Biff Goes Silent

[minor muppetz]

Chapter 1

"I don't really talk too much, do?", Biff asked Sully.

Sully tried to talk but was interrupted.

"As far as I know", said Biff, "I'm as soft-spoken as the next guy..."

Sully gave a confused look on his face, then tried to talk.

"I let everyone else talk", interrupted Biff, "so I can't believe people think I talk to much. Well, I'm going to get a drink. Do you want anything, Sully?"

Sully tried to answer.

"Huh?", interrupted Biff, "Huh? Huh? Huh? Why don't you answer?"

Biff then had a realization.

"Oh, no, it's true!", realized Biff, "I talk too much!"

Sully nodded in agreement, then left.

"See you later, Sully", said Biff, who then went to Hooper's Store.

"Hey, Alan, I'd like a chocolate milk", said Biff.

"One chocolate milk coming..."

"Oh, I think I've got a problem", interrupted Biff, "I've been told I talk too much."

"Well", said Alan, "Maybe you could...."

"I got kicked out of the library for talking too loud", interrupted Biff, "I was asked to introduce the talent show at Roxy Marie's school, but I talked so long that we ran out of time before the first act could start. My wife complains that I talk in my sleep. And my boss tells me that he can hear me talking over the drilling."

A commercial then came on the TV in Hooper's Store.

"DO YOU NEED TO LEARN SOMETHING?", said the loud-mouthed announcer.

"I need to learn to stop talking", cried Biff.

"WELL YOU NEED TO ORDER SELF-IMPROVEMENT TAPES! LISTEN TO THEM WHILE YOU SLEEP! LEARN TO SPEAK SPANISH, BE A BETTER SKATER, EVEN LEARN TO MAKE MORE FRIENDS. JUST LISTENING ON HEADPHONES DURING ONE NIGHT OF SLEEP WILL SUBCONSCIOUSLY TEACH YOU ANY BASICS! ORDER TODAY!!!"

"Maybe you can order one of those tapes", said Alan.

"That's a great idea", said Biff, "I wonder why they don't just send downloads. Well, I better get calling."

Biff got out a cell phone and called.

"Hello, I'd like a self-improvement tape. Do you have any self-improvement tapes that teach not to talk? You don't? Oh, well", said Biff, hanging up.

"They don't have one on not talking?", said Alan.

"No", said Biff.

Biff walked out of the store.

"Hey, Uncle Biff", said Roxy Marie.

"Oh, hi, Roxy", said Biff, "I'm sorry I talked too much at your talent show."

"Yeah, I had a real great act to put on", said Roxy Marie.

"I tried to order a self-improvement tape on not talking, but they don't sell them."

"Hey, bud", whispered Lefty, hearing from a distance.

"Who, me?", yelled Biff.

"SHHHHHHH!!!", shushed Lefty.

"Who, me?", whispered Biff.

"RIIIIIIIGHT", said Lefty, "So I hear you need a self-improvement tape to teach you not to talk."

"That's right", said Biff.

"Well, I got one right here", said Lefty.

"Oh, wow", said Biff.

"I'm surprised it's not a CD", said Roxy.

"You can have this for......", Lefty looked in both directions, then whispered on Biff's ear.

"One dollar???", yelled Biff.

"SHHHHHH!"

"Okay, here", whispered Biff as he handed Lefty a dollar.

"Starting tomorrow, I will talk less", said Biff.

 

[minor muppetz]

Chapter 2

Biff got in bed.

"Well, the wife took the kids to grandma's for the week, so I have the house to myself. Better see if this tape works."

Biff put headphones on and started the tape player.

"I'll just listen to the tape and see what I need to do to be silent..."

Biff laid his head down.

A minute later....

"I've been playing this tape for a minute, and I still don't hear any....."

Biff yawned, and then fell asleep.

The next morning, the alarm went off. Biff hit the alarm off, took off his headphones and put his hat on. He had breakfast, then brushed his teeth, and then walked out the door on his way to work, all without talking.

Biff walked past the newsstand.

"Oh, it's you, Biff", said the news dealer, "I guess you want the usual paper, right?"

Biff nodded. The newsdealer handed his newspaper, and then Biff left.

"Biff's acting strange today", said the newsdealer, "I can't pinpoint what's so unusual about how he's acting. But he certainly is acting different."

Biff went to the construction site.

"Hi, Biff!", said a group of fellow construction workers.

Biff merely waved his hand, clocked in, and then got his tools ready. And in a montage, Biff and Sully sawed pipes, hammered nails into wooden boards, drilled, and screwed bolts into things.

Soon, Biff was painting wooden boards. Sully started to notice how quiet Biff had been. Sully tried to talk to Biff, but then closed his mouth and went back to his work. He then turned back around, opened his mouth, and then decided to just close it. Sully then opened his mouth to talk again, only to close it and go back to his work. But then Sully turned back around, went to Biff, tapped Biff on the soldier, and was about to talk, only to be interrupted by a whistle.

"Lunchtime!", shouted several construction workers, who ran over Sully as they went to lunch.

"You should be more careful, Sully", said one of the construction workers.

Sully got up, feeling weary, and then fainted.

Biff then went to have lunch at Charlie's Restaurant.

"Oh, hello, Biff", said Grover, "As you know, I am Grover, I am your waiter. What do you want for lunch, sir?"

Biff opened his mouth, but couldn't get anything out.

"Well, what do you want?", asked Grover.

Biff struggled to get anything out of his mouth.

"Do you have laryngitis?"

Biff tried to answer, but found he couldn't talk.

"Maybe you can point to what you want on the menu", said Grover.

Biff took out the menu and pointed at what he wanted.

"Oh, very good choices, Biff".

Grover left, then came back.

"Uh, Biff, we have a problem. We are all out of everything you ordered."

 

[minor muppetz]

Chapter 3

Biff took a ride on the subway. Also on the subway was Simon Soundman.

"It sure is nice here on the (cue subway sound effects)", said Simon.

Simon noticed Biff.

"Oh, hi, Biff. How's your job at the (cue construction sound effects) site?"

Biff opened his mouth, but didn't make a sound.

"What's the matter, does the meow got your tongue? Do you have a croak in your throat?"

"We take offense to those questions", said a cat who was standing with a frog.

"Oh, sorry", said Simon, "Anyway, Biff, what's with all the sudden...." Simon then closed his mouth for a second to represent the "sound" of silence.

Biff tried to explain, but found that he couldn't.

Later, Biff went to the library. A librarian noticed him.

"Oh, it's the loudmouth!", said the librarian, "I hope you can be QUIET this time!"

Biff nodded.

"Well, you nodded, that's certainly an improvement."

Biff looked through an aisle of books, then went to the library desk.

"What's the matter, what's the matter?"

Biff tried to ask the librarian something, but couldn't.

"Well, what do you want? Speak up, but not too up. This IS a library, after all!"

Biff tried again, but couldn't. He just closed his mouth, and sadly walked out of the library.

"Well, that's the problem with some customers. They just don't know what they want."

Simon Soundman then came in.

"Excuse me", said Simon, "I'm looking for a book on (cue war sounds), and a book on the history of (cue rock and roll music), and a book on (cue airplane sounds)".

"WILL YOU STAY QUIET? THIS IS A LIBRARY!", said the librarian, fed up with the noise.

The librarians boss then showed up.

"I'm sorry, but I have to fire you", said the boss, "you're way too noisy."

The librarian gave a double-take and then fainted.

 

[minor muppetz]

Chapter 4

Biff went down to Sesame Street. Roxy Marie was there.

"Hey, Uncle Biff! Did your tape on not talking for for you?"

Biff tried talking, and struggled.

"Well, did it?", asked Roxy Marie.

Biff merely nodded.

"Oh, wow", said Roxy, "well, maybe you can say something now."

Biff shook his head.

"Hey. Biff, hey, Roxy", said Luis.

"Uncle Biff bought a tape that taught him not to talk so much", said Roxy.

"Did it work, Biff?", asked Luis.

Biff merely started crying.

"I think that's a yes", observed Luis, "and I think he's having a problem with it."

"What kind of problem could he be having?", asked Roxy.

"I don't think he can talk at all", said Luis.

Biff blew his nose.

"I think I can help", said Abby, "I've learned a spell that helps others talk."

"Oh", said Roxy, "Uncle Biff, would you like her to help?"

Biff nodded enthusiastically.

"Okay, stand back everybody", said Roxy, "Wiggle-dum, wiggle-door, let's make Biff talk some more!"

It caused Biff to talk, alright.... But he talked so fast and non-stop, it sounded like a fast-forwarding tape.

"Uh, can you slow down, Biff?", asked Luis.

But Biff was uncontrollably talking fast, and eventually passed out from all that talking, though he still couldn't stop.

"I think he's out of breath from all that talking", said a concerned Luis.

"And he won't stop!", said Roxy.

"Try another spell, fast!", said Luis.

"Okay, uh...", said Abby, thinking fast, "Hyatt, hyatt, make Biff once more quiet!"

Biff then stopped talking, and just laid there.

"I'm going to call an ambulance", said Luis.

 

[minor muppetz]

Chapter 5

Biff was laying in a hospital bed, and finally woke up. Luis, Maria, Roxy Marie, Sully, Elmo, and Big Bird were all there as he woke up.

"He's awake!", said Big Bird.

"Elmo bets you didn't know he was in this story, did you?", said Elmo to us.

"Well, Biff", said the doctor, "you just passed out from too much talking."

Biff tried to talk, but couldn't.

"Try to talk less", said the doctor.

"But doctor", said Luis.

"Not now", said the doctor, "I need to check up on him. Biff, open your mouth and say 'Ah'."

Biff opened his mouth but couldn't make the "ah" sound.

"I said to say 'ahh'", said the doctor.

"He's unable to talk", said Maria.

"Yeah", said Roxy, "he listened to an audio tape that helped him stop talking, and he's been unable to talk ever since."

"Except for when he was able to talk so much he couldn't breathe and passed out", said Luis.

"You mean those tapes actually work?", said the doctor, "I thought they were a scam."

The doctor checked up on Biff.

"Will he be alright?", asked Big Bird.

"Oh, he'll be fine", said the doctor, "he'll get out of here soon. In the meantime, why not listen to some great music?"

The doctor turned on a music player, and "Take a Breath" played.

"What about getting him to talk again?", asked Elmo.

"Well....", thought the doctor, "Okay, Biff, make an Mmmm sound."

Biff tried, and couldn't.

"Okay, make a grrrr sound."

Biff couldn't.

"Make a wuh sound."

Biff couldn't.

"You're case might be hopeless."

Later, Biff was at home, on the couch watching television. And he saw a helpful commercial....

"Do you have trouble talking?"

Biff nodded.

"Then YOU should order "Let Me Talk!", the self-help tape that helps people talk. Just listen to the tape one night in your sleep, and soon you'll be talking like a pro! Just call 555-TALK. That's 555-TALK."

Biff picked up his phone and dialed.

"You just called 555-TALK", said the operator, "how may I help you?"

Biff opened his mouth but as usual for this story he couldn't say a word.

"Hello? Hello?"

Biff continued trying to talk, but was reduced to mouthing out his words.

"We take our business very seriously. If you cannot talk, hang up."

Biff hung up and started to cry. The phone rang again, but Biff ignored it, knowing he'd be unable to talk.

The answering machine picked it up.

"Hello, you just called Biff. Nobody here can answer the phone, so please leave a message at the sound of the beep."

The beep played.

It was the operator Biff just called.

"I'm sorry, but I just realized from your lack of answer that you were calling to order the self-help tape "Let Me Talk!"

Biff picked up the phone.

"We'll gladly send you a tape. Just give me your name and address and you'll get your tape in 2-3 weeks."

Biff was then stunned.

 

[minor muppetz]

Chapter 6

Biff walked down Sesame Street, sad that he could no longer talk.

"So, can you talk again?", asked Roxy Marie.

Biff sadly shook his head.

"Aww, that's too bad, Uncle Biff".

Guy Smiley then showed up.

"Hey, I am America's FAVORITE game show host, Guy Smiley, and you have been chosen to play The One Question Game! In order to win five million dollars, all you have to do is answer ONE QUESTION and only ONE QUESTION! Are you ready to PLAY????"

Biff shook his nose.

"Okay, let's begin", said Guy, ignoring Biff shaking his head, "what do you call the round yellow thing up in the sky?"

Biff tried to say "the sun", but couldn't get any words out of his mouth. A buzzer then went off.

"Oh, I'm sorry, time's up, the answer is 'the sun'. Too bad."

Guy turned to the camera.

"We'll see you next time on The One Question Game. And maybe next time YOU'LL be the contestant."

Guy left.

"It's too bad you couldn't talk, Uncle Biff", said Roxy Marie.

"I know", said Biff.

Within a second they both came to a realization...

"You spoke!", said Roxy.

"I spoke!", said Biff.

"What happened?", asked Roxy.

"I don't know", said Biff, "but I did only listen to the tape once. Maybe the effect wore off."

"Well, I'll see you later, Uncle Biff", said Roxy as she left.

"Later!", said Biff.

Sully then walked up, about to say something.

"Hey, guess what, Sully?", interrupted Biff.

Sully tried to answer.

"Just guess!", interrupted Biff, "Guess! Guess! Guess! I can talk again!"

Sully nodded, then left.

"Hmm, I wonder where Sully went."

Oscar then popped his head out of his trash can.

"Do I hear loud talking?", asked Oscar.

"Hey, Oscar, guess what?", said Biff, "I can talk again!"

"You can what?", asked Oscar.

"I can talk again!", said both Biff and Oscar in unison.

"Jinx!", said Oscar, "now you can't talk until you hear somebody say your name!"

Oscar then went down into his can and shut the lid.

Biff gave a "here we go again" expression.

The End