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Gonzo’s Origins:
A Fairy Tale Beginning
A Fairy Tale Beginning
Once upon a time— which is a fine way to start a story such as this, if I do say so myself—there was a beautiful, old castle left over from the years of old when castles were a fitting establishment to live in. Well, not everyone thought castles were an inappropriate dwelling, and so this is where the good (pompous), generous (stingy), beloved (behated) King Goshposh “set up shop.”
“Ah, yes,” King Goshposh said, “This is indeed a fine establishment in which to set up shop!”
By “shop,” the King simply meant he would live there, but he used odd little phrases like that all the time (the ol’ windbag!). And so, the King did live there. He lived in the old castle high on the hill with his darling wife (who’s unimportant to the story as this will be only mention of her) and his beautiful daughter, the good (really! She is!) Princess Alana. Alana was sweet, kind, and a knockout! She loved being out of doors, working in the garden, playing with the animals. She loved and had a great appreciation for all of nature.
One day, Princess Alana was out in the garden when she thought she may have spotted something unusual. Something different that would not have typically been found in a garden. It was sort of shaped like a potato, but it wasn’t a potato… That is, not unless potatoes move. And are furry. And have eyes. Well, potatoes do have eyes, so she thought maybe it was just a furry, mutant potato. She shrugged and resumed her work. But the potato moved closer to her. It moved closer and closer (Yes, even closer). She thought, Hmm. Perhaps I should be worried here.
Finally, deciding a mutant potato shouldn’t have such an interest in her, she hit it with a shovel.
“Ow!” the potato cried out.
“Wait,” Alana said, “Mutant potatoes can’t talk!”
“That’s because I’m not a mutant potato!” the potato—er, creature replied. “I have a name!”
“A name? Mutant potatoes don’t have names!” The Princess was sweet, but not always bright.
“I’m not a potato!” the creature again proclaimed. “I’m a Lump!”
Yes, a Lump. Lumps were from the other side of the tracks, the Kingdom’s inhabitants which were shunned and reviled, hated and despised, and not too much cared for in general. And there was no good reason for it. Well, except for that fact that Lumps were grumps, but that’s just how they are. You’d be depressed to if you were always mixed up with mutant potatoes. But, the Lumps were indeed shaped like very large, lumpy potatoes. They were covered in fur, had two tiny, protruding hands, bulging, depressed looking eyes, and their faces were typically graced with a rather unusually large, hooked nose.
Princess Alana was immediately intrigued with this creature. She’d never met a Lump before. After all, Princesses lead rather sheltered lives, yes? She and the Lump quickly formed an inexplicable bond, and soon they fell in love with one another. Even the Princess was shocked by this, though. She couldn’t believe it! She was in love with a Lump! This was definitely not kosher. Papa Goshposh will be furious, she thought.
Or would he? Why should he ever have to know? The Princess and the Lump would keep their love hidden, meeting at secret rendezvous points under the cover of darkness.
This relationship bloomed as a secret kept from both families. As bad as it was for a Princess to love a Lump, a Lump was supposed to be a grump. Imagine a Lump falling in love! It’s unheard of! Appalling! “Dump’s are dumps, pumps are pumps, but Lumps,” said father Lump, “are grumps! Lumps don’t jumps! Lumps don’t have bumps! Lumps don’t play games involving trumps! No, Lumps are grumps.” Father Lump was an odd one.
But this Lump was not a grump. He was happy. Truly happy. He’d never known anyone who would treat him as Alana had. And so, when the time was right, they were secretly married in one of those cheap chapels in Vegas. They lived together in a little shack just outside of the Kingdom, on the corner of Burns and Allen. Pretty soon (nine months soon), their happy little family grew. Alana gave birth to a funny looking, but beaming, beautiful (to them) baby boy.
“It’s ugly,” the Lump said.
“He’s wonderful,” the Princess said.
“What’ll we call it?”
“I don’t know. What do Lumps name their children?”
“Lump.”
They debated a while, until finally they settled on the name… Gonzo. It was unusual, but they were unusual. And the family lived happily ever after.
That is, until thirty minutes later when King Goshposh finally heard of their marriage. His sneaky, assistant Featherstone had known when it first happened, but was finally able to weasel twenty bucks out of the King to give up the information. The King was furious! He ordered their immediate arrest.
“Bring those two side-winding traitors before me,” the King demanded.
The Princess heard of this order. Fearing for her newborn child, one night she wrapped him in his favorite blanket and ran. She ran all through the night to the countryside, desperate to hide the young Gonzo from being captured by her father’s henchmen. However, she soon discovered that they were already on her trail. Desperate, lost and confused, she hid her son in a tiny, little house. It was too dark to tell exactly what it was, but it was also too late. The King’s men had caught her, and were dragging her back to the castle. She waved goodbye to her young one, tears streaming down her face.
Princess Alana and the Lump were brought before the King. Shamed for eternity, they were sentenced to life in the dungeon.
The next morning, farmer Jim went out to the hen house to check on his chickens. He did this every day, first thing in the morning. There he was met with a surprise.
“Dadgum!” He shouted. “A little… weirdo!”
Yes, there was little Gonzo, chasing the chickens.
The good farmer lifted Gonzo up and brought him into his house where he and his wife raised the little guy. As he grew up, Gonzo helped feed the chickens and take care of them. He even dated a few of them!
As for the Princess and the Lump, their sentence didn’t last forever. Twenty years later, King Goshposh was overthrown and all of his prisoners were released. The Princess and the Lump were free at last, and moved into a little ranch house in the suburbs. One night, while watching television, they were greeted with a wonderful surprise. Their son had become a famous daredevil on The Muppet Show. They watched happily as he ate a rubber tire to “The Flight of the Bumblebee.” They wouldn’t live to be reacquainted with their beloved son, but were they ever proud of…
THE GREAT GONZO!
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