Fozzie's Mattress Sales

[minor muppetz]

The following fan fic is a continuation of the events of my previous fan fiction "Fozzie's Comedy Tour", though you don't need to read that fan fic to enjoy this one. But just in case, here's that fan fic http://www.muppetcentral.com/forum/threads/fozzies-comedy-tour.57238/

Chapter 1

Fozzie was looking at the bill from his writer, Gags Beasley, regarding the results of his previous performance.

"I should have known that I would have to pay a lot more for my best performances", said Fozzie, "ever since Gags Beasley decided to charge me by the laugh. Well, it looks like I'm going to have to get a second job."

"Are you doing a sequel?", asked Kermit.

"I guess I am doing another sequel", said Fozzie.

"You should do a midquel", said Walter.

"Just don't do a prequel!", said Gonzo, dressed as Dearth Nadir.

"Well, it looks like...", said Fozzie, thinking for a second, before breaking into song, "I'm doing a sequel, it's time to..."

"We don't have time for an opening song", said Kermit.

"Well, I do need to figure out what kind of second job to do", said Fozzie, "anybody got any suggestions?"

"You can be a street cleaner, in charge of cleaning the bridge!", said Beauregard.

"Just watch out for trolls", said a billy goat.

An ugly-looking troll then showed up, growling and chasing both the goat and Beauregard away as they screamed.

Cut to Dr. Strangepork, dressed in a suit and in an office.

"You should get a job as a psychologist", said Dr. Strangepork.

Dr. Phil van Neuter then barged in.

"No, no, no!", said Dr. van Neuter, "You should be a psychiatrist!"

"What's the difference?", asked Fozzie.

"A psychologist would treat somebody afraid to see the psychologist", said Dr. Strangepork.

"And a psychiatrist would want to treat somebody who wants to blow up his doctor!", said Dr. van Neuter.

"Heh heh heh, did somebody say blow up their doctor?", laughed Crazy Harry, who then blew up Dr. Phil van Neuter.

Cut to Sam the Eagle sitting behind a desk.

"You can be an all-American accountant!", said Sam, "just don't be a WEIRDO about it."

"Why don't you just get another job...", said Statler.

"...and give up comedy completely?", said Waldorf.

The two laughed.

The Swedish Chef then said something in mock-swedish.

"That's perfect!", said Fozzie, who then ran off to get his new job.

"What did the chef suggest to Fozzie?", asked Kermit.

"Mee mee mee mee meep mee", said Beaker.

"Oh", said Kermit, as confused as he just was.

Fozzie was then at a job interview for Mattress Land.

"So you have no experience selling mattresses but you are a comedian?", asked the boss.

"That's right", said Fozzie.

"Well, it sounds like something Laurel and Hardy or The Three Stooges would do. You're hired!"

"Wow, that was easy", said Fozzie.

 

[minor muppetz]

Chapter 2

So Fozzie started his first day at work.

"Oh wow", said Fozzie, "it's my first day on the job, and with my commission, I only need to sell five mattresses before I pay my writers fee!"

"It's not as easy as it seems", said the boss, "mattress sales have declined recently, with the recent bed bug problems and the drug that prevents babies from growing."

"Well, if they won't buy our mattresses...", said Fozzie, who then got stuck for a punchline... "I'll get to that later."

"Just sell mattresses", said the boss, "you're our only mattress salesman."

"What happened to the other salesmen?", asked Fozzie.

"I had to lay everyone off because nobody was buying mattresses", said the boss, "turns out that when you fire everybody, you end up needing to hire people."

"THAT could be your new slogan!", said Fozzie, "we're always hiring because we're always firing."

"We're not always hiring or firing", said the boss, "we just made one small mistake. Besides, we hired you to sell mattresses, not write slogans. We've already got a decent slogan writer. His name is Brad Beasley."

A mother and her son then walked in.

"Is this Matress Land?", asked the mother.

"It sure is", said Fozzie, "and I am the one and only F..."

"I don't care about your name", said the mother, "I just need to find the right mattress for my little boy. He just outgrew his crib."

"I guess he didn't take that one drug", said Fozzie.

"A kid his age shouldn't take drugs at all", said the mother.

"MOMMY! MOMMY!", said the boy, "May I try that bed?"

"Of course you can", said the mother.

The boy then got onto the bed and started jumping on it.

"Oh boy!", said the boy, "jumping on this bed sure is f..."

The boy then hit his head into the ceiling, and got stuck.

"Mister, if my boy hadn't been jumping on your mattress, he wouldn't have injured his head! I'm going to sue this place!"

The mother then angrily walked out of the store.

"You are on thin ice", said the boss, "we had to make the floor out of thin ice because we couldn't afford wood."

The mother then came back in.

"I forgot all about my boy", said the mother, then then got a lasso, swung it up into the air, got her boys feet into the lasso, and pulled him down."

An elderly old man then came into the store.

"I need a new bed", said the elderly man, "I keep wetting mine."

"Okay, let me show you some beds...", said Fozzie, who then noticed the elderly man laying comfortably in one of the beds, sleeping.

"Uh, sir", said Fozzie, "please wake up..."

The elderly man woke up.

"Oh, oh", said the old man, "this bed is worthless. I wet this one also."

"Well", said Fozzie, "it's not the bed's fault..."

Fozzie then noticed that he had left the bed and went to another one.

"I also wet this one."

Fozzie started getting annoyed, "Look, mister, our beds are not meant to be..."

But then the old man was suddenly in another bed.

"I wet this one also!", complained the old man.

"This job is going to be tough", moaned Fozzie.

"And don't get me started with this one", said the elderly man, in another bed.

 

[minor muppetz]

Chapter 3

Statler and Waldorf entered Mattress Land.

"Hey, it's the bear!", said Waldorf.

"How's the mattress business?", said Statler.

"He couldn't possibly be worse at selling mattresses than he is at comedy", said Waldorf.

Statler and Waldorf laughed.

"Well, for your information...", said Fozzie, defensively, before talking in a sad tone, "I haven't sold one since being hired."

"Well, I'm right", said Waldorf, "he can't be worse at selling mattresses. He's just as bad."

Statler and Waldorf laughed.

Fozzie's boss came in.

"Fozzie! Not only have you not sold one mattress today...", yelled the boss, "but you've caused this place to have a lawsuit and many of our beds are wet and ruined!"

"But... But none of that's my fault", said Fozzie.

"Oh, that's what they all say", said the boss, who then said, in a mocking tone, "it's always the customers fault they jump on beds and wet them!"

Fozzie then saw a pointy object turning around in circles.

"Hey, boss, what's that?"

"It's a turning point", said the boss.

"A turning point?", said Statler.

"Does this mean he's going to succeed now?", asked Waldorf. Just then, they heard a loud stomping noise, as the room started to shake a little.

"Let's get out of here!", said a concerned Waldorf.

"This is the first time we left before the bear started telling his jokes", said Statler, following Waldorf.

Finally, the room stopped shaking and the loud noise stopped, and their next customer was Thog.

"I need a new bed", said Thog, "I keep breaking mine."

"Well, we've got all kinds of new mattresses", said Fozzie.

"Technically, they've all been used", said the boss.

"Oh, I want to try that bed!", said Thog, pointing to a kid-sized bed.

"That one?", said Fozzie, "but that's a kid-sized..."

Thog ignored Fozzie and jumped onto the bed, not only breaking the bed but also breaking through the floor.

"That's what happens when the floor gets built on thin ice", said the boss, "but Fozzie, it looks like you're f..."

But then Louis Kazagger came in.

"Muppet Sports needs five new mattresses!", said Louis Kazagger, "we're going to have a big mattress juggling competition."

"Five mattresses?", said Fozzie, "I can now afford to pay off my debt!"

"Not exactly", said the boss, "all of the wet beds, the lawsuit money, and the broken floor are coming out of your comission."

"Make that six mattresses", said Louis Kazagger, "we've also having a mattress surfing competition."

Then a montage started...

"Fozzie!", said Gonzo, "I need a mattress!"

"I thought you preferred to sleep on hangers", said Fozzie.

"Not to sleep", said Gonzo, "I'm going sky diving, and want to use a mattress instead of a parachute!"

Floyd and Animal came in.

"Animal needs a new mattress", said Floyd.

"I thought he only slept on hangers", said Floyd.

"His hanger broke and the hanger stores are all out", said Floyd.

"HANGERS! HANGERS!", shouted Animal.

"Well, pick yourself out a mattress", said Fozzie.

Animal started chewing on a mattress.

"I guess he likes that one", said Floyd.

Big Mean Carl came in.

"I'm Carl, the big mean mattress eater, and I need a mattress for my bed!"

"Well, we have the perfect mattress for a big mean mattress eater", said Fozzie.

"And I'm a big mean mattress", said one of the mattresses.

"I'll eat that one", said Carl.

By the end of the day, Fozzie had made plenty of money. Kermit stopped by to visit.

"So, how's the mattress business going?", asked Kermit.

"Oh, teriffic!", said Fozzie, "I can now afford to pay my writers fees."

"That's good", said Kermit, "but I have some bad news."

"What's that?", said Fozzie, counting his money.

"Well, we have a lot of acts for tonight's show, and yours needs to be cut."

Fozzie did a double-take and then fainted.

"Uh, Fozzie? Fozzie?", said Kermit, concerned.

 

[minor muppetz]

Chapter 4

Fozzie eventually woke up after fainting.

"Oh, what happened?", asked Fozzie.

"You fainted", said the boss, "but don't worry about being cut. You've done such a great job selling mattresses, you should give up comedy."

"What?", asked Fozzie.

"You've done such a great job selling mattresses, you should give up comedy."

"But that's the main career I've wanted all my life", said Fozzie.

"And you clearly failed at that", said the boss, "but a career selling mattresses, that's something you're actually good at. And you're currently our only mattress salesman."

"Well....", said Fozzie.

"You've got five minutes before we close. I'm going to the inventory room to fire some people."

The boss left and a deformed man with gross teeth who glowed green came in.

"I need a mattress", said the man.

"Well, we've got mattresses here", said Fozzie.

"I like your salesmanship", said the man, "not only will I buy the rest of your beds, I'll hire you for my company!"

"What company is that?", asked Fozzie.

"I'll take you there myself!", said the man.

And as soon as you knew it, Fozzie had been taken to Harley's Toxic Waste Factory.

"My name's Harley, and I make and sell toxic waste", said the deformed man.

"I don't want to do this", said Fozzie.

"But it's toxic waste! Toxic waste!", said Harley.

"I don't care", said Fozzie.

Harley picked up a barrell of toxic waste.

"Here, have a free sample!"

Harley tossed the barell to Fozzie.

"No", said Fozzie, who tossed the barrel back to Harley and walked away.

"I'll pay you less!"

Fozzie stopped and walked back.

"Uh, when you negotiate like that", said Fozzie, "aren't you supposed to offer more money, not less?"

"I would if I had more money", said Harley.

Fozzie soon came back to work, and saw the place empty.

"Oh no!", said Fozzie, "we're all out of mattresses! Somebody must have stolen them while I was gone!"

But then Fozzie suddenly realized, "Oh, right, Harley bought our remaining stock."

 

[minor muppetz]

Chapter 5

The Newsman came on-stage to give a news report.

"Here is a Muppet News Flash! Mattress Land has been selling a lot more mattresses lately than normal. And it is possibly all due to Fozzie Bear! So come on down to Mattress Land, and buy a mattress from Fozzie. And due to the sudden success, prices have dropped!"

Several mattresses then fell on The Newsman.

"I said prices, not mattresses!"

Backstage...

"Muppet Labs, on stage next!", said Kermit into the intercom.

"Oh, I'm afraid we'll have to cancel Muppet Labs", said Bunsen, "my latest invention has been stolen."

"Mee mee", said Beaker.

"I wonder who could have done it", said Kermit.

"Well, Beaker was supposed to be watching the invention", said Bunsen.

Beaker turned his head as if he knew nothing about it.

"Well, I feel bad about canceling Fozzie's act", said Kermit, "maybe I should go to Mattress Land and talk to Fozzie. We now have time for his act."

Kermit then turned to Scooter.

"Scooter, will you take over hosting duties?"

"Okay", said Scooter.

Kermit then left.

"So, Beaker", said Bunsen, "tell me again why you left our invention unattended while you had to go to the restroom."

A group of mafia gangsters then walked into Mattress Land.

"Hi, I'm Eddie", said the leader, Eddie, "and we would like to buy your finest mattress."

"Well, we're all out of mattresses", said Fozzie.

"We'll get a new order tomorrow morning", said the boss.

"Not good enough", said Eddie, "if we can't get a mattress now, we'll just take your salesman."

"And without paying", added one of the henchmen.

"Say, you're smart for a mattress salesman!", said another of the henchmen.

"Well, I'm also a bear comic..."

The gangsters then grabbed Fozzie and ran off.

"He, not so fast!", said the boss.

Eddie took out his gun and shot towards (but missed) the boss.

"Um, fast is good, fast is good", said the boss.

The get-away car took off just as Kermit parked his bicycle.

"I should ask for a bicycle lock for my birthday", said Kermit as he walked to the door.

The boss then came out.

"Oh, is Fozzie here?", asked Kermit.

"No, he just got kidnapped", said the boss, "and he went that way."

"Well, let's go after him", said Kermit.

"We can't", said the boss, "my car is no longer in the parking lot. Those gangsters must have stolen it. I guess that's what I get for driving a get-away car. But I know where their hide-out is."

"You do?", asked Kermit.

"Yeah, I was one of them, until I got fired. I opened this mattress shop, and now that I'm a success, they want to ruin me."

They then heard a loud honk. It was Sweetums, in a big convertible, joined by Janice, Rowlf, Droop, and two chickens.

"Hey, check out my new car!", said Sweetums.

"Would you like a ride?", asked Janice.

"How convenient", said Kermit, as he and the boss got in.

"Follow that car!", said the boss.

"What car?", asked Sweetums.

"Uh, just listen to my direction", said the boss, "now go down that way..."

"Hey, we should, like, sing a fun tune during the car chase!", said Janice.

"If we're having a car chase, I want out", said Rowlf.

 

[minor muppetz]

Chapter 6

The car chase went on... without the cars being back-to-back.

In the Muppets car, the cast was singing "No Room for Boring", while the boss was trying to give directions.

"Hey! I can't give directions with all that singing!", said the boss.

"Yes, can everybody quiet down?", asked Kermit.

"Geez, Kermit, you sure know how to spoil a good time", said Droop.

Meanwhile, way ahead, the gangsters car was going passed a bridge.

"Oh, I hope this bridge doesn't fall like London Bridge!", said Fozzie.

"No bridge falls like London Bridge, stupid!", said one of the henchmen, "London Bridge is the only bridge that falls. That's why it's called London Bridge!"

"That's what she said!", said one of the other henchmen.

Eddie, who was driving, turned his head back to the others, angrily shouting, "can't you all just shut up until we get there?"

While his head was turned, the troll from earlier showed up on the windshield.

They all screamed while the troll growled.

Eddie turned on the windshield wipers, wiping off the troll.

Eddie turned his head back again.

"And that's how you get rid of unwanted tr..."

But then he crashed into the car in front of him.

"Good thing we were all wearing our seatbelts", said Fozzie.

"I should have paid extra for the airbags", said Eddie.

A really big, angry-looking man got out of his car and walked towards the gangsters get-away car, making a fist.

The gangsters and Fozzie all looked in fear.

The big, angry-looking man then looked through the window... and then, his angry face switched to a cowardly face, and he said, in a timid tone, "Oh, it's you. Nevermind!", and then ran off.

"I'm lucky I'm a feared public figure", said Eddie.

"Yeah", said Fozzie, "but you're not an action figure!"

The good guys were then crossing the bridge. Janice looked behind and saw the troll holding on to the back.

"Uh-oh", said Janice, "there's, like, a troll on us, fer sure!"

"I knew I should have paid extra for windshield wipers", said Sweetums.

 

[minor muppetz]

The gangsters made it to their hide-out, dragging Fozzie down there.

"Oh, what are you going to do to me?", asked a worried Fozzie.

"You had plenty of time to ask that on the ride here", said Eddie.

They got into the building... And saw that Fozzie's boss and the other Muppets had made it in.

"Wait, how'd you all get here?", asked Fozzie.

"You're boss used to work for us", said Eddie, "I forgot that he knew where our hide-out was. I thought we took all his keys."

"Those were the wrong keys!", said Fozzie's boss, "and I'm glad I never told you about the short cut I knew about."

Eddie through Fozzie at them, making some fall backwards, and then he pulled the rug they were standing on, making them fall further back. Then one of the gangsters pulled a lever, which caused cage bars to come in over them. One of the other henchmen quickly locked the door.

"I know you don't have the key to this door", said Eddie.

"Oh, I knew I should have said no to that car ride", said Droop.

"What are we going to do?", asked Fozzie.

"And now we're going to freeze you all", said Eddie.

One of the henchmen handed a futuristic gun, pointing it at them.

"Wow, that's, like, an impressive-looking gun", said Janice.

"How'd you get a gun like that?", asked Rowlf.

"We stole it", said Eddie.

"Actually we found it, but stealing it is is the better term", said one of the henchmen.

Just then Thog, Doglion, Timmy, and Mean Mama crashed through the wall... And they started singing, "I Feel Like Chicken Tonight".

"It's unfortunate they didn't crash through the wall behind us", said Kermit.

"Actually", said Fozzie's boss, "the wall behind us leads to a safety hazard."

Eddie aimed his gun at the monsters and fired.... But then frosted smoke came out from the opposite end, freezing all of the gangsters.

"I think that gun was Bunsen's invention that got stolen", said Kermit.

"I didn't expect it to have actually been stolen", said Rowlf, "I would have expected Beaker to have hidden it and then claimed it got stolen."

"Like, I think Beaker hid it and then they found it", said Janice.

"So how do we get out?", said Fozzie.

Sweetums then ate the door to the cage.

"Well, that's a good solution", said Fozzie's boss.

Soon, they were back at the Muppet Theater.

"I feel so honored to know that somebody stole one of my inventions!", said Bunsen, hugging his freeze gun, accidentally pulling the trigger that caused it to shoot at (and freeze) Beaker, who screamed as he was being frozen.

"Oh, sorry Beaker", said Bunsen, "But luckily it's sadly temporary."

"Somebody did call the cops on those gangsters, right?", asked Rowlf.

"Hey, boss!", said Scooter, "while you were gone, we got a new sponsor."

"Oh, great", said Kermit, "who's our new sponsor?"

"Harley's Toxic Waste Factory", said Scooter.

Harley then showed up, carrying a barrel of toxic waste.

"Want to buy some toxic waste?", asked Harley.

"Uh, no", said Kermit.

"Please take this barrel", said Harley, "it's leaking from the bottom, and the toxic waste is hurting my feet."

Outside the theater...

"So you're sure you want to quit the mattress business?", asked Fozzie's boss.

"I'm sure, Charles", said Fozzie.

"My name's not Charles, it's Edgar."

"Oh, sorry", said Fozzie, "I guess this was the first time I said your name. Actually I think it's also the first time I heard your name. Anyway, I've made enough money to pay off my writer and to cover all those ruined mattresses. Even though I'm better at selling mattresses, I prefer comedy, but maybe someday if I get in massive debt again I..."

Scooter then interrupted.

"Fozzie! Come on stage! You're on last-minute!"

"Oh, boy!", said Fozzie, running into the theater.

"I'm going to miss him", said Fozzie's former boss Edgar.

The End