Favorite Movie on MST3K

[Winslow Leach]

Sidehackin', performed by Joel, Crow and Tom, from the film The Sidehackers, a violent 60s racing flick:

Sidehackin' is the thing to do.
When it doesn't hurt to have a low IQ.
Take a life you like and a little love.
The big grand prize is twenty-five bucks.
Sidehackin'll quench your danger thirst,
The stupid ones always seem to come in first!

Sidehackin' is one big bash.
The favorite sport of cheap white trash.
When you're on your sidehack, make sure you don't slip.
You'll end up with five metal pins in your hip!
Lean way back till you scrape your butt,
Make it look like a quarter pound of ground chuck!

It's a sport that attracts a lot of racing fools.
A lot of people get hurt 'cause there are no rules.
All you need is a toxic landfill,
A cycle and a sidecar and an urge to kill.
Better get with the sport 'cause it won't last long,
The founders of this sport are laid at Forest Lawn!

 

[The Count]

Great! What about the lovesong Crow sung during one of the Magic Sword segments, proclaiming his love to Estelle? Or the holiday classic, It's a Patrick Swayzee Christmas?
Better yet, rememer the rap they did at the end of City Limits?

Joel: Well, I've seen Side Hackers and Mighty Jack.
And I can tell you now they're both crap.
But I've seen this movie, it's really the pitts.
Yeah, City Limits is nothing but...

Also, the Winter Sports sort... There's the signpost with the narrative for Skiing with the sk-words written as sch-words.
Announcer: Look at thosekids practicing that crazy new sport of schiing. And yes, I'm told that's how it's pronounced.
Joel: Oh yeah?! You don't know skit!

 

[Winslow Leach]

Great! What about the lovesong Crow sung during one of the Magic Sword segments, proclaiming his love to Estelle? Or the holiday classic, It's a Patrick Swayzee Christmas?
Better yet, rememer the rap they did at the end of City Limits?

Joel: Well, I've seen Side Hackers and Mighty Jack.
And I can tell you now they're both crap.
But I've seen this movie, it's really the pitts.
Yeah, City Limits is nothing but...

Also, the Winter Sports sort... There's the signpost with the narrative for Skiing with the sk-words written as sch-words.
Announcer: Look at thosekids practicing that crazy new sport of schiing. And yes, I'm told that's how it's pronounced.
Joel: Oh yeah?! You don't know skit!

Open up your heart and let the Patrick Swayze Christmas in.
We'll gather at the Roadhouse with our next of kin.
And Santa can be our regular Saturday night thing.
We'll decorate a barstool, and gather round and sing!
Oh, let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas this year!
Or we'll tear your throat out, and kick you in the ear!

It's my way or the highway, this Christmas at my bar.
I'll have to smash your kneecaps if you b******* touch my car!
I got the word that Santa has been stealing from the till.
I think that right jolly old elf had better make out his will!
Oh, let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas, one and all!
And this can be the haziest, this can be the laziest,
This can be the Swayziest Christmas of them all!

 

[Winslow Leach]

Squirm, 1976 horror film about killer worms, was one of the last episodes of MST3K. But it's also one of the funniest, and includes one of the all-time best shorts to get things going, A Case of Spring Fever, about a husband who, a la George Bailey, wishes he were never born...um...I mean, wishes there were no such things as springs. He gets his wish, via a creepy little sprite called Coilie, who takes hubby into a world where there are no springs. Eventually hubby learns the error of his ways, the springs are restored, and he spreads the word to his buddies about the benefits of springs in everyday lives (his buddies, it seems, could care less).

Anyway, Squirm was filmed in Georgia, and opens with one of those "this is a true story" crawls. As I mentioned in one of my many (many!) posts here, the director intended the film to be a parody of the man vs. nature genre. Still, there are a lot of great riffs in this one.

Interesting bit of trivia: although the cast is made up of unknowns and locals, supposedly Martin Sheen and Kim Basinger read for the leads, Mick (a kid from out of town who loves to go antiquing) and Geri (a local girl).

A Case of Spring Fever:

Coilie (several times throughout short): Nooooooooooooo springs!!!!!!

(The title, A Case of Spring Fever appears on screen):
Tom: Me, I'd rather have a case of Bass Ale.

(after the husband learns the error of his ways, and the springs are restored):
Crow (as Jimmy Stewart): Merry Christmas, you wonderful old couch!!

Tom (as short drags on): Shouldn't this be over now?

Squirm:

On screen crawl begins: This is the story...
Mike (solemnly): Of a man named Jed.
Tom: Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed!!!!!!!!!!

Geri (looking at human skull): That thing can bring $100 at an auction! He was talking about going into business.

Tom: The business of selling human bones at auctions?

Geri: The worms attacked Roger!
Tom: Well, he's got a layer of topsoil, you can't blame them.

Sheriff (to Mick): What business you have in Fly Creek?
Crow: I wonder what be so fly about that creek?

Tom: A certain convocation of politic worms!

Crow: So how is it possible that Jerry Reed isn't in this movie?

Mike (describing Mick's sense of fashion): He's wearing his new back to school clothes!

Crow: Hey Richie Cunningham, tuck in your shirt!

Tom (a mannequin is shown): See, Mike, I'd go out with that. That's how desperate I am!

Crow (describing Roger the handyman): If Steve Young and Alvin the Chipmunk had a baby.

Roger: You gonna be the worm face!
Mike: No, you're gonna be the worm face!

Tom (describing the messy interior of a house): Never ask Tom Arnold to housesit.

(a lineman mumbles his dialogue)
Tom: Thanks Hank Hill's neighbor!

Crow (as Mick): Save the girl or go antiquing? Hmmmm...antiques, here I come!

Roger: I'm ready to tell dad I don't wanna take over no worm farm.
Tom: It's sad how many small family worm farms are being taken over by corporate worm farms.

Crow: Well, Billy Joe McAllister jumped off the Talahachee bridge again.

(Roger throws plywood at Mick)

Crow: Death by particle board!

Geri, a pale-skinned skinny redhead, is mocked by Crow several times:

"A pencil with hair! Oh no, no, it's her."
"A badly dressed swizzle stick! Oh no, it's her!"
"A plucked stork! Nope, it's her."

 

[The Count]

Yes... That's one I remember with great guffawing.
After the springs are restored, the star of the short opens up his car's hood to reveal...
Mike: Coily's army of darkness!
Tom: So Coily's been waiting his entire existance for this day, and he just backs down?
After the short ends, the bots come out and ponder over the possibility of creepy sprites, wishing there was no Mike prompting the appearance of Mikey the Elf.
Mikey: I've made it so there's no Mike.
The bots then start wishing they had Mike back, Crow's begged to do it in his George Bailey voice.
Mikey: Do another.
Tom: I wish I could jump up and down on Mike's bed.
Mikey: Nooo... Wait a second, does Mike even have a bed if there's no Mike?
Tom: Good question.
Mikey: Better make it an easier question.
Mike eventually returns, and Crow then says I wish there were no such things as Mike's socks. Another creepy sprite appears saying his name is Mike's Socksy.
Crow: You sure do.

Squirm...
The thing I remember is the gang still calling out "Mr. Beeeeeesleeeeey!" throughout the movie.
The segment I remember best from this movie were the fair taking place at Castle Forester and Mike going into worm farming business for his own, only to end up with radioactive cooked fried worms and then eating them to the disgust of the bots before they try some and go get the dipping sauces.
Also, wanted to ask... Is it Squirm or Soultaker where there's an elaborate scee with the lead girl getting undressed for her bath which Crow misses out on cause he has to go wash his contacts?

 

[Winslow Leach]

Yes... That's one I remember with great guffawing.
After the springs are restored, the star of the short opens up his car's hood to reveal...
Mike: Coily's army of darkness!
Tom: So Coily's been waiting his entire existance for this day, and he just backs down?
After the short ends, the bots come out and ponder over the possibility of creepy sprites, wishing there was no Mike prompting the appearance of Mikey the Elf.
Mikey: I've made it so there's no Mike.
The bots then start wishing they had Mike back, Crow's begged to do it in his George Bailey voice.
Mikey: Do another.
Tom: I wish I could jump up and down on Mike's bed.
Mikey: Nooo... Wait a second, does Mike even have a bed if there's no Mike?
Tom: Good question.
Mikey: Better make it an easier question.
Mike eventually returns, and Crow then says I wish there were no such things as Mike's socks. Another creepy sprite appears saying his name is Mike's Socksy.
Crow: You sure do.

Squirm...
The thing I remember is the gang still calling out "Mr. Beeeeeesleeeeey!" throughout the movie.
The segment I remember best from this movie were the fair taking place at Castle Forester and Mike going into worm farming business for his own, only to end up with radioactive cooked fried worms and then eating them to the disgust of the bots before they try some and go get the dipping sauces.
Also, wanted to ask... Is it Squirm or Soultaker where there's an elaborate scee with the lead girl getting undressed for her bath which Crow misses out on cause he has to go wash his contacts?

Crow misses the bath scene in Soultaker (or Soooooooooooooooooultaker, as Servo says, imitating the opening of Soul Train).

Yeah, the leads call out for Mr. Beardsley like 50 times throughout the scene.

Geri: Where's Roger?
Crow: Let's ask MR. BEARDSLEY!!!!

Then they find what is supposed to be Beardsley's skeleton, I guess...

Mike: Oh sister, let me tell you!

It's funny how Coiley gives the guy another chance right away. As you quoted, "So Coiley's been waiting his entire existance for this day, and he just backs down?"

I like how when the Mikey sprite makes Mike disappear, the 'Bots could care less. The sprite keeps badgering them for him to bring Mike back, just so he could go through his "okay, just this once" spiel.

Back to Soultaker:

Guy: Led Zeppelin was wrong, man.
Tom: Shut up!
Guy: There is no stairway to heaven.
Tom: Zep is never wrong, man!
Mike: Is Sabbath wrong too, man?

 

[The Count]

Thanks... Yeah, Soultaker's a great film, for everybody coming back together again. Frank shows up as the soultaker assigned to take somebod's soul, Brain Guy doesn't have one, Joel leaves though he's on the list, and then Dr. Bobo gives up his soul for a rousing game of ring toss.

Hamlet.
Funny bit where Pearl meets up with Fortinbras at the end, upset he was nixed from the airing of the movie. He gets to do his spiel, Pearl slips a vile of poison in his ear, same thing Claudius did to Hamlet's dad in the Shakespearean play.

There's another movie where Joel andthe bots meet up with a fellow stranded traveler, Mike dressed up in Russian duds with bots of his own.
Crow: We challenge your bots to a hockey match!
Joel: Knock that off.
And then when they propose to link up to help each other out...
Russian Mike: I am sorry, we are how you say, not compatible. Your ship runs on AC, mine on DC.
Joel and the bots then gather to say a little prayer for him. Funny and touching at the sme time.

 

[Winslow Leach]

Remember the invention exchange from Manos?

Dr. F presents the Chocolate Bunny Guillotine ("you have stolen painted eggs in a time of famine"), and Joel comes up with the Cartuner, a machine that mixes ambiguous and unfunny comic strips and makes them funny:

Joel mixes "The Lockhorns" with "Cathy":

Crow: Mrs. Lockhorn accidentally crashed her car into the store where Cathy was trying on a swimsuit!

"Family Circus" mixed with "The Far Side":

Tom: A dotted trail showing where anthromamorphic jackals chase little Billy!

Joel, Crow & Tom: Ziggy had Garfield neutered! Now that's funny!

 

[The Count]

Yep... But I much rather cherish the gang's Taco Night and the breakfast bazooka Dr. F built, along with the Unhappy Meals.

 

[The Count]

Hey! Wanted to bring this thread back up topside, cause I gots something to ask da' MST3K guru here, Winslow Leach.

There was a movie the bots and Joel were watching about Communist USA, not sure which one it was... Maybe Rocket Attack USA.
The reason I'm bringing it up is cause there were two skeches performed that rank right up there with the classics.
1 Third Quarter: Joel hosts a game show parody where Crow, Tom and Gypsy are the contestants... And the questions are answered by the common protectionist propaganda slogans from that time era.
2 Second Quarter/Halftime: Crow and Tom get curious as to how the McCarthy hearings on communism took place... And Joel starts reeling off this funny as heck shpiel about the Charlie McCarthy hearings and all the cartoon/puppet characters being connected to this dark period of American television history.
Bots: "No, not the You Bet Your Life Duck!"
Joel: "Yes, as far as he was concerned "subversive" was the Word of the Day. But that pails in comparison to the hearings' biggest informant..."
Not gonna spoil it for those who haven't seen this, will wait to see if WL posts the sketches' transcripts. If he has them, that is.
Thanks and have a good day.