How I Spent My Summer Vacation (A Muppet Fic)

[charlietheowl]

Hey y'all. Thought I'd finally take the plunge into the fan fiction department. This story is going to be an extended series of one-shots about what happens to the Muppets when they have a summer without any projects to work on. No movies, no tv shows, no viral videos, no nothing. Everyone has the chance to pursue the project or work of their dreams, or just lie back and enjoy their vacation. What will follow will be several of their stories. Hopefully I'll get one part up about every two weeks, but I'm not making any promises.

Most of the stories will be written as standard narrative, but a few will play with structure and format (like part one). It won't be anything unreadable though.

Story will be rated PG for a bit of melodrama in one portion and some references to the "uncouth" habits of the touring musician in another portion.

Without further delay, here is part one of How I Spent My Summer Vacation.

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AP Newsroom- Internal Memo​

Editing Department​

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THIS IS AN AP (Associated Puffery) NEWS RELEASE​

Los Angeles, CA (AP)- Everyone's favorite troop of entertainers are taking a much-deserved break for the first time in years. The Muppets have wrapped filming on the first season of the revival of The Muppet Show, and are taking the opportunity to rest on the laurels of their success, if only for a few months.​

"Well, we've had such a successful first season back on the air. It's exceeded all our wildest expectations, and you know how wild those can be sometimes," said Kermit The Frog in a press conference outside the Muppet Theater on Monday afternoon. "This success gives us the opportunity to take the summer off to pursue some side projects, or just take a vacation. We don't get very many opportunities to take time off, so this is a nice change of pace."​

When pressed for details about the plans of his fellow Muppets, Kermit demurred, stating only that "my friends would be angry with me if I spoiled their surprises". However, rumors are flying around the Los Angeles area that Miss Piggy was spotted eating lunch with the president of the Animal Broadcasting Company (ABC), and that the two discussed filming a pilot for a talk show. Miss Piggy's agent declined to comment on the reports.​

As for America's favorite frog? Kermit was willing to share his plans with the reporters, saying he was on his way to pick up his nephew Robin from the Muppet boarding house, and from there the two of them would be heading to the airport. "We're going to spend a couple of weeks in Hawaii. Robin wants to earn his Beach Exploration Frog Scouts badge, so I figured Hawaii would be a nice place to find some nifty seashells to bring to his next meeting."​

Kermit also assured fans not to worry about the Muppets' hiatus. "We'll be back to filming the next season of our show by late August. We've already got some great guest stars lined up. Some of them are even going to appear on the show by choice."​

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Editor's Notes and Corrections:

​

• "everyone's favorite troop of entertainers"- Give me a break-too exaggerated. Perhaps the "favorite troop of entertainers amongst unemployed penguins everywhere" or "the most popular group of talking animals since The Banana Splits" would be more accurate.​
• Kermit saying "successful first season"-share show's ratings later in paragraph-TMS drew a 1.2 X 10-to-the-negative-sixth rating share this season-consult with statistics department for proper formatting of scientific notation.​
• Remove any references to ABC. When we called ABC for comment, they threatened to sue us for libel if we printed anything involving them meeting with Miss Piggy. Don't need any other lawsuits today, so change that reference to "Miss Piggy was spotted coldly ignoring autograph seekers outside a children's hospital". That kind of thing draws in the readers.​
• "....to find some seashells"- Really? Seashells? Far too boring a topic. Perhaps change quote to read "to scout out locations for my secret wedding to Miss Piggy" or "to break up an international drug smuggling ring". ​

Please turn in corrected article by 5 PM Wednesday for publication Thursday morning.

Thanks,

Associate to the Vice-Assistant to the Editor-in-Chief (West Coast Division),

Alistair J. Hanratty

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Coming up "next" in Part Two: Kermit and Robin head off to Hawaii to look for some really awesome seashells.​

 

[newsmanfan]

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*snickering*

Ah, playing with the great god television...my favorite wicked pleasure! This is a wonderful start to what looks to be a very tongue-in-cheek piece. While the actual article is funny, the editor's crabby notes really make it. Bravo!

Looking forward to more!
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[charlietheowl]

Thank you very much for commenting! I've always liked playing with formats when I'm writing, because it's a structured outlet for my more absurd joke and gag ideas. I plan on telling one Muppet's story via interview, and another story through a short play. But there will still be some nice meat-and-potatoes fic in here, though it'll be plenty goofy and spoofy.

 

[Ruahnna]

Fun, Charlie. Be nice to my girl, please. Piggy get a bad rap here in the fan fic section....

 

[charlietheowl]

Don't worry! Piggy's going to get her own chapter later on, and I have a very nice (and funny) plan for her.

 

[charlietheowl]

I've had a lot of down time this week, as there's not much going on in my classes (yay schedule week!), so here is installment two of How I Spent My Summer Vacation, featuring Kermit and Robin.

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Travel agents often oversell the vacations they're trying to pawn off on their customers. What is called a "homey cottage" doesn't always have a working bathroom, and "luxurious green forests" are actually Superfund sites. However, there are some places in the world that are as beautiful as the airbrushed brochures and breathless descriptions make them out to be.​

Kermit and Robin happened to be in one of those places, a perfect white sand beach with water so clear that you could practically see to the bottom of the ocean. Their neighborhood travel agent, a kindly middle-aged sheepdog, had suggested Eternal Bloom Beach Resort in Hawaii as having some of the most beautiful sands in the world, and Kermit was glad he believed her. Besides, the Eternal Bloom Beach Resort seemed like a much safer bet than the train trip to beautiful, scenic East Saint Louis that she also offered.​

Kermit smiled as made his way out to the beach early one morning, watching and excited Robin eagerly make his way out towards the gentle surf with a net, magnifying glass, and waterproof-bound copy of Know Your Seashells. Robin was determined to get the Ocean Explorers Frog Scouts badge upon his return, and show all his friends the other neat shells and souvenirs he found on his trip. He was unlike most children who went on vacation, and Kermit found himself thankful for this, his mind flashing back to a disastrous trip he took with Miss Piggy, Andy, and Randy to Old Sturbridge Village, which ended up with the two of them having to buy out the Logan Airport gift shop to keep Andy and Randy quiet on the flight home. Evidently Andy and Randy thought Old Sturbridge Village was going to be an explosive theme park, and not the quaint historical site it turned out to be. That trip certainly took its toll on both Kermit and Piggy's wallets and patience. Robin wasn't like that at all; quiet, well-behaved, content with his seashells and Frog Scouts gear.​

Knowing that Robin was safe down on the edge of the beach, Kermit began setting up his beach gear, which was graciously carried down by the resort's friendly staff. He plunked his umbrella in the sand, spread out his extra-fluffy beach towel (Only the best for my frog, said Piggy before he left), set his cooler aside with drinks and lunch for him and Robin, and got out My Life In The Theater Of Ghosts, an "autobiographical novel" written by friend of the Muppets/phantom Uncle Deadly. Kermit glanced at the blurbs on the back of the book. "A riveting read- just as gripping as superglue and slightly less harmful when ingested." "Hmmm," he said to himself. "Sounds like another The Grapes of Wrath."​

The morning passed by quietly, as Robin remained absorbed in his seaside spelunking, stopping only to breathlessly show Kermit his latest exciting find, while Kermit read through Uncle Deadly's book, which proved to be about as gripping as the underside of a well-worn slipper. But Kermit didn't mind, instead contenting himself watching Robin and the waves gently crashing onto the shore. It was so peaceful and quiet; there were barely any other people on the beach, which stretched for miles and miles. Quiet was certainly a change of pace from his recent life; the theater had been a madhouse towards the end of the season, as their network extended their final two episodes to an hour to fill in for the hastily canceled Trash-2-Cash, a game show where contestants rummaged through dumpsters looking for pieces of a treasure map. Evidently the raccoons residing in the dumpsters never received the proper consent forms, and when their lawyers called the network, the show had to be pulled. The gang was glad to be given an extra showcase, and came up with some of their best material of the season to fill the time, but it was even noisier and frenzied than usual on the set. Scooter running around trying to scramble for extra guest stars, Gonzo preparing twice as many stunts, Piggy demanding twice as many wardrobe changes, Fozzie rehearsing twice as many jokes. It was nice to get away from it all for a bit.​

Thunk!​

Kermit's reverie was shattered by the sound of another umbrella opening right along side of him, and the sounds of a couple cooing with each other over the vista in front of them.​

"Oh Jenny! This beach is perfect! But not as perfect as you!"​

"Oh Jared! You're so sweet! I'm glad we found such a beautiful resort for our honeymoon!"​

"Anything for you, snookums!"​

Jenny and Jared exchanged a quick smooch before spreading out their towels and enjoying a day of sunbathing. Jenny bent down to get her suntan lotion out of her beach bag and took a quick glance over towards Kermit, who was back to slogging his way through Uncle Deadly's book. Her jaw dropped.​

"Oh my gosh! You're--you're--you're--Kermit the Frog!"​

"And I think you're Jenny. Nice to meet you."​

"Oh my goodness oh my goodness oh my goodness! I'm such a big fan! You have no idea! My dance with my dad at my wedding was "The Rainbow Connection"! My brother and I dressed up as Scooter and Skeeter for Halloween three years in a row!"​

"That's really sweet. How's your honeymoon going?" Kermit shot a quick wave over towards Jared, who wasn't entirely sure what was going on.​

Jenny didn't appear to be listening. "I was so happy that your show got back on the air! I watch every Tuesday night at 8:30 and it's awesome! I loved the skit you did on the season finale with the singing giraffes and Rowlf. He's such an accomplished pianist."​

"Thank you! Rowlf works very hard at learning all those songs. He's always rehearsing at our house."​

"You mean the Muppet Boarding House? Gosh! That must be the coolest place in the world! All the Muppets together in one place! Wow!"​

Kermit laughed to himself. "It can get a little crazy." He spotted Jared out of the corner of his eye awkwardly standing around holding a bottle of champagne, and wanted to get him involved in the conversation. "So where are you two from?", he said, shouting loud enough to attract Jared's attention.​

"A small town just outside of-"​

Jared was cut off by his wife's continued babbling.​

"Oh my goodness is that your nephew Robin down by the water! He's so cute! I love "Halfway Down The Stairs"! I sang that for my junior showcase in high school choir. Got me a great part in the alto section!"​

Jenny launched into a lugubrious version of "Halfway Down The Stairs", which attracted Robin's attention. He made his way back up to Kermit.​

"Hi! I'm Robin. Who are you? You sure have a nice voice."​

Jenny stammered. "Robin--the frog--likes my voice? My voice! Oh my goodness!"​

"Do you want to sing with me?"​

Jenny already had several shocks to her system since arriving in Hawaii from a small town outside of somewhere two days ago. Seeing the beach for the first time, seeing the heated towel rack in the bathroom, seeing the complementary wine and fruit basket left in the honeymoon suite. But meeting a real live Muppet! And being complimented by a real live Muppet! And being asked to sing with a real live Muppet! This was too much to take.​

"Oh--oh--" Jenny swooned and fainted onto the white sands, while Jared threw the bottle of champagne onto the ground, picked up his wife, hastily waved goodbye, and ran back to the hotel with his wife over his shoulder.​

"Who was that, Uncle Kermit," asked Robin. "I hope she'll be all right."​

"That was Jenny and her husband Jared. Nice people. I think she'll be just fine."​

"That's good."​

"Never did find out where they were from. Oh well."​

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Coming up "next": You know those little onion volcanoes they make at hibachi restaurants? Well, wait until you hear what the Swedish Chef does with them!​

 

[newsmanfan]

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I know nothing of onion volcanoes, but this sounds wonderful!!

Lovely entry! Poor Kermit...the life of a celebrity frog is not without its nuisances... But it sounds like a wonderful vacation nonetheless. LMfuzzyyellowbuttO at the image of Andy & Randy at Old Sturbridge (eh, maybe they shoulda tried Colonial Williamsburg instead?), at UD writing a lugubrious and not-quite-gripping bit of infotainment, and at "Trash 2 Cash." Yay for Muppetational satire! I give it three frogs up!
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[newsmanfan]

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*pokes with nagging stick*

Hey! That's not very nice.

Neither is waiting. *exaggerated sigh, Spanish accent* I HATE waiting... I promise I will not kill you until you reach the top!

Er...I know you're part Cuban but what the hey are you talking about?

*grabs clueless reporter, hauls him off to watch movie*
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[charlietheowl]

Part three will be up by the Super Bowl (this Sunday). Scout's promise.

Even though I quit at age seven.

 

[charlietheowl]

One day before my deadline, here is the next installment of the summer stories. See if you dig this one!

(Warning: non-traditional narrative format coming up.)

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Los Angeles County Fire Department​

Case Number: 2345-A​

Date: July 12, two thousand and something​

Summary of Incident:​

On July 11, two thousand and something, Investigators Anderson and Cooper arrived at 234 West 19th Street, former location of the Sunset Hibachi Grill, at the request of Chief Williams due to a call reporting a fire. The dispatch time was 1300 hours, arrival at the scene was 1400 hours due to "wait for glazed cruellers at Donut Village". The investigators observed a concrete-framed construction, single-story, occupancy 250 restaurant. The investigation revealed that the fire had started in the hibachi table adjacent to the bar at the south end of the restaurant. All signs at the scene and evidence taken by investigators revealed the fire was likely started by an onion volcano gone awry at said hibachi table. The husks of the onion were found, along with the remains of an ornamental oil squirter shaped like what appears to be a samurai sword. A suspect was identified by thirteen witnesses, and was seen cooking at the hibachi table before the fire started. All twenty witnesses at the restaurant at the time of the fire, plus fourteen other people we found in the street, identified the witness in a police lineup of 1. The motive for the fire was cited as "willful negligence/too many levels on onion volcano".

Laboratory Analysis:​

The onion husks were taken to the lab and identified as onions. Green onions, specifically. I love Booker T and the MG's. Saw them on tour last summer. Cooked up a nice groove. (Chief's note: Get it! Cooked up a nice groove? Green onions? Ha ha ha I just kill them with my zingers!)

Witness Statements:​

Witness Number 36 (middle-aged male, at adjoining table): "The chef had been cooking rather erratically all evening, and strange things were happening at his table. He attempted to cut up some zucchini and grill it, but the zucchini jumped off the table, cursing wildly, insisting that the the VCLU (Chief's Note: Vegetable Civil Liberties Union) would shut him down. Very disquieting. I like zucchini."

Witness Number 0 (aforementioned zucchini): "I know it's part of the job description, but I didn't sign up to be chopped like that! I need dignity, grace, style. That chef didn't have any of that, just tossing knives around and speaking in mock-Swedish. I jumped off my table and was turning in my resignation papers when I saw him cutting up Luisa (Chief's Note: Luisa is the onion). Onion volcanoes are only supposed to have three layers, but his had eight. I instantly knew there was going to be trouble, so I gathered my settlement check and headed for the nearby Whole Foods Market. They know how to treat a zucchini there."

Apprehension of the Suspect:​

The suspect was found sitting on the curb next to the burning restaurant arguing with a terribly scalded batch of bean sprouts in barely coherent sentences of something resembling mock-Swedish. When approached by the officers, the suspect tried to explain himself, but only succeeded in provoking the bean sprouts into a ferocious attack. After the bean sprouts were subdued and taken to a local hospital, the suspect was taken into police custody to explain story. Unfortunately, nothing the suspect said was able to be understood by the police investigators. Our mock-Swedish translator was let go in the budget cut of 1985, so we just had to guess at what he said. It was sort of like playing Pictionary! Just without the pictures! And with somebody talking!

We were unable to understand a single thing he said. Oh well.

Charges:​

We approached the owner of the restaurant inquiring about charges for the suspect; however, owner said he would settle for just getting the suspect banned from his restaurant permanently. "I had been looking for an excuse to remodel."

Charges not filed; case closed.

Does anybody know a good chinese place?

Chief Williams

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Coming up "next": Scooter answers the phone (trust me, it's more exciting than it sounds)