Animal's First Hair Cut

[minor muppetz]

Chapter 1

Kermit was having a meeting backstage at the Muppet Theater.

"Okay, everybody, listen up", said Kermit.

Everybody turned their ears towards the ceilling. Kermit scrunched his face.

"Anyway, the health and safety inspector is going to be here any minute..."

"And that minute would be 2:51 PM", said the health inspector, who showed up right behind Kermit from out of nowhere and held his watch to Kermit's face, "doesn't my watch say it's 2:51 PM?"

"Actually", said Kermit, "it's now 2:52".

"And my watch says it's 2:50", said Walter.

"And Moi's cell phone says it's still 2:51", said Piggy.

"AM or PM?", asked the health inspector.

"What does it matter?", said Kermit, "Shouldn't you be here to inspect... Uh, then again, take all the time you need to discuss time!"

"Actually I got to inspect another place in ten minutes", said the inspector, "according to that guy's watch" as he pointed to Walter.

"Well, we've been working hard to make this place as clean, safe, and healthy as possible", said Kermit.

Beauregard then showed up carrying a big pile of dirt.

"Where do you want all the dirt?", asked Bo.

"Uh, throw it in the dumpster out back", said Kermit.

Beauregard left.

"I'll have to schedule an appointment to inspect your dumpster next Tuesday", said the inspector as he wrote in his note pad.

"Wow", said Janice, "Like, I didn't think anybody was still using note pads."

"I would have thought he'd use a cell phone", said Dr. Teeth.

"I would have thought he'd use smoke signals", said Zoot.

"Did somebody say SMOKE SIGNALS?", yelled Crazy Harry.

"NO!", yelled everybody.

But it was too late. Crazy Harry set off an explosion, and the smoke spelled out "The Muppet Show".

"Hmm", said the inspector, "His spelling has certainly improved."

"Yeah", said Fozzie, "But I wouldn't ask him to write my jokes. They would just bomb."

"Did somebody say 'bomb'?", yelled Crazy Harry, setting off another explosion.

Everybody coughed.

"Don't you remember what I told you about making bomb jokes?", asked Kermit.

"Did somebody say..."

"NO!", yelled Kermit.

Crazy Harry pulled down his plunger... But it was out of explosion fuel.

"Well, I need a raise", said Crazy Harry.

"When you told me", said Fozzie, "I thought that was just Constantine pretending to be you."

"TITLE PLOT! TITLE PLOT!", yelled Animal.

"Uh, yes", said Kermit, "Let's get to the..."

"But first", interrupted the inspector, "I'm going to inspect the food."

Down in the canteen...

"So Chef, what have you cooked this time?", said the inspector.

"Derr dee duhg yoff, yum tret tue perlump derr ver stu!"

"I don't know what he said", said the inspector, "But I assume it's italian."

The inspector looked at The Swedish Chef's food... .Which included smoked sausage with brown smoke coming out, burnt ice cream, a moldy-looking sandwich...

"This sandwich doesn't look very healthy", said the inspector.

"I'd rather be sick than go to Vets Hospital", said the sandwich, "it's the only thing that makes my ears feel worse than Fozzie's jokes."

The sandwich then threw up.

"Eww!", shouted everybody.

"Did we really need that in a Muppet fan fiction?", asked Walter.

Everybody agreed that we didn't.

The Swedish Chef then brought out a cauldron of weird-looking sauce.

"Sauss sauss!", yelled The Swedish Chef.

"That doesn't look healthy, eith...."

But the inspector was interrupted by The Swedish Chef sticking a wooden spoon of the sauce in his mouth.

"This tastes disgusting", said the inspector... But then smoke started coming out of his ears, his eyes turned blood red, and he started running around screaming.


"Here", said Gladys as she handed the inspector a glass of water, "have some water."

"Not on your life!", said the inspector, "and I don't want to be a Vets Hospital patient, either!"

Shortly afterwards...

"The chef's cooking sure is bad", said the inspector, "but at least it's improved since last time."

"TITLE PLOT! TITLE PLOT!", yelled Animal.

"Yes, we're getting there", said Kermit.

"Actually", said the inspector, "looking at him and judging by his smell, we should get there now... But first I need to inspect the safety on Gonzo's acts, safety on the archs, need to make sure the balconies can't fall..."

"Oh, don't worry about that", said Fozzie.

"I also need to measure the length underneath the trap doors, and determine how far food can be thrown from the audience..."

"Well then go ahead!", said Fozzie.

Nine minutes later...

"Well, I'm almost done, and everything I've inspected so far is considered safe and healthy."

"Oh good", said Kermit.

"Actually", said Walter, "a line like that leads to bad news."

"I just need to inspect Animal", said the inspector.

"TITLE PLOT! TITLE PLOT!"

"Yes, Animal", said Kermit, "it's time to get to the title plot!"

"Though I think it's obvious by now what will happen, okay", said Pepe.

The inspector looked at Animal...

"I see some disgusting bugs.... His breath smells like something a grouch wouldn't enjoy..."

Animal then breathed into his nose.

"Eww!", said the inspector.

The inspector then tripped onto Animal, causing Animal to bite him.

"Ahh!", screamed the inspector... "Well, Animal is up to code..."

"Oh good", said Kermit.

"Judging by the title of this fan fic I thought he wouldn't be", said Scooter.

"...for the most part", said the inspector.

"You had to say something, didn't you, Scooter?", said Kermit.

"His hair is just a little bit too long", said the inspector, "have it trimmed or this theater will be shut down."

"My uncle who owns the theater sure will be disapointed", said Scooter.

"I don't care", said the inspector, who then looked at Walter's watch, "and now I'm late."

He then left.

"Well, Animal it looks like you're going to get a hair cut", said Kermit.

"NOO! NO HAIR CUT!", yelled Animal, who ran away screaming.

"Animal has never had a hair cut before", said Floyd, "he's scared of barbers with scissors."

"Wait a minute", said Rizzo, "if he's never had a haircut before, and his hair is too long now, then shouldn't his hair be a lot longer by now?"

 

[minor muppetz]

Chapter 2

Floyd was struggling as he held on to Animal's chain.

"No haircut! No haircut!", screamed a scared Animal.

"You're got to get a hair cut", said Floyd, "the show depends on it."

"But, like, hair cuts are rully good", said Janice, "I see a hair stylist twice a month, fer sure!"

"I've never gotten a hair cut either", said Zoot, not wearing his hat and showing off his baldness.

"Uh, you're not helping", said Dr. Teeth.

"I'll say", said Lip.

"Say what?", asked Zoot.

Bunsen then came in.

"If Animal is afraid of going to the barber, then he should use the Muppet Labs Automatic Hair Cut Machine. It'll automatically cut his hair however fit, without harming him."

"No, no, no, no, no", said Animal, frantically shaking his head.

"Oh, you won't feel a thing", said Bunsen, "Beaker, bring in the machine."

Beaker pushed in the machine, basically a barber chair with a giant pair of scissors above it.

"Now, Beaker, will you get in the chair for your haircut?"

Beaker shook his head.

"Come on, Beaker", said Bunsen.

"Show Animal haircuts are not scary", said Floyd.

"Fer sure!"

Beaker let out an annoyed sigh and got in the chair, murmuring to himself.

"Push the button, Beakie!", said Bunsen.

"Mee mee meemee, meakie", mocked Beaker as he pushed the button.... except the scissors moved facing up, very slowly opening and closing but not coming into contact with his hair.

"Looks like something's wrong", said Dr. Teeth.

Suddenly, the scissors sprung up far into the air, struck to a spring attached to the machine.

"Beaker", said Bunsen, "Fix the machine!"

"Mee mee", sighed Beaker, getting out a screwdriver, opening the control panel, and tried fixing things... Only for the machine to start jumping up and down, with smoke coming out from the sides.

"Looks like something's wrong", said Janice.

The scissors lowered, and then the machine started chasing after Bunsen.

"Oh dear!", said Bunsen as he ran from the machine, the spring trying to reach Bunsen with the scissors.

"Slow down, I don't need a hair cut", said Bunsen, "I don't even have hair- Ahhhhhhh!"

The band and Beaker all watched as Bunsen was being attacked by his own machine.

The machine then blew up, and Bunsen got up, his clothes torn and scars all over his head.

"I thought getting a lab assistant would put an end to me getting that kind of abuse", said Bunsen, who then fainted.

"NO HAIR-CUT! NO HAIR-CUT!", yelled Animal.

"Mee mee mee mee mee", said Beaker.

"Scared of scissors?", asked Crazy Harry, "Then I'LL shorten his hair!"

"NOOOOOOOO....", yelled Animal, who ran away.

"Come back, Animal!", said Floyd, chasing him.

"This is going to be tough", said Dr. Teeth.

"You can say that again", said Janice.

"This is going to be tough", said Dr. Teeth.

Lips shook his head at the joke and grumbled slightly.

 

[minor muppetz]

Chapter 3

Animal had ran out of the theater, with Floyd chasing closely behind him.

"Come back, Animal!"

Animal got into the Electric Mayhem bus and started driving off.

"Oh no", said Floyd.

Kermit and Fozzie then came outside.

"What's going on?", asked Kermit.

"Animal just drove off in the bus", said Floyd, "he doesn't know how to drive."

"He doesn't have a license, either", said Fozzie.

Dr. Teeth, Janice, and Zoot then came out.

"Did ya catch Animal?", asked Dr. Teeth.

"Worse than that", said Floyd.

Animal was wildly driving the bus down the street, causing cars to crash.

"No hair cut!", shouted Animal.

Animal then drove the bus down the stairs to a subway station. Various characters were running from the bus. Animal laughed.

Down underground, Animal was speeding besides a subway.

The subway operator observed Animal.

"Oh, so you want to race, do you?", asked the subway operator, who then pulled a lever, making it run faster and cause all the passengers to fall backwards. Among the passengers was Mr. Johnson.

"That waiter must be driving the subway, too!", said Mr. Johnson grumpily.

Meanwhile, Floyd and Janice rode in a taxi driven by Beauregard.

"It's so great to drive a taxi again", said Beauregard, "my license comes in tomorrow."

"Well, he's, like, just as safe a driver as Animal", said Janice.

"But he can't play cool music", said Floyd.

"I can too!", said Beauregard, who got out his harmonica and started playing, letting the car go without moving the steering wheel.

"Uh, shouldn't you put your hands on the wheel?", asked Janice.

The taxi drove to the side, crashing into a parking garage.

Meanwhile, Animal got out of the subway station, laughing.

Soon, Animal was on the road again.... He drove the bus off a dock and into the river.

"Uh-oh", said Animal.

A fish then stuck its head out of the water.

"Say, you look like you could use a hair cut", said the fish, who then brought out some scissors.

Animal screamed.

 

[minor muppetz]

Chapter 4

Beauregard was still driving his cab, very dangerously, while Floyd and Janice were looking out the windows for Animal.

Beauregard drove over a fire hydrant.

"Like, I rully think that passengers should get insurance", said Janice.

They then got near the river, where Floyd spotted the bus.

"Hey, our bus is over there!", said Floyd, "park it, Bo!"

"Okay", said Beauregard.

Bean Bunny was about to sit by the dock, fishing equipment in hand.

"Aw, it's such a cute day to go fishing", said Bean.

As Bo parked his cab he hit and knocked Bean into the water.

Floyd got out.

"Animal!", shouted Floyd, "get over here!"

Animal happily swam over, running from a fish with scissors.

"No want haircut! No want haircut!", cried Animal.

Animal got out of the river, and then passed out.

"Dr. Teeth's going to be mad when he finds out about the bus", said Janice.

Floyd and Beauregard were dragging the passed-out Animal.

"Hey, I've got an idea!", said Floyd.

Soon, the passed-out Animal was laying in a barber chair, about to get his hair cut.

"Okay, so what kind of hair cut should he get?", asked the barber.

"According to the health inspector, it has to be this short", said Kermit, showing some comparison drawings of Animal's hair now and how it should look (not too short).

"It sure was convenient that he fell asleep when he did", said Rowlf.

The barber then got out his scissors and briefly opened or closed (or whatever you call the cutting motions when it's not really cutting anything) the scissors, causing Animal to wake up and notice he's at a barber shop.

"Ahhhhhh!!", screamed Animal, who tried to escape... only his hands and feet have been cuffed to the chair.

"It's okay, Animal!", said Floyd.

"No! Not okay! NOT O-KAY!"

"You know, I used to be afraid to get my hair cut", said Scooter, "but I would look at some comic books while getting it cut."

"I've got a comic book right now", said Robin.

"Well, let Animal look at it", said Scooter.

"Okay", said Robin, holding the comic book to Animal's face.

Animal laughed at the book while the barber was trimming his hair.

"Well, that's it", said the barber, "it's over."

"It's over?", said Animal, surprised.

"See?", said Floyd, "that didn't hurt, did it?"

"No", said Animal, "Want 'nother hair cut! Want 'nother hair cut!"

"Some other time", said Kermit, "we've got an inspector to see!"

So they went to see the health inspector.

"Hmm", said the inspector, using a ruler as he cut his hair, "it's definitely short enough."

"Yay!", said everybody.

"I guess your show is safe once again", sighed the inspector as he walked the other way.

"This is a cause for celebration!", said Dr. Teeth.

"Did somebody say celebration?", said Crazy Harry, who set off an explosion.

Kermit noticed the inspector crying.

"Uh, what's wrong?", said Kermit.

"His hair wasn't really a problem after all", said the inspector.

"WHAT?", yelled Kermit.

"I just hoped that if I used that excuse he'd be kicked out of the band", said the inspector.

"Huh", said Pepe, "we'd never thought about that option, okay!"

"Pepe!", said Kermit, scrunching his face.

"But you know", said Floyd, "we did go through a lot of trouble to get Animal his hair cut..."

"Like hair cut! Like hair cut!", yelled Animal.

"Well, I guess I did some good", said the inspector, "if not for me, he wouldn't have found he likes hair cuts."

"Actually", said Scooter, "it's because of me telling him to look at some comic books."

"And me holding a comic", said Robin.

"Well", said the inspector, "maybe I should go get my hair cut."

"Oh, what a perfect opportunity to test the Muppet Labs Automatic Hair Cut Machine on a customer!", said Bunsen, "would you like to sit, please?"

"Uh, never mind then", said the inspector, who promptly ran.

The End

 

[kathy26]

who perform these characters
health inspector
the sandwich
Gladys
the fish

 

[minor muppetz]

who perform these characters
health inspector Peter Linz
the sandwich Steve Whitmire
Gladys David Rudman
the fish Bill Baretta

And you forgot to ask about the barber, who would be performed by Dave Goelz.

 

[minor muppetz]

I wrote this fan fic within a day or two after coming up with the idea. I've done a lot of fan fics after coming up with a plot within a short time, and usually when I start I get really into coming up with ideas fast enough that readers don't have to wait too long between chapters (never a day-long gap or two). Although it only took me a day to finish, I felt like I wasn't too into it past what I had already came up with. Before writing, I came up with the first two chapters, and knew that I wanted it to end with Animal getting his hair cut and liking it, but most of the rest happened as I went along, and feel like it wasn't as strong as the first two chapters.

I think I really enjoyed writing the first chapter best. Maybe I should do a fan fic that focuses entirely on a health inspector visit. With Animal constantly shouting that they should get to the title plot, and with the title, I guess it was predictable that the health inspector would think he needed a hair cut.

I know that Animal's hair isn't really that long, and in this fan fic it's as long as the current Animal puppet. But I wanted the health inspector to be from the 1950s or 1960s, or at least have the values of that time period, when people made a big deal out of the Beatles and Monkees having long hair (which didn't even reach their shoulders). After writing I thought about the fact that the Muppets (or The Electric Mayhem) could just fire Animal and their problems would be over, and thought about maybe lampshading that but also having it say that that's not an option (Animal would need to get a haircut or the show ends, regardless of if he's still at the theater).

At first I thought it'd be funny to do a fan fic in which Lips gets his first hair cut (though I think his hair is only slightly bigger than Animals) before thinking that a fan fic about Animal getting his first hair cut would be more logical. Although I generally like Animal best as part of The Electric Mayhem, I had initially wanted this story to not have much focus on the band beyond Animal and Floyd, but feel the band was used a bit more. At times there's a mix of scenes where the band is the main focus and scenes with different characters in a group when it could have just been the band (or both). And I ended up giving Janice a little more exposure than planned, while the rest do seem to go out-of-focus near the end.

 

[kathy26]

great story minor muppetz I want to start doing fanfics myself can you give me some pointers?

 

[minor muppetz]

great story minor muppetz I want to start doing fanfics myself can you give me some pointers?

I'm at a loss as to what kind of advice to give, besides the advice I've seen Jim Lewis give to aspiring writers (Muppets or otherwise): Just do it.