Been feeling really depressed about school. This isn't about the typical fights I have with my mom which I have talked about. Its the feeling like I can't accomplish anything. My grades have slowly been dropping and I feel like why even bother trying to bring them up if its not going to matter in the long run. I got a 55 on my first chemistry test, which really shattered what little confidence I had left. I got my second chemistry test back today and it was an 82, but that still comes out to like a 60 something. English prbably in the the 80s somewhere, Music Appreciation is a 75, History is a 90 right now but we just had another test which I don't think I did good on, Astronomy...I don't even know and I really don't care. Probably in the 80s too. I feel like I'm just letting everyone down and sometimes I think I should just drop out and go work at mcdonalds. But both my years so far have been comepletely funded by grants which convert to loans so I'd have over 40K in loans to pay back. I feel hopeless and like whatever I decide is a lose lose situation.
On top of that I have no friends. Yeah, i get along with my roommate, but as far as friends go my best friend is my stuffed elephant I brought to school. My parents keep saying I need a social life, but I think at my age people have pretty much established cliques and don't want any new friends. My parents are always creaming at me about being antisocial (which I should add is not the correct use of the word...heh...psychology XD), but it is so hard for me to make friends and keep them. Don't even get me started on the boyfriend matter. My mom keeps saying I should get one. Well, how exactly? I'm not someone who will walk up to a random dude and start flirting. Thats just weird. I don't know what it is about me that scares people off.
I don't have anyone to talk to about anything. If told my mom how I was feeling she would blow a gasket. I told my grandmother a bit of how i was feeling, but she just HAD to go and tell my mom, which made her mad at me. Then my mom starts playing the guilt card saying how I'm a liar and she is my bigest cheerleader when EVERYTHING she has said to me has either been "you are wasteing your life," "you screwed up your life," or "then why don't you get a job and REALLY see how easy you had it." How is any of that supposed to build my confidence that was already hair thin? I just don't know anymore. Sometimes I feel like I should give up on life.