Llama's Dumb Oneshots and Drabbles Thread

[TwoHeadedLlama]

So I thought it was about time I made a thread for all my weird crap.

Here's a quick drabble to start it off.


Up With The Swine

Lips opened his eyes. From his position on the twin sized mattress on the floor, he could see the sun beginning to rise over the next-door neighbor’s house, which could easily be seen through the bedroom window, casting a pinkish glow over the roof. Turning his head, the trumpeter could see the left side of the room. A pair of bunk beds were situated in both corners, and between them stood a large wooden dresser. This was the 'sleeping' side of the Electric Mayhem's bedroom at the Muppet boarding house. The four founding members slept in the bunks, however, Lips was forced to sleep on a tiny mattress on the floor, next to the band's resident maniac drummer, Animal, who was curled up in a pile of thick blankets, snoring contentedly. The other side of the room was reserved for the band's instruments and equipment, which took up a lot of space and caused the sleeping area to feel a bit cramped. But Lips didn't mind. He'd stayed in much worse places than this, but at least this time, he knew he was among friends.

Lips looked back over at the window. He yawned and stretched a bit, then began to wonder what time it was. It was probably pretty early, seeing as both the room and the rest of the house were dead silent. The trumpeter could remember Floyd warning him about the 'morning rush', when the entire building supposedly almost shook with noise. Lips sat up and looked around the room, searching for a clock. Maybe he'd slept in late?

The trumpeter reached over and pushed his comforter off his legs, then carefully got to his feet. The floorboards creaked loudly as he put weight on them, but the noise didn't seem to disturb Animal, who continued to snore. Sighing with relief, Lips carefully walked over to the dresser to see if there was a clock on it. Luckily, there was. He reached up and grabbed onto it, before bringing it down to eye-level so he could read it. It was approximately 5:01.

Lips rolled his eyes at himself. He had hoped that staying with the Muppets would break him out of his ungodly sleeping pattern, but that didn't seem to be the case.

“Ah, well,” Lips thought to himself. “Might as well get up anyway, an' beat the crowd, if there is one.”

He stretched again, taking the opportunity to place the clock back in its spot, before turning around and walking over to his suitcase, which was still lying next to his bed, since it hadn't been unpacked the night before. Lips had gotten to the boarding house only last night, and hadn’t time to unpack before lights out. Upon reaching the suitcase, he unlatched it and extracted the clothes he was going to wear that day. Lips gathered the clothing in his arms, and went over to the bedroom door, carefully opened it and stepping into the hallway, then closed it quietly with a sharp 'click' behind him.

“Let's see,” the trumpeter thought as he walked down the hall, passing various doors. “Think it was the fifth one on the left, or maybe the sixth...”

After a bit of walking, Lips finally discovered the door marked 'Bathroom'. After knocking on it to make sure no one was inside, he opened it and stepped onto the tiled floor, then closed it behind him once again. The first thing he noticed was that the bathroom was oddly cold. He wondered if it was always like this, or if the heater might be broken. Lips shrugged to himself, and then began to remove his pajamas.

Now, the trumpeter had only planned to take a shower at first, but something peculiar caught his eye as he was washing his face at the sink. There were a couple of odd little pink bottles on top of the mirror. Out of curiosity, Lips picked up one of the bottles, and discovered that it contained a bubble bath mixture. He paused for a moment to think, and decided to run himself a bath instead. After all, everything in the bathroom was free-for-all, wasn't it? And he couldn't see why anyone would object to having their bubble bath used. So that's what he decided to do.

Meanwhile, out in the hallway, a certain female pig was marching towards the bathroom, her heeled shoes clomping over the floor. It was about 5:32, the time when she usually awoke and had her morning bath and spa treatment. Under her arm she carried her little poodle, Foo-Foo, who didn't seem to be very pleased to have been waken up so early in the day.

“Oh, Foo-Foo, my friend. Don't use that tone of voice with moi! You are in desperate need of a bath, and we must keep up appearances, should we not?”

At last, Piggy made it to the bathroom door. Without knocking, she shoved it open, causing it to bang into the opposite wall. Lips, who had been dozing in the bath, sat up like a shot, and quickly grabbed the curtain to cover himself, even though there wasn't really a need, since he was covered in bubbles.

Miss Piggy glared darkly at the stranger, who cowered timidly behind the curtain. She cleared he throat and said, in as quiet a voice as she could muster,

“Pardon moi, but who in the hay are you, and why are you using MY bubble bath during the time when I am supposed to be using it myself???”

Lips stared at her, dumbfounded. No one had told him he'd have to share a bathroom with a pig.

“Sorry, Ma'am,” he stuttered. “I seen the bottle sittin' on top of the mirror, and figured anybody could use it...I-I'm Lips, the new horn player?”

Miss Piggy was silent for a few moments, fuming at the stranger's audacity, as well as the fact that his presence seemed to be the Electric Mayhem's fault. The diva always took a bubble bath around 5:30 in the morning, and now this backwoods bumpkin had shown up to deface her perfect morning routine. But after a few minutes, she seemed to calm down a bit, and decided throwing the stranger out was probably not the best course of action.

“Alright, mister horn-player. I want you out of that bathtub in five minutes! And keep that curtain closed, we don't have any 'peeping Toms' in this house.”

Lips nodded quickly, and drew the curtains around the tub, blocking him from sight. At the same time, Piggy went over to the mirror and began to cover her face in a cold cream. For a few minutes she rinsed and lathered, until finally she was able to put on the last layer, which she would wear into the tub. With the ritual done, the posh pig pulled on a pink bathrobe and turned around, only to find Lips standing behind her, luckily fully clothed, and figiting uncomfortably.

“Well?” she asked him. “What do you want?”

Lips bit his lower lip and sighed in exasperation. “Think you could step outside, Ma'am, just for a couple of minutes?”

Piggy raised her eyebrows. “Why would I want to do that?”

“I have to go.”

“Of course you have to go, out of this room!”

Lips shook his head. “No, I mean, well, it's one of those 'nature calls' things.”

Piggy wrinkled her nose. Obviously the stranger was speaking in weird, hippie talk.

“Well then go ahead! It's a nice day outside. There should be lots of nature,” she grunted in an annoyed tone.

Lips sighed in frustration, then, after a thought, he walked over to the nearby toilet and lifted up the seat, indicating he required its use. It was at this point that Miss Piggy finally understood what he was getting at, and she stormed out of the bathroom in a huff, slamming the door behind her.
Out in the hall, Piggy angrily fumed. It was one thing for the stranger to use her things, but to kick her out of her own bathroom? Now that was a crime that could not go unpunished. She was so annoyed at the thought that she didn't even notice when Kermit appeared standing next to her, wearing a bathrobe and holding a cup of coffee.

“Good morning, Piggy,” he said cheerfully. “I thought you were gonna take a bath?”

“I was,” Piggy muttered. “Until some idiot decided to steal my bubble bath...”

A raspy, cackling laugh suddenly echoed down the hallway. Kermit and Piggy turned to see who it was, and spotted Floyd Pepper walking towards them.

“Idiot? Sounds more like a genius to me!” the bassist chuckled as he began to pass the bathroom door.

This was too much for Miss Piggy, who was already nearly bursting at the seams with anger.

“HIIIIII-YA!”

With one swing of her arm, she catapulted Floyd right into the door, knocking it clean off its hinges. Kermit stared in shock, and Lips, who had finished and was washing his hands at the sink, dropped the soap. He rushed over to where Floyd laid, and gently shook him.

“Floyd!” He shouted. “You alright, man?”

Floyd groaned, and looked up at the ceiling. In a slightly dazed voice, he replied,

“Oh, hey, Lips. Listen, if you happen to get up between five and six, whatever you do, don't go in the bathroom. That's the pig's time.”

​

Piggy groaned. “Oh, now you tell him.”

 

[AlittleMayhem]

*sigh* Can't a pig have a bath without any weirdos around?!

Nicely written, BTW!

 

[Bridget]

This was absolutely well written! Great job TwoHeadedLlama! I loved it!

~Bridget~

 

[Ruahnna]

It's always worthwhile to see Piggy go all "Hi-yah!" on Floyd....

 

[TwoHeadedLlama]

Ok, here's another quickie. I promise this is the last Lips-related one for a bit.

​

Generic Cuddles​

It was a warm, partly cloudy, summer day at the park. Dozens of people, humans and Muppets alike, had gathered in the park to take advantage of the nice weather. In the grassy shade of the leafy trees, a pair of children, brother and sister, tossed a football between each other in a game of catch. Nearby, an elderly pair of women sat on a park bench, sharing gossip. And behind the bench they sat on, some distance away, was a small pond, surrounded by a brick path. A family of ducks swam in the pond as the rays of he sun shone down on them. At the same time, sparrows and robins tweeted and chirped between trees in a carefree manner. The park as a whole seemed almost peaceful and serene. There was only one problem, and that problem was Muppets.

The two elderly ladies were suddenly interrupted by the loud, piercing notes of a brass trumpet. After a few seconds, the noise stopped, only to be repeated again by a different trumpeter, who ended the pattern with more of a loud squeak than a note. The women looked at each other, and shook their heads in annoyance.

“Aw, Gloria,” said the first one. “It's those darned Muppets again, always bringing their noise to our quiet little park.”

“I can't hear you, Maggie,” the second one shouted over the noise. “But it sounds like you said the Muppets were making too much noise.”

Maggie rolled her eyes, and turned her head to look over the edge of the bench. Sure enough, off in the distance, she spotted a pair of Muppets, sitting on a blanket over on the other side of the pond, each one holding an offending brass instrument to their lips. Maggie then turned back to face her friend, and spotted a park warden walking towards them.

“Hey, Gloria!” Maggie shouted. “Flag that man down!”

Gloria nodded, and removed a red handkerchief from her purse. She raised it high above her head, and waved it in a circle.

“Yoo-hoo! Park person! Over here!” she shouted in a high, crackling voice.

The park warden spotted the pair, and immediately rushed towards them at a fast pace, stopping in front of Maggie.

“Yes, ladies,” he said. “Do you need something?”

“Heh,” snorted Maggie. “Take a wild guess, young man. Unless you're deaf.”

The confused warden blinked at the women clueless. After a brief pause, he began to listen to the noises around him. But all he could hear were the sounds of a skillful trumpeter, playing a peaceful melody in a high key. The warden marveled at their skill.

“I don't understand what you mean, miss,” he replied. “All I hear is someone playing the trumpet. That's not what's bothering you, is it?”

“You're kidding! You actually like that horrible noise?” Gloria scoffed.

“Hush, Gloria,” said Maggie. “The man does have a point, the first one ain't too bad. But keep listening.”

The warden listened again. Another trumpeter was playing now, sounding out the melody in an equally fine tone. That is, until they got to the last few notes of the song. The notes suddenly turned into ear-piercing squeaks, causing the three humans to cover their ears in pain. After a few moments, the warden removed his hands from his ears, and sighed in exasperation.

“I see what you mean,” he said.

“So you're not deaf after all, then!” said Gloria. “Those Muppets over there are a noise nuisance. Go and make them stop.”

The warden nodded, and rushed off at a trot towards the other side of the pond.

***​

“Alright. Try it again. This time, try not to force it too much. Relax and save your breath for the endin'.”

Delores nodded sharply, and pressed her trumpet to her lips. She must have gone over the same melody a hundred times, and her mouth was starting to get sore. But she didn't let Lips know, because she knew he'd tell her to quit. But the blonde didn't want to quit until she could reach those high notes with ease. So Delores took a deep breath, and began the melody again.

“Excuse me, folks,” said a voice.

Lips turned his head to the side and found himself looking at a pair of long legs. He frowned, and tapped Delores on the knee, signaling her to stop. The trumpet girl obeyed, and craned her neck up to look into the face of the stranger.

“Something wrong, sir?” she asked.

“Yeah, um,” the man replied, shifting his weight nervously. “Would the two of you mind not playing your instruments? A few people have been complaining about the noise.”

The two trumpet players looked at each other. Lips shrugged.

“Alright then,” he said. “We could use a break anyways.”

The human nodded, and walked away. Lips and Delores waited until he was out of earshot, then sighed at the same time.

“Oh well,” Delores said, frowning and looking downtrodden. “I guess it'll be a while before I finally get comfortable with the upper register.”

Lips smiled warmly. “Hey, it's ok. You're improvin' a lot. A couple more tries and you may've had it, but we've been goin' on for too long anyway.”

Delores blushed slightly, and reached across their picnic blanket to grab her trumpet case. Lips did the same, though he at least had left it in a spot that was easier to reach. The blonde musician smiled as he did so. Lips had been tutoring her on her playing ability for a few weeks now, and she had slowly, but surely, made progress. Her yellow-haired teacher had been incredibly patient with her, despite several setbacks. Delores envied his ability to play in the upper register with ease, and considered herself lucky to have such a learned teacher, even if he did seem a bit strange at times.

Lips, having put his trumpet away, opened up a picnic basket that was seated in front of him. He put a hand inside it and felt around for something, but after a time, he realized what he was looking for wasn't in there, so he pulled his hand out and sighed in disappointment.

“What were you looking for?” Delores asked.

“Oh, just hopin' there was a piece of pie left. But it seems like someone went and ate it all.”

Delores chuckled merrily. “Lips, you ate most of it. I seem to recall you having your third helping about an hour ago.”

Lips smiled sheepishly. “Guess you're right, Dee. But it was so good, I couldn't stop myself. You made it, right?”

Delores shook her head. “I bought it from the grocery store. I thought you already knew that.”

“Oh...”

Lips smiled halfheartedly in embarrassment, then, after a pause, decided to lay down on his back and look up at the tree branches. Sighing contentedly, he folded his arms over his chest and closed his eyes in relaxation.

Delores smiled as she watched him. She could hardly believe that this was the same Muppet who she'd been dating for around six months now. The trumpet girl could remember having to actually ask him out on their first date, since he was so bashful, but now Lips had considerably come out of his shell. So far, their dates had been relatively enjoyable, except for one problem. Lips had an annoying habit of-

“My grandma used to take me to the park all the time in the summer. When I was real little, she'd push me on the swings at the playground. It was so much fun that it took me a while to learn to do it by myself.”

Delores, who had been lost in thought, suddenly came back to her senses in a millisecond. That was the one thing she wished Lips wouldn't do. He loved to talk about his past, especially his family. He would gush over stories of his childhood, even though there really seemed to be only two people involved, his mother and grandmother. Lips didn't really seem to have a father, since he never mentioned one, but the trumpeter didn't seem to care at all.

Delores, on the other hand, did have a father. And a mother. And grandparents. Along with siblings, cousins and in-laws. But out of all her family members, there wasn't a single one whom she felt kinship to. Delores's entire family had been against her becoming a musician, but Lips did not know this, as Delores hadn't mention her family at all in the many months they had known each other. If she was lucky, he probably never would.

Lips noticed that his words had bothered her, so he sat up and scooted towards Delores until they were shoulder to shoulder. Unbeknownst to her, he had never asked her about her family since he knew she always seemed downtrodden whenever the subject came up. The trumpeter didn't know why, but he knew it was best not to question it. The last thing Lips wanted to do was make her feel uncomfortable.

Delores smiled at her partner, and put an arm around him, a sudden feeling of warmth and happiness overcoming her. Lips seemed to be a bit confused by the gesture.

“Is somethin' wrong?” he asked lowly.

“Lips,” Delores began. “I just realized something. We've been going out for almost six months, and you haven't kissed me once.”

Lips raised his eyebrows. He could feel his cheeks getting red with embarrassment.

“Y-you're right,” he uttered. “Would you like one?”

Delores gripped him tighter, and giggled. “I would like that very much,” she replied.

Lips swallowed hard. He knew that this moment would happen eventually, but didn't expect it to happen so soon. He stared hard at Delores, trying to figure out the best way to approach the situation, then, after a moment, he leaned in and gave her a quick peck on what he assumed was her nose. The trumpeter immediately regretted doing it, as he quickly realized that was not the type of kiss his partner was expecting. But Delores didn't seem upset. Instead, she laughed heartily, and pulled him to the ground.

“Sorry 'bout that,” Lips said, laughing nervously. “That was just a warm up.”

“Oh, it's fine,” Delores giggled as she wrapped another arm around him. “I assume you've never kissed a girl before?”

“Well...no,” Lips said timidly. “I mean-”

But before he could say anything else, Delores had planted a passionate kiss on his mouth. Lips was a bit shocked at first, but then realized how wonderful he felt, and gradually melted into the kiss, closing his eyes he he did so. The two of them stayed connected in this manner for what seemed like quite a long time, before breaking away. Delores then proceeded to rest her head on his companion's chest, and Lips, whose nervousness seemed to have melted away, put an arm over her back.

Delores beamed up at Lips. “Not bad for a first time,” she said.

“I did it right?”

“Mmm-hmm.”

Lips smiled gently, and closed his eyes, feeling greatly at peace. Delores closed hers as well, and the two of them were eventually lulled to sleep by a warm breeze that whispered gently through the trees.

 

[AlittleMayhem]

Aww, such fluffy dorks the pair make! This was so cute! Thanks for sharing!