Haunted House Hams

[minor muppetz]

Chapter 1

Link Hogthrob and Dr. Strangepork were riding in a carriage in a scary forrest.

"Ohhhhh, I'm scarred", said Link Hogthrob, "But I can go through with this. My Uncle Austin specifically wrote in his will for me to get 50,000 dollars if I spend one night in his haunted house."

"We sure could use the money", said Dr. Strangepork, "Disney hasn't been giving us any work lately. By the way, have you heard anything about when the secodn season will be released so that we can start getting residuals?"

"No, I haven't heard a thing", said Link. The sound of a wolf howling was then heard, and Link shivered.

"I never even knew that you had a rich uncle", said Dr. Strangepork.

"I am just as surprised as you are, Dr. Strangepork", said Link, "He never spent more than a dollar on any Christmas or birthday presents for me."

The carriage went up a bumpy hill, so bumpy that Link and Dr. Strangepork were being bounced around the inside of the carriage, force-thrown to the ceilling and the walls.

The carriage soon stopped.

"GET OUT!", said the carriage driver.

They got out and took their luggage.

"Enjoy the night", said the carriage driver.

"Oh, thank you", said Dr. Strangepork.

"But beware", the driver continued, "for this house has a history of...."

"Well, I can't wait to see what this house is like", said Link, interrupting the driver. The driver then decided to leave while Link and Dr. Strangepork went inside. Inside, it looked like a big mansion.

"Vow!", said Dr. Strangepork, "Vat vonders! Look at everything!"

Link was looking at some portraits of his uncle, "Yeah, my uncle sure does love to hang pictures of himself everywhere."

"He's definately your uncle", remarked Dr. Strangepork.

The doorbell then rang.

"I'll get it!", said Dr. Strangepork. He opened the door, but nobody was there. "Hello? Hello? Anybody out here? Are you invisible?"

He then shut the door. As he was about to go into another room, the doorbell rang again. He opened it, but again, nobody was there.

"That's vierd", thought Dr. Strangepork, who shut the door again. The doorbell rang again, and he opened, and just like the last two times, he didn't see anybody out there, but he heard a sneeze from inside the bushes.

"Hmmm", thoguth Dr. Strangepork, as he shut the door. After shutting the door, he looked through the keyhole. He saw a bratty little boy getting out of the bushes, ringing the doorbell, and then jumping into the bushes. After waiting a few minutes, the boy got out of the bushes and was about to ring the doorbell again, when Dr. Strangepork opened the door on him, catching him in the act.

"May I help you?", asked Dr. Strangepork.

The boy just ran away, screamming.

"AND DON'T YOU EVER COME BACK, YOU HEAR?", shouted Dr. Strangepork, who then slammed the door, "I just hope that this doesn't become a running gag".

"HELP, Dr. Strangepork!", screamed Link.

 

[minor muppetz]

Chapter 2

Dr. Strangepork came running to the rescue.

"Where are you, Link", asked Dr. Strangepork.

"I'm in my room", he cried, "Come quick! It's terrible!"

Dr. Strangepork ran upstairs and into Link's room.

"Vat's the matter?", asked Dr. Strangepork.

"My finger is caught in my coke bottle", said Link, whose finger was caught in a bottle of coke.

"Oh, Link, you're such a big baby", sighed Dr. Strangepork, "It's a wonder that you were never on Muppet Babies."

Dr. Strangepork pulled the bottle, and Link's finger got unstuck.

"Oh, thank you, Dr. Strangepork", said Link, who then opened his closet and got covered with cob webs. "Aaaaah", screamed Link.

Later that night, Link decided to make himself a snack.

"Let's see what is in the refridgerator", said Link, who opened the refridgerator, only to find an old black man wearing a red plaid shirt and holding a fish. "That's strange", said Link, "I thought this gag was only done on The Andy Millonakis Show."

Link then looked through the cubboards, and found a box of cake dough, with a recipe attached.

"Oh, wow!", exclaimed Link, "Cake and a recipe!"

Link made the cake and then put it in the oven.

"The recipe says to cook for two hours", Link said to himself, "Oh, rats! This means I'll have to wait to eat!"

Link decided to pass the time by getting on the living room couch and watching soem TV.

"Let's see what's on", thought Link.

He turned on the television set, and watched the news.

"Here is a Muppet News Flash!", said The Newsman, "A scarry demented psyco killer is on the loose! Here is what he looks like!" A picture of a rabbit with a duck beak and spikey hands was shown. "So keep your doors and windows locked, because the only thing that he's scarred of is breaking into houses! He likes to make an entrance." A paper and a tape player was then handed to The Newsman. "This is just in... it seems like the killer has a specific way of entering your house. So don't answer your door if you hear this sound." The Newsman played the tape recorder, and the sound effect was three rings and two knocks.

"What a crazy news story", thoguht Link, but then, at that very moment he heard three rings and two knocks at the door. Link screamed and hid under the couch. Then he heard Dr. Strangepork going to get the door. Link ran out from under the couch.

"No, Dr. Strangepork, don't answer that door! DON'T ANSWER THAT DOOR!"

 

[minor muppetz]

Chapter 3

Dr. Strangepork was about to answer the door, but Link ran and got in the way just in time.

"NO, don't answer!", said Link, "There's an evil duck beaked bunny with spikey hands outside waiting to kill us!"

"Oh, really?", said Dr. Strangepork.

"Yeah, really", said Link, "It was reported on the news. He even has his own trademark way of knocking at the door."

Then, the doorbell rang three times again, and he knocked twice again.

"And tha's it", said Link.

"Let me just look through the keyhole", said Dr. Strangepork, and sure enough, he saw the bunny standing outside the door.

"You are right", said Dr. Strangepork. He continued to look, and the bunny soon walked away.

"Well, he's gone", said Dr. Strangepork, "Vhy don't ve watch some other television programs?"

"That is a good idea", said Link.

They got on the couch and changed the channel. They saw a program that used the Pigs in Space action figures and playset.

"I'll pull this lever!", said the Link Hogthrob action figure.

"You'd better not, Link!", said the Miss Piggy action figure.

The Link Hogthrob action figure did it anyway, and the doors opened, where some barbies and G.I. Joe's walked through the door.

"Oh, look vhat yoiu've done!", said the Dr. Strangepork action figure.

"Vhat is this?", asked Dr. Strangepork.

"It must be Robot Chicken", said Link.

"They are doing a horrible job with our voices", said Dr. Strangepork, "Change the channel!"

Link changed the channel, and on the next channel, there was a program with a camel walking in the desert. After watching the camel do the came thing for four minutes, Link thoought "Is this all the camels going to do?", and then changed the channel.

On the enxt chanel, a hebrew-language dub of It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown was playing. "I can't beleive they actually have hebrew-language stations in this part of town", said Link, who then changed the channel again.

Crazy Harry was on TV. "It's time for 'Blow Up Your TV', the show where I blow up your TV set!", said Crazy Harry, who pressed down his plunger, and the TV suddenly exploded.

"Vow!", thought Dr. Strangepork.

"Explosive TV", said Link.

"Ve don't need television", said Dr. Strangepork, "I can tell you a scary story."

"Okay", said Link.

"Once upon a time, there was a young pig who inherrited a large amount of money from his dead, rich uncle", said Dr. Strangepork

"This story sounds familiar", said Link.

He went to sit on the couch, but the couch disintigrated into a pile of dust", added Dr. Strangepork. "He then went to watch TV, but it exploded. He went to the refridgerator, but all that was in there were penguins."

"This is spooky", said Link, "Those penguins sound scary".

Dr. Strangepork continued, "And it was a beautiful night. The temporature was just right. But then the doorbell rang, and at the door were fifty serial killers from Camel Ciggarettes, attempting to sell some cigarettes. When the pig wouldn't buy them, the serial killers killed him, and ate him for BREAKFAST!!!"

Link started to get scarred. "Please end the story....."

"Oh, okay, ya big baby", said Dr. Strangepork.

Then the doorbell rang. Link screamed.

"Oh, Link, it's only a story, geez", said Dr. Strangepork.

"Oh, well, uh, I'm not afraid", claimed Link, "I'll go and get the door".

Link went to the door. The bell ran gagain, and he briefly whimpered, but then he opened the door. Outside were a group of kids, once dressed in an Elmo costume, one dressed as Sponge Bob, one dressed as a pink Power Ranger, one dressed as Barney the Dinosaur, one dressed as a ghost with too many holes cut in the sheet, and one dressed as Adolf Hitler.

"Trick or treat!", said the kids.

"Aaaaahhhhh!!!", scramed Link, who slammed the door, "What scary costumes! I think I'm scared of the purple dinosaur the most!"

 

[tutter_fan]

OMG! Funny so far!

 

[minor muppetz]

I actually wanted to start writing this story last night, but there were problems with the forum, which prevented me from posting. I actually got the idea of having this story star Link Hogthrob and Dr. Strangepork yesterday, and I thought about the plot and what all I wanted to do while I was at work yesterday. It only took me one day to develop an idea (in my head). So far most of what happened is how I thought it out.

I had been thinking about writing a fan fic with somebody spending the night inside a haunted house for a few weeks. Some ideas that I've had included Ernie and Bert spenidng a night inside a haunted house (and Bert would have inherrited either a million paper clips or a million bottle caps), Oscar spedning the night inside a haunted house and getting fifty million pounds of trash (for thsi idea, it's just called "The Haunted House" because it's named after somebodywhose last name was haunted... otherwise, it's a clean, child-friendly, bright-colored house, the kind that a Grouch wouldn't want to spend the night in), and having Kermit, Miss Piggy, Fozzie, and a few other main characters spedn the night in a haunted house. But then I decided to have this star some characters who aren't very major, and decided to use Link Hogthrob and Dr. Strangepork as the stars.

 

[tutter_fan]

Keep it going! This story is getting sillier & sillier by the minute!

 

[minor muppetz]

Chapter 4

It was 1 AM. It was getting late. Dr. Strangepork had already gone to bed, but Link was too scared to sleep. After getting covered in cobwebs earlier, all he did was pull the cobwebs off his body, so he was a bit dirty. So he decided to take a shower.

He was taking a shower. He put some shampoo in his hair, shampoo that just happened to be red. He saw some of the shampoo as it got on his hands and said to himself, "That's odd.... am I bleeding?"

Then, he heard some foot steps.

"Uh, St-strangepork, i-is that y-you?", Link stuttered? He got no response. Then, a knife went through the wall. Link screamed, but then another knife cut through the shower curtain.

"I hope this isn't an episode of Soap", said Link.

Then, the head of a very small, verry scary creature popped through the shower cap.

"Boo!", said the creature.

"Aaaahh, I'm outta here!", screamed Link as he jumped out of the shower and quickly put his bathrobe on, running out the door.

He ran down the hallway, about to wake up Dr. Strangepork and warn him, but then a suit of armor came to life and swang it's ax at Link. Link ducked, and the suit of armor swang so fast that it accidently hit itself, but didn't suffer any serous damage.

Link ran to Dr. Strangepork's room.

"Wake up, Dr. Strangepork!", shouted Link, "50,000 dollars isn't really as important as it seems. We've gotta go!"

OH, it's probably nothing, Link", said Dr. Strangepork, "It's probably just the carriage driver playing atrick on us, or maybe that bratty doorbell ringer is pulling another prank on us."

But then, a flame of fire shot through the wall.

"On the other hand, we could just lie to your uncles lawyers and say that we stayed the entire night", contemplated Dr. Strangepork.

"Good idea", said Link, "let's run!"

They ran out of the room. They saw some small, furry sponge-like monsters jumping out of the grandfathers clock, so they ran the other way.

"After the porks!", said one of the sponges.

The small creature that came out of Link's shower then showed up.

"Oh, no, we're trapped!", said Link, "On one side is a herd of scary sponges, on the other side... another small scary creature!"

The small creature then quickly flew after the two pigs, but they both jumped out of the way, and instead the creature ate one of the sponges, causing the others to run away.

"Aaah", screamed one of the sponges, "He ate our leader!"

The creature liked how the first sponge tasted and went after the other sponges.

"Hey, come back here!", said the creature, "Forget pigs! I have a new favortie snack!"

Link and Strangepork slid down the stair rail.

"vell, I think we've avoided everything", said Dr. Strangepork, who then started smelling something. "Oh, vhat smells so good?"

"Oh, that is cake that I made earlier", said Link, who then realised, "Oh, no! I've left the stove on longer than I was supposed to!"

Link and Dr. Strangepork then ran to the kitchen, where they saw a lot of cake batter comming out of the stove.

"Ve've gotta turn it off!", said Dr. Strangepork, who then turned it off. The stove then broke into many pieces, and the dough turned into a monster.

"Not only were you only supposed to cook me for two hours", said the Cake Dough Monster, "But you were also supposed to check the expiration date and most importantly, you were supposed to make sure that the stove did not have any radiation leaks!"

"Oh, no!", said Link, "What was I thinking?"

"Well, it doesn't matter", said the cake dough monster, "Because you won't have any more thoughts", and then the monster acted like he was about to eat them.

 

[minor muppetz]

Chapter 5

The Cake Dough Monster was about to eat them, but then they ran the other way. However, behind them was the evil duck-beaked rabbit.

"Prepare to die!", said the rabbit.

"Oh, no!", cried Dr Strangepork.

"How did you get in here?", asked Link, "I thought the door was locked."

"A suit of armor let me in", said the rabbit.

"Oh, yeah, I forgot about that", said Link.

"And now I shall attack you", said The Rabbit.

"Oh, no!", cried Link and Dr. Strangepork, but then the suit of armor appeared and repeatedly chopped the rabbit with his axe.

"Wait... weren't you going to chop me up earlier?", asked Link.

"No, I was just practicing my ax swinging", said the suit of armor, "You just happened to be in my way."

The Cake Dough Monster then entered the room, growling and ready to eat them.

"And now I saw protect you from that monster!", said the suit of armor. He went after the monster with his axe but the monster instantly ate him in one bite.

"Now who's gonna save us?", wondered Dr. Strangepork.

"Nobody", said the monster as he gave a sinister laugh, but then he started to feel a bit sick, "Oooh, I don't feel very god. Where's your bathroom?"

"Uh, ve don't have a bathroom", said Dr. Strangepork.

"But Strangepork, I was...", said Link.

Dr. Strangepork punched Link in the stomache, and then continued. "Uh, as I said, ve don't have a bathroom here. The nearest bathroom is in the ocean downtown."

"Oh, thanks a lot", said the monster, as he went out the back door.

"Vell, I think ve are now safe from scary creatures", said Dr. Strangepork.

"Oh, what a releif!", said Link, but then the phone rang. Link answered it.

"Hello", said Link.

"Hello.... Do you like scary movies", said the person on the other line, a deep, gruff-voiced fellow.

"Uh... y-yes....", said a cowardly Link.

"Are you afraid of the dark?", asked the person on the other line.

"U-uh, of course", shivered Link.

"Well, then prepare to... prepare to...", said the perosn on the other line, who couldn't hold any laughter any more, then laughed out loud. It turned out to be Rowlf. "Hiya, Link, it's me, Rowlf!"

"Oh, Rowlf!", chuckled Link, "You nearly scarred me to death! I sort of thought it was you, but I also thought it sounded like Dr. Teeth, Bobo, and Mahna Mahna."

"I fooled ya real good, huh?", asked Rowlf, "Well, anyway, how is everything?"

"oh, it was scary", said Link, "But hopefully all of the scary things are behind us. Hey, would you like to talk to Dr. Strangepork?"

"Okay", said Rowlf.

Link handed the phone over to Dr. Strangepork.

"Hello, Dr. Julius Strangepork speaking."

"Hiya, Strangepork!", said Rowlf, "Is it scary there?"

"No, but it vas scary", said Dr. Strangepork, "How's your music?"

The doorbell then rang again. Link answered it. He opened the door and saw a salesman.

"I'm going door-to-door to make you this once-in-a-lifetime incredible offer!", said the salesman.

"AaaaaHHH!", screamed Link, who then slammed the door on the salesman. He locked the door, and then took a deep breath.

Then, Link saw all of the pictures of his uncle open from the wall, and behind each picture was a small space where large spiders were stored.

"I knew these portraits would eventually become a plot point after all", said Link.

Dr. Strangepork then entered the room.

"Well, I had a great conversation with Rowlf", said Dr. Strangepork, who then started to notice the spiders.

The spiders jumped out of the spaces, and chased after the pigs.

 

[minor muppetz]

Chapter 6

Link and Strangepork ran to the kitchen, but then they saw the creature that had come out of the shower earlier.

"I'm ba-aaa-aaack!", said the creature, "I got tired of eating sponges, so now I am going to eat you!"

"Why don't you eat some spiders", asked Link.

"Spiders?", asked the creature, "What spiders?"

The spiders then came into the kitchen.

"Aaaaah, SPIDERS!!!!", screamed the creature as he ran out the kitchen.

"AAAAHHHH, SHOWER CREATURE!", screamed the spiders as they ran the other way.

"Well, they are gone", said Link.

"But is this the last climax?", asked Dr. Strangepork.

They went upstairs, but as they went upstairs, an even bigger spider, the size of the one who danced with Raquel Welch on The Muppet Show, appeared from out of nowhere.

"AAAHHHH", screamed Link Hogthrob and Julius Strangepork as they ran the other way. They ran past the couch, but the couch transformed into a Transformer-type character, only in couch form.

"Ar-ar-are you a g-g-g-g-goood Transformer or a bad one?", asked Link.

"Are you Porky or some random p-p-p-pig?", asked the Couch Transformer.

"I'm not Porky", said Link.

"Then I shall kill you", said the Couch Transformer as it's arm transormed into an electric chainsaw. Link and Strangepork ran the other way. As they ran past a book shelf, a giant bat crashed it's way past the bookshef. Link and Strangepork screamed when the bat suddenly appeared, and right as they screamed at the bat, a mix of Psyco and Jaws music started playing.

"Where's that music comming from?", asked Dr. Strangepork.

"Oh, I've been tired of the same old doorbell sound", said the Giant Bat, "So I changed the sound that it makes to music from two of my all-time favorite movies. Why don't you answer the door?"

"Oh, no", said Link, "We've had nothing but bad people ringing our doorbell tonight!"

Then a loud knock was heard at the door. The person at the door screamed, "LET US INSIDE NOW!!!"

"Hey, that voice sounds familiar", said Link.

"Yeah", said Dr. Strangepork, "It sounds like Piggy". The psyco/ jaws-sounding doorbell rang again.

Dr. Strangepork went to the door, and sure enough, it was Miss Piggy, along with Kermit the Frog.

"Piggy! Kermit! What are you two doing here?", asked Dr. Strangepork.

"Well, another one of our gigs got cancled again, so we figured with the extra time we could keep you and Link company", said Kermit.

"Or we could throw you and Link out so that Kermie and Moi can have a romantic evening together said Miss Piggy.

"And you actually came to visit us at this hour of the night?", asked Dr. Strangepork.

"What are you talking about", asked Kermit, who picked up his stop watch and said, "It's only eleven o'clock".

Dr. Strangepork looked at the time clock and added, "Your watch must be three hours behind".

Kermit thought for a moment, and then said "Oh, yeah, I forgot about having to set my clock back three hours".

Before anybody could say anything else, the giant bat, the giant spider, the other spiders, and couch transformer all suddenly appeared.

"What the...?", asked Kermit, who was shocked over all of the scarryness.

"Oh, you've gotta help us!", cried Link, "They've been after us all night!"

"Moi can take care of this", said Miss Piggy, who then started karate-chopping all of the scary creatures.

"Ugh!", said the transformer, "You fight like a girl!"

"Moi am a girl", said Miss Piggy as she punched the transformer in the face.

"I can't stand all this violence", said Kermit.

Miss Piggy was succeeding with fighting the inhabitants of the haunted house, but then the large bat grabbed Miss Piggy and put it into a headlock, defeating her.

"Oh, no!", shouted Link, "He's defeating Miss Piggy! We're DOOMED!"

"Quiet!", said the bat, "I'm not an enemey. I'm Jenkins, the butler. I was having so much funat the bar that I forgot all about the fact that the house was having visitors."

"Oh, zat's a relief!", said Dr. Strangepork, but then the Giant Spider grabbed hold of the bat. Miss Piggy got out of her head lock, and as the spider was attacking the bat, Kermit, Piggy, Link, and Strangepork all ran up the stairs. The smaller spiders were chasing them, and as soon as the giant spider could suck like out of the bat, he joined the other spiders.

Kermit, Miss Piggy, Link, and Strangepork all ran up the stairs, untill they hit a step that suddenly broke, causing them all to fall underneath the stairway...

 

[minor muppetz]

Chapter 7

The stairs broke, and Link, Dr. Strangepork, Miss Piggy, and Kermit all fell through. They landed in a dark basement. There were a lot of lit candles, so it wasn't entirely dark.

"Wow!", thought Link, "I didn't even know there was a basement here!"

Just then, they heard some thunder.

"It must be raining", said Dr. Strangepork.

But before anybody else could say anything, the spiders all jumped down into the basement. The giant spider was the last one to jump, but he landed on some of the spiders, accidently squashing them. He looked underneath himself, embarrassed.

"Oh, my god!", moaned the giant spider, "I killed Kenny, Lenny, Benny, Aeon, Dave, and Thomas!"

"Oh, yuck, spiders", said Miss Piggy, "I'll take care of them!", and then she started attacking them.

"Wow, she's really good", said Link, "I wonder why I didn't think about inviting her!"

"Well, we've gotta find a way out of here", said Kermit, "I don't see any latters or stairs in this room".

Miss Piggy then gave the giant spider and the other spiders one big karate chop, sednign them all flying in the other direction and hitting the wall. The couch transformer then jumped down into the basement, near where the spiders were.

"Prepare to die!", said the transformer, when all of a sudden, a subway crashed through the wall and ran over the transformer and the spiders, killing them all.

"We're saved!", said Link.

"I vouldn't count on it", said Dr. Strangepork, "We don't know who's in that subway."

The subway door opened, and out came the cake dough monster.

"I'm ba-aaa-aaa--aaaaack!", said the monster, "And you lied! There was no bathroom in the ocean! I had to take the subway!"

"Oh, I'm sorry", said Dr. Strangepork.

"Did you decide to take the subway diet?", asked Miss Piggy.

"Anyway, I am here to finish what I started!", said the monster.

"Well, you may start with Miss Piggy", said Kermit.

"Why I'd outta.....", said Miss Piggy, raising her left fist at Kermit.

"Wait a minute...", said the monster, "You're Miss Piggy?"

"Yes", said Miss Piggy, "Do vous want an autograph?"

"Of course not!", said the monster, "I've just heard soem scary things about you at the subway. I'm scared to death of you!"

The monster then got inside the subway and made it move back the other way, running away from Miss Piggy.

"Well I hope that we've gotten rid of all monsters, spiders, and other scary creatures", said Kermit.

But then thunder stoke again. And they all decided to find a way back upstairs.

"Could dis be a stairway", wondered Dr. Strangepork, who opened a door, only to find a closet, "Nope".

"Maybe this door will lead us upstairs", thought Link, who opened the door and saw a girl scout.

"Would you like to buy some prunes?", asked the girl scout.

"Noooooo!!!", said Link, who slammed the door.

Kermit then noticed that there was an elevador door in the basement.

"Hey, I think I've found a way out for us!", said Kermit, pointing to the elevador.

"That's funy", said Dr. Strangepork, "I never noticed an elevador in any of the top floors."

Link pressed the up button, but they had to wait for it to open. As they were waiting, Kermit turned around and saw a ghost floating around them.

"Uh...uh, h-h-h-hey, guys..." stuttered Kermit, "Th-there's a gh-gh-ghost!"

They all turned around, and saw the ghost. They all screamed and pushed the elevador button harder.