Gaffer Gets a Fan Fic

[minor muppetz]

Enjoy this fan fic, centering around Gaffer!

This story is dedicated to the memory of Jerry Nelson (though none of his characters will be particularly prominient in this story).


Chapter 1

Kermit went on-stage to introduce yet another installment of The Muppet Show.

“Welcome again to The Muppet Show. Usually we have a special guest star, but unfortunately tonight we don’t. But to make up for that, here is something we usually do have, an opening number!”

The curtain raised and three whatnot thugs sang “Private Eyes”. The three thugs sang and after each verse each thug turned their heads to the side in a suspicious manner. And then their number got interrupted by a chase between Gaffer and Rizzo.

“Hey! Good kitty, go away, kitty!”, yelled Rizzo.

One of the thugs grabbed Rizzo by the neck, another grabbed Gaffer by the neck.

“Hey!”, said the thug who grabbed Gaffer by the neck, “you two are ruining our song!”

Gaffer proceeded to very violently scratch the thug, making him run from Gaffer, screaming.

“Private eyes may be watching you”, said Statler.

“But we’re not!”, said Waldorf.

Sam the Eagle came on-stage.

“That opening number had an accident”, said Sam, “but how can two numbers in a row have an accident? Considering that, here is the most cultural act we could get, Wayne and Wanda!”

The curtains raised and the duo began singing “Day by Day”.

Then Gaffer came on-stage, hissing at them.

“Hey, what’s wrong with you?”, asked Wayne.

Gaffer continued hissing.

“What does this song have to do with a cat hissing?”, asked Wanda.

Gaffer gave them an angry meow, and then bit Wayne on the hand.

“Ow! Ow! Ow!”

“I’m leaving the stage before I get injured”, said Wanda.

Gaffer proceeded to jump at Wanda, pushing her off the stage.

Backstage…

“That crazy cat has been acting strange all evening”, said Kermit, “maybe I should bring on something that cat can’t possibly ruin. Gonzo, you’re on next!”

Kermit came on-stage.

“And now here’s The Great G….”

Gaffer came up and started rubbing it’s head against Kermit.

“Hey, I’m making trying to make an introduction here!”

“Meow!”

“Ladies and gentlemen, Gonzo the Great!”

Gonzo had quite the set-up. A big J-shaped ramp, Gonzo was on the very high end, on a skateboard.

“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Tonight, I will skateboard down this ramp, fly up in the air, and land back here on my head! All this to the music of Mozart! Music, please!”

And some Mozart music played as Gonzo skateboarded down the loop. He went up in the air, but when he was about to land, Gaffer was laying on his spot.

“Hey, cat, go away!”, said Gonzo.

Gonzo landed on Gaffer and the whole set-up collapsed.

“I wish I could take a break from playing the piano”, said Rowlf, “I’m missing out on chasing the cat!”

“Hey, will somebody throw that cat out of the theater?”, yelled Kermit.

Gaffer then got thrown out of the theater, into a dumpster.

“And stay out, you worthless cat!”, yelled the deep-voiced stagehand.

Gaffer peeked out the dumpster at the theater, looking sad. Gaffer crawled out of the dumpster and went to the stage door, scratching at the door and meowing sadly.

Two cats who were watching approached Gaffer. One was a short (though still taller than Gaffer, about Rowlf’s size), fat cat with his right arm in a sling, the other was a taller, slim cat on stilts.

“Well, once again the Muppets throw out an innocent cat that hangs around the theater”, said the fat cat.

“This has been happening for a long time”, said the tall cat.

“So what’s your name?”, asked the fat cat.

“Meow”, said Gaffer.

“Hello, Gaffer”, said the fat cat, “I’m Olive, and this is Bad Breath.”

“I’m allergic to tick tacks”, said Bad Breath.

“So are you a boy or a girl?”, asked Olive.

“Meow”, said Gaffer.

“I should have known”, said Olive.

 

[minor muppetz]

Chapter 2

Olive, Bad Breath, and Gaffer were all seated around a fire at a junkyard.

“Believe it or not, Gaffer, the Muppet Theater has had many cats who hung around and got kicked out”, said Olive.

“Meow?”, said Gaffer.

“Who’s Catgut?”, said Olive.

“I remember when I was part of the theater”, said Bad Breath, I hung out in the canteen, eating the food. But they didn’t like me eating their food, and also hated my breath. The Swedish Chef almost cooked me once, or was it twice?”

“I was there before Bad Breath was”, said Olive, “I hung out in the prop room, but got kicked out for playing with the props too much. I may have damaged important props and set pieces, but I’ve got to be me.”

Gaffer meowed in agreement.

“We’ve even heard the legend of one cat who hung out at the Muppet Theater many years ago”, said Olive, “He was called Metallic. The Muppets tolerated Metallic, but then Dr. Bunsen Honeydew used him in an experiment, his behavior went bonkers, and he refused to be kicked out.”

“To the point where he supposedly vaporized himself!”, said Bad Breath.

“And it’s rumored that Metallic faked his own death and is still around, just waiting to get revenge on the Muppets”, said Olive.

“Meow”, said Gaffer.

“What do you mean you’ve never heard this legend?”, asked Olive.

“Say, Olive”, said Bad Breath, “maybe we could all work together and get revenge on the Muppets ourselves.”

“Nah”, said Olive, “If Metallic is indeed still alive plotting to destroy the Muppets, he might kill us for beating him to the glory.”

“Sorry I suggested it”, said Bad Breath.

“Well, it’s to be expected”, said Olive, “you are stupid after all.”

They all looked at the fire for a few seconds.

“Hey, I’ve got it!”, said Olive, “we’ll sabotage the Muppet theater ourselves!”

“But what if Metallic is real and kills us for beating him to the punch?”, asked Bad Breath.

“That’ll never happen”, said Olive, “chances are that’s only a legend.”

“Gee, you sure are smart, Olive”, said Bad Breath.

Gaffer looked in disbelief.

“And I’ve got the best idea!”, said Olive.

Soon, they were in the alley behind the theater.

“Okay, Bad Breath, open the stage door slightly and put that end of the hose at the bottom”, said Olive.

“Oh, this is a good plan. This is a good plan.”

“Gaffer, Bad Breath, follow me”, said Olive.

They went to a nearby building.

“This is a big barrel of nitroglycerin”, said Olive, “I’ll turn the handle, leaking nitroglycerin out into the theater.”

“That sounds like a smart plan, boss”, said Bad Breath.

“Don’t open your mouth so close to my face!”, said Olive, “Now, let’s put on our goggles, and I’ll turn the handle.

Olive turned the handle, but instead of nitroglycerin leaking out, the barrel exploded and the building imploded on them.

“I can’t believe this building didn’t even fall over onto the theater”, said Oliver.

“I can’t believe you have imposable thumbs for turning”, said Bad Breath.

“Shut up, stupid!”, said Olive.

They witnessed Statler and Waldorf leaving the theater.

“That was another terrible show”, said Waldorf.

“But at least we got to avoid the in-laws”, said Statler.

“Meow”, said Gaffer.

“What’s your idea, Gaffer?”, asked Olive.

Cut to next week, they came to the theater, sitting up in the balcony. Olive came dressed as Waldorf, Bad Breath dressed as Statler.

“These disguises are great”, said Bad Breath.

Gaffer popped out of a small bag they brought.

“I can’t believe we fooled them”, said Olive.

“I still can’t believe you had the imposable thumbs for turning a handle”, said Bad Breath.

They watched for a minute.

“So, how do we go about sabotaging the Muppets?”, asked Olive.

“I have no idea”, said Bad Breath.

“You would”, said Olive.

 

[minor muppetz]

Chapter 3

Kermit and Beauregard went out back, taking out some of the trash.

“How did I, the host of the show, end up with garbage duty?”, asked Kermit.

“Scooter’s uncle owns the theater”, said Beauregard.

“Oh, right”, said Kermit.

They then saw Statler and Waldorf tied up in the alley.

“Hey, what’s going on?”, said Kermit.

“Looks like they’re tied up”, said Beauregard.

“I can see that”, said Kermit, “but I saw them up in the balcony.”

Fozzie then came out.

“Hey, I’ve got a great j…..”, Fozzie then saw the two tied up, “So that explains why they didn’t heckle my act.”

“It explains why they didn’t heckle any of tonight’s acts at all”, said Kermit, “Send security to check on the impostors.”

Meanwhile, the impostors were enjoying the show.

“This is so enjoyable”, said Bad Breath, “I can’t remember why we came here.”

“Me, neither”, said Olive, “but I’m having a great time!”

“Meow”, said Gaffer.

“Oh, yeah”, said Olive, “that’s why we came.”

Bobo then showed up behind them.

“Excuse me”, said Bobo, “I’m gonna have to investigate you all.”

“The jig is up!”, said a shocked Olive, “Jump and run!”

They all jumped out of the balcony.

“Hmm, they must be cats”, said Bobo, “they landed on their feet.”

Soon, they were back at the junkyard.

“Phew!”, said Olive, “I was sure we’d get thrown out and beaten.”

“Meow”, said Gaffer.

“I know we cowarded out before anyone could catch us”, said Olive, “we are scaredy cats after all.”

They walked by what looked like a cave made of trash piles.

“Oh, this junkyard is starting to smell bad”, said Bad Breath.

“It’s not the junkyard”, said Olive, “it’s your breath.”

Just then a pair of eyes opened up in the darkness of the trash cave.

“It’s time!”, said the figure in the dark, possessing a deep voice.

“Wh… Who are you?”, asked Bad Breath, starting to become scared.

“I assume you have heard the legend of the cat named Metallic”, said the figure.

“Yeah”, said Bad Breath, “what’s your point?”

“My point is that you have bad breath, Bad Breath”, said the figure.

“It’s true”, said Olive.

“Good thing my condition prevents me from being able to smell it”, said the figure.

“So who are you, anyway?”, asked Olive.

“I am Metallic!”, said the figure.

“Metallic?”, said Olive, “I…. I thought you were dead.”

“I guess those rumors of him faking his death were true”, said Bad Breath.

“Meow”, said Gaffer.

“It is only partially true”, said Metallic.

“What do you mean?”, asked Olive.

Metallic slowly walked out of the cave, if this was visual we’d only see his shadow at this point.

“I was a resident of the Muppet Theater. They treated me well. But then one day they hired a scientist, Dr. Bunsen Honeydew. He needed a test subject who wasn’t him, and everybody else was too smart to volunteer. So he volunteered me, the slowest resident at the time.”

“You still seem to be slow”, said Bad Breath.

“I did a number of groundbreaking tests, and they didn’t raise my food”, said Metallic. But those experiments made me go from a slow mild-mannered cat to a crazy psycho kitty. Eventually, my psychotic tendencies became too much, even for the Muppets. They decided to get rid of me, but they couldn’t catch me. But given how demented my brain had become, I foolishly stepped into one of Dr. Honeydew’s inventions, an electronic vaporizing wave. My whole body was vaporized, except for my brain. They threw it all away, unaware that the scientific testing I had done caused my brain to gain sentience, putting my soul into my brain and giving it the ability to crawl, jump, and provide superb motor skills.”

If this was visual we’d now see Metallic at this point, revealing him to be a big robotic cat, with the brain on top in a see-through container just above the head.

“Even as a brain, I had become able to build. So I went to this junkyard, looking for metal parts, eventually building a new body for myself. I put all the proper controls into the head, which my brain presses to control this robotic body. Unfortunately, with this being a junkyard, my parts move slowly.”

Metallic then slowly moved his arms to prove a point.

“I have barely even perfected the rocket power”, said Metallic, who proceeded to blast up…. Only to blast very slowly. The blast feature turned off and he fell to the ground, landing on his feet.

“That’s amazing”, said Olive.

“Thankfully, my voice box can give this robot a real intimidating voice, as opposed to a typical robotic voice. Comes in handy when I need to surprise people with what I am now.”

“You sure surprised me”, said Bad Breath.

“And I have trained a large herd of cats to attack the Muppets”, said Metallic.

Then several cats had surrounded Gaffer, Olive, Bad Breath, and Metallic.

“I’d attack the Muppets myself”, said Metallic, “if my resources weren’t so slow.”

Metallic then walked forward, slowly and performed rather stiff.

“But with my proper training these cats can invade the Muppets, with you two leading.”

“But what about Gaffer here?”, asked Bad Breath.

“Gaffer can stay here with me”, said Metallic, “I have some words of wisdom for little Gaffer.

 

[minor muppetz]

Chapter 4

The cats had arrived at the Muppet Theater.

“I think the show’s almost over”, said Bad Breath.

“It doesn’t matter”, said Olive, “Now, when I say three, we all run in and attack!”

“Duh, it’s too late”, said one of the cats, “you already said three.”

“Fine”, said Olive, “I want you all to run when I say three…”

Everyone else ran in to attack.

“I meant when I count to three!”, said Olive.

Olive soon followed, as the cats were rioting against the Muppets.

“Hey, will somebody get rid of these cats?”, said Kermit.

“I’ll handle this”, said Miss Piggy, whose hair then got pulled by a cat.

Miss Piggy karate chopped a couple of cats, but then Bad Breath popped up and sprayed his bad breath into Piggy’s face, making her pass out.

“Hey, I should just use my breath more often!”, said Bad Breath.

Two cats were choking Catgut.

“Wait a minute”, said one of the cats, “I don’t remember this cat being with us.”

“She’s not”, said the other cat.

“Oh, good”, said the first cat.

And the two proceeded to choke Catgut.

The cats were about to attack Lew Zealand, but then they were eyeing his boomerang fish.

“Hey, kitties”, said Lew Zealand, “Want fishy? Catch!”

Lew threw the fish, and the cats all ran after it… But then it came back into Lew’s hand.

“Oh, yeah”, said Lew, remembering what his boomerang fish does.

And then the cats all pounded him.

“Alright, fellow dogs”, said Rowlf to the dogs, let’s attack!”

They barked and started to run the cats out, until Bad Breath sprayed his breath on them as well.

“Hey, with you, us fighting cats were useless”, said one of the cats.

“USE-LESS!”, yelled Animal, who bit that cat, who screamed but hit his claws into Animal’s head.

“Bad Breath, you give your breath a full-on spray”, said Olive, “the rest of us cats will leave the theater!”

“Right”, said Bad Breath, who sprayed out his nasty breath all over the theater.

“Like, this smell is rully awful”, said Janice.

“Mee mee mee”, said Beaker.

“Oh, I have an anti-stink pill somewhere”, said Bunsen, who started to pass out with the bad smell.

Bad Breath went out the building.

“Now what?”, asked Bad Breath.

“Now we wait for that terrible odor to go away”, said Olive, “and then we bag everybody and bring them to the junkyard death trap!”

“Right on”, said one of the cats, “because just killing them would be awful!”

Another cat kept struggling to light a match, only for the match to not get lit.

“What are you doing?”, asked Olive.

“I’m going to light a match and throw it in the theater”, said the cat, “that combined with the bad breath gas is bound to cause quite an explosion.”

“You fool!”, said Olive, “we’re not supposed to instantly kill them! We have to send them to the death trap first!”

The cat said, “but it’s such a time-saver….”

“And besides”, said Bad Breath, “explosions aren’t enough when it comes to killing Muppets.”

Meanwhile, down in the trash cave at the junkyard…

“So, you’ve been with the Muppets that long, huh?”, said Metallic, as he pet Gaffer.

“I bet you’ve never been pet by a robot before, not that I can feel your fur. But now let’s talk business. While this robotic cat body is good, I want a real cat body. And you seem to have the right body for me.”

Gaffer stopped purring and gave a confused look on Gaffer’s face.

Metallic grabbed Gaffer by the neck and picked Gaffer up.

“You see, the real reason I stayed behind and asked you to stay here with me is so I could cut your brain out of your heard and put my brain inside your head.”

Metallic’s chest opened and a razor-sharp spinning wheel came out, spinning very fast.

Gaffer tried Scratching Metallic’s hand.

“Nice try”, said Metallic, “but I can’t feel your scratches.”

The spinning wheel came closer to Gaffer’s head, Gaffer showing fear. But then the wheel stopped.

“Stupid rust”, said Metallic, who began squirting oil out his mouth and onto the wheel. During this time, Gaffer pulled Metallic’s hand off and ran away.

“Ha!”, said Metallic, “you may think I am so slow you can outrun me, but I faked my slow-ness.”

Just then roller skate wheels popped out from under Metallic’s feet and then a rocket-powered blast came from behind the feet, making him skate quite fast.

“I’m going to get you, Gaffer!”, said Metallic, who started to zap lasers at Gaffer out of his eyes, though he kept barely missing Gaffer.

 

[minor muppetz]

Chapter 5

Gaffer continued running from Metallic, who was gaining on Gaffer.

“You can’t run forever!”, said Metallic, who then remembered, “Wait a minute. I don’t need to chase you. The part of my arm where the hand broke off also doubles as a vacuum.”

Aiming his arm at Gaffer, Metallic started sucking things in. All kinds of small trash was sucked in, as Gaffer struggled to run farther, eventually grabbing onto a fire hydrant. Gaffer then got sucked away, having held on strongly to the side door of the hydrant… Causing water to gush in Metallic’s direction, covering him in water and electrocuting him.

“Oh no!”, said Metallic.

Gaffer got away from him, and Metallic was suddenly no longer in motion, though the brain was struggling to get out. The robot fell backwards, and Gaffer jumped into a construction section of the junkyard, pushing a button which released a net that happened to be underneath where Metallic had fallen.

The other cats then made it back to the junkyard, carrying the Muppets in many bags and taking them to a warehouse in the junkyard.

“For once you did a smart thing, Bad Breath”, said Olive.

“I know, of course”, said Bad Breath.

“What should we do with all these bags?”, asked one of the cats.

“Well, we’ll put one bag of characters at a time into the death trap”, said Olive, “I’ll throw my sack of Muppets in first.”

The other cats dropped their bags outside and Olive brought his bag in.

“Bad Breath, get behind the control panel”, said Olive, as he untied the bag and threw the Muppets into a net, “Now bring them up!”

Bad Breath pulled a lever, sending the net higher in the sky.

“Oh, no”, said Fozzie, “what are we going to do.”

“I don’t know”, said Kermit.

“But we’re all in this together”, said Bunsen.

They all gave Bunsen awkward looks.

The net then moved to the side and over a big pool with spinning knives inside.

“Okay, Bad Breath, push the yellow button!”

“Which one’s the yellow button?”

“This one is”, said Olive, who pressed the button, which made the net lower at a very slow rate while the spinning knives were turned on.

“We’re doomed!”, said Miss Piggy.

“I wonder how we’ll get out of here”, said Floyd.

“EAT NET! EAT NET!”, shouted Animal.

“NO!”, yelled all the Muppets in the net.

“If you eat the net, man, we’ll fall faster to our deaths”, said Floyd.

“And we can’t have you all killed right away”, said Bad Breath.

“We must honor the ancient tradition of using slow death traps”, said Olive.

But then one-by-one Olive, Bad Breath, and the other cats were being sucked away. Gaffer had turned on a large powerful vacuum device, sucking each cat into there, and then turning it off after each cat was in.

“Way to go, Gaffer!”, said Scooter.

“Mee mee mee!”, said Beaker.

“Abotively posolutley”, said Dr. Teeth.

Gaffer than ran to the control panel to rescue the Muppets. Gaffer pressed the blue button, which turned the whole thing off.

“Good job, Gaffer!”, said Kermit.

“It feels embarrassing being rescued by a cat”, said Rowlf.

Gaffer pressed the yellow button, lowering them again.

“No, no!”, cried Rowlf, “I was only kidding!”

Gaffer again pushed the blue button, and then moved the net from the side. Gaffer then pushed the red button, which dropped the net.

“We’re free!”, said Miss Piggy.

“And we escaped, too!”, said Fozzie.

“Like, let’s get out of here”, said Janice.

“Easier said than done”, said Metallic, suddenly showing up and blocking the only exit.

“MEOW!!!!!”, said Gaffer, angrily.

“Oh, I had it so that water only affects my material very temporarily”, said Metallic, “I was free to escape within a minute!”

“Wait, Metallic?”, said Bunsen, “THE same metallic who got vaporized…”

“Yes, the same one!”, said Metallic, “I guess I don’t need to explain why I need to destroy you!”

“But, uh, could you please call the whole thing off?”, said Kermit.

Everyone agreed.

“No can do”, said Metallic, who then blasted fire out of his nose, setting the place on fire.

“Have a hot time!”, said Metallic, who then got away by blasting the head of the robot off like a rocket, “I also purposely left out the fact that this head can fly separately and better than the whole robot.”

 

[minor muppetz]

Chapter 6

The Muppets were in great danger.

“There’s fire everywhere!”, said Fozzie.

“That robot body is blocking the only door out”, said Kermit, “and it’s too heavy for us to even push over.”

“Let moi handle this”, said Miss Piggy, who proceeded to karate chop the robot… And it was so tough SHE got shook up.

Gaffer was small enough to crawl past the robot’s legs and ran out.

“Come back and save us!”, said Fozzie.

A big bulldozer crane, driven by Gaffer, then crashed through the wall.

“We’re saved!”, said Bunsen.

“Mee mee!”, agreed Beaker.

Gaffer pulled down the crane and picked up all the Muppets who were in the burning building, leading them out.

“Wow, thanks Gaffer”, said Kermit.

“I can’t believe you rescued us after we threw you out”, said Rowlf.

“If you like, we’ll let you stay at the theater again”, said Kermit.

“Meow”, said Gaffer, purring at Kermit.

The various cats got out of the vacuum.

“It’s payback time!”, said Olive.

“Yeah”, growled all the cats.

“Uh”, said Kermit, “hi Olive, hi Bad Breath, hi…..”

“Save it!”, said Olive.

“I’ll put you all to sleep with my breath again!”, said Bad Breath, who breathed out… But the smell didn’t put them to sleep.

“Hey, that smells good”, said Fozzie.

“I’ve, like, never smelled anything like it”, said Janice.

“Far out”, said Zoot.

“Bad Breath!”, said Olive, “you’re bad breath’s not bad anymore.”

“Maybe it came from this stuff I found at the theater”, said Bad Breath, “I ate it after we left.”

“That’s Muppet Labs Anti-Stink Pills”, said Bunsen, “it’ll destroy the worst of all odors!”

“You fool!”, said Olive.

“Why have we had so many cats at the theater anyway, Kermit?”, asked Scooter.

“Well, even though the theater’s first cat, Metallic, went psycho”, said Kermit, “we felt that…”

Kermit got interrupted by the sound of Gaffer using the bull dozer to push the cats away.

“Say, shouldn’t we be rescuing the others?”, asked Lew Zealand.

“Good idea”, said Kermit.

They opened the bags that the other Muppets were in, letting them out.

“It’s great to be out of there”, said Link.

“You can say that again”, said Dr. Strangepork.

“It’s great to be out of there again.”

“Augh”, said Sam, “that was so uncivilized!”

“So what’s going on?’, asked Gonzo.

“We were trapped in a fire”, said Fozzie.

“I’m sorry I missed it”, said Gonzo.

“Well you won’t miss this!”, said Metallic, the robotic head floating by as it shot a flame out it’s nose. Everybody ran. The head chased them.

“I am better than you all”, said Metallic, but then the head ran out of fuel and fell to the ground.

“Oh no!”, said Metallic, “I’ve got to think fast!”

Metallic’s brain then busted out of the head and started hopping away, but then Rowlf quickly put it into a jar and shut the lid tight.

“Now we’re saved!”, said Rowlf.

“Great”, said Kermit, “let’s go back to the theater!”

“Wait!”, said Oscar the Grouch, being carried by Bruno, “shouldn’t I make a cameo?”

“The story’s over”, said Kermit.

“Oh, good”, said Oscar, “I’m glad I missed out. I can now spend my time playing in the garbage!”

The End

 

[Stan Davis]

who perform these characters
Thugs
Bad Breath
Olive
Metallic

 

[minor muppetz]

who perform these characters
Thugs David Rudman and Matt Vogel
Bad Breath Dave Goelz
Olive Matt Vogel
Metallic Bill Baretta

 

[Katzi428]

Great story!!