit. They have changed their ways and they promise to never leave the canteen in such a sorry state again.
George: Oh that makes me so very happy.
Kermit: So Charlie really convinced them eh?
Sweetums: He sure did. All my fellow monsters ate a meal under his supervision very nicely and then they cleaned up after themselves when they had him for dessert.
(Sweetums leaves as Kermit reacts in shock. George simply turns his face to the camera with a dead-pan expression)
TALK SPOT
Sam the Eagle: Mr. Secombe. I want to express my absolute joy at having you on the show tonight.
Harry Secombe: Thank you Sam. It's a privilege.
Sam: You have the most remarkable voice and I love to hear you sing the classic songs from opera and great musicals.
Harry Secombe: That's very kind of you.
(Fozzie suddenly appears)
Fozzie: Hey Harry. You're my hero too.
Sam: Er. Excuse me bear. This is my talk spot with Mr. Secombe.
Harry Secombe: No. It's all right. I always have time for my fans. Fozzie, I'm honoured to be admired by a comedian like you.
Fozzie: Yeah. You were one of the key inspirations to me becoming interested in comedy. Your comedian talents were so hilarious.
Harry Secombe: That's true. I was a comedian as well as a singer. On the Goon Radio Show. I'm very pleased you remember those days of my past.
Sam: Well that's very good, but I was starting to say...
Fozzie: (cutting Sam off) One of my favourite gags that you did was speaking about how you were swimming ashore from one point to another.
Harry Secombe: Ah yes. I recall that. As I swam ashore I dried myself to save time. (Harry and Fozzie both start to laugh)
Sam: Uh. May we get back to the subject of your singing? My favourite...
Harry Secombe: (cutting Sam off) Remember this line of mine Fozzie? When someone asked me if these two seats were taken. You know what I replied?
Fozzie: Oh yeah. You said No. They're still here! Wocka-wocka! (they laugh some more)
Sam: This is not the way I planned our chat time to go at all.
Harry Secombe: (ignoring Sam) And my favourite one of all Fozzie. Have you any ink?
Fozzie: (on cue with the line) Right. Here's a fresh bottle aaah.
Harry Secombe: (makes out he's drinking with his hand to his mouth and his head tilted back) GULP!
Aaaah. Gad. Was I thirsty.
(Sam gives up and goes offstage in disgust while Fozzie and Harry laugh so heartily neither one of them notices Sam leave)
Waldorf: Have you ever drank ink?
Statler: I would only drink it chilled. Semi-frozen like iced tea.
Waldorf: Really?
Statler: Yeah. But I would always need a bath badly afterwards.
Waldorf: Oh how come?
Statler: Well you know. Iced ink.
(Waldorf gets the pun and they laugh together)
VET'S HOSPITAL
And now Veterinarian's Hospital. The continuing story of a former orthopedic surgeon who's gone to the dogs.
(As the narrator's voice is heard Piggy, Janice and Dr. Bob are all seen huddled around a small table in the left-hand corner playing cards. When they realize the sketch is starting they quickly stop their game. Dr. Bob actually throws his cards up in the air and they move over to the operating table. The patient is completely covered)
Dr. Bob: Okay. What is the matter with this patient?
Janice: We don't know Dr. Bob.
Dr. Bob: What do you mean you don't know?
Piggy: Well just listen to him for yourself.
(Dr. Bob pulls up the sheet to reveal the Swedish Chef who starts talking. No-one can understand him.)
Dr. Bob: I don't have any idea what he's saying. Where does he come from?
Janice: He comes from Sweden Dr. Bob.
Dr. Bob: Sweden! What on earth is a patient from Sweden doing with us?
Piggy: We had him sent here by foreign exchange. Our english-speaking patient went to Sweden.
Dr. Bob: This annoying foreign exchange program is wearing me out.
Janice: You mean your patience's running out Dr. Bob?
Dr. Bob: No of course not. He's still lying on the table here.
Piggy: Well, what are you going to do Dr. Bob?
Dr. Bob: I want you to boil some hot water immediately. And get some sugar cubes too.
Janice: Hot water? Sugar cubes? How's that supposed to help the patient?
Dr. Bob: It's not for him. It's for me. I need a cup of tea to calm myself down.
Piggy: But what can we do for him? (pointing to Chef)
Dr. Bob: I have no idea. But maybe we can cheer him up if we give him a new pair of blue shoes.
Piggy: Blue shoes?
Dr. Bob: Yes. But be careful not to step on them.
Janice: Hoo boy.
Piggy, Janice and Dr. Bob together: Don't you step on my blue swede shoes! (they all laugh)
And so Dr.Bob has fallen into the culture gap. Tune in next week when we'll hear the patient say:
(Chef rattles off some more of his Swedish talk)
Dr. Bob: If any of you watching at home know what he's saying, please write in and let us know.
MUPPET NEWSFLASH
Here is a Muppet Newsflash.
Special report from Canada. Farmer James G. Giles has invented a new remarkable fertiliser that enables him to grow giant vegetables 10 feet high. Our cameras have contact with Farmer Giles now.
(Harry Secombe appears on the news screen as Farmer Giles)
Newsman: Farmer Giles. This is an exciting breakthrough for food production.
Harry Secombe: Ooh-ar yes. With my new fertiliser mixture the problem of poor people going hungry will be immensely reduced. There'll be plenty of veggies to go around.
Newsman: Have you grown anything so far?
Harry Secombe: Yes. Lettuce, carrots and pumpkins.
Newsman: May we see footage of some of them please?
Harry Secombe: Aaar. Unfortunately I was careless and some rabbits got into the special fertiliser and they grew into giants and devastated my first crop. I am sorry.
Newsman: Are you just pulling some sort of elaborate fancy jest?
(He suddenly gets trampled by a pair of extremely huge rabbit legs running across the newsroom set)
BACKSTAGE
Harry Secombe: Kermit. This show is one of the best experiences I have ever had in all my career. I loved the part I just played in that Muppet Newsflash.
Kermit: That's good Harry. I just hope the Newsman wasn't too badly hurt when those giant rabbits ran over him.
Harry Secombe: It's okay Kermit. He'll be fine. He may have a teeny little scar on his bottom lip where a rabbit's foot scratched him. But his injuries aren't too bad on the whole.
Kermit: A scratch on the lip you say?
Harry Secombe: Yes. He sustained a hare lip.
(Hilda appears with Charlie)
Hilda: Kermit. Charlie wants to speak to you.
Charlie: Yes, Mr.Frog, I feel very lousy after what happened in the canteen.
Kermit: Poor Charlie, I heard about it, and on behalf of the monsters, I want to apologize.
Charlie: I should hope so. I've heard of being down in the mouth, but down in SEVERAL?
Harry Secombe: You poor fellow. You must have felt all torn up and...
Charlie: (cutting Harry off) Please don't say all torn up!
Harry Secombe: Oh excuse me.
Kermit: Here Charlie. Have some extra pay for compensation.
(Charlie pockets the money just as Sweetums appears halfway down the stairs)
Sweetums: Hey Charlie. The gang were all wondering if you'd join us for a drink?
(Charlie races out the backstage exit screaming)
Sweetums: Uh well. How would you like to join us Mr. Secombe?
Harry Secombe: (nervously) Oh that's kind of you but um. (places his arm around Hilda)
This lady and I have a booking for a restaurant. Haven't we Hilda?
Hilda: Oh yes Harry. That's right.
Harry Secombe: Maybe some other time.
Sweetums: Okay. (he goes back up the stairs)
(Harry and Hilda speak quietly)
Harry Secombe: Thank you Hilda. We must always look out for each other in situations like this, mustn't we?
Hilda: Yes Harry. Safety in numbers.
(as they go off together Kermit looks to the camera)
Kermit: I'd be getting gray hairs by now if I wasn't naturally bald.
WAYNE AND WANDA
Sam: And now, here are the two greatest singers I have ever known. Wayne and Wanda.
(curtain opens revealing Wayne and Wanda on a balcony together. Wayne takes Wanda's hand)
Wayne: Take my hand. I'm a stranger in paradise.
(suddenly a what not woman races onto the balcony and starts beating Wayne with an umbrella while a what not man follows and seizes Wanda by the ear)
Man: How many times have your mother and I told you since you were a little girl Wanda?
DON'T EVER SPEAK TO STRANGERS!
(they drag poor Wanda off stage leaving Wayne dazed and confused) (curtain closes on Wayne. Kermit enters)
FOZZIE BEAR Kermit: Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, Fozzie Bear is going to try something a little different. Instead of his usual monologue he will perform comedic style mimery in tribute to one of the greatest silent movie comedians of all time.
Statler: Well, that'll be an improvement upon his act. He won't be speaking.
Waldorf: Yeah. At least we'll only have to put up with seeing him. (they laugh together)
Kermit: So here he is, Mr.Fozzie Bear.
(curtain opens revealing Fozzie dressed up as Charlie Chaplin swaggering around with a derby hat, cane and false moustache. While he's performing, suddenly a muppet bearing a striking resemblance to Mr. Chaplin comes onstage)
Chaplin Muppet: (angrily) How dare you use my image and my style without permission? I won't stand for this and neither will my friends.
(Before Fozzie knows it muppets in the likenesses of Buster Keaton, Harold Lloyd, Stan Laurel and Oliver Hardy appear and start hitting him with cream pies, honking horns in his ears and squirting water through their lapels while Statler and Waldorf are cheering them on. Finally he runs offstage chased by all of them)
BACKSTAGE
(Fozzie runs past Kermit with the silent movie stars in pursuit. Kermit just sighs and speaks into the intercom)
Kermit: Harry, Rowlf and back-up singers stand by for the closing number. (Harry, Rowlf and two pigs head onstage. George appears followed unknowingly by Sweetums)
Sweetums: Hey Kermit. I have to tell you that since Charlie refuses to socialize with us anymore all the monsters have reverted back to their messy ways.
Kermit: But Sweetums, they were so rough on poor Charlie. That's why he doesn't want to have anything more to do with them.
Sweetums: Sorry Kermit. But I told you it was a waste of time.
(Sweetums leaves)
George: (to Kermit) I guess I'd better just keep cleaning up after them. Better than feeling all torn up and down in SEVERAL mouths.
Kermit: Sheesh! (heads onstage)
CLOSING NUMBER
Kermit: And now once again, here's Mr. Harry Secombe. Yaay!
(curtain opens. Rowlf is playing piano in the background while Harry and the two pigs, one on his right, the other on his left, each throw a coin into a fountain. Then they sing together in perfect unison, "Three Coins in the Fountain")
Harry Secombe and Pigs: Three coins in the fountain
Each one seeking happiness.
Thrown by three hopeful lovers
Which one will the fountain bless?
Three hearts in the fountain
Each heart longing for its home.
There they lie in the fountain
Somewhere in the heart of Rome.
Which one will the fountain bless?
Which one will the fountain bless?
Three coins in the fountain
Through the ripples how they shine.
Just one wish will be granted.
One heart will wear a valentine.
Pig on left: Make it mine.
Pig on right: Make it mine.
Harry Secombe: Make it mine. (he holds the note with great feeling while Rowlf concludes the musical accompaniment)
(then a girl with a veil concealing her face comes onstage, approaching Harry, embracing him. But when he bends down and lifts the veil he does a double take. The girl turns around revealing herself to be Boppity in a golden wig and dress)
CONCLUSION
Kermit: Once again the time has come to say good-bye. Let's not forget to show our appreciation to our special guest star, Mr. Harry Secombe! Yaaay!
(Harry comes onstage waving and smiling)
Harry Secombe: Thanks Kermit. I have so enjoyed my time with you tonight. I only have one complaint.
Kermit: What's that Harry?
(Boppity comes onstage still dressed up like a girl and embraces Harry again)
Harry Secombe: I want the coin I threw in the fountain refunded. (he starts to laugh)
Kermit: We'll see you next time on the Muppet Show.
(the cows from Harry's first number, Miss Piggy from his second number and Rowlf and the two pigs from his closing number all crowd around him as the closing credits start to run. Even the giant Snowman sticks his arm and face out through the curtains waving.)
Statler and Waldorf closing gag:
Statler: Waldorf, if I pay you twenty bucks, will you take my ticket for next week's show and give it to somebody else?
Waldorf: Sorry but no. I wouldn't wish such a fate on my worst enemy.
Statler: Shucks.
IT'S THE MUPPET SHOW WITH OUR SPECIAL GUEST STAR MR. HARRY SECOMBE Season one style
Fozzie's joke: Can all of you jump higher than Mt.Everest? Yes of course. Have you ever heard of Mt.Everest jumping?
Curtain opens to reveal Harry and Piggy embracing each other on a park bench during a snowy scene. Gonzo swings at the O, Piggy pops up, gets hit on the snout and karate chops Gonzo sending him flying up out of sight.
OPENING
Kermit: Greetings to you all and welcome to our show. Our guest tonight is the great Welsh singer Mr. Harry Secombe, and I'm sure you're going to enjoy his magnificent voice. But before you get to hear him sing here is The Great Gonzo to perform a rendition of an old rock and roll favourite with some very special co-stars. YAAAY!
OPENING NUMBER: 7 LITTLE GIRLS SITTING IN THE BACK SEAT
Gonzo is driving an old-fashioned car with the scenery slowly moving along like on a thread to suggest movement. T.R. the Rooster is in the back with 7 hens.
Hens: Buck Buck Buck etc. similar to the do do do of the original lyrics.
Gonzo(singing) :7 little girls sitting in the back seat hugging and a kissing with Fred.
I said why don't one of you come up and sit beside me and this is what the 7 girls said,
One hen: Altogether now 1 2 3 (all) Keep your mind on your driving and your hands on the wheel and keep your snoopy eyes on the road ahead.
We're having fun sitting in the back seat kissing and a hugging with Fred.
Buck Buck etc.
Gonzo: Drove through the town. Drove through the country showed them how a motor could go.
I said how d'ya like my triple carburetta and one of them answered low.
One hen: Altogether now 1 2 3 (all) Keep your mind on your driving and your hands on the wheel and keep your snoopy eyes on the road ahead.
We're having fun sitting in the back seat kissing and a hugging with Fred.
Buck Buck etc.
Gonzo: 7 little girls smooching in the back seat every one in love with Fred.
I said you don't need me. I'll get off at my house and this is what the 7 girls said.
One hen: Altogether now 1 2 3 (all) Keep your mind on your driving and your hands on the wheel and keep your snoopy eyes on the road ahead.
We're having fun sitting in the back seat kissing and a hugging with Fred.
Gonzo: All of them in love with Fred.
Buck
Gonzo: Kissing and a hugging with Fred.
Buck
Gonzo: Wish that I could be like Fred.
Buck
Waldorf: Tell me Statler. Would you like to be like Fred?
Statler: No Waldorf. I'm a fred not.
(They laugh together)
BACKSTAGE
Kermit: (to T.R. and the hens) Perfect opening number, chickens. Well done.
(sees Gonzo looking a little downcast) Ah cheer up Gonzo. You sang very well in that number.
Gonzo: I know Kermit. But I just can't handle rejection. What has Fred got that I haven't got?
Kermit: Well Gonzo, the two of you are indeed very different. In the first place you're not even a rooster.
Gonzo: Well, if you want to dither about a minor technical detail...
Kermit: Then there's the crow. Hens are attracted when roosters crow.
Gonzo: Hey, I can crow just as well myself.
Kermit: Do you really think you can Gonzo?
Gonzo: Of course Kermit. Just listen to me. (takes a deep breath then cries out croakily)
Cawk-a-doo-doo-dle-dooie!
(repeats it twice then Beautiful Day Monster runs up from behind with a club and knocks him unconscious to the floor)
Beautiful Day Monster: I just had to put the poor thing out of its misery.
(Beautiful Day Monster runs off before Kermit can say anything)
(Harry Secombe appears walking down the stairs from the dressing rooms)
Kermit: Hello Harry.
Harry Secombe: Hello Kermit. I'm so very thrilled to be on your show tonight.
Kermit: And we're all so pleased you could join us Harry.
Harry Secombe: Have you got my back-up singers for "Moon River"?
Kermit: Oh yes. Hey everybody. Come and meet Mr. Secombe.
(5 or 6 cows surround Harry moo-ing at him.
Harry Secombe: (smiling broadly towards the camera) I really should have been expecting this. (He laughs as the cows all start to moo again in response)
TALKING HOUSES
House 1: My son is in law enforcement.
House 2: He's a policeman?
House 1: No, he's a prison.
HARRY'S FIRST NUMBER
Kermit: And now ladies and gentlemen. It is my honour to present our guest star Mr. Harry Secombe to entertain you tonight with his melodious vocal talents.
(curtain opens revealing Harry standing in a cow pasture with a river nearby and a big, shiny full moon against a black background to suggest evening time. Harry sings while all the cows moo in harmony to the melody)
Moon river.
Wider than a mile.
I'm crossing you in style someday.
Dream maker.
You old heartbreaker.
Wherever you're going I'm going your way.
Moon drifter.
Off to see the world.
There's such a lot of world to see.
We're after the same rainbow's end
waiting round the bend. My huckleberry friend.
Moon river and me.
(the cows all gather around Harry during the musical interlude while he smiles broadly)
(Harry resumes singing) We're after the same rainbow's end
waiting round the bend. My huckleberry friend (cows join in here) Mooooooo-n river and
meeee! (he raises his arms at this part and the cows all raise their heads in one last big moo together. Harry pats their heads during the applause)
Waldorf: Weren't those cows annoying?
Statler: They were pathetic. Made me sick.
(2 bulls suddenly appear, snorting and making angry threatening noises)
Waldorf: Uh, weren't those cows delightful?
Statler: Oh yeah, wonderful! Made me glad.
(the bulls give one final snort like a warning and exit, leaving Statler and Waldorf trembling in their seats)
MUPPET LABS
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: Welcome to Muppet Labs where the future is being made today. And I have some wonderfully good news for people who suffer from extreme hair loss such as myself. I'm really tickled pink about this. (holds up a bottle) Muppet Labs patent new hair restorer lotion. Watch how I demonstrate what it will be able to do for all you fellow baldies of mine. (he opens the lid and rubs some of it into his head) The effect is instantaneous. (hair starts to grow on him and continues to grow while he's talking) Now you will never have to fear the curse of losing your hair. Our new hair restorer works wonders to replenish your crop of beautiful hair to retain your handsome appeal to ladies. It is good. (realizes hair on his fingers) Uh maybe a bit too good. I think there are a few bugs to be worked out. (by this time hair completely covers his face and hands and a what-not dogcatcher appears and nets him)
Dogcatcher: Come on pooch. I'm taking you to the pound.
Bunsen: No. You don't understand. Ugh. (he is dragged offstage)
BACKSTAGE
Harry Secombe: Kermit, I am so enjoying myself tonight. Who am I to perform with next?
Kermit: Miss Piggy Harry.
Harry Secombe: Miss Piggy? That's great! I have always highly admired her.
Kermit: Well that's lovely. Why don't you go meet her in her dressing room and get in some rehearsal?
Harry Secombe: Yes. I sure will.
(after Harry leaves George the Janitor appears)
George: Kermit. I have a big complaint to make.
Kermit: What is it George?
George: I am getting sick and tired of having to constantly clean up the mess that the monsters are always making in the canteen. It has got to stop.
Kermit: Okay George. I promise to do something. (notices Sweetums nearby) Oh hey Sweetums. I want to speak to you.
Sweetums: Yes Kermit.
Kermit: Listen Sweetums. George here is very unhappy about all the monsters making messes in the canteen.
Sweetums: I'm sorry Kermit. But it's a monster's nature to be messy.
Kermit: Nevertheless Sweetums, they are going to have to learn to change their habits. (notices a what-not appearing in the background) Hey Charlie. Can you come here please?
Charlie: Yes Mr.Frog?
Kermit: Charlie I'd like you to go with Sweetums and give the other monsters instructions in good, clean, tidy habits. They've been messing up the canteen and causing poor George here extra work. I'll pay you for your troubles.
Charlie: Okay Mr.Frog. I'll do it.
Kermit: Thank you. You'll be sure to help Charlie with his task, won't you Sweetums?
Sweetums: Very well Kermit. But I'm telling you it's all just going to be a waste of time. (He and Charlie head off)
Kermit: There, are you happy, George?
George: Yeah. But it had better work or else I'll never clean up after those monsters again.
Kermit: Well maybe they'll start eating up their own mess along with the rest of their meals.
George: That sounds promising. They should have enough appetite between them for that.
SONG-I DREAM OF JEANNIE WITH THE LIGHT BROWN HAIR
A what-not man rubs a lamp on a table in a nice living-room setting. A beautiful light brown-haired female genie appears in a puff of smoke. She giggles and simpers while the man sings to her.
I dream of Jeannie with the light brown hair
Born like a vapour on the summer air.
I see her tripping where the bright streams play.
Happy as the daisies that dance on her way.
Many were the wild notes her merry voice would call.
Many were the blithe birds that warbled them all.
I dream of Jeannie with the light brown hair
Floating like a vapour on the soft summer air.
I long for Jeannie with the daydawn smile
Radient with gladness, warm with winning guile.
I hear her melodies, like joys gone by
Sighing round my heart o'er the fond hopes that die.
Sighing like the night wind and sobbing like the rain.
Wailing for the lost one that comes not again.
I dream of Jeannie with the light brown hair
Floating like a vapour on the soft summer air.
Jeannie: What is your command master?
Man: I would like a table booking for two at the most luxurious restaurant plus two tickets to the new blockbuster film at the cinema please.
Jeannie: Your wish is my command. (snaps her fingers and tickets and table booking appear in his hand in another puff of smoke)
Man: (turns and calls out) Mabel. I have them.
Mabel: (appears and embraces him) Oh how wonderful Herman. Let's go.
Herman: Thank you Jeannie. (they go off arm-in-arm)
(Jeannie watches open-mouthed, throws herself face down onto the table and starts to cry bitterly)
Waldorf: You know, I really feel sorry for poor Jeannie.
Statler: I should have offered to go with her instead. Then I'd have gotten out of this theater.
(Statler sulks while Waldorf stares incredulously at him then turns to the camera)
HARRY'S SECOND NUMBER-DUET WITH PIGGY
(Harry and Piggy are seated on a park bench during a snow scene with a large snowman next to them. They embrace each other as they sing Somewhere my Love)
Piggy: Somewhere my love.
There will be songs to sing.
Although the snow
Covers the hope of spring.
Harry Secombe: Somewhere a hill
Blossoms in green and gold.
And there are dreams
All that your heart can hold.
Harry Secombe and Piggy: Someday we'll meet again my love.
Someday whenever the spring breaks through.
Piggy: You'll come to me out of the long ago.
Harry Secombe: Warm as the wind, soft as the kiss of snow.
Piggy: Till then my sweet
Think of me now and then.
Harry Secombe: God speed my love till you are mine again
Harry Secombe and Piggy: Till you are mine again.
(they cuddle affectionately at the end of the number and to their surprise the Snowman lifts his top hat and waves cheerily. They all laugh happily together)
BACKSTAGE
(Kermit and George address Sweetums)
Kermit: Sweetums. George and I would like to know if the monsters are starting to be more tidy.
Sweetums: Actually yes Kermit. They have changed their ways and they promise to never leave the canteen in such a sorry state again.
George: Oh that makes me so very happy.
Kermit: So Charlie really convinced them eh?
Sweetums: He sure did. All my fellow monsters ate a meal under his supervision very nicely and then they cleaned up after themselves when they had him for dessert.
(Sweetums leaves as Kermit reacts in shock. George simply turns his face to the camera with a dead-pan expression)
TALK SPOT
Sam the Eagle: Mr. Secombe. I want to express my absolute joy at having you on the show tonight.
Harry Secombe: Thank you Sam. It's a privilege.
Sam: You have the most remarkable voice and I love to hear you sing the classic songs from opera and great musicals.
Harry Secombe: That's very kind of you.
(Fozzie suddenly appears)
Fozzie: Hey Harry. You're my hero too.
Sam: Er. Excuse me bear. This is my talk spot with Mr. Secombe.
Harry Secombe: No. It's all right. I always have time for my fans. Fozzie, I'm honoured to be admired by a comedian like you.
Fozzie: Yeah. You were one of the key inspirations to me becoming interested in comedy. Your comedian talents were so hilarious.
Harry Secombe: That's true. I was a comedian as well as a singer. On the Goon Radio Show. I'm very pleased you remember those days of my past.
Sam: Well that's very good, but I was starting to say...
Fozzie: (cutting Sam off) One of my favourite gags that you did was speaking about how you were swimming ashore from one point to another.
Harry Secombe: Ah yes. I recall that. As I swam ashore I dried myself to save time. (Harry and Fozzie both start to laugh)
Sam: Uh. May we get back to the subject of your singing? My favourite...
Harry Secombe: (cutting Sam off) Remember this line of mine Fozzie? When someone asked me if these two seats were taken. You know what I replied?
Fozzie: Oh yeah. You said No. They're still here! Wocka-wocka! (they laugh some more)
Sam: This is not the way I planned our chat time to go at all.
Harry Secombe: (ignoring Sam) And my favourite one of all Fozzie. Have you any ink?
Fozzie: (on cue with the line) Right. Here's a fresh bottle aaah.
Harry Secombe: (makes out he's drinking with his hand to his mouth and his head tilted back) GULP!
Aaaah. Gad. Was I thirsty.
(Sam gives up and goes offstage in disgust while Fozzie and Harry laugh so heartily neither one of them notices Sam leave)
Waldorf: Have you ever drank ink?
Statler: I would only drink it chilled. Semi-frozen like iced tea.
Waldorf: Really?
Statler: Yeah. But I would always need a bath badly afterwards.
Waldorf: Oh how come?
Statler: Well you know. Iced ink.
(Waldorf gets the pun and they laugh together)
VET'S HOSPITAL
And now Veterinarian's Hospital. The continuing story of a former orthopedic surgeon who's gone to the dogs.
(As the narrator's voice is heard Piggy, Janice and Dr. Bob are all seen huddled around a small table in the left-hand corner playing cards. When they realize the sketch is starting they quickly stop their game. Dr. Bob actually throws his cards up in the air and they move over to the operating table. The patient is completely covered)
Dr. Bob: Okay. What is the matter with this patient?
Janice: We don't know Dr. Bob.
Dr. Bob: What do you mean you don't know?
Piggy: Well just listen to him for yourself.
(Dr. Bob pulls up the sheet to reveal the Swedish Chef who starts talking. No-one can understand him.)
Dr. Bob: I don't have any idea what he's saying. Where does he come from?
Janice: He comes from Sweden Dr. Bob.
Dr. Bob: Sweden! What on earth is a patient from Sweden doing with us?
Piggy: We had him sent here by foreign exchange. Our english-speaking patient went to Sweden.
Dr. Bob: This annoying foreign exchange program is wearing me out.
Janice: You mean your patience's running out Dr. Bob?
Dr. Bob: No of course not. He's still lying on the table here.
Piggy: Well, what are you going to do Dr. Bob?
Dr. Bob: I want you to boil some hot water immediately. And get some sugar cubes too.
Janice: Hot water? Sugar cubes? How's that supposed to help the patient?
Dr. Bob: It's not for him. It's for me. I need a cup of tea to calm myself down.
Piggy: But what can we do for him? (pointing to Chef)
Dr. Bob: I have no idea. But maybe we can cheer him up if we give him a new pair of blue shoes.
Piggy: Blue shoes?
Dr. Bob: Yes. But be careful not to step on them.
Janice: Hoo boy.
Piggy, Janice and Dr. Bob together: Don't you step on my blue swede shoes! (they all laugh)
And so Dr.Bob has fallen into the culture gap. Tune in next week when we'll hear the patient say:
(Chef rattles off some more of his Swedish talk)
Dr. Bob: If any of you watching at home know what he's saying, please write in and let us know.
MUPPET NEWSFLASH
Here is a Muppet Newsflash.
Special report from Canada. Farmer James G. Giles has invented a new remarkable fertiliser that enables him to grow giant vegetables 10 feet high. Our cameras have contact with Farmer Giles now.
(Harry Secombe appears on the news screen as Farmer Giles)
Newsman: Farmer Giles. This is an exciting breakthrough for food production.
Harry Secombe: Ooh-ar yes. With my new fertiliser mixture the problem of poor people going hungry will be immensely reduced. There'll be plenty of veggies to go around.
Newsman: Have you grown anything so far?
Harry Secombe: Yes. Lettuce, carrots and pumpkins.
Newsman: May we see footage of some of them please?
Harry Secombe: Aaar. Unfortunately I was careless and some rabbits got into the special fertiliser and they grew into giants and devastated my first crop. I am sorry.
Newsman: Are you just pulling some sort of elaborate fancy jest?
(He suddenly gets trampled by a pair of extremely huge rabbit legs running across the newsroom set)
BACKSTAGE
Harry Secombe: Kermit. This show is one of the best experiences I have ever had in all my career. I loved the part I just played in that Muppet Newsflash.
Kermit: That's good Harry. I just hope the Newsman wasn't too badly hurt when those giant rabbits ran over him.
Harry Secombe: It's okay Kermit. He'll be fine. He may have a teeny little scar on his bottom lip where a rabbit's foot scratched him. But his injuries aren't too bad on the whole.
Kermit: A scratch on the lip you say?
Harry Secombe: Yes. He sustained a hare lip.
(Hilda appears with Charlie)
Hilda: Kermit. Charlie wants to speak to you.
Charlie: Yes, Mr.Frog, I feel very lousy after what happened in the canteen.
Kermit: Poor Charlie, I heard about it, and on behalf of the monsters, I want to apologize.
Charlie: I should hope so. I've heard of being down in the mouth, but down in SEVERAL?
Harry Secombe: You poor fellow. You must have felt all torn up and...
Charlie: (cutting Harry off) Please don't say all torn up!
Harry Secombe: Oh excuse me.
Kermit: Here Charlie. Have some extra pay for compensation.
(Charlie pockets the money just as Sweetums appears halfway down the stairs)
Sweetums: Hey Charlie. The gang were all wondering if you'd join us for a drink?
(Charlie races out the backstage exit screaming)
Sweetums: Uh well. How would you like to join us Mr. Secombe?
Harry Secombe: (nervously) Oh that's kind of you but um. (places his arm around Hilda)
This lady and I have a booking for a restaurant. Haven't we Hilda?
Hilda: Oh yes Harry. That's right.
Harry Secombe: Maybe some other time.
Sweetums: Okay. (he goes back up the stairs)
(Harry and Hilda speak quietly)
Harry Secombe: Thank you Hilda. We must always look out for each other in situations like this, mustn't we?
Hilda: Yes Harry. Safety in numbers.
(as they go off together Kermit looks to the camera)
Kermit: I'd be getting gray hairs by now if I wasn't naturally bald.
WAYNE AND WANDA
Sam: And now, here are the two greatest singers I have ever known. Wayne and Wanda.
(curtain opens revealing Wayne and Wanda on a balcony together. Wayne takes Wanda's hand)
Wayne: Take my hand. I'm a stranger in paradise.
(suddenly a what not woman races onto the balcony and starts beating Wayne with an umbrella while a what not man follows and seizes Wanda by the ear)
Man: How many times have your mother and I told you since you were a little girl Wanda?
DON'T EVER SPEAK TO STRANGERS!
(they drag poor Wanda off stage leaving Wayne dazed and confused) (curtain closes on Wayne. Kermit enters)
FOZZIE BEAR Kermit: Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, Fozzie Bear is going to try something a little different. Instead of his usual monologue he will perform comedic style mimery in tribute to one of the greatest silent movie comedians of all time.
Statler: Well, that'll be an improvement upon his act. He won't be speaking.
Waldorf: Yeah. At least we'll only have to put up with seeing him. (they laugh together)
Kermit: So here he is, Mr.Fozzie Bear.
(curtain opens revealing Fozzie dressed up as Charlie Chaplin swaggering around with a derby hat, cane and false moustache. While he's performing, suddenly a muppet bearing a striking resemblance to Mr. Chaplin comes onstage)
Chaplin Muppet: (angrily) How dare you use my image and my style without permission? I won't stand for this and neither will my friends.
(Before Fozzie knows it muppets in the likenesses of Buster Keaton, Harold Lloyd, Stan Laurel and Oliver Hardy appear and start hitting him with cream pies, honking horns in his ears and squirting water through their lapels while Statler and Waldorf are cheering them on. Finally he runs offstage chased by all of them)
BACKSTAGE
(Fozzie runs past Kermit with the silent movie stars in pursuit. Kermit just sighs and speaks into the intercom)
Kermit: Harry, Rowlf and back-up singers stand by for the closing number. (Harry, Rowlf and two pigs head onstage. George appears followed unknowingly by Sweetums)
Sweetums: Hey Kermit. I have to tell you that since Charlie refuses to socialize with us anymore all the monsters have reverted back to their messy ways.
Kermit: But Sweetums, they were so rough on poor Charlie. That's why he doesn't want to have anything more to do with them.
Sweetums: Sorry Kermit. But I told you it was a waste of time.
(Sweetums leaves)
George: (to Kermit) I guess I'd better just keep cleaning up after them. Better than feeling all torn up and down in SEVERAL mouths.
Kermit: Sheesh! (heads onstage)
CLOSING NUMBER
Kermit: And now once again, here's Mr. Harry Secombe. Yaay!
(curtain opens. Rowlf is playing piano in the background while Harry and the two pigs, one on his right, the other on his left, each throw a coin into a fountain. Then they sing together in perfect unison, "Three Coins in the Fountain")
Harry Secombe and Pigs: Three coins in the fountain
Each one seeking happiness.
Thrown by three hopeful lovers
Which one will the fountain bless?
Three hearts in the fountain
Each heart longing for its home.
There they lie in the fountain
Somewhere in the heart of Rome.
Which one will the fountain bless?
Which one will the fountain bless?
Three coins in the fountain
Through the ripples how they shine.
Just one wish will be granted.
One heart will wear a valentine.
Pig on left: Make it mine.
Pig on right: Make it mine.
Harry Secombe: Make it mine. (he holds the note with great feeling while Rowlf concludes the musical accompaniment)
(then a girl with a veil concealing her face comes onstage, approaching Harry, embracing him. But when he bends down and lifts the veil he does a double take. The girl turns around revealing herself to be Boppity in a golden wig and dress)
CONCLUSION
Kermit: Once again the time has come to say good-bye. Let's not forget to show our appreciation to our special guest star, Mr. Harry Secombe! Yaaay!
(Harry comes onstage waving and smiling)
Harry Secombe: Thanks Kermit. I have so enjoyed my time with you tonight. I only have one complaint.
Kermit: What's that Harry?
(Boppity comes onstage still dressed up like a girl and embraces Harry again)
Harry Secombe: I want the coin I threw in the fountain refunded. (he starts to laugh)
Kermit: We'll see you next time on the Muppet Show.
(the cows from Harry's first number, Miss Piggy from his second number and Rowlf and the two pigs from his closing number all crowd around him as the closing credits start to run. Even the giant Snowman sticks his arm and face out through the curtains waving.)
Statler and Waldorf closing gag:
Statler: Waldorf, if I pay you twenty bucks, will you take my ticket for next week's show and give it to somebody else?
Waldorf: Sorry but no. I wouldn't wish such a fate on my worst enemy.
Statler: Shucks.
