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Sam and Friends BookHello, everybody! Here's that Muppet Fan Fiction that I promised here awhile back. I'm sorry it too long for me to post it, and that it's not longer. It's just a one-shot, and, so far, it's the only Muppet Fan Fiction that I've written, but I hope to write more in the future. It takes place during Muppet Treasure Island, just before the Muppets sing their Cabin Fever song, and Silver tellls Jim a back story about his past history with Benjamina. I orginally wrote it for a Tim Curry forum called Curryfest. You can also find it on Fanfiction.net, where I'm also known as Quazie89. I hope you enjoy it!
On board the Hispaniola…
Jim felt as if he was in a volcano. Letting out a raspy breath, he absentmindedly peeled away the skin from another fresh, emerald apple. Its way too hot, he thought, keeping his head low. Too hot to be stuck in this cabin, anyway.
Behind him, he could feel Silver's sharp, watchful gaze on his sweating back, and Jim wondered if the old cook knew his thoughts. The cabin boy wouldn't be surprised if the one-legged scoundrel was picking into his idled mind at that moment, which seemed to drag on and on as the day grew hotter.
"Jim, my boy! How are those apples comin'?" Silver's rough, growling voice wafted over Jim, who bowed his head to hide the sheepish grin that graced his warm face.
"They're all right, I believe. How are you coming along?" Jim worked furiously, keeping his head bowed. Silver chuckled.
"They're fine, lad. I feel like I'm in a bloody cauldron but everything's just peachy." He shifted his crutch across the floor. Jim winced.
"Are you sure? I feel like we both could use a break." Jim tightly gripped the hilt of the knife he grasped in his clammy fingers, hoping Silver wouldn't think of him as being feeble.
"A break sounds lovely, mate, but I think we're safer in here," the bearded man voiced his opinion on the matter. Jim breathed out a relived sigh.
"Yes, the crew is getting a bit rowdy, huh?" He grimaced, thinking of the outlandish crew members who had been hired for this voyage.
He found it hard to believe that only nine days had passed since his departure from home. He was already starting to miss the good old Binbow Inn.
"Homesick, aren't ye?" Silver laughed when Jim's head shot up. The astonished young man gaped at his elder companion, lost for words. Silver conjured a devilish grin and added, "I know the feelin', laddie, don't think I don't. I'm missin' somethin' right now."
Jim blinked. "What?" The knife he was fumbling with dropped to the floor. He bent down to pick the tool up, waiting for Silver's reply. When the scalawag said nothing for the next several minutes, Jim rose from the floor, wielding the knife in his hand. Without another word he returned to his seat and went back to work.
Silver watched the boy in silence, stroking his beard. He was getting too close to the lad. If he didn't guard his feelings, Jim would sense his inner demons immediately. The boy was smart. Too smart, perhaps.
Shaking his head of dark curls, Silver closed his eyes. Tearing away at another apple, his mind went back to a time when his charms had worked their magic perfectly on the flirtatious tavern broads who used to flock to his bed and table every night.
He remembered Lorna and Benjamina.
Seemingly a lifetime ago, at the Boar's Throat Inn...
The tavern was bustling with life. Muppets and humans alike traversed around each other as they went about their daily business. Watching the activity from atop a barrel, Long John Silver smiled. A couple of giggling wenches sauntered by him, bouncing their bodices.
"Why, hello, ladies! May I interest you in a pint of ale?" He leaned backwards slightly, tipping his hat toward the women, who were all fairly young. They placed their hands over their full, crimson lips and batted their eyelashes at him. One of the girls was brave enough to speak up to him.
"Well, well. Look what we have here, ladies. It's the famous Long John Silver!" The lass raised her smooth, drawling voice. She swayed up to Silver. Grinning mischievously, she caressed his short beard, probing her fingers along his squared chin.
"How do ye know my name, miss?" Silver extended one of his rough hands over the girl's long, auburn hair. He pressed his face up against hers. "Do I know yours?" He lowered his voice a notch. She narrowed her brow.
"Now, Silver. That ain't too mannerly of ye." Her face softened. Gripping the back of his broad neck with a firm hand, she flicked a lock of dark hair out of his eyes. "Ye haven't forgotten me, have ye?" She seized him up.
Silver swallowed. He couldn't remember her name. She was going to slay him for certain.
"Its Lorna, ye blasted, womanizing fool!" She slapped him across the face. "Have you slept with so many women that ye can't even remember me? I was the cursed witch, remember?"
Silver rubbed his throbbing jaw, and a light of new understanding dawned across his bewildered expression. "Ay, Lorna. I remember you now." He clutched her in a tight embrace. "Ye ran away after stealing my bloody heart!" He sighed dramatically. Lorna wasn't fooled.
"Ya be a black-hearted old pirate, Silver! I believe every rotten tale I hear about ye!" She rose from his lap. Looking around, she snarled, "I'm surprised they even let ye in here!" She turned away from Silver. He stood up.
"Ye don't mean that, lass!" Leaning on his crutch for support, he ran toward her even as she turned her back on him. "Come up into my room tonight and I'll make it up to ye." He was desperate.
She spun around to face him. "You're a no-good-for-nothing old curl, Silver!" She smiled thinly. "That's why I'll be waiting on ye tonight! Don't make me regret what I'll to do you," she hissed before walking away. Her band of goggling friends trailed after her.
Silver smiled wistfully. Perching himself atop the barrel again, he cursed himself for being such a blind fool. On his shoulder, Polly cackled with mad laughter.
"Oh, someone's being a bad boy tonight, squawk!" The lobster crowed into Silver's ear, and the pirate roughly flipped the annoying Muppet off his shoulder. Tonight was going to be an interesting night indeed.
Lorna paced in her room. She was very apprehensive. Downstairs, she could hear the faint hum of the many conversations that were taking place downstairs. She had abandoned her friends after her conversation with Silver. The old rogue had caught her by surprise. She hadn't expected to see him here.
Running a comb through her hair, she peered into the mirror that stood near the foot of the bed. Pursing her lips, she recalled all of her previous encounters with Silver in her mind. She ended up getting the comb entangled in her hair when she remembered how he had first seduced her.
"He promised me a ship!" She growled under her breath, jerking the comb around in her hair. "He promised me romance, adventure!" She grunted as the comb skimmed along her scalp, causing her to wince. "And what did I get? She screamed as the comb lodged itself further into her hair. "Nothing, I tell ye, nothing!"
She ceased her pitiful cries. Feeling faint, she folded her arms across the dresser and buried her head. Beginning to sob, she cursed Silver constantly. He was in for a nasty treat tonight, she was positive of that.
From the bar, Mr. Daines, the inn's owner, watchfully eyed his patrons. Not a very trusting man, he was on constant look-out for any signs of mischievous trouble. When he caught sight of Old Silver at the back of the inn, he pulled his lips back in a snarl. He had no idea how the dirty old sea dog had found his way into the Boar's Throat, where he wasn't welcomed at all.
Throwing down the towel he had been drying dishes with, he stomped out from behind the bar. Casting his gaze about the room, he ordered a maid to oversee the bar while he pondered on what to do. Somehow he had to get Silver out of the inn without attracting any unwanted attention.
His mind wavered, however, when Lorna Charmers walked by him. He tried to catch her eye but she was too busy giggling with her ***** little friends. Discouraged, his head swerved to the door, which had just swung open.
More Muppets walked in. They were being led by a sassy, female pig. The saucy peace of bacon was a blond bombshell. She had a very big mouth and snout. Her gold, curly mane was long and thick. Her miniature pointy ears perked up when she caught sight of Daines.
"Hey, you, there! You got a job for a pig?" She pounded up to him, her hooves sliding roughly across the wooden floor. Daines smiled.
"Why, certain, miss, but why are you in a place called the Boar's Throat?" He folded his arms across his chest, amused. The pig snorted.
"Is that what this place is called?" She whipped her head around, taking a quick study of the other guests. When her survey was complete, she faced Daines once more, her dazzling, azure eyes blazing. "Why is it called that? Why don't you change it?"
Daines chuckled, "It's a long story miss. If I tell it to you, will you share it with our guests by singing and dancing? We need a flashy show girl like you."
Affronted, the pig gripped the collar of Daines' sweaty jerkin. She barked, "Pay me well, treat me well, and I might consider your offer. If you don't agree to my obligations, I will send my lovely Smollet on you!"
Taken aback, Daines blinked. Smollet? Was she talking about Captain Smollet, the raging volcano? The hopping mad frog? Curious, he decided to ask for her name first.
"It's Benjamina Gunn, mister, and don't you forget it!" She raised her head proudly. "I'm Captain Smollet's lover."
"Do you mean the Captain Smollet? The frog guy, right?" Daines knew his eyes were twinkling with merriment. Benjamina nodded firmly.
"Yes. He's the very frog you speak of. He's the only one who's allowed to call me Mina." She made a face. "It's such a disgusting little nickname." Daines roared with laughter.
"I like you, pig. Come over here and I'll tell you the story of this inn's beginning. Then you can sing and dance for us." He led her to the bar, forgetting Silver for a few brief moments.
Immensely entertained by the she pig's flashy entrance, Silver gave Polly's skull a swift tap and told the lobster to fetch him another beer. The Muppet reluctantly departed, and Silver gripped the hilt of his sword. He knew Gaines had seen him. The possessive innkeeper had probably already seen him with Lorna, too.
Knowing that trouble was inevitable, Silver stood up. Ducking behind the guests, he made himself invisible amongst the throng of spectators that had gathered toward the back of the inn.
Polly found him after awhile. The lobster scuttled up to Silver, clutching two tankards of beer in his pincers. Handing one to Silver, he kept the other pint for himself and took a sup. Silver frowned down at the drinking Muppet.
"You've had more than me already. Make this the last one," Silver scolded, taking a huge gulp of his own beer. Polly glared at him.
"You're the one to talk!" The lobster hiccupped. Swaying, the drunken Muppet grasped at Silver's trousers for sustention, blinking his watering eyes. Silver was about to berate him some more when the pig that Gaines must've just hired stepped onto a table and started to sing. Her song went like this:
Once there was a boar named Moe.
He wondered into this inn,
straight from a bleak hole.
Moe entered this town,
knowing it belonged to men.
He was broke and ugly,
and he never did win.
The men made it worse.
They stole and cursed.
They broke poor Moe,
who had nowhere else to go.
One day the inn ran out of food.
The men were hungry,
so they made fire and wood.
Unlucky Moe had no hope.
The men tied him up with a thick old rope.
They picked a man who would chop off his head.
Within seconds unlucky Moe was dead.
So goes the tale of Unlucky Moe,
the boar that came from a hole.
So goes the tale of how this inn earned its throat
The pig stopped singing. Looking mortified, she added in a whisper, "So goes the tale of how this inn's name is now wrote." She hung her head, ashamed and humiliated. The crowd watched in silence as she hunkered down on the table and leaped from it. She stormed up to the bar in a boiling fury.
"She didn't enjoy that," Silver pointed out needlessly. He was happily drunk now. He didn't know how he was going to get up the stairs.
"Ya think?" Polly smartly snapped. He deposited himself onto Silver's shoulder once more and urged the pirate away from the crowd, which was starting to disperse. It was getting late now. Everyone was heading for bed.
"I don't think!" Silver drunkenly replied. Dragging his crutch along, he staggered up the stairs, letting Polly lead him. The clunk of Silver's peg leg could be heard outside.
Lorna raised her head from her pillow. She bolted upright when she heard the familiar stomping of Silver's wooden peg. Sniffing, she dried her eyes and stood up. She shuffled to the door and opened it.
"Why, Silver! Ya be as drunk as a village idiot!" She caught Silver just before he fell through her doorway. She dragged him to the bed. "This might just make my job a lot easier." She hefted him onto the mattress. Polly squawked.
"What are you doing, woman? Daines knows we're here!" He landed on the bed. Lorna refrained herself from flipping him away.
"Daines? Why are you worried about him for?" She scooted Silver up further along the bed. She positioned his head on the pillow.
"Silver told me about the way he looks at you! If he knows Silver's up here he'll raise some serious heck, girl!" The lobster became frantic. Lorna shook her head.
"I only want him for a minute," she promised. She had lowered her hands down to Silver's belt buckle. She skillfully began to unzip his pants. Silver grunted.
"Oh, that feels nice, woman. Where did you get hands like that?" He was out of it. Lorna giggled spitefully.
"I got 'em from years of scrubbing, mate!" She started to remove the clothing that covered the upper-half of Silver's lean, well-built body. He seemed to be enjoying himself well enough so she went on, "After you left I spent years working as a maid. Men threw themselves at me all the time but I turned them down." She pinned his arms to the sheets with her bulging hands. "Do you want to know why I turned them down?"
Silver nodded wordlessly, unfazed by what she was saying.
"I was waiting for you to come back." She brought her face down to his. She bit his lip.
"I knew you would come back like the hapless dog ye are." She draped her mouth over his.
"Mmmm…that tastes yummy," Silver droned. He was so caught up in showering Lorna with kisses that he failed to notice the fact that she had twisted his peg away from the stump of his mauled leg.
"Uh, Silver….she's –ACK!" Polly screamed as Lorna kicked him from the bed. The lobster, stupefied, gaped as Lorna took Silver's crutch and raised it above her head. Polly watched, helpless, as she brought the prop down on Silver's skull.
"Come hear, you puny little shrimp!" Lorna roared once she had successfully knocked out Silver. With a battle cry, she lunged for Polly, who quivered in terror. She was going to kill him. He was done for.
"I'm not a shrimp!" He sobbed under Lorna's looming shadow. The woman was quick to scoop him in her hand.
"I'm going to lock you up." She carried him to her dresser and threw one of the drawers open. "I'm going to lock you up good." She took a string out from one of her apron pockets and tied him up with it. Ignoring his tiny squeals for help, she tossed him into the drawer, locking him away for good when she turned a key in the drawer's lock.
Satisfied with how the night's events had turned out, Lorna picked up Silver's crutch and peg from the floor and exited the room. She locked the door behind her, concealing Silver's pilfered possessions behind her back.
No one questioned her when she got back downstairs. When she entered the bar room, Daines and the singing pig were the only ones present. She nodded at them and made a run for the door but Daines intercepted her path.
"What have you've done, Miss. Charmers?" The man interrogated her, letting her smell his alcohol-filled breath. "You've gotten something behind ye back?" His busy hands pried away at her spine. They found Silver's belongings.
"Yes. I stole them from Silver. Now let me go!" She glared defiantly at him, only enticing him further.
"Oh, so you're a pretty little thief now, aren't ye?" His hands ventured toward her breasts. She went to back away from him but he pulled her roughly toward him.
"Let me go!" She shouted the order at him again and tried to turn away from his musky scent, which clung to her like a foul, greedy demon. He ignored her.
"I'll know you'll like this, miss." He nibbled at her ears and neck. "All the girls like what I do to them."
"You're messing with the wrong girl!"
At the shout, Daines started. He dropped Lorna to the floor and spun around. He found himself facing Benjamina. The feisty pig was wielding a gun. She had it pointed straight at Daines' chest.
"Ye really don't want to shoot me, miss. I'm the only one who's paying you." Daines sounded pretty sure of his self. Benjamina didn't look too confident of his abilities.
"I would roll around in mud before I would work with you!" Benjamina inched her pudgy fingers toward the trigger. Lorna spoke up.
"Hey, Daines. I've got a surprise for you," she tempted the man in a lustful voice. He careened his hand around to stare at her. When he did, Lorna brought Silver's crutch down on his head.
"I thought pigs liked mud?" She gave Benjamina a quizzical glance. The pig smiled.
"It's a secret guilty pleasure we have." She crouched over Daines' impassive body. "Would you help me carry him outside?"
"I would love to." Lorna lowered herself over Daines and grabbed his arms. With a mighty heave she helped Benjamina carry him out into the ebony night.
When Silver awoke, he discovered he had a pounding head. Groaning, he rolled over on his side and ended up falling out of the bed. He looked anxiously for his crutch and peg when he discovered that both were missing.
"Curse that vile woman to the seven hellish seas!" He roared, twisting on the floor. "I'll burn her at the stake, I will!" He dug his fingers into the floor and dragged himself to the door. He paused in his daunting task when he heard the tiny screams coming from the dresser drawer.
"Polly? Is that you, you bloody shrimp?" Silver called out to the lobster, knowing that it could only be the easily misplaced Muppet.
"Aye, you know it's me, Silver! Let me out! Lorna ambushed us!"
Barely able to hear Polly's brief account on what had happened last night, Silver painstakingly pulled himself up along the dresser's façade. He didn't stop questing until his hands accidentally fell upon a toothpick that had been left foolishly on top of the dresser. Smiling weakly, Silver forcefully turned the pick into the keyhole he wanted and jangled the lock loose, freeing Polly from his prison.
"Oh, thank the pirate lords! Ya found me, Silver!" Polly was jubilant as he returned to his familiar perch on Silver's shoulder.
"Yeah, yeah, I know. Let's get out of this blasted place before I start loosing more body parts," Silver murmured before dropping to the floor again. His face fell when he saw that the front door was locked shut.
Benjamina hummed to herself as she trotted upstairs. It was a perfect morning. All was quiet and still. The guests were gone. She and Lorna had already decided to turn the inn into a cleaner place for everyone.
Her contented mind was disturbed when she started to walk by the rooms. Once she reached one of the upper floor's accommodations, she halted. She could hear brief, frantic shouting coming from behind the door she had paused in front of.
"Let me out of here now!"
"Yes, let us out!"
Benjamina snickered. Shaking her head, she went back downstairs to get a key. When she came back to the door, she unlocked it. She nearly fell over the banister behind her upon discovering who had been locked in the room.
"How did you get here? How did you get in the floor?" She didn't move. She could only stare at the bedraggled pirate who crawled at her hooves.
"I be Long John Silver, Miss. Do you happen to know a fine lass named Lorna?" He clutched at her dress. She batted him away.
"What if I did? I wouldn't dream of striking up a conversation with a dirty old hound like you!" She headed back down the stairs. "You're getting down on you own." She fled, knowing the pirate was dragging himself after her.
Benjamina met up with Lorna downstairs. The woman was radiant and glowing. Beaming, she said, "Why, Benjamina! What's got you so upset?"
Flustered, Benjamina started to babble. She told Lorna about finding Silver in her room but the woman didn't seem to be listening to anything the pig was saying.
"I'm sorry, Benjamina. I don't know what's troubling you." Lorna was forlorn. Admiring Benjamina's hair, she finished, "But I came to tell you I'm leaving. I'm leaving town."
Benjamina gaped at Lorna, appalled. Enraged, she spluttered, "What are you saying? You can't just leave me here! We were going to work on this together!"
Smiling sadly, Lorna explained, "I know, but I just can't stay here. This isn't the life for me. I need to be out on that ocean. I'm sure you can find someone else to help you out with this place." She winked.
"If you talking about that guy who I just found in you room, you can forget it!" Benjamina obstinately flared her snout. Lorna's face grew brighter.
"Yes, I mean Silver. Make him work like a slave. You'll be thankful I left him here for you." She turned to the door. "Good luck, Benjamina." She walked out of the inn. No one ever saw her in town again.
Benjamina had seduced Silver. It hadn't taken the pig very long to win the pirate over to her graces. In no time at all she had him dusting and washing dishes. Oh, she did her fair share of the work, too, but it was always a sight to see a grown man working for a womanly pig such as herself.
It took weeks of hard work but the inn was transformed into a family-friendly restaurant. The bar had been replaced by a sea food buffet and the plain, wooden tables were furnished with decorative cloths. The barrels guests had lounged in were replaced by traditional chairs.
Everything was looking flashy and spiffy.
"We did some mighty fine work, didn't we, Mina?" Silver taunted her. Standing by her side, he ran his fingers through her sunny hair. Both pirate and pig were facing the restaurant's exterior, which was bathed in the darkness of the night. It had taken them all day to put the last finishing touches on their little place. Now that it was completely constructed, Benjamina felt nothing but pride.
"Yes, but I forbid you to call me Mina again." She punched him in the ribs. Silver barely flinched.
"Why? Is your lovely Smollet the only one who can call you Mina?" He breathed in her ear, giving her goose bumps.
"Yes. I told you that," she grumbled, suppressing a shudder. Silver lightly ran his immense fingers over her cherry cheek.
"All right, Mina. Don't you want to change the sign, though?" He tilted her head up, and Benjamina cringed in horror.
"Oh, yes, that will have to go," she agreed, eyeing the crude depiction of the severed boar's head that marred the former inn's sign. She couldn't imagine anyone wanting to paint something so vile.
"It can wait 'till morning. We've done enough tonight," Silver yawned. He leaned heavily on his crutch. His bad leg was troubling him. It hadn't been acting right since Lorna had stolen his last peg and crutch. He had only found a replacement for the latter and it was neither firm nor sturdy enough for his liking.
"Yup, I agree, Silver," Polly said from Silver's shoulder. The indolent lobster had done little to help out with the construction of the restaurant.
"Shut up, you." Silver coolly flicked the Muppet from its usual perch.
"Well said," Benjamina commented under her breath. She bounded back into the inn after Silver boxed one of her ears.
Benjamina had trouble sleeping that night. She tossed and turned for hours before deciding to get out of bed. Something was nagging at the back of her mind. She was getting paranoid.
Huffing, she pounded downstairs. She left Silver in the bed they had shared, not wanting to disturb him. He had been too tired to even pester her for sex, which she always refused him anyway. She was saving her love for her exquisite, Captain Smollet.
Smiling at the thought of seeing her beloved frog again, Benjamina danced to the door. She was very close to opening it when it suddenly unbolted, nearly bashing her to the floor.
"Where is the singing pig?" A massive boar thudded into the inn. He was leading a horde of other boar Muppets. Benjamina huddled near the door, watching these opposing, new guests. How did they know of her performance?"
"She was here, O Great Leader! I watched her sing and dance horribly offensive song!" A smaller boar spoke up. From her hiding place, Benjamina glared at him. What was he doing at the inn anyway? He was a boar, a close relation to the pig family. He was offending them just by being here…His grammar was dreadful, too.
She swore. Why did she come here in the first place? Well, she had been broke for one thing. She and Smollet had shared a rather aggressive augment days before she had decided to leave him. He was called the Raging Volcano for a reason, and Benjamina often found herself debating over the most trifle things with her ill-tempered lover. She didn't how they ended up falling for each other. It was a mystery she would never solve.
Getting restless, she shifted her hunched body. One of the boars heard her slight movement and shouted, "There she is, Great One! Singing Pig!"
Benjamina decided to jump from the door's shadow. She challenged, "So what if I sung that stupid song? After seeing you now I'm starting to think that you lot are just like poor, unlucky Moe! He was stupid, too! Come and get me, you filthy, stinky, hogs!" She spread her arms wide.
"Capture big mouth singing pig!" the giant boar gave the order to his men, and they clumsily descended on Benjamina, who allowed her captors to take her away. She silently wished Silver the best of luck.
Moaning, Daines stretched his limps. Rising his head from the stone wall he was leaning against, he swayed to his feet. Clasping his back, he swaggered down the street. He didn't know where he was going. He didn't even know how he had even reached the alley he had just gotten out of. He was drunk with pain.
Walking like a zombie, he fished a match out of one of his trouser pockets. Finding a nearby barrel, he struck the match against the beer container's wood, creating a blooming spark on the tip of the match.
"Burn, my lost child, burn." He grinned. He had reached his goal. He was standing before his violated inn now. He was going to put it out of its misery. "Light it, blaze, light it!"
Cackling, he tossed the match at the foot of the tavern, which, in a split second, burst up in flames.
He walked away from the hellish sight, whistling cheerfully into the night.
Silver, racked by a coughing fit, forced himself out of bed. There was smoke everywhere. He was engulfed in blackness as he blindly lurched for the door.
"Silver! The inn's on fire! Silver, where are you?" Polly was shouting hysterically. Searching through the pitch blackness, Silver's blackened hand found the petrified lobster on the edge of the bed. Scooping the Muppet up, he snatched his crutch from its position at the bed post and struggled out the door.
He searched for Benjamina once he was closer to the exit. He shouted hoarsely for the pig put got no response. He didn't see any sign of her, either. Giving up on ever finding her, he halfheartedly backed out of the inn. Much later, he watched the lonesome place burn down to nothing.
"Good, riddance, right, Silver?" The fire danced in Polly's eyes.
Silver didn't reply. He just slowly nodded and stared up into the cloudy sky. The moon was grinning deviously down at them.
Jim, realizing Silver had been silent for far too long, stopped peeling. The cabin boy was starting to worry about the old crook.
"Silver? Are you all right, sir?" Jim stood up from his chair. He quietly approached Silver's table and placed a light hand on the chef's shoulder.
"
Everything's as right as rain, lad." Silver's voice sounded far away.
"What were you thinking about just now?" Jim just had to ask. Silver smiled.
"Well, boy, I would tell you, but –" The cook's sentence was cut off. Out on deck, the Muppets had started to sing.
THE END
1
On board the Hispaniola…
Jim felt as if he was in a volcano. Letting out a raspy breath, he absentmindedly peeled away the skin from another fresh, emerald apple. Its way too hot, he thought, keeping his head low. Too hot to be stuck in this cabin, anyway.
Behind him, he could feel Silver's sharp, watchful gaze on his sweating back, and Jim wondered if the old cook knew his thoughts. The cabin boy wouldn't be surprised if the one-legged scoundrel was picking into his idled mind at that moment, which seemed to drag on and on as the day grew hotter.
"Jim, my boy! How are those apples comin'?" Silver's rough, growling voice wafted over Jim, who bowed his head to hide the sheepish grin that graced his warm face.
"They're all right, I believe. How are you coming along?" Jim worked furiously, keeping his head bowed. Silver chuckled.
"They're fine, lad. I feel like I'm in a bloody cauldron but everything's just peachy." He shifted his crutch across the floor. Jim winced.
"Are you sure? I feel like we both could use a break." Jim tightly gripped the hilt of the knife he grasped in his clammy fingers, hoping Silver wouldn't think of him as being feeble.
"A break sounds lovely, mate, but I think we're safer in here," the bearded man voiced his opinion on the matter. Jim breathed out a relived sigh.
"Yes, the crew is getting a bit rowdy, huh?" He grimaced, thinking of the outlandish crew members who had been hired for this voyage.
He found it hard to believe that only nine days had passed since his departure from home. He was already starting to miss the good old Binbow Inn.
"Homesick, aren't ye?" Silver laughed when Jim's head shot up. The astonished young man gaped at his elder companion, lost for words. Silver conjured a devilish grin and added, "I know the feelin', laddie, don't think I don't. I'm missin' somethin' right now."
Jim blinked. "What?" The knife he was fumbling with dropped to the floor. He bent down to pick the tool up, waiting for Silver's reply. When the scalawag said nothing for the next several minutes, Jim rose from the floor, wielding the knife in his hand. Without another word he returned to his seat and went back to work.
2
Silver watched the boy in silence, stroking his beard. He was getting too close to the lad. If he didn't guard his feelings, Jim would sense his inner demons immediately. The boy was smart. Too smart, perhaps.
Shaking his head of dark curls, Silver closed his eyes. Tearing away at another apple, his mind went back to a time when his charms had worked their magic perfectly on the flirtatious tavern broads who used to flock to his bed and table every night.
He remembered Lorna and Benjamina.
3
Seemingly a lifetime ago, at the Boar's Throat Inn...
The tavern was bustling with life. Muppets and humans alike traversed around each other as they went about their daily business. Watching the activity from atop a barrel, Long John Silver smiled. A couple of giggling wenches sauntered by him, bouncing their bodices.
"Why, hello, ladies! May I interest you in a pint of ale?" He leaned backwards slightly, tipping his hat toward the women, who were all fairly young. They placed their hands over their full, crimson lips and batted their eyelashes at him. One of the girls was brave enough to speak up to him.
"Well, well. Look what we have here, ladies. It's the famous Long John Silver!" The lass raised her smooth, drawling voice. She swayed up to Silver. Grinning mischievously, she caressed his short beard, probing her fingers along his squared chin.
"How do ye know my name, miss?" Silver extended one of his rough hands over the girl's long, auburn hair. He pressed his face up against hers. "Do I know yours?" He lowered his voice a notch. She narrowed her brow.
"Now, Silver. That ain't too mannerly of ye." Her face softened. Gripping the back of his broad neck with a firm hand, she flicked a lock of dark hair out of his eyes. "Ye haven't forgotten me, have ye?" She seized him up.
Silver swallowed. He couldn't remember her name. She was going to slay him for certain.
"Its Lorna, ye blasted, womanizing fool!" She slapped him across the face. "Have you slept with so many women that ye can't even remember me? I was the cursed witch, remember?"
Silver rubbed his throbbing jaw, and a light of new understanding dawned across his bewildered expression. "Ay, Lorna. I remember you now." He clutched her in a tight embrace. "Ye ran away after stealing my bloody heart!" He sighed dramatically. Lorna wasn't fooled.
"Ya be a black-hearted old pirate, Silver! I believe every rotten tale I hear about ye!" She rose from his lap. Looking around, she snarled, "I'm surprised they even let ye in here!" She turned away from Silver. He stood up.
"Ye don't mean that, lass!" Leaning on his crutch for support, he ran toward her even as she turned her back on him. "Come up into my room tonight and I'll make it up to ye." He was desperate.
She spun around to face him. "You're a no-good-for-nothing old curl, Silver!" She smiled thinly. "That's why I'll be waiting on ye tonight! Don't make me regret what I'll to do you," she hissed before walking away. Her band of goggling friends trailed after her.
Silver smiled wistfully. Perching himself atop the barrel again, he cursed himself for being such a blind fool. On his shoulder, Polly cackled with mad laughter.
"Oh, someone's being a bad boy tonight, squawk!" The lobster crowed into Silver's ear, and the pirate roughly flipped the annoying Muppet off his shoulder. Tonight was going to be an interesting night indeed.
4
Lorna paced in her room. She was very apprehensive. Downstairs, she could hear the faint hum of the many conversations that were taking place downstairs. She had abandoned her friends after her conversation with Silver. The old rogue had caught her by surprise. She hadn't expected to see him here.
Running a comb through her hair, she peered into the mirror that stood near the foot of the bed. Pursing her lips, she recalled all of her previous encounters with Silver in her mind. She ended up getting the comb entangled in her hair when she remembered how he had first seduced her.
"He promised me a ship!" She growled under her breath, jerking the comb around in her hair. "He promised me romance, adventure!" She grunted as the comb skimmed along her scalp, causing her to wince. "And what did I get? She screamed as the comb lodged itself further into her hair. "Nothing, I tell ye, nothing!"
She ceased her pitiful cries. Feeling faint, she folded her arms across the dresser and buried her head. Beginning to sob, she cursed Silver constantly. He was in for a nasty treat tonight, she was positive of that.
5
From the bar, Mr. Daines, the inn's owner, watchfully eyed his patrons. Not a very trusting man, he was on constant look-out for any signs of mischievous trouble. When he caught sight of Old Silver at the back of the inn, he pulled his lips back in a snarl. He had no idea how the dirty old sea dog had found his way into the Boar's Throat, where he wasn't welcomed at all.
Throwing down the towel he had been drying dishes with, he stomped out from behind the bar. Casting his gaze about the room, he ordered a maid to oversee the bar while he pondered on what to do. Somehow he had to get Silver out of the inn without attracting any unwanted attention.
His mind wavered, however, when Lorna Charmers walked by him. He tried to catch her eye but she was too busy giggling with her ***** little friends. Discouraged, his head swerved to the door, which had just swung open.
More Muppets walked in. They were being led by a sassy, female pig. The saucy peace of bacon was a blond bombshell. She had a very big mouth and snout. Her gold, curly mane was long and thick. Her miniature pointy ears perked up when she caught sight of Daines.
"Hey, you, there! You got a job for a pig?" She pounded up to him, her hooves sliding roughly across the wooden floor. Daines smiled.
"Why, certain, miss, but why are you in a place called the Boar's Throat?" He folded his arms across his chest, amused. The pig snorted.
"Is that what this place is called?" She whipped her head around, taking a quick study of the other guests. When her survey was complete, she faced Daines once more, her dazzling, azure eyes blazing. "Why is it called that? Why don't you change it?"
Daines chuckled, "It's a long story miss. If I tell it to you, will you share it with our guests by singing and dancing? We need a flashy show girl like you."
Affronted, the pig gripped the collar of Daines' sweaty jerkin. She barked, "Pay me well, treat me well, and I might consider your offer. If you don't agree to my obligations, I will send my lovely Smollet on you!"
Taken aback, Daines blinked. Smollet? Was she talking about Captain Smollet, the raging volcano? The hopping mad frog? Curious, he decided to ask for her name first.
"It's Benjamina Gunn, mister, and don't you forget it!" She raised her head proudly. "I'm Captain Smollet's lover."
"Do you mean the Captain Smollet? The frog guy, right?" Daines knew his eyes were twinkling with merriment. Benjamina nodded firmly.
"Yes. He's the very frog you speak of. He's the only one who's allowed to call me Mina." She made a face. "It's such a disgusting little nickname." Daines roared with laughter.
"I like you, pig. Come over here and I'll tell you the story of this inn's beginning. Then you can sing and dance for us." He led her to the bar, forgetting Silver for a few brief moments.
6
Immensely entertained by the she pig's flashy entrance, Silver gave Polly's skull a swift tap and told the lobster to fetch him another beer. The Muppet reluctantly departed, and Silver gripped the hilt of his sword. He knew Gaines had seen him. The possessive innkeeper had probably already seen him with Lorna, too.
Knowing that trouble was inevitable, Silver stood up. Ducking behind the guests, he made himself invisible amongst the throng of spectators that had gathered toward the back of the inn.
Polly found him after awhile. The lobster scuttled up to Silver, clutching two tankards of beer in his pincers. Handing one to Silver, he kept the other pint for himself and took a sup. Silver frowned down at the drinking Muppet.
"You've had more than me already. Make this the last one," Silver scolded, taking a huge gulp of his own beer. Polly glared at him.
"You're the one to talk!" The lobster hiccupped. Swaying, the drunken Muppet grasped at Silver's trousers for sustention, blinking his watering eyes. Silver was about to berate him some more when the pig that Gaines must've just hired stepped onto a table and started to sing. Her song went like this:
Once there was a boar named Moe.
He wondered into this inn,
straight from a bleak hole.
Moe entered this town,
knowing it belonged to men.
He was broke and ugly,
and he never did win.
The men made it worse.
They stole and cursed.
They broke poor Moe,
who had nowhere else to go.
One day the inn ran out of food.
The men were hungry,
so they made fire and wood.
Unlucky Moe had no hope.
The men tied him up with a thick old rope.
They picked a man who would chop off his head.
Within seconds unlucky Moe was dead.
So goes the tale of Unlucky Moe,
the boar that came from a hole.
So goes the tale of how this inn earned its throat
The pig stopped singing. Looking mortified, she added in a whisper, "So goes the tale of how this inn's name is now wrote." She hung her head, ashamed and humiliated. The crowd watched in silence as she hunkered down on the table and leaped from it. She stormed up to the bar in a boiling fury.
"She didn't enjoy that," Silver pointed out needlessly. He was happily drunk now. He didn't know how he was going to get up the stairs.
"Ya think?" Polly smartly snapped. He deposited himself onto Silver's shoulder once more and urged the pirate away from the crowd, which was starting to disperse. It was getting late now. Everyone was heading for bed.
"I don't think!" Silver drunkenly replied. Dragging his crutch along, he staggered up the stairs, letting Polly lead him. The clunk of Silver's peg leg could be heard outside.
7
Lorna raised her head from her pillow. She bolted upright when she heard the familiar stomping of Silver's wooden peg. Sniffing, she dried her eyes and stood up. She shuffled to the door and opened it.
"Why, Silver! Ya be as drunk as a village idiot!" She caught Silver just before he fell through her doorway. She dragged him to the bed. "This might just make my job a lot easier." She hefted him onto the mattress. Polly squawked.
"What are you doing, woman? Daines knows we're here!" He landed on the bed. Lorna refrained herself from flipping him away.
"Daines? Why are you worried about him for?" She scooted Silver up further along the bed. She positioned his head on the pillow.
"Silver told me about the way he looks at you! If he knows Silver's up here he'll raise some serious heck, girl!" The lobster became frantic. Lorna shook her head.
"I only want him for a minute," she promised. She had lowered her hands down to Silver's belt buckle. She skillfully began to unzip his pants. Silver grunted.
"Oh, that feels nice, woman. Where did you get hands like that?" He was out of it. Lorna giggled spitefully.
"I got 'em from years of scrubbing, mate!" She started to remove the clothing that covered the upper-half of Silver's lean, well-built body. He seemed to be enjoying himself well enough so she went on, "After you left I spent years working as a maid. Men threw themselves at me all the time but I turned them down." She pinned his arms to the sheets with her bulging hands. "Do you want to know why I turned them down?"
Silver nodded wordlessly, unfazed by what she was saying.
"I was waiting for you to come back." She brought her face down to his. She bit his lip.
"I knew you would come back like the hapless dog ye are." She draped her mouth over his.
"Mmmm…that tastes yummy," Silver droned. He was so caught up in showering Lorna with kisses that he failed to notice the fact that she had twisted his peg away from the stump of his mauled leg.
"Uh, Silver….she's –ACK!" Polly screamed as Lorna kicked him from the bed. The lobster, stupefied, gaped as Lorna took Silver's crutch and raised it above her head. Polly watched, helpless, as she brought the prop down on Silver's skull.
"Come hear, you puny little shrimp!" Lorna roared once she had successfully knocked out Silver. With a battle cry, she lunged for Polly, who quivered in terror. She was going to kill him. He was done for.
"I'm not a shrimp!" He sobbed under Lorna's looming shadow. The woman was quick to scoop him in her hand.
"I'm going to lock you up." She carried him to her dresser and threw one of the drawers open. "I'm going to lock you up good." She took a string out from one of her apron pockets and tied him up with it. Ignoring his tiny squeals for help, she tossed him into the drawer, locking him away for good when she turned a key in the drawer's lock.
Satisfied with how the night's events had turned out, Lorna picked up Silver's crutch and peg from the floor and exited the room. She locked the door behind her, concealing Silver's pilfered possessions behind her back.
No one questioned her when she got back downstairs. When she entered the bar room, Daines and the singing pig were the only ones present. She nodded at them and made a run for the door but Daines intercepted her path.
"What have you've done, Miss. Charmers?" The man interrogated her, letting her smell his alcohol-filled breath. "You've gotten something behind ye back?" His busy hands pried away at her spine. They found Silver's belongings.
"Yes. I stole them from Silver. Now let me go!" She glared defiantly at him, only enticing him further.
"Oh, so you're a pretty little thief now, aren't ye?" His hands ventured toward her breasts. She went to back away from him but he pulled her roughly toward him.
"Let me go!" She shouted the order at him again and tried to turn away from his musky scent, which clung to her like a foul, greedy demon. He ignored her.
"I'll know you'll like this, miss." He nibbled at her ears and neck. "All the girls like what I do to them."
"You're messing with the wrong girl!"
At the shout, Daines started. He dropped Lorna to the floor and spun around. He found himself facing Benjamina. The feisty pig was wielding a gun. She had it pointed straight at Daines' chest.
"Ye really don't want to shoot me, miss. I'm the only one who's paying you." Daines sounded pretty sure of his self. Benjamina didn't look too confident of his abilities.
"I would roll around in mud before I would work with you!" Benjamina inched her pudgy fingers toward the trigger. Lorna spoke up.
"Hey, Daines. I've got a surprise for you," she tempted the man in a lustful voice. He careened his hand around to stare at her. When he did, Lorna brought Silver's crutch down on his head.
"I thought pigs liked mud?" She gave Benjamina a quizzical glance. The pig smiled.
"It's a secret guilty pleasure we have." She crouched over Daines' impassive body. "Would you help me carry him outside?"
"I would love to." Lorna lowered herself over Daines and grabbed his arms. With a mighty heave she helped Benjamina carry him out into the ebony night.
8
When Silver awoke, he discovered he had a pounding head. Groaning, he rolled over on his side and ended up falling out of the bed. He looked anxiously for his crutch and peg when he discovered that both were missing.
"Curse that vile woman to the seven hellish seas!" He roared, twisting on the floor. "I'll burn her at the stake, I will!" He dug his fingers into the floor and dragged himself to the door. He paused in his daunting task when he heard the tiny screams coming from the dresser drawer.
"Polly? Is that you, you bloody shrimp?" Silver called out to the lobster, knowing that it could only be the easily misplaced Muppet.
"Aye, you know it's me, Silver! Let me out! Lorna ambushed us!"
Barely able to hear Polly's brief account on what had happened last night, Silver painstakingly pulled himself up along the dresser's façade. He didn't stop questing until his hands accidentally fell upon a toothpick that had been left foolishly on top of the dresser. Smiling weakly, Silver forcefully turned the pick into the keyhole he wanted and jangled the lock loose, freeing Polly from his prison.
"Oh, thank the pirate lords! Ya found me, Silver!" Polly was jubilant as he returned to his familiar perch on Silver's shoulder.
"Yeah, yeah, I know. Let's get out of this blasted place before I start loosing more body parts," Silver murmured before dropping to the floor again. His face fell when he saw that the front door was locked shut.
9
Benjamina hummed to herself as she trotted upstairs. It was a perfect morning. All was quiet and still. The guests were gone. She and Lorna had already decided to turn the inn into a cleaner place for everyone.
Her contented mind was disturbed when she started to walk by the rooms. Once she reached one of the upper floor's accommodations, she halted. She could hear brief, frantic shouting coming from behind the door she had paused in front of.
"Let me out of here now!"
"Yes, let us out!"
Benjamina snickered. Shaking her head, she went back downstairs to get a key. When she came back to the door, she unlocked it. She nearly fell over the banister behind her upon discovering who had been locked in the room.
"How did you get here? How did you get in the floor?" She didn't move. She could only stare at the bedraggled pirate who crawled at her hooves.
"I be Long John Silver, Miss. Do you happen to know a fine lass named Lorna?" He clutched at her dress. She batted him away.
"What if I did? I wouldn't dream of striking up a conversation with a dirty old hound like you!" She headed back down the stairs. "You're getting down on you own." She fled, knowing the pirate was dragging himself after her.
Benjamina met up with Lorna downstairs. The woman was radiant and glowing. Beaming, she said, "Why, Benjamina! What's got you so upset?"
Flustered, Benjamina started to babble. She told Lorna about finding Silver in her room but the woman didn't seem to be listening to anything the pig was saying.
"I'm sorry, Benjamina. I don't know what's troubling you." Lorna was forlorn. Admiring Benjamina's hair, she finished, "But I came to tell you I'm leaving. I'm leaving town."
Benjamina gaped at Lorna, appalled. Enraged, she spluttered, "What are you saying? You can't just leave me here! We were going to work on this together!"
Smiling sadly, Lorna explained, "I know, but I just can't stay here. This isn't the life for me. I need to be out on that ocean. I'm sure you can find someone else to help you out with this place." She winked.
"If you talking about that guy who I just found in you room, you can forget it!" Benjamina obstinately flared her snout. Lorna's face grew brighter.
"Yes, I mean Silver. Make him work like a slave. You'll be thankful I left him here for you." She turned to the door. "Good luck, Benjamina." She walked out of the inn. No one ever saw her in town again.
10
Benjamina had seduced Silver. It hadn't taken the pig very long to win the pirate over to her graces. In no time at all she had him dusting and washing dishes. Oh, she did her fair share of the work, too, but it was always a sight to see a grown man working for a womanly pig such as herself.
It took weeks of hard work but the inn was transformed into a family-friendly restaurant. The bar had been replaced by a sea food buffet and the plain, wooden tables were furnished with decorative cloths. The barrels guests had lounged in were replaced by traditional chairs.
Everything was looking flashy and spiffy.
"We did some mighty fine work, didn't we, Mina?" Silver taunted her. Standing by her side, he ran his fingers through her sunny hair. Both pirate and pig were facing the restaurant's exterior, which was bathed in the darkness of the night. It had taken them all day to put the last finishing touches on their little place. Now that it was completely constructed, Benjamina felt nothing but pride.
"Yes, but I forbid you to call me Mina again." She punched him in the ribs. Silver barely flinched.
"Why? Is your lovely Smollet the only one who can call you Mina?" He breathed in her ear, giving her goose bumps.
"Yes. I told you that," she grumbled, suppressing a shudder. Silver lightly ran his immense fingers over her cherry cheek.
"All right, Mina. Don't you want to change the sign, though?" He tilted her head up, and Benjamina cringed in horror.
"Oh, yes, that will have to go," she agreed, eyeing the crude depiction of the severed boar's head that marred the former inn's sign. She couldn't imagine anyone wanting to paint something so vile.
"It can wait 'till morning. We've done enough tonight," Silver yawned. He leaned heavily on his crutch. His bad leg was troubling him. It hadn't been acting right since Lorna had stolen his last peg and crutch. He had only found a replacement for the latter and it was neither firm nor sturdy enough for his liking.
"Yup, I agree, Silver," Polly said from Silver's shoulder. The indolent lobster had done little to help out with the construction of the restaurant.
"Shut up, you." Silver coolly flicked the Muppet from its usual perch.
"Well said," Benjamina commented under her breath. She bounded back into the inn after Silver boxed one of her ears.
11
Benjamina had trouble sleeping that night. She tossed and turned for hours before deciding to get out of bed. Something was nagging at the back of her mind. She was getting paranoid.
Huffing, she pounded downstairs. She left Silver in the bed they had shared, not wanting to disturb him. He had been too tired to even pester her for sex, which she always refused him anyway. She was saving her love for her exquisite, Captain Smollet.
Smiling at the thought of seeing her beloved frog again, Benjamina danced to the door. She was very close to opening it when it suddenly unbolted, nearly bashing her to the floor.
"Where is the singing pig?" A massive boar thudded into the inn. He was leading a horde of other boar Muppets. Benjamina huddled near the door, watching these opposing, new guests. How did they know of her performance?"
"She was here, O Great Leader! I watched her sing and dance horribly offensive song!" A smaller boar spoke up. From her hiding place, Benjamina glared at him. What was he doing at the inn anyway? He was a boar, a close relation to the pig family. He was offending them just by being here…His grammar was dreadful, too.
She swore. Why did she come here in the first place? Well, she had been broke for one thing. She and Smollet had shared a rather aggressive augment days before she had decided to leave him. He was called the Raging Volcano for a reason, and Benjamina often found herself debating over the most trifle things with her ill-tempered lover. She didn't how they ended up falling for each other. It was a mystery she would never solve.
Getting restless, she shifted her hunched body. One of the boars heard her slight movement and shouted, "There she is, Great One! Singing Pig!"
Benjamina decided to jump from the door's shadow. She challenged, "So what if I sung that stupid song? After seeing you now I'm starting to think that you lot are just like poor, unlucky Moe! He was stupid, too! Come and get me, you filthy, stinky, hogs!" She spread her arms wide.
"Capture big mouth singing pig!" the giant boar gave the order to his men, and they clumsily descended on Benjamina, who allowed her captors to take her away. She silently wished Silver the best of luck.
12
Moaning, Daines stretched his limps. Rising his head from the stone wall he was leaning against, he swayed to his feet. Clasping his back, he swaggered down the street. He didn't know where he was going. He didn't even know how he had even reached the alley he had just gotten out of. He was drunk with pain.
Walking like a zombie, he fished a match out of one of his trouser pockets. Finding a nearby barrel, he struck the match against the beer container's wood, creating a blooming spark on the tip of the match.
"Burn, my lost child, burn." He grinned. He had reached his goal. He was standing before his violated inn now. He was going to put it out of its misery. "Light it, blaze, light it!"
Cackling, he tossed the match at the foot of the tavern, which, in a split second, burst up in flames.
He walked away from the hellish sight, whistling cheerfully into the night.
13
Silver, racked by a coughing fit, forced himself out of bed. There was smoke everywhere. He was engulfed in blackness as he blindly lurched for the door.
"Silver! The inn's on fire! Silver, where are you?" Polly was shouting hysterically. Searching through the pitch blackness, Silver's blackened hand found the petrified lobster on the edge of the bed. Scooping the Muppet up, he snatched his crutch from its position at the bed post and struggled out the door.
He searched for Benjamina once he was closer to the exit. He shouted hoarsely for the pig put got no response. He didn't see any sign of her, either. Giving up on ever finding her, he halfheartedly backed out of the inn. Much later, he watched the lonesome place burn down to nothing.
"Good, riddance, right, Silver?" The fire danced in Polly's eyes.
Silver didn't reply. He just slowly nodded and stared up into the cloudy sky. The moon was grinning deviously down at them.
14
Jim, realizing Silver had been silent for far too long, stopped peeling. The cabin boy was starting to worry about the old crook.
"Silver? Are you all right, sir?" Jim stood up from his chair. He quietly approached Silver's table and placed a light hand on the chef's shoulder.
"
Everything's as right as rain, lad." Silver's voice sounded far away.
"What were you thinking about just now?" Jim just had to ask. Silver smiled.
"Well, boy, I would tell you, but –" The cook's sentence was cut off. Out on deck, the Muppets had started to sing.
THE END
