Fozzie's Comedy Tour

[minor muppetz]

Enjoy this new fan fic, in which Fozzie Bear goes on a comedy tour. The humor might be a little dark (though I don't intend any dark humor to come from the Muppets).

Chapter 1

Fozzie was outside the Muppet theater, getting ready for a comedy tour.

"I can't believe my manager managed to get me my very own comedy tour", said Fozzie.

"We can't believe it, either!", said Statler, as he and Waldorf laughed.

"Well, good luck, Fozzie", said Kermit.

Sweetums drove Fozzie's studebaker to the sidewalk, then got out.

"Here you go, Fozzie!", said Sweetums.

"Oh, thank you", said Fozzie.

"Don't mention it", said Sweetums, "It's been at Mad Man Mooney's for 35 years!"

"Is my plumber truck still there?", asked Gonzo.

"Yeah, nobody would buy either. Now I need a snack", said Sweetums as he left to get some food.

Fozzie got into the drivers seat.

"Well, this is it", said Fozzie.

"Good luck", said Kermit.

"So long", said Scooter.

"Take as much time as you need", said Waldorf.

"Yeah, the show will be good now", said Statler.

"Well, bye, everyone", said Fozzie as he drove off.

Everyone waved goodbye.

Sweetums came back.

"Hey, where's he going?", asked Sweetums.

"He's going on the tour, remember?", said Kermit.

"But I'm supposed to drive", said Sweetums, who then ran after Fozzie.

"Hey, wait for me! I'm your chauffeur! Wait up! I want to drive you to your tour! Come on, I got you your car back!"

 

[minor muppetz]

Chapter 2

Fozzie pulled up to "The Grand Hotel".

"Well, this is my first stop, the Grand Hotel. Sounds like a nice place to perform."

But when Fozzie entered, he saw that it wasn't a very good-looking place. There was mud on the walls, the lobby couch exploded, and customers were running around screaming, as they were covered with bed bugs.

The ower walked up to Fozzie.

"Hi, I'm David Grand, owner of the Grand Hotel."

"Well I'm Fozzie Bear, I'm supposed to perform here..."

"Oh, yeah", said Mr. Grand, "the entertainment. We always give them the best rooms in the hotel."

Mr. Grand then showed Fozzie to the restroom, which had a bed in it.

"This is where you'll be staying. The toilets don't flush, we're infected with bed bugs, termites, and roaches, and the electricity goes off at midnight. But it beats staying in all the other rooms. Oh, and you'll have to share your bed with all the other entertainers who'll be staying here."

"Other entertainers?", said Fozzie.

"Yeah", said Mr. Grand, "we've booked 99 entertainers for one weekend."

Angus McGonagle showed up.

"It's so great to be entertaining here again", said Angus, who then spotted Fozzie, "wait, what's that bear doing here?"

A Hollywood starlet type then came in.

"I always look forward to staying here", said the Hollywood starlet, "it sure beats the times I came here before I became famous."

"Why's that?", said Fozzie.

"Back when I wasn't famous, I had to sleep in rooms infested with bees and racoons."

A group of heavy metal rock stars came in.

"Oh, so the other entertainers have arrived?", said one of the heavy metal musicians, annoyed.

Then a talking piano came in.

"Well, I sleep on my stomach", said the piano, "even when I'm pregnant."

Fozzie sat on the bed.

"Well, it's just for one night", said Fozzie.

A bed bug approached Fozzie.

"For guests who stay here, one night is equal to 23 years", said the bed bug.

A bed from upstairs fell through the ceiling and landed on Fozzie.

"Hey, the termites are back in town!", said Angus.

Soon, Fozzie went on-stage at the hotel.

"Hiya hiya hiya!", said Fozzie, "a funny thing happened to me on the way to..."

Fozzie fell through the stage.

"Sorry, bear", said a termite, "they make such good wooden stages."

Fozzie crawled out of the hole and up onto the stage.

"Okay, where was I?"

Everybody laughed.

"Are you supposed to be drunk or high?", asked one audience member.

"Neither", said Fozzie.

The audience stopped laughing.

"Anyway, I would like to tell the world's funniest joke, and I need a volunteer."

Fozzie started looking around at the audience.

"I'll volunteer!", said a termite.

A startled Fozzie, not realizing that the termite was on stage, shrieked and fell backwards, back into the hole.

Everybody laughed.

"Say 'I've fallen and I can't get up!'", said an audience member.

But Fozzie did get up.

"So what routine are we doing, the banana sketch?", asked the termite.

"No, no, for this joke, which is unrehearsed, right?"

"Sure".

"Okay, for this unrehearsed bit, when I say the word 'hear', I want you to run up and say, 'good gried, the comedian's a bear!'"

"Okay", said the termite, "when you say 'hear'."

"Actually", said Fozzie, "it;s the third time I say 'hear'."

The next morning, Fozzie was quick to leave.

"What a disastrous night", said Fozzie, "there was nothing grand about that hotel, except for it being named after Mr. Grand himself."

Fozzie glanced down at his schedule while driving.

"Let's see, where do I perform at next?

Fozzie was looking at his schedule, "according to this, I have to be at the middle of nowhere. And follow the trail of jellybeans."

Fozzie put down his schedule and looked at where he was driving, except now he wasn't on road. He had driven off a cliff.

Fozzie screamed while the car fell down. Luckily, neither Fozzie nor the car was damaged (much).

"Maybe I should have had somebody come with me", said Fozzie.

Meanwhile, Sweetums had made it to the Grand Hotel.

"Is Fozzie Bear still here?", asked Sweetums.

"No, he left this morning", said Mr. Grand, "but if you'd like a room..."

"I need to catch up with Fozzie", said Sweetums, I'm his chauffeur."

A cook showed up.

"Well, the bear didn't stay for breakfast", said the cook, "you can have his."

The cook handed Sweetums a bowl of wooden boards.

"That's name-brand wood", said the termite, "not the yucky store brand wood most two-star hotels serve."

Back to Fozzie, he looked down the road.

"Hey, there's a trail of jellybeans", said Fozzie, "I guess I'll follow that trail."

So Fozzie drove, following the trail of jellybeans and humming "Moving Right Along", but each jellybean he passed blew up within minutes of him passing.

 

[minor muppetz]

Chapter 3

Fozzie drove out into the middle of nowhere, until he saw a big building with a large sign out front that says "Fozzie Bear performs tonight - third floor".

"That must be the place."

Fozzie parked his car, as the last of the jellybeans blew up.

"What loud jellybeans. They must be louder than The Electric Mayhem."

Fozzie entered the building and took the elevator. He pressed the third floor button and went up. Then he got out of the elevator and found the stage door, with a poster that says "Fozzie performs here".

"How convenient", said Fozzie, "I didn't even need to get directions from the staff."

Fozzie entered the stage, but found the place empty.

"Hello! Anybody here?"

Nobody answered.

"Well, at least I can rehearse."

Fozzie then looked at his instructions from his manager.

"I didn't notice this part before. It says that once I follow the jellybean trail into the middle of nowhere, I will see a mirage, which will disappear within a minute..."

The building then disappeared and Fozzie fell to the ground.

"I hope there's no more falling in this fan fic", said Fozzie.

At that very moment, Sweetums was hanging from the edge of a cliff.

"I hope there's no more falling in this fan fic, either!", shouted Sweetums.

Fozzie was looking around.

"I wonder how my audience is going to find me", said Fozzie.

Just then an audience showed up, consisting of talking cactus plants, talking tumbleweeds, vultures, talking rocks, and Sopwith the Camel.

"Hey, Fozzie's here!", said an excited cactus.

"You were supposed to be here an hour ago!", said a vulture.

"No he wasn't", said the Tumbleweed, "we all just arrived in the wrong location!"

"Oh, yeah", said the vulture.

"Well, I guess I'll start my act", said Fozzie, "So what do you get when you make a sand sculpture of a witch?"

A sand sculpture of a witch then showed up.

"Oh, that's easy, you get a sand witch!", said the sand witch.

Everyone laughed.

"Okay, how do you get to the middle of nowhere?"

"You follow the jellybean trail!", said a rock.

Everyone laughed.

"Actually, that's not the punchline", said Fozzie, "I don't even get that punchline."

"The punchline is over there", said a vulture, pointing to a line of punch.

"Hey, Fozzie!", said the sand witch as she handed Fozzie a newspaper, "here's a review of your last performance".

"I'm afraid to read it", said Fozzie, who then looked at the review... "Hey, this is a positive review!"

Everybody laughed.

"A positive review for Fozzie?", said a cactus.

"It says, 'Fozzie Bear's performance at the Grand Hotel was the funniest act I've seen all my life. He's funnier than Kevin James, Jonah Hill, Seth Rogen, and Carrot Top...'"

"It's not very hard to be funnier than any of them", said a tumbleweed.

Fozzie's newspaper then disappeared.

"Wait... It was another mirage?"

"I knew it!", said a rock, "I doubted any critic could give you a positive review!"

Everyone laughed.

After the performance, Fozzie drove to a gas station. At the gas station he used the phone.

"Hello, Kermit"

"Oh, hi, Fozzie! How's the tour?"

"Well, it hasn't been too teriffic so far", said Fozzie, "How's the show going? I bet it's not doing too well without me."

"You could say that, Fozzie", said Kermit, "except we haven't done a show yet since your tour started."

"Well, hopefully my next show will be better than the first two, which are also the last two", said Fozzie.

"Where will your next show be?", asked Kermit.

"At a place called Scary Manor", said Fozzie.

Sure enough, Scary Manor was a haunted building. Fozzie was scared as he entered.

"I can't believe my manager gave me this gig", said Fozzie.

A vampire opened the door.

"I can't believe it, either", said the vampire, "but we can always use new blood here."

Fozzie saw all the scary monsters, ghosts, and spiders in the building.

"It's a good thing you sold out", said the vampire.

"I sold out?", said Fozzie.

A devil showed up.

"Now if you'd only sell your soul", said the devil.

"No thank you, I need my soul", said Fozzie. The devil then disappeared with a puff of red smoke.

"Hiya hiya hiya! I'm Fozzie Bear, the number 1 bear comedian!"

"I thought the number one bear comedian was named Johnny", said one of the monsters.

"Well, do you monsters know why you shouldn't eat me?", asked Fozzie.

"Because we shouldn't eat junk food?", said a spider.

Everyone laughed.

"No", said Fozzie, "because I taste funny! AHh! Get it? Wocka wocka!"

Everyone booed, especially the ghosts.

"I never thought I'd miss Statler and Waldorf", said Fozzie, "Anyway, I need a volunteer for the next routine..."

"I'll do it", said the vampire, "what are we doing, 'Who's on First?'"

"No", said Fozzie, "we're going to do something spontaneous. When you hear me say the word "hear"... Uh, actually, the third time you hear me say the word 'hear', you are going to rush up and say, 'Good grief! The comedian's a bear!'"

"After you've said "hear" three times?", said the vampire.

"You got it!", said Fozzie, who then began his act, "Hiya hiya hiya, you're a wonderful looking audience, it's a pleasure to be here. I've got a joke you're gonna love to hear..."

"GOOD GRIEF! THE COMEDIAN'S A BEAR!"

"I said the third time!", shouted Fozzie.

"Oh, forgive me", said the vampire, "I'm not very good at counting."

"Well, you shout that line the next time I say 'Hear'", said Fozzie, "anyway, a funny thing happened to me on the way to this manor. At the stage door, I saw a bunch of Muppet fans and suddenly I hear...."

Fozzie waited for the vampire to say his line, but he didn't.

"It's time for you to say the line", said Fozzie.

"Oh, forgive me", said the vampire, "I also don't have any concept of the word 'next'."

After the performance, Fozzie drove off.

The vampire ran out.

"Wait! You forgot to sleep here for the night!"

Sweetums then ran to Scary Manor.

"Has the bear comedian shown up yet?", asked Sweetums.

"He just left", said the vampire, "but his manager paid for a bed that Fozzie isn't going to sleep on. You can sleep on it if you'd like."

But then in his room, Sweetums struggled to sleep on the bed, as the bed kept running to another side of the room whenever Sweetums tried to get on it.

"I guess I can't sleep on you after all", said Sweetums.

"At least you're funnier than the bear", said the bed.

The vampire opened the door.

"Good night. Sleep tight. Don't let the bed bite."

"Well", said Sweetums, "the bed won't even let me sleep on it. I guess I do't have to worry about..."

But then the bed bit Sweetums, who let out a big yell.

 

[minor muppetz]

Chapter 4

Fozzie's next stop was at a hunting lodge.

"Hiya, folks! I'm Fozzie Bear, here to tell you jokes both old and rare!"

"I prefer well-done", said a member of the audience.

"A funny thing happened to me on the way to the lodge. I was in the desert, and..."

Everybody pointed a gun at Fozzie.

"We don't like desert jokes!", said one of the audience members.

"Actually, that wasn't a joke, just a funny experience", said Fozzie, who then thought again, "except it really wasn't funny to me...."

Nervously, Fozzie looked at the guns.

"Say! Don't you hate how the president wants to take our guns away?"

The audience put down their guns, reacting in agreement.

"We should all have the right to BEAR arms!", said Fozzie as he pointed to his arms, "Ahhhh! Get it? Bear arms? Wocka wocka!"

"It's not funny", said one audience member, "but at least we agree with you."

"Der president took our jerbs!", shouted somebody in the audience.

The audience member was revealed to be George W. Bush, at a table with Bill Clinton and George Bush.

"Anyway...", said Fozzie, scrambling for a line, "uh... Oh! You all like hunting season, right?"

"YEAH!", said the hunters.

"Well do you know what hunting season it is?"

The hunters all looked at their cell phones to find out the season online.

Fozzie ignored the fact that they were looking at their cell phones to announce, "it's baseball season! Ahhh! Wocka wocka!"

"Actually", said one of the hunters, "it's not baseball season. According to Google, it's bear season."

"Uh-oh", said Fozzie, who nervously tried to walk off the stage.

"Hey! Aren't you a bear?"

"Uh, no...", said Fozzie.

"He is a bear! He's wearing a hat!"

Fozzie took his hat off.

"I'm not wearing a hat anymore", said Fozzie.

"Well, then I guess you're not a bear", said a hunter.

"But you are", said another hunter to that hunter. Actually, most of the hunters were wearing hats, so they all started shooting at each other.

"I've got to get out of here!", said Fozzie, who ran, but slipped on a banana peel. As he slipped, his hat fell up into the air, and when Fozzie got up his hat fell right on his head.

"Hey! He is a bear after all!", said a hunter.

"Let's get him!"

Fozzie ran to the Studebaker, struggling with the keys, but eventually got in and drove off, being chased by hunters.

One of them started to shoot, but was out of bullets.

"I need to reload", said the hunter, who ran back to the lodge.

Sweetums showed up.

"Hey, has the bear comedian shown up?", asked Sweetums.

"He just left", said the hunter, "follow those hunters".

"Right", said Sweetums, who chased the hunters.

Fozzie passed train tracks just in time, as a train passed as soon as Fozzie passed, blocking the hunters.

"We'll never make it", said a hunter.

"I guess we should all go back to the lodge and fire our guns", said a lodge member.

One of the lodge members turned out to be Donald Trump, who pointed to his gun and said, "you're fired!"

They all walked back. Sweetums caught up with them, but saw them going back.

"I guess Fozzie's going back that way", said Sweetums who started to follow them.
Fozzie found a pay phone and called Kermit.

"Hey, Kermit, how's the show going?"

"We haven't had a show since you left", said Kermit, "but we go on in a few minutes."

"Actually, chief", said Scooter, "it's fifteen seconds 'till curtain."

"Shouldn't you tell the guest star that?"

"Oh, right", said Scooter as he ran to the guest stars dressing room.

"Anyway, I've got to start the show."

"It's too bad you can't be there for my next show", said Fozzie, "I'm performing at a green house."

Cut to Fozzie performing at a green house, full of live Muppet plants and wildlife.

"Well, I'm the bear with the funnies, Fozzie Bear!"

"Fozzie Bear?", said one of the plants, "I thought we were getting Johnny Bear."

"Johnny Bear?", asked Fozzie.

"I thought we were getting Ozzie Bear", said a plant who talked with an Emily Litella-type voice, "Fozzie... That's very different... Nevermind!"

"Anyway, as my friend Kermit the Frog said..."

Everybody applauded at the mention of Kermit's name, even though the plants didn't have hands.

"Anyway, as Kermit says, it's not easy being green, and I guess that's true when you're a vegetable."

"Actually, it is easy being broccoli", said a Muppet broccoli, "kids hate to eat us."

"Me, too", said some spinach, "the only people I'm worried about are sailor men."

"FEED ME, SEYMOUR!", said a large, deep-voiced Venus fly trap.

"The name's Fozzie!"

"Oh, my mistake", said the plant, "Feed me anyway!"

A bee flew by.

"Say, aren't you the same bear comedian who was at the Grand Hotel a few days ago?", said the bee.

"Yes", said Fozzie.

"You weren't very funny", said the bee, who went up to Fozzie and stung him.

"Ouch!", said Fozzie.

A flower walked up to Fozzie.

"Hey, I have a secret to tell you", said the slower.

Fozzie brought his ear to the flower, but then the flower squirted water into his ear.

"That's kinda my kind of joke", said Fozzie.

 

[kathy26]

this is cool

 

[minor muppetz]

Chapter 5

Fozzie went to a pay phone.

"I'm surprised at all the pay phones I'm finding", said Fozzie, "but I left my phone at home, so I can't complain."

Fozzie dialed, but Statler and Waldorf had answered (using a speaker phone).

"Hello, this is Stater".

"And this is Waldorf."

"Oh, I must have gotten the wrong number", said Fozzie, "I meant to call Kermit."

"Hey, it's the bear", said Waldorf, "how's the comedy tour?"

"...as if we didn't know", said Statler as the two old men laughed.

"Well, it's kinda rough", said Fozzie, "if if you two didn't know."

Fozzie made his laugh, but Statler and Waldorf didn't laugh at that, they just stared at the phone like he'd made the worst joke ever.

"Anyway, the show has been great without you", said Statler.

"Yeah", agreed Waldorf, "last night's guest star was the world's funniest bear, Johnny Bear."

"Johnny Bear?", question Fozzie, who had never heard of Johnny Bear until the tour.

"Well, we gotta go", said Statler.

"We've got more important things to do", said Waldorf.

"Like read all the newspaper reviews of your tour", said Statler.

The two laughed.

Fozzie hung up.

"I'm not looking forward to performing at the retirement home today", said Fozzie.

Cut to Fozzie performing at a retirement home full of old people.

"...And that's why the raccoon wouldn't drink his prune juice!"

But the audience didn't laugh, as most were sleeping or having trouble hearing.

"What did you say, Billy?", said one of the senior citizens.

"It's not Billy, it's Fozzie".

"Haven't I seen you somewhere before?", asked another senior.

"I think our friends from out of town told us all about him".

"What's going on?"

"Anyway", said Fozzie, "did you hear about the baseball coach who wanted to change his players positions? He wanted Who on third, I don't know on second..."

"And we don't know why you're here", said one of the elderly.

Cut to Fozzie using the phone.

"Why do you book me on these kinds of gigs?", said Fozzie, "I keep dying on stage."

"At least it's not us who are dying", saying one of the nursing home residents.

Fozzie cringed briefly at the line, but then heard something great from his manager.

"What's that? You mean it? Oh, wow, that sounds like it'll be the highlight of my career. I never thought I'd play there. I never even thought I'd play at Carnegie Hall. Oh, thank you. I owe you one. Yeah, I know I really owe you 20%."

Fozzie hung up.

"Oh, I've got to call the others..."

Geri and the Atrics then showed up, bumping into Fozzie.

"Hey, watch it!", said Geri.

"You've performed", said the drummer, "now it's time for some REAL entertainment!"

"Hey, haven't I seen you somewhere before?", said the tuba player.

They all just walked on. Fozzie dialed.

"Hello, Rowlf".

"Hey, Fozzie! We're doing great without you."

Rowlf then felt a little guilty.

"Uh, I mean..."

"I know", said Fozzie, "I accidentally called Statler and Waldorf."

Gonzo and Scooter walked by.

"Is that Fozzie?", asked Scooter.

"Tell him about the two-ton jelly act", said Fozzie, "or the flea circus."

"Just don't tell him about Johnny", said Scooter.

"Anyway", said Fozzie, "I got big news."

"Isn't that The Newsman's job?", asked Rowlf.

"He can take it!", said The Newsman.

"Well, I just learned that my tour will end with me performing at The Perfect Comedy Club Land."

"Wow", said Rowlf, "The Perfect Comedy Club Land. "

"The Perfect Comedy Club Land?", said Gonzo and Scooter.

Everyone else in the room turned in surprise.

"The Perfect Comedy Club Land???"

"Yes! I have always wanted to be there! It will be the new highlight of my career!"

The phone then blew off the wall.

"Hello? Hello?", said Fozzie.

"Hello? Hello?", said Rowlf, unable to answer the phone.

Sweetums then busted through the doors.

"Well, I missed Fozzie's show", said Sweetums.

"Fozzie's tour isn't over yet", said Scooter.

"So I must have gotten ahead of him", said Sweetums.

Back at the nursing home.

"I am so happy to be performing at the Perfect Comedy Club Land. Of course, I still have some gigs."

Fozzie looked at his schedule.

"Let's see, before I can get to the Perfect Comedy Club Land, I have to go to..."

Fozzie looked, then let out a disappointed "oh boy".

 

[minor muppetz]

Chapter 6

Fozzie was driving out in a snowy iceland.

"Next time I'll have to read the whole tour schedule right away", said Fozzie, "and see if I can go to places like this by train or plane."

Fozzie was driving in the storm, with no road in site.

"It's a wonder I can drive at all in this snow", said Fozzie, who then crashed into something... Only he couldn't see anything there.

Fozzie got out.

"I don't get it", said Fozzie.

"And we don't get half your jokes", said an eskimo.

Fozzie walked up to where the car crashed, and suddenly bumped into what was apparently an invisible force field.

"Why can't I go forward?", asked Fozzie.

"Oh, you just crashed into a reverse mirage", said the eskimo, "up here, reverse mirages are like mirages in the desert, only you don't see what's there."

Then a big brick wall appeared.

"But when I went into a building mirage earlier, I was able to go up the stairs until it disappeared", said Fozzie.

"If you have a problem with it, go complain about it online", said the Eskimo, who walked away.

Fozzie continued to drive. Then he saw a sign that read, "Fozzie Bear Live this way").

"Well I guess I should follow it", said Fozzie.

Fozzie went his way and stopped at an outdoor theater.

"I was hoping I'd get to perform inside where it's warm", said Fozzie.

"Well, you can't always get what you want", said The Snowman from A Muppet Family Christmas.

"Hey, long time no see!", said Fozzie.

"I know", said the snowman, "I am so glad you get to perform up here."

A large polar bear then showed up, having a face that resembled Fozzie's, but with a menacing-looking expression.

"You must be Fozzie!", said the polar bear, "I'm the M.C. here, you can call me Johnny."

"Johnny?", said Fozzie, "the same Johnny Bear I've been hearing about on this whole tour?"

"I thought everybody knows who I am", said Johnny.

"I used to be his comedy partner", said the snowman, "until he fired me."

"I'm surprised he survived the fire", said Johnny.

"Wow, you seem to have forgiven him kinda easily", said Fozzie.

"Really?", said the Snowman.

"Well, get on stage", said Johnny, "you have a show to do."

They went onstage, where most of the audience was made up of penguins and snow dogs.

"And now, let's hear a big round of applause for Fozzie Bear!", said Johnny.

As Fozzie entered the stage to start his show, Johnny walked up a nearby mountain. At the top was a large amount of giant snowballs, right on top of a machine with levers and buttons.

"I would have thought he'd have died or at least retired after all those other gigs", said Johnny, "but it's a good thing I'm not a cheapskate, otherwise I wouldn't have purchased this avalanche machine until after all of the other performances."

 

[minor muppetz]

Chapter 7

Fozzie was on stage doing his act.

"Hey, you see all this white stuff? That's not snow, it's snew!"

"What's 'snew'?, asked the audience.

"Nothing's snew, what's snew with you?"

Everybody laughed.

"Finally", said a relieved Fozzie, "my tour is becoming a success."

Meanwhile, on top of the mountain above Fozzie, Johnny was struggling to pull the lever on his machine.

"Why do levers in this area need to be so frozen solid?", said Johnny, struggling to pull, "I just want to dump all this snow on him.... Good thing this machine has avalanche buttons."

So he pushed the button, causing an avalanche.

Everyone below started to run.

"AVALANCHE!", shouted one of the penguins as he was running.

Fozzie started to run, but tripped and hurt his knee.

"Ow", cried Fozzie.

"Get on the back of my sled!", shouted a sleigh dog who was strapped to a sleigh.

Fozzie got on the sled and the dog ran fast, getting Fozzie out of there right before the big snow landed where Fozzie was.

"That was a close one", said Fozzie, "I'm also suprised that the snow took its time falling to the ground."

"Well, you can blame our mayor for that", said the slow, "because of him, natural disasters are a lot more slower here than anywhere else in the world!"

"Uh", thought Fozzie, "why are you complaining about that?"

High above the mountain, Johnny observed what happened.

"I knew I shouldn't have voted for our mayor", complained Johnny, "but I know what I can do next."

Pepe then showed up.

"Fozzie! You've got to get out of here, okay!"

"Hey, Pepe", said Fozzie, "what are you doing here?"

"Oh, bad news, okay", said Pepe, "back when Johnny Bear was out guest star... You've heard of him, right, okay?"

"Not until this tour", said Fozzie.

"Well, I overheard him talking about plans to have you killed, okay."

"No, it is not okay for him to kill me!", said a scared Fozzie.

"It turns out he paid your manager to put you on a world comedy tour, and arranged for you to be booked at the worst places, okay. Places where he knew you'd fail and most likely die, okay."

"Enough with the okays, Pepe!"

"Okay... Err, I mean, fine, okay", said Pepe, "Anyway, he thought you'd end up dead on the tour, but knew of the best way to kill you if you actually made it this far."

"Why didn't the others come with you?", asked Fozzie.

"They don't know, okay", said Fozzie, "he caught me listening in on his plans, so he put me into a box and mailed me to Afghanistan. I hate it there, the women don't dress sexy enough, okay. But I managed to escape and mailed myself here, okay."

"Well, that's okay", said Fozzie.

"Wait a minute!", said Pepe, "why am I explaning all of this when we should be running for our lives?"

"Because then I wouldn't have time to finish you two off", said Johnny Bear, who had shown up from behind, holding a riffle.

"Why are you doing this to us?", asked Fozzie.

"Because I am the world's greatest bear comedian", said Johnny, "and I hate the competition, no matter how small or big. Fortunately, there is no bigger competition... Yet."

"But I've never heard of you before until..."

"Fozzie, let's run!", shouted Pepe.

The two ran, but Johnny fired his gun... Only nothing came out.

"When's the mayor going to do anything about all this cold weather?", said an annoyed Johnny, who then chased after them.

 

[minor muppetz]

Chapter 8

Fozzie and Pepe ran to the car.

"Start the car, okay!", said Pepe.

Fozzie started the car, but it wouldn't move.

"Oh no!", said Fozzie, "I'm out of gas!"

Johnny Bear caught up and picked up the car, holding it over their heads.

"Oh no!", said Fozzie, "this is the end!"

"Actually, I think there's another chapter after this one, okay", said Pepe.

Fozzie stuck his head out the window.

"Hey, Mr. Bear", said Fozzie, "what are you going to do to us?"

"I'm going to throw your car in the river", said Johnny, "you two will freeze to death."

"Well, before you throw us to our deaths...", said Fozzie.

"...You want to know why you've never heard of me, the worlds greatest bear comedian", said Johnny.

"Actually", said Fozzie, "I wanted to know, since you and not my manager arranged my show, how come you decided to get me a gig at The Perfect Comedy Club Land?"

"Especially since you hate lesser bear comedians, okay", said Pepe.

"I don't know anything about that gig", said Johnny, "your manager must have arranged that gig behind my back."

"Anyway, as I was trying to say, since I don't like the competition, no matter how small and pathetic, I have the skills to arrange for you bear comedians to know nothing about me, because I don't want you seeing my work and stealing my jokes. In fact, when I was scheduled to be the guest star on The Muppet Show, I decided that would be a good time to arrange for your tour and have you dead, because I didn't want you to be there to steal my jokes."

"What are some of your jokes?", asked Fozzie.

"I refuse to tell you", said Johnny, "just in case my attempt fails."

But just then, Johnny ran into a "reverse mirage", which then appeared to be a stone wall. Johnny walked back, stumbling a bit until he fell sideways, dropping the car down the hill beside him. Fozzie and Pepe screamed as the car was sliding down the hill.

"We're going to fall into the river, okay!", said Pepe.

"Well, as long as we're okay when we do it", said Fozzie.

The car slid very fast, but as it reached the bottom, the snow caused the car to slow down, and it stopped right at the edge of the water.

"Whew!", said a relieved Fozzie, "that was a close one."

But Johnny had regained consciousness and was on his way after them.

"I'll get you two!", said Johnny, "just like I got all the other bear comedians I killed! And nobody knows it was me, either!"

But then a team of cops showed up, between the Studebaker and where Johnny was heading.

"Stop right there!", said a cop with a megaphone.

Johnny stopped.

"You're just a cop", said Johnny, who then, in a squeaky, childish voice, said, "I'm not afraid of you!"

The cops laughed.

"That line always cracks me up", said the cop with the megaphone.

But then another man showed up.

"I'm the president of comedy, and for trying to kill a fellow comedian, I'm going to have to take away your comedy license."

"What?", said Johnny, surprised.

"It is against the rules to attempt to kill other comedians", said the president, "and the penalty for actually killing a fellow comedian is a lot worse."

"So killing and attempting to kill other comedians can get your license taken away", said Johnny, "but telling terrible jokes, which Fozzie always does, doesn't get your license taken away?"

"Not yet", said the president, "but I'll keep your regulation in mind."

"For your sake I hope it doesn't pass, okay", said Pepe to Fozzie.

The president of comedy took Johnny's comedy license and tore it up.

"Take him away, boys!", said the president of comedy, as the cops arrested Johnny.

"D-d-d-d-you'll never get away with th-th-this!", said Johnny in a mocking voice.

Fozzie laughed at the line, "No wonder he's the greatest bear comedian", said Fozzie.

But then the ground that the Studebaker was broke apart, and Fozzie and Pepe were now floating away on the river.

"Oh no", said Fozzie.

"Don't worry", said Pepe, looking at a map on his phone, "according to this map, this river will take us right to The Perfect Comedy Club Land. And there's a gas station on the way as well, okay!"

 

[minor muppetz]

Chapter 9

Fozzie and Pepe were right down the road from The Perfect Comedy Club Land.

"Well, it's been a rough trip, but I am so glad I'm going to the comedy club that all the pros go to", said Fozzie, "and I was glad to hear that my manager got me this gig behind Johnny Bear's back."

"I hear the comedians there never get heckled", said Pepe, "because they are too good to be heckled, okay."

The drove up.... But saw that The Perfect Comedy Club Land had closed down. A big "CLOSED" sign was put up, the windows were boarded up, and the place looked like it had taken some slight damage.

"It's closed?", said a worried Fozzie.

"Unbelievable, okay", said Pepe.

Fozzie parked the car and got out for better inspection.

"How could I have gotten a gig at a closed comedy club?", asked Fozzie, "and how'd it close?"

"I can explain that", said Kermit, who showed up behind Fozzie, along with Rowlf, Gonzo, Scooter, and Sweetums.

"Kermit! What are you doing here?", asked Fozzie.

"When we heard you were booked here, we tried to contact you, but you didn't answer", said Kermit.

"Yeah, I left my phone at home", said Fozzie.

"I tried to tell you on the phone", said Rowlf, "but you were so excited and then the phones blew up that I didn't get a chance to tell you."

"And you hadn't called since them", said Scooter.

"I finally made it", said Sweetums.

Fozzie looked down at his feet in sadness, wiping his tears with his hat.

"So... So I guess Johnny Bear really was responsible for this gig", said Fozzie, "he probably planned it so that I would have been unaware that it closed down until it was too late."

"Actually", said a hobo, "although the club is closed, we still get top entertainment."

"Wait, what?", said Fozzie.

"The place had been shut down", said another hobo, "but you can still perform outside of the building."

"We've always wanted to see you perform out here", said a third hobo.

"Well then", said Kermit, "without further ado, here's Fozzie Bear. YAAAAAYYYYY!!"

But then cut to Fozzie on stage at the Muppet theater.

"And that's the true story of my comedy tour!", said Fozzie, "well, except for the parts that my writer, Gags Beasley, wrote for dramatic purposes."

"We want comedy, not drama!", shouted Statler.

"That was comedy", said Waldorf, "he couldn't tell the story coherently enough."

Statler and Waldorf both laughed.

Fozzie went backstage.

"So, did I do a good enough job with the story of my tour?", asked Fozzie.

"Of course you did", said Kermit, "In fact, there were so many laughs, your writer, Gags Beasley, decided to give you this."

"Oh, what is it?", asked Fozzie.

"It's your bill", said Kermit, "you got a lot more laughs than usual."

Fozzie looked shocked at the bill.

"I'm going to need another job", said Fozzie.

The End