A visual idea on "Bert's R Machine..."

[wiley207]

One of my favorite things on the Muppet Alphabet Album when I was a kid was the classic "Bert's R Machine" segment. Since it was never made into a sketch on the show, I made up what it would probably have looked like...

(The scene opens in Ernie and Bert’s apartment living room. Bert has some tools out and is working on a rather complicated-looking machine of some sort with an “R” on its front. He has some kind of alphabet book he is using as an instruction manual. Ernie enters and watches…)

BERT: (studies the book) Ha, ha, this machine knows what letter comes next! Now I put this here…

ERNIE: Hi there, Bert! What’s that machine you’re working on?

BERT: Oh hey, Ernie. Hey this is my latest invention; my automatic “R” Detector.

ERNIE: No kidding.

BERT: Yeah, any time this machine hears an “R” or an “R” word, it rings a bell. Hey, I’ll start it up for you now.

(Bert turns on the machine and the gears begin turning and lights begin flashing as the machine makes comical little noises such as beeps and dits and dahs.)

ERNIE: Wow, look at that machine go.

BERT: Now if you’ll just say something that begins with R…

(A red light in the middle of the “R” blinks as a bell clangs.)

ERNIE: What was that?

BERT: Oh I just said “R”… (bell clangs again) And when you say “R,” (clangs again) the bell rings. (and again)

ERNIE: Hey! You said “rings,” (bell clangs) which begins with “R!” (clangs again)

BERT: Right! (clang!)

ERNIE: Why that’s remarkable! (bell clangs) Hey! (does his trademark laugh) Keeheeheehee, that’s fun! Let me tell it an “R” riddle! (bell clangs twice)

BERT: OK, just don’t go too fast. I don’t know what’ll happen if the machine gets going too fast.

ERNIE: OK, listen to this, machine… “Roscoe really raised rabbits, while Ruth rode the red reindeer!” (at each “R” sound, the bell clangs, a total of eight clangs) “If Roscoe’s rabbits raised a racket, why did Ruth’s reindeer run the rabbits ragged?”

(The bell clangs eight more times, the last clang sounding off, and the gears begin to speed up and a bit of smoke begins to rise from it as the machine sounds start going faster.)

BERT: Hey-hey, don’t talk so fast! The machine is beginning to smoke!

ERNIE: Oh I only have one last poem here…

BERT: Yeah-yeah, but listen…

ERNIE: “Robert rolled reddish radishes round the ring of rubber rubbish!” (the bell clangs eight times and the machine begins making a low whistling kind of sound)

(Right after Ernie finishes speaking, the machine explodes, making a long continuous explosion noise, and Ernie and Bert are sent flying in a gust of flames and smoke as bits of debris hurl through the air!)

BERT: Uh wait, no, hey, hold it!

(The machine and explosion noises finally stop as Ernie and Bert land back to the ground. Their apartment is a mess, with scorched walls, shattered windows, the E&B portrait on the wall tilted to its side and frowning instead of smiling, and some smoke in the air. In the center, the R machine is a total wreck.)

BERT: Now look what you did!

ERNIE: Oh my, the machine looks ruined.

(The bell clangs with a Doppler effect as the last couple of lights on it go out.)

BERT: Rats!

(The machine pops out a spring with a loud “TWA-A-A-A-ANG!”)

END

 

[Twisted Tails]

One of my favorite things on the Muppet Alphabet Album when I was a kid was the classic "Bert's R Machine" segment. Since it was never made into a sketch on the show, I made up what it would probably have looked like...

(The scene opens in Ernie and Bert’s apartment living room. Bert has some tools out and is working on a rather complicated-looking machine of some sort with an “R” on its front. He has some kind of alphabet book he is using as an instruction manual. Ernie enters and watches…)

BERT: (studies the book) Ha, ha, this machine knows what letter comes next! Now I put this here…

ERNIE: Hi there, Bert! What’s that machine you’re working on?

BERT: Oh hey, Ernie. Hey this is my latest invention; my automatic “R” Detector.

ERNIE: No kidding.

BERT: Yeah, any time this machine hears an “R” or an “R” word, it rings a bell. Hey, I’ll start it up for you now.

(Bert turns on the machine and the gears begin turning and lights begin flashing as the machine makes comical little noises such as beeps and dits and dahs.)

ERNIE: Wow, look at that machine go.

BERT: Now if you’ll just say something that begins with R…

(A red light in the middle of the “R” blinks as a bell clangs.)

ERNIE: What was that?

BERT: Oh I just said “R”… (bell clangs again) And when you say “R,” (clangs again) the bell rings. (and again)

ERNIE: Hey! You said “rings,” (bell clangs) which begins with “R!” (clangs again)

BERT: Right! (clang!)

ERNIE: Why that’s remarkable! (bell clangs) Hey! (does his trademark laugh) Keeheeheehee, that’s fun! Let me tell it an “R” riddle! (bell clangs twice)

BERT: OK, just don’t go too fast. I don’t know what’ll happen if the machine gets going too fast.

ERNIE: OK, listen to this, machine… “Roscoe really raised rabbits, while Ruth rode the red reindeer!” (at each “R” sound, the bell clangs, a total of eight clangs) “If Roscoe’s rabbits raised a racket, why did Ruth’s reindeer run the rabbits ragged?”

(The bell clangs eight more times, the last clang sounding off, and the gears begin to speed up and a bit of smoke begins to rise from it as the machine sounds start going faster.)

BERT: Hey-hey, don’t talk so fast! The machine is beginning to smoke!

ERNIE: Oh I only have one last poem here…

BERT: Yeah-yeah, but listen…

ERNIE: “Robert rolled reddish radishes round the ring of rubber rubbish!” (the bell clangs eight times and the machine begins making a low whistling kind of sound)

(Right after Ernie finishes speaking, the machine explodes, making a long continuous explosion noise, and Ernie and Bert are sent flying in a gust of flames and smoke as bits of debris hurl through the air!)

BERT: Uh wait, no, hey, hold it!

(The machine and explosion noises finally stop as Ernie and Bert land back to the ground. Their apartment is a mess, with scorched walls, shattered windows, the E&B portrait on the wall tilted to its side and frowning instead of smiling, and some smoke in the air. In the center, the R machine is a total wreck.)

BERT: Now look what you did!

ERNIE: Oh my, the machine looks ruined.

(The bell clangs with a Doppler effect as the last couple of lights on it go out.)

BERT: Rats!

(The machine pops out a spring with a loud “TWA-A-A-A-ANG!”)

END

Great job, Muppet dude! This visual looks like a Bert & Ernie classic sketch (laughs)! This so funny! Whoo-hoo-hoo!