Harvey Kneeslapper's Barber Shop Gag renewed

[mikealan]

OK, I'm going to post the newer version of the 5-part sketch with Harvey Kneeslapper. This may have happened sometime during the third or fourth season.

 

[mikealan]

Part 1

(Harvey Kneeslapper is wearing a white barber jacket, disguised as a barber. He wears his regular clothes under the jacket, laughing behind an orange-colored background. On the background, there is the sign that says “HARVEY KNEESLAPPER’S BARBER SHOP.”)

Harvey Kneeslapper: (laughing hysterically and then to the viewer) Oh, hi there! Harvey Kneeslapper here and I’ve got this great practical joke for you today! (giggles) I’ve opened up my own barber shop here and here’s what I’m gonna do this time with any customer. (giggles) OK, when some customer tells me if he or she wants a haircut, I cut all of his or her hair out with my scissors here, so after I cut all of the customer’s hair, (laughing) his or her head will be all bald!
(Fat Blue, wearing a suit walks by)
Harvey Kneeslapper: Wait! Here comes a person now. I’ll do him this time. (To Fat Blue) Oh, ‘scuze me, hey would you like a new haircut? (laughing)
Fat Blue: Would I? Oh, I’d love to have one, but make it short.
Harvey Kneeslapper: OK, stand still as I am about to cut your hair…(giggling)
(Harvey is now cutting Fat Blue’s hair)
Fat Blue: Wait, that’s the perfect haircut for me…you don’t have to cut anymore…HEY! What are you doing?
(Harvey ignores him and now shaves Fat Blue’s moustache)
Harvey Kneeslapper: There! Now you look perfect! (laughing)
(Fat Blue’s head is now bald, no hair. He now has angry eyes and his moustache has been shaved off.)
Fat Blue: Harvey, how can you think I’M perfect?
Harvey Kneeslapper: Well, you can go out without all of your hair! (laughing)
Fat Blue: Well, Harvey, you did the wrong thing for me. You cut off all of my hair…. and my moustache. I’m bald. Now, nobody will like my haircut! And you know what? (begins to lose temper and say bad words, yelling) YOU MADE MY HEAD BALD, YOU FUNNY-EYED FREAK!!!
Harvey Kneeslapper: Aw, don’t worry! It’ll grow back soon enough. By the way, I’m waiting for the next customer to work on a different haircut, so enjoy your BALD cut! (laughing hysterically and exits)
(ending music)
Fat Blue: (screaming) AAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

 

[mikealan]

Part 2

(Harvey Kneeslapper is still wearing a barber jacket behind the same orange-colored background with the sign.)

Harvey Kneeslapper: (giggling and laughing) Hi! Harvey Kneeslapper here again, and this time, you’re about to see me doing a new haircut with a new customer today! (giggles) OK, this time, whenever he or she wants a haircut, I know his or her haircut will be bald again, but this time, (laughing) I put a banana peel on his or her head! (a Pumpkin Anything Muppet lady walks by) Oh, by the way, here comes someone now. (giggling) I’ll do her this time. Oh, this is gonna be good. (to lady) Uh, hi there! Welcome to the barber shop! You need a haircut? (giggling hard)
Pumpkin Anything Muppet Lady: Yes, I do need a haircut. My hair is so long that I can’t do anything with it.
Harvey Kneeslapper: OK. Sit down as I am preparing to cut your hair. (begins to cut the lady’s hair) Snip, snip, snip. Snip, snip, snip.
Pumpkin Anything Muppet Lady: Wait. Hold it. Stop. That’s what I want.
(Harvey ignores her and keeps cutting her hair.)
Harvey Kneeslapper: Snip, snip, snip. Snip, snip, snip.
Pumpkin Anything Muppet Lady: What are you doing? I told you to stop!
(Harvey finishes cutting the lady’s hair. Her head is now bald and Harvey puts a banana peel on her head.)
Harvey Kneeslapper: There! You look beautiful! (laughing)
Pumpkin Anything Muppet Lady: (screaming) AAAAAAARRRGGGGGHHHHHH! I’M UGLY!!! LOOK AT MY HEAD!!! IT’S BALD!!!
Harvey Kneeslapper: Bald? You’re not bald! You have a banana peel on your head!
Pumpkin Anything Muppet Lady: (screaming) WHAT???!!!
Harvey Kneeslapper: That’s right! You’re not bald! Why won’t you have a nice day then. I’ve got another customer coming up. (exits laughing)
(ending music)
Pumpkin Anything Muppet Lady: *growl* (runs off to chase Harvey)

 

[mikealan]

Part 3

(Harvey Kneeslapper is still wearing a white barber jacket under his regular clothes, laughing so hard. Same background and sign as in parts 1 and 2.)

Harvey Kneeslapper: (to the viewer) Oh hi there! You remember me snipping out some customers’ hair, right? Well, right now, whenever I see green people, I ask him or her if he or she needs a haircut, and then, I cut his or her hair out, so when I put some Christmas ornaments here on their heads, (laughing very hard) their heads will be like Christmas trees! (a Green Anything Muppet man walks by) Wait! There’s a green guy now! I’ll try him this time. (giggles a little) Oh, I can’t wait to do this. (clears throat, to Green AM man) Oh, hi sir.
Green Anything Muppet Man: Huh?
Harvey Kneeslapper: Hey, uh, would you like a haircut?
Green Anything Muppet Man: Say it again?
Harvey Kneeslapper: I say, would you like a haircut? (giggling)
Green Anything Muppet Man: Sure!
Harvey Kneeslapper: All right! Stand still as I am about to cut your hair…(removes Green Anything Muppet man’s hat and cuts all of his hair. Puts some small Christmas ornaments on Green Anything Muppet man’s head.) Here you are, bright as new, with your NEW CHRISTMAS TREE HEAD!!! (laughing very hard)
Green Anything Muppet Man: (feeling hurt, with some ornaments on his bald head) Well, that really hurts my feelings and you turn my head into a Christmas tree! I can’t wear this now! It’s not Christmas yet! So you know what? (yelling, at Harvey) I ONLY LIKE CHRISTMAS TREE CUTS WHEN IT’S CHRISTMAS!!! YOU UNDERSTAND?
Harvey Kneeslapper: Oh, well, your hair will grow back soon. Don’t worry. Just have fun with it and have yourself a MERRY CHRISTMAS!! (laughs very hard)
(Green Anything Muppet man gets annoyed and walks away from him. Harvey Kneeslapper’s Mother, the Large-Lavender Live Hand Muppet, which is kind of like Harvey Kneeslapper, but with no moustache, no teeth, curly hair, eyebrows and angry eyes enters.)
Harvey Kneeslapper’s Mother: Harvey Kneeslapper!
Harvey Kneeslapper: Mother? What are you doing here?
Harvey Kneeslapper’s Mother: I saw what you did that was inappropriate.
Harvey Kneeslapper: What’s that?
Harvey Kneeslapper’s Mother: You made some bad haircuts for the customers!
Harvey Kneeslapper: Oh, don’t get upset, mother, I’ll give you a nice haircut…(starts cutting most of his mother’s hair)
Harvey Kneeslapper’s Mother: Hey! Watch it! What are you doing?
(Harvey ignores her and has finished cutting her hair. Her head is now like Harvey Kneeslapper’s Father’s.)
Harvey Kneeslapper: There! Now your haircut is nice! (laughs very hard)
Harvey Kneeslapper’s Mother: (with her head that looks like Harvey Kneeslapper’s Father’s) That’s not very nice and that’s not very funny! Not funny at all! Oh, you made me just like your father! (starts crying)
Harvey Kneeslapper: Oh, don’t worry, mother, your hair will grow back. (starts patting Harvey Kneeslapper’s Mother’s shoulder.)
(Harvey Kneeslapper’s Father enters)
Harvey Kneeslapper’s Father: Harvey Kneeslapper!
Harvey Kneeslapper: Yes, father?
Harvey Kneeslapper’s Father: What have you done to your mother?
Harvey Kneeslapper’s Mother: Oh, honey, my terrible son has made a cut that looks like yours!
Harvey Kneeslapper’s Father: Yes, and Harvey…
Harvey Kneeslapper: Yes?
Harvey Kneeslapper’s Father: Take off that ridiculous jacket! You’re not a real barber at all!
Harvey Kneeslapper: Oh, pop, I wanna keep my barber shop open, but don’t worry. I can make your cut different than my mother’s! (giggling)
Harvey Kneeslapper’s Father: Harvey, that’s not very funny!
(Harvey ignores him and just draws “YOU STINK!” on top of his father’s head with a blue Sharpee marker)
Harvey Kneeslapper: (laughing, to the viewer) I’VE GOT THEM! I’VE GOT THEM! (ending music, leaves laughing hysterically)
Harvey Kneeslapper’s Father: (realizes that he has Harvey’s handwriting on his head) Oh, no…
Harvey Kneeslapper’s Mother: What’s the matter, honey?
Harvey Kneeslapper’s Father: My son wrote “YOU STINK” on top of my head!
Harvey Kneeslapper’s Mother: Well, that’s not very nice for him!

 

[mikealan]

Part 4

(Harvey Kneeslapper is still wearing his same white barber jacket under his regular clothes, giggling hard. Same background and sign as in parts 1, 2 and 3.)

Harvey Kneeslapper: (to the viewer) Hi there! You’re here just in time to see me do some different haircuts for a couple of my favorite customers! (giggling) I can’t wait to work on this! (Prairie Dawn walks by) Oh, here comes Prairie Dawn. She’s my favorite little girl. I’ll try to ask her for a haircut. (To Prairie) Oh, hi there, little girl.
Prairie Dawn: Who, me?
Harvey Kneeslapper: Yeah, you. Would you like to have a new haircut? (giggling hard)
Prairie Dawn: Would I? Oh, I certainly would like to have one. You see, my hair is quite a bit long and I’d like to make it short.
Harvey Kneeslapper: Oh, sorry little girl, but you’ll have to be like a boy.
Prairie Dawn: WHAT?!?
Harvey Kneeslapper: That’s right! (giggling) Stand still! I’m gonna cut your hair to make you like a boy.
Prairie Dawn: Oh, no! When are you going to do that?
Harvey Kneeslapper: Right now! (cuts most of Prairie’s hair and her head is now like a boy) (laughing very hard)
Prairie Dawn: Eeeeeeek! I’m like a boy! You cut most of my hair!
Harvey Kneeslapper: I know. But don’t worry, it’ll grow in just a couple of weeks! (laughing very hard)
Prairie Dawn: A couple of weeks?!? Ohhhhhh….my head….oh….(to Harvey) I hate you! You made my head look like a boy! Ohhh….I’m ugly! Ohhhh…(leaves sadly)
Harvey Kneeslapper: See? That was so much fun! (giggling hard) I’ve made Prairie look like a boy! (laughing hard again)
(Little Jerry walks by)
Harvey Kneeslapper: Hey, are you the famous singer, Little Jerry?
Little Jerry: Yes I am!
Harvey Kneeslapper: Hey, your timing is perfect. Would you like a new haircut?
Little Jerry: Yes! I’d love to have one!
Harvey Kneeslapper: OK! (cuts most of Little Jerry’s hair. He now makes it spiky.) There you go. You are the spiky-haired lead singer of “Little Jerry & the Monotones”, Spiky Jerry.
Little Jerry: (starts getting upset and lose temper) SPIKY JERRY? YOU CALL ME SPIKY JERRY? THAT’S NOT VERY NICE OF YOU AND I AIN’T COMING BACK HERE AGAIN!!!! (leaves angrily)
Harvey Kneeslapper: (to the viewer) I’VE GOT HIM!!! (laughing very hard)
(Guy Smiley enters)
Guy Smiley: Hello there, Mr. Harvey Kneeslapper. I am everybody’s favorite game-show host, Guy Smiley, and I’m here to have my haircut!
Harvey Kneeslapper: You’re having one? Why that’s great!
Guy Smiley: What’s so great about that?
Harvey Kneeslapper: It’s that I’m gonna make your head look like a high school senior! (giggling)
Guy Smiley: No, I’d like to have my nice haircut…
Harvey Kneeslapper: Well, you can’t have it!
Guy Smiley: But why not?
Harvey Kneeslapper: I won’t tell you why.
Guy Smiley: Well, that’s not very nice!
Harvey Kneeslapper: Oh, so I’m just gonna make your hair like a high school senior right now. (begins to cut a bit of Guy’s hair. He gives him a Caesar cut and his style now looks like a high school senior.)
Guy Smiley: Wait! What are you doing? You supposed to make me have a nice haircut!
Harvey Kneeslapper: (ignoring him, begins to cut part of Guy’s hair on his back.) Snip, snip, snip. Snip, snip, snip. (finishes cutting Guy’s hair) All right! You’re all set to go to high school with your NEW haircut! (as he finishes cutting Guy’s hair, Guy’s head now looks like a high school senior, possibly like somebody you know from the Class of 2006 of Valley Stream North High School.)
Guy Smiley: (getting angry) You call THIS a NEW haircut?
Harvey Kneeslapper: Yes and you’ll be as popular as other high school kids! (laughing wildly)
Guy Smiley: Harvey Kneeslapper, (screaming) YOU MADE ME LOOK LIKE A HIGH SCHOOL KID!!! I’VE FINISHED SCHOOL ALREADY!!! THAT MAKES ME REALLY ANGRY THAT MY STUDIO AUDIENCE WILL LAUGH AT MY HEAD!!!
(Cookie Monster enters)
Cookie Monster: Dum de dum de dum. (notices that Guy looks like a high school kid) Hey, Mr. Smiley! Nice hair cut! Look like you are some kid in high school!
Guy Smiley: (screaming at Cookie) SHUT UP!!!
Harvey Kneeslapper: Hey, Cookie Monster, would you like a new haircut? (giggling)
Cookie Monster: No. Me do not have hair. Me have blue fur but me do not need fur cut. So long. (leaves)
Guy Smiley: (yelling) Harvey Kneeslapper! You made me look like a high school senior! I should quit hosting game-shows!
Harvey Kneeslapper: Aww, don’t worry. You’ll just take a couple of vacation weeks.
Guy Smiley: Oh yeah? Well, you are lucky that I am not your friend! Now, I’ll be everybody’s wittiest game-show host in America, so good-bye! (leaves angrily)
(Big Bird walks by, behind a brick wall)
Big Bird: Hi Harvey Kneeslapper, I see that you’ve got your own barber shop here.
Harvey Kneeslapper: That’s right and would you like to have a new haircut?
Big Bird: I’m sorry. I don’t have any hair and I’ve got over 4,000 feathers all over my body and I don’t need my feather cut. My feathers always helped me stay warm. By the way, I’m too big to have one! Bye-bye now. I must go meet my best friend Mr. Snuffleupagus. (leaves)
Harvey Kneeslapper: Well, at least I’ve done Prairie Dawn, Little Jerry and Guy Smiley’s haircuts! (laughing wildly) And this eight-foot tall canary right there is meeting his imaginary best friend? (laughing wildly again) Oh, that’s hilarious! Oh, and I’ve also done some other customers’ haircuts too, and by the way…(giggles as a Lavender Anything Muppet man walks by) there’s another person walking by. I’ll try to ask him if he needs one. (To Lavender Anything Muppet man) Oh, hi there customer!
Lavender Anything Muppet Man: Huh?
Harvey Kneeslapper: Hey, uh, would you like to have a new haircut?
Lavender Anything Muppet Man: What say?
Harvey Kneeslapper: I say, would you like to have a new haircut?
Lavender Anything Muppet Man: Well, sure, yeah.
Harvey Kneeslapper: All right! Stand still! (begins to cut most of the Lavender Anything Muppet’s hair around his edge.) Snip snip snip. Snip snip snip. Snip snip snip. Snip snip snip. Snip snip snip. (puts the tattoo of the man mowing the lawn with a lawn mower on top of the Lavender Anything Muppet man’s head and finishes cutting his hair.) OK! Now you’re all set for your new cut! (laughing wildly)
(As Harvey finished cutting the Lavender Anything Muppet man’s hair, he now has a tattoo on his head)
Lavender Anything Muppet Man: Oh, no! You cut most of my hair! And I’ve got a tattoo on my head too! Now what am I going to do with my tattooed head?
Harvey Kneeslapper: Well, I don’t know, but why won’t you go have some fresh air and relax.
Lavender Anything Muppet Man: But my hair! Most of it is gone! And I can’t go out with a tattoo!
Harvey Kneeslapper: Most of your hair is gone? Oh, it’ll grow back.
Lavender Anything Muppet Man: But how long will it take?
Harvey Kneeslapper: For a little over three weeks. (giggling) So have fun with your tattoo!! (laughing wildly and exits)
(ending music)
Lavender Anything Muppet Man: (begins to get upset and annoyed, screaming) AAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

 

[mikealan]

Part 5

(Harvey Kneeslapper is still wearing his same white barber jacket under his regular clothes, giggling hard. Same background and sign as in parts 1, 2, 3 and 4.)


Harvey Kneeslapper: (to the viewer) Oh, remember me? I’m the barber the customers will hate! (giggling) I love getting hated by customers! (the Lavender Live-Hand Anything Muppet man in a red shirt with brown hair, eyes, pink nose, moustache and a tongue, possibly like the one from the “Gimme 5” sketch enters, humming) Oh, here comes another one now. (to Lavender Live-Hand Anything Muppet) Hey, would you like a free haircut?
Lavender Live-Hand Anything Muppet Man: What’cha say?
Harvey Kneeslapper: (giggling) Oh, I say would you like a free haircut?
Lavender Live-Hand Anything Muppet Man: Uh, OK.
Harvey Kneeslapper: Alright! (cuts all of the Lavender Live-Hand Anything Muppet man’s hair) There you go. A bald man.
Lavender Live-Hand Anything Muppet Man: BALD? (laughing so hard and leaves)
Harvey Kneeslapper: (pause) Oh….no….
(Officer Stan (from the “Golden AN” sketch) enters)
Officer Stan: Mr. Kneeslapper, you will have to come with me for ruining all of the customers’ haircuts and they don’t like them at all.
Harvey Kneeslapper: WHAT?! You-you gotta be kiddin’…(sighs and faints)
Officer Stan: Come on. Get up. Go on. Let’s go.
(Fat Blue, Green, Pumpkin and Lavender AM’s, Prairie Dawn, Guy Smiley, Little Jerry and Harvey Kneeslapper’s parents, the customers who disliked their haircuts enter and blow raspberries right at Harvey and the ending music from the “Invisible Ice Cream Cone” sketch plays)
Officer Stan: (to Harvey) Are you going to jail, or not?

 

[TotallySpiesFan]

I kinda like the old version better.

 

[LittleJerry92]

Lol Spikey Jerry.