Muppet Show Outlines by CJD

cjd874

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Got a new outline today! I thought about how Gilda Radner of SNL fame appeared on the Muppet Show, so why not have one of her co-stars on TMS as well?

THE MUPPET SHOW
With special guest star Dan Aykroyd
(Season 5)

Cold Open:
(Pops is cleaning his workspace counter with a rag. He squints and lifts his glasses to inspect the counter.)
Pops: Oops. I missed a spot. (The spot starts buzzing and Pops does a double take. He smacks the fly with a flyswatter and then keeps cleaning the countertop until the door opens. Dan Aykroyd enters.) Hey, who are you?
Dan: I’m Dan Aykroyd, and I’m the guest star for the Muppet Show tonight.
Pops: Dan Aykroyd! Heh, great to see ya, kid! You’ll have a lot of fun here.

Dan: Fun? Here? (laughs) This is the sloppiest, dingiest, most run-down theater I’ve ever seen.
Pops: No, no, no…don’t be silly. It’s a great place! Still holding up after all these years! (Pops slaps the countertop, which breaks into pieces with a loud crunch. Pops and Dan look at the mess and then at each other.)
Pops (resignedly): I stand corrected. (laughter from audience)
Theme:
Kermit: It’s the Muppet Show with our very special guest star Dan Aykroyd! Yaaaaayyyyyy!!!! (applause and cheers as the curtain rises and the Season 5 theme plays)
It’s time to get things started on the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppet-ational…

This is what we call THE MUPPET SHOW!!!!!
Gonzo’s horn: a fish flies out of his horn and lands in the audience.

Gonzo: Sorry, lady!
Introduction/Opening Number:
Kermit: Thank you, thank you! Great to see you all here. Tonight is going to be a great night because our guest star is the fantastic young comedian and actor, Mr. Dan Aykroyd! (audience bursts into “Oohs” and “Aahs”) Yes! So let’s kick things off on the Muppet Show! (Sweetums kicks Kermit off the stage with a crash. The curtain opens, showing several prison cells filled with Whatnots.)
Floyd Pepper is sitting in a jail cell with Zoot. As soon as the prison guard exits, Floyd leads the other jailed Whatnots in a rendition of Elvis Presley’s “Jailhouse Rock.” Zoot gets a saxophone solo, too. Just as everyone is dancing in their cells, the guard comes back. The music stops and everyone quiets down, pretending that nothing ever happened. The guard leaves and once he’s gone, everyone raucously sings the last notes of the song. Applause at the end.
Balcony:
Statler: I found that song very fitting for those Muppets.

Waldorf: Why is that?
Statler: Because it’s a crime for them to keep putting on this show!
Both: Doooooooooooh-hohohohohohoho!!!!

Backstage Scene #1:
Kermit: All right! Way to go! Nice job out there, guys. (Floyd, Zoot, and a couple of Whatnots go through the backstage area.) Way to rock that jailhouse… (Kermit looks down at the papers on his desk as Scooter enters, visibly excited.)
Scooter: Boy, Kermit, I’m so excited for tonight’s show.
Kermit: Yeah, it’s going to be just great, Scooter!

Scooter: Yep! And to think that the Blues Brothers are here tonight!
Kermit (looking up): Who?
Scooter: WHO??? Kermit, you’ve NEVER heard of the Blues Brothers? Jake and Elwood? They’re sensational! They’re one of the best acts of ALL TIME!!! I can’t believe you haven’t heard of them.

Kermit: Well, Scooter, tell me: who HAS heard of them?
(On cue, Fozzie, Gonzo, Dr. Teeth, Annie Sue, the Blue and Green Frackles, and two rats enter. Kermit gulps.)
Kermit: Uh, Scooter…(to audience) How should I put this, said the frog feeling outnumbered? (to Scooter) The Blues Brothers are not here tonight.
Scooter: What?! But I thought you said you were getting the Blues Brothers for tonight’s show, chief!

Kermit: Scooter, I don’t know where you are getting this idea from. I only booked Dan Aykroyd for tonight’s show. I don’t know who the Blues Brothers are, but I’m sure they don’t have ANYTHING to do with Dan Aykroyd. And speaking of which, can you go get our guest star now, Scooter? His act is up next! (exits)
Scooter: But…but… (Kermit is gone) Shucks, it’s no use.

Gonzo: So Kermit doesn’t know who the Blues Brothers are?
Fozzie: Nope, he hasn’t got the FROGGIEST idea! Aaaaahhhh-aaaahhh!!!! (Everyone groans at the joke and leaves, shaking their heads. Fozzie looks around as everyone exits.) Haaa! Thank you! Thank you! You guys are great! I got more where that came from. (laughter from audience)
First Act:
Kermit: And now ladies and gentlemen, it is my… (Beauregard enters, sweeping the floor.) Uh, Bo, what are you doing?
Beauregard: I’m sweeping the floor, Kermit!

Kermit: Yeah, but I’m trying to introduce our guest star. Go somewhere else!
Beauregard: Oh, I’m sorry! Keep going, Kermit! (leaves while still sweeping)
Kermit: Uh, anyway folks, it is my pleasure to introduce one of today’s brightest stars of comedy. (Beauregard re-enters.)
Beauregard: So he wasn’t a star yesterday? Or the day before that? (laughter as Kermit scrunches his mouth and sighs)
Kermit: Come on, Bo! Off the stage! Off! Off! (shoves Bo away) Now it’s time for a wonderful exchange of wits with our very own, and very willing, Miss Piggy…
Miss Piggy (from behind the curtain): I’ll tear your flippers off for this, frog! (laughter from audience)
Kermit: (gulp) ---and our very special guest star, Mr. Dan Aykroyd! (Kermit exits and the curtain opens, showing Miss Piggy and Dan on opposite sides of a table, dressed in newscaster outfits. Miss Piggy has her hair down and is in a tailored suit. Dan has a suit, necktie, and a pair of glasses.)

Dan: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to this evening’s broadcast. I’m Dan Aykroyd and my partner next to me is Miss Piggy.
Miss Piggy: You forgot to say “the one and only,” Daniel. (laughter)

Dan: OK…and my partner next to me is the ONE AND ONLY Miss Piggy. (rolls his eyes and groans quietly so Miss Piggy doesn’t hear him)
Miss Piggy: That’s better, dear. Hahaha!
Dan: Tonight on “Theory/Counter-theory,” Miss Piggy and I will discuss the developing story of politician Gilbert von Stubbenbaccher’s vow to rid the country of all livestock. (A Gray Whatnot depicting G.V.S is shown on a screen behind Dan.) Miss Piggy will formulate a pro-livestock theory, while I will formulate an anti-livestock theory. Miss Piggy, please begin.
Miss Piggy: Well…(clears throat) Daniel, sweetie. My theory is that without livestock, the world would not exist! It is clear that livestock play an important role in society. They are crucial to the success of farms all over the nation, and all over the world! Cows provide milk and chickens lay eggs that end up as food products for the entire population of the world! Plus, many of these livestock, pigs in particular, are moi’s personal companions! It is only right for moi to support them fully. Daniel, there is NO reason why we should get rid of livestock. It would be better if we got rid of clueless twits like YOU and Mr. Stubbenbaccher so no one could hear the ridiculous, inane things that come out of your mouths! (more laughter) Top that, four-eyes. (laughter)
Dan: Piggy, you IGNORANT SWINE. (laughter) It is evident that processed food and food produced in factories are slowly but surely becoming the new way of life. Farms are showing less productivity and factories are booming. As a result, there is no need for those smelly, filthy creatures of YOUR ILK that roll around in slop, chew on their own cud, or peck at dirt all day long. They just take up space in the midst of a growing human population that shows no signs of slowing down. So go back to your sty and keep rolling around in the mud with those other grunting, squealing, snorting pigs. It won’t be long before you all end up six feet under…or on somebody’s plate at the supper table. (laughter and applause, Miss Piggy’s mouth is hanging open in shock)
Miss Piggy: Oh yeah, doughface?
Dan: YEAH, Little Miss Pork Chop!
Miss Piggy: OH YEAH?!
Dan: YEAH!!! (They get in each other’s faces.)

Miss Piggy (splutters angrily): Well…well…I won’t let this happen! I won’t!
Dan: Ha! You and what army?
Miss Piggy: THIS army! (Several cows, pigs, and chickens appear behind Piggy) GET HIM!!! (They all gang up on Dan, who falls under the table as he gets pecked, poked, smacked, and stomped on. There is laughter and applause as Miss Piggy bows to the audience.) Eat your heart out, Jane Curtin! (Dan slowly rises, but Miss Piggy karate-chops him and he falls again as the livestock cheer for her.)

Balcony:
Waldorf: You know, this show is just like a farm full of animals!
Statler: Why is that?
Waldorf: Because it really STINKS!

Both: Hohohohohohohoho!
Statler: Not to mention it’s full of SLOP!!

Both: DAWWWWW-HOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!!!!
Backstage Scene #2:
(Kermit is working backstage with Scooter when Dan enters, covered in bruises, and his shirt and jacket torn.)
Kermit: Nice job, Dan. Sorry about those cows and pigs and chickens.

Dan: Oh, Kermit. It’s fine. We made up, and we’re going out later.
Scooter: Really? Where?
Dan: Oh, my place. They’re party animals just like me. (laughter)
Kermit: Say, Dan, do you know who the Blues Brothers are?
(Dan pauses, caught off guard by the question. Then he grins.)
Dan: Do I know the Blues Brothers? Do I know the Blues Brothers?! Why of course I do!

Scooter: Well, how about getting them to do the show tonight?
Kermit: Scooter!!! Listen, we are NOT going to have these weird, no-talent, upstart Blues Brothers come on the show and RUIN our guest star’s night!
(Dan’s eyes widen as Kermit berates Scooter. Then Dan gets an idea.)
Dan: Kermit, Kermit, calm down. I’ve got this. I can get them right now!
Scooter: Oh, boy! What did I tell you, Kermit? The Blues Brothers are coming!
Dan: I’ll be right back. (Dan rushes off and returns wearing the classic Blues Brothers outfit: a black jacket, tie, hat, and shades. But Fozzie is wearing the same outfit! Kermit scrunches his mouth and Scooter shakes his head.)
Scooter: Well, scratch that. (laughter from audience)
Fozzie (in a deeper voice): What was that, strange kid whom I’ve never seen before? (laughter)
Kermit: Knock it off, you guys! Come on! Out! Out!! Out!!! (laughter as Kermit shoves them away, flailing his arms in anger)

Rowlf’s Act:
Rowlf plays “Somewhere” from West Side Story on the piano, and he ends up sobbing into a tissue. Applause at the end.
Guest Dressing Room Scene:
(Dan hears a knock on his dressing room door.)
Dan: Come in. (Lew Zealand enters.)
Lew: Mr. Aykroyd! Let me start by saying I’m not very happy with you!

Dan (taken aback): But…but why?
Lew: Why? WHY?! Ha! I’ll tell you why! It’s that Super Bass-o-matic thing that you invented! I’m Lew Zealand, the boomerang fish thrower, and it hurts me to see innocent little fishies being thrown into your Super Bass-o-matic!

Dan: Well…uh…I see your point. But you know something, Lew? We can change that! Yes, we can! (Dan takes his Bass-o-matic out of a bag and puts it on the table. **For those of you who haven’t seen the 1976 SNL sketch, the Bass-o-matic is nothing more than a decorated blender.) We can change it from the Super Bass-o-matic to the Super Fruit-o-matic! (laugher from audience)
Lew: Wow! That’s brilliant, Mr. Aykroyd!
Dan: Now we just get some fruits… (grabs some unpeeled oranges, apples, strawberries, and bananas, and tosses them all into the blender) Now we just turn it on and we--- (KAAAA-BOOOOOMMMM!!! The blender explodes. When the smoke clears, the dressing room is covered with the remains of the fruit and shards of the blender. Dan and Lew are also soaked in various fruit juices.)
Dan: Ugh! What a mess! Something went wrong with the Super-Fruit-o-matic! I’m so sorry, Lew! I didn’t mean to do that!
Lew: Sorry? Why, that was AMAZING!!! I’ve never seen anything like it, Mr. Aykroyd! Hey, can you do that again? (laughter as Dan stares at the camera)

Dan: Great…so THAT’S the fruit of my labor… (laughter as Dan sighs and licks some orange juice off his hand)
Pigs in Space:
Announcer: And now, it’s time for PIIIIIGGGGGSSSS IIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNN SSSSSPPPPPAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!! When we last left the Swinetrek, the crew was preparing for an inspection.

(Link Hogthrob is busy wiping the seats down with a rag, Dr. Strangepork is sweeping the floor, and First Mate Piggy is dusting the control panel.)
Link Hogthrob (humming to himself): Oh, what a long, laborious day it has been. I wish the Inspector wasn’t coming today to inspect the Swinetrek.
Dr. Strangepork: But why not, Captain Link? I thought you love inspections. It’s the perfect opportunity to show the Inshpector how well you run this ship!
Link Hogthrob: That’s true, Dr. Strangepork, but this one is scheduled at the same time as my favorite TV show.
First Mate Piggy (in disgust): Oh, boy. Can’t you miss ONE episode of “Pony Time” for once, Link? (laughter)
Link Hogthrob: It’s called “HORSIE Time!” (laughter) And don’t you forget it, First Mate Piggy! (more laughter)
First Mate Piggy: Hmph! Touchy. (laughter, and then Dr. Strangepork notices a signal coming from the control panel)
Dr. Strangepork: Captain! Captain! The Inshpector is coming!
Link Hogthrob: Oh! Quick, everyone! Put everything away! The Inspector is coming! (Link hides the rag, First Mate Piggy gets rid of the feather duster, and Dr. Strangepork puts the broom away. The doors open just as the crew returns to their seats, and the Inspector arrives. The Inspector is a blunt, gruff-voiced pig in a glittery navy blue Pigs-in-Space-like blazer, white shirt, and a red necktie, and performed by Dave Goelz.)
Link Hogthrob: Good day, Inspector! It’s wonderful to---
Inspector: Cut the chitchat, Hogthrob! Let’s get down to business! I’m gonna inspect your ship right now, and if it doesn’t pass, I’m gonna cook your goose.
Link Hogthrob: But I don’t own a goose, Inspector! There aren’t any on the ship, you see. (Inspector grabs Link by the shirt.)
Inspector: Let me rephrase that. You’ll be in more trouble than a STUCK PIG. (laughter as Link trembles and the Inspector walks around the ship inspecting every wall, chair, lever, light, and button) Hmmmm…good….not bad…good so far… (Inspector stops in his tracks behind Dr. Strangepork’s chair) AHA! (The Inspector grabs Gaffer by the neck and lifts him up.) Captain Hogthrob, did you know that you have a stray cat on this ship? (gives Link a nasty look)
Link Hogthrob: Uhhhh…well, I…. (makes up a lie) that---that’s NOT a stray cat. That’s…that’s actually my pet cat. Um, his name is…FLUFFY! Yes, good old Fluffy…my very best friend in the whoooollle wide world. He loves to play with yarn and his little rubber mouse, you know. And I give him powdered milk every night so he doesn’t go thirsty. (laughter) And I pet him and rub his back until he falls asleep in my lap. Yes, we’re best friends, oh yes we are! (the Inspector, First Mate Piggy, Dr. Strangepork, and Gaffer stare at Link in disbelief)
First Mate Piggy: Oh, brother.
Inspector: Link…in all my years as an inspector, I have never heard anything like that at all. (Link is quivering in fear.)
Link: So…are---are you going to…fire me?
Inspector: FIRE you? Ha! Not at all! You take SUCH good care of your cat! I’ve always wanted to treat my own cat like that! You need to teach me your ways, Hogthrob. What I want to know is: which way are you supposed to rub its back? (laughter as Link and the Inspector begin talking about how to take care of cats)
First Mate Piggy: What---WHAT is the Inspector DOING?!
Dr. Strangepork: Calm down, First Mate Piggy. Curiosity might have killed the cat, but it never killed the pig!
Announcer: Tune in next time for another tabby---I mean, tacky---episode of PIIIIIIGGGGGGSSSS IIIIINNNNNN SPPPAAAAAACCCCCCEEEEE!!!!
(Link and the Inspector keep talking as the scene fades to black)

UK Spot:
A British Whatnot (Richard Hunt) sings “Boiled Beef and Carrots” as he prepares boiled beef and carrots in his kitchen. At the end, he is confronted by an angry group of cows and carrots.
Second Act:
(Kermit walks onstage.)
Kermit: We are honored to have two of the world’s top culinary experts on our show tonight: the Swedish Chef and Julia Child. Actually, two things: it’s not really Julia Child and neither of them are culinary experts. (A wooden bowl flies out from behind the curtain and hits Kermit in the back of the head.)

Kermit: OWWW!!!
Swedish Chef (behind the curtain): Shööten-yoør-yäppee-yäp, frøögee! (laughter)

Kermit: Uh, ladies and gentlemen, I present the undeniable culinary expertise of the French Chef and the Swedish Chef! (the curtain opens showing the Swedish Chef and Dan Aykroyd in his Julia Child costume)
(The Swedish Chef and Julia Child sing the theme song while drumming on upside-down bowls with wooden spoons, and toss everything over their heads.)
Dan/Julia: Welcome, everybody. I’m Julia Child, the French Chef. And today I am joining forces with the Swedish Chef to prepare a remarkable dish for you all.
Swedish Chef: Dis-vëën-den-byorg-dur-bë-gøødy-føødy, youbetcha! (laughter)
Dan/Julia (confused): Yes…what he said. (laughter) Today, the Chef and I will prepare beef bourguignon. Now Chef, you remember what we need, don’t you?
Swedish Chef: Yeeeees… (pauses) Uhhhhh…nö.
Dan/Julia: Well, we already have the bacon, olive oil, herbs, carrots, onions, salt, pepper, garlic, flour, red wine, and LOTS of butter. (Dan/Julia proudly shows off several sticks of butter on the table.) Is there anything else we need?
Swedish Chef: Dur-möö-möö!
Dan/Julia: Oh my heavens! You’re right! We forgot the beef! The most important ingredient! (laughter) Oh well, everyone makes mistakes every now and then. But that’s no matter! Chef, please get the beef.
Swedish Chef: Ookee-dookee! (Chef exits and returns with a Muppet cow.)
Swedish Chef: Joolieee-ah! Mee-bringëë-dur-möö-möö! (laughter)
Dan/Julia: Oh, Chef. You CANNOT cook a live cow! That is simply ridiculous! That is NOT how you begin to make beef bourguignon!
Swedish Chef: Nöö?
Dan: No, this is how you prepare beef bourguignon! First, you must make sure the cow is ready to be cooked. (Dan/Julia grabs a meat tenderizer and smashes the cow on the head, who falls over. Chef stares in surprise.)
Swedish Chef: Yoo-ur-më-kindür-wøøman! (laughter)
Dan/Julia: Then you follow these simple steps… (Chef’s jaw drops as Dan/Julia makes the beef bourguignon offscreen. Cooking/pounding/cutting/stirring sounds are heard. After a few seconds, Dan/Julia is holding a perfectly cooked beef bourguignon.) There we go! Beef bourguignon! Try it, Chef. (Swedish Chef tries it and smiles.)
Swedish Chef: Mmmmmm…ees-göody.
Dan/Julia: Well, that’s wonderful, Chef. I’m glad you like it.
Swedish Chef: Bøöten-coöd-usën-moør-BÖÖTER!!! (The Chef grabs several sticks of butter and smears them with his bare hands all over the beef.)
Dan/Julia: NOOO!!! Chef, stop it! Please! (Chef keeps smearing butter all over the food.) Well, that’s all for now from the French and Swedish Chefs. Bon appetit…if you still have one. (laughter and applause)
Balcony:
Statler: I didn’t like that one bit! I’ve watched Julia Child for years!
Waldorf: Yeah, you’ve watched her a lot…through her bedroom window! (Waldorf laughs hard and Statler scrunches his face.)
Gonzo’s Act:
Kermit: And now the Great Gonzo will perform another act of insanity…or bravery, as he thinks of it…that will simply top anything he’s done before! Ladies and gentlemen, the Great Gonzo! (curtain opens showing Gonzo in a Volkswagen on a ramp)
Gonzo: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Tonight, I, the Great Gonzo, will perform my biggest stunt yet! I will drive a Volkswagen off this ramp, over a tank filled with five sharks, and into a vat of chocolate pudding! I need TOTAL silence for this act! (audience goes silent as Gonzo starts the engine)
Gonzo: One…two…three…here I GO!!!

Kermit (from the wings): Hey, make sure you’ve got enough gasoline in the tank!
Gonzo: What did you say? (Gonzo drives off the ramp.)
Scooter (shouting from the wings): Is there enough gasoline in the tank?
Gonz: Oh, I’ll check. Let’s see…hey, what does the “E” mean?
(The car stops working in mid-air…right above the shark tank. Gonzo falls in with a splash and gets attacked by the sharks.) HELP!!! Somebody! Help me! AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! Get me out of here! (laughter from audience)
Balcony:
Statler: Hey, Waldorf! Those sharks just attacked Gonzo!

Waldorf: Great! I hope that the bear is their next target!
Both: Doooooooh-hohohohohohohohohoho!!!!
Backstage Scene #3:
(Kermit, Fozzie and Scooter are watching the chaos in horror.)
Fozzie: Oh, Kermit! This is AWFUL!
Kermit: I know! We need a doctor NOW! (Dr. Bob/Rowlf enters on cue.) Thank goodness you’re here! Will he be all right?

Dr. Bob/Rowlf: I don’t know, Kermit. He might need the jaws of life. (Nurse Janice and Nurse Piggy enter, carrying a wounded Gonzo on a stretcher.)
Gonzo: Oh, PLEASE don’t say JAWS!!! (laughter as Dr. Bob, Nurse Janice, Nurse Piggy, and Gonzo all exit; then Floyd Pepper enters)
Floyd: Hey, Kermit, my little green go-to guy.
Kermit: What is it, Floyd?
Floyd: I got some good news for your listening pleasure…I spoke to Dan about the closing number. And he has a surprise for you… (Dan enters with John Belushi, the OTHER Blues Brother and fellow SNL superstar. They are both dressed as the Blues Brothers. Scooter and Fozzie are delighted.)
Fozzie: No!!! It can’t be!
Scooter: But it is!

Floyd: Kermit, I’d like you to meet Jake and Elwood Blues. They’re pals of Dan, and of yours truly.
Kermit: Nice to meet you guys. (looks at Dan) Do I know you from somewhere? (laughter from audience)
Dan/Elwood: Nope, I haven’t met you before. How ‘bout you, Jake?
John/Jake: Nope, I’ve never seen a talking frog before, Elwood. It must have been something I ate. (laughter)
Dan/Elwood: Yeah, it does look like something we had at Chez Paul’s French restaurant. (laughter)

Kermit: Sheesh.
John Belushi/Jake Blues: Hey, seriously…no hard feelings, man. Listen, me and Elwood are all warmed up and ready to rock with your band.
Dan/Elwood: Yeah, let’s get this show started!
Beauregard (passing by): But it started twenty minutes ago! (laughter as Kermit scrunches his mouth and leaves as everyone gets ready for the final number)
Closing Number:
Kermit: And now, ladies and gentlemen, it turns out that we have MORE guest stars. So I guess that means twice the fun…or twice the madness. Anyway, please welcome Jake and Elwood Blues…the BLUES BROTHERS!!!! YAAAAAYYYYY!!!! (Curtain opens, and Dan/Elwood and John/Jake are standing onstage in their Blues Brothers outfits. Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem are backing them up.)

The Blues Brothers perform “Soul Man” with the Electric Mayhem, including Lips and the Trombone Girl. Huge ovation at the end.
Curtain Call:
Kermit: Well, it’s been a really good show tonight, and the reason I added “really” before “good” is because of our wonderful guest stars, Dan Aykroyd and the Blues Brothers! YAAAAAYYY!!! (The Blues Brothers enter.)

Dan/Elwood: Thanks, Kermit. We had a great time.
Kermit: Say, where’s Dan? He was here a while ago.
Dan/Elwood: Oh, he had to leave early, but he told us to tell you that he had a great time, too.
(A group of Whatnot police officers enter. They’re performed by Jerry Nelson, Frank Oz, and Steve Whitmire.)
Cop #1 (Jerry Nelson): Excuse me, Mr. Frog, but have you seen two men in black jackets, dark shades, and black hats?

Cop #2 (Frank Oz): They’re wanted by the police, the FBI, the CIA, and the US Armed Forces.
(Elwood and Jake look right at each other.)
John/Jake: Gotta run! (They run off.)
Cop #3 (Steve Whitmire): HEY! That’s them! Get ‘em! (The cops start yelling and chasing the Blues Brothers around the stage.)

Kermit: Uh, we’ll see you next time on the Muppet Show! (Applause and laughter as the theme plays and the cops continue to pursue the Blues Brothers. Kermit, Miss Piggy, the Inspector, Scooter, and the British Whatnot watch the chase onstage.)
Balcony Closing:

Waldorf: I didn’t like how the show ended.
Statler: Why not?
Waldorf: It was a COP-OUT!!!
Both: Dooooooooooh-hohohohohohohoho!!!!!
(Da-da-da-da-da-DA! Zoot’s note: BWAAAAA!)



THE END


The Muppets:
Frank Oz as Miss Piggy, Fozzie, Animal, Cop #2, and Others
Jerry Nelson as Floyd, Pops, Lew Zealand, Dr. Strangepork, Announcer, Cop #1, and Others

Richard Hunt as Scooter, Statler, Janice, Sweetums, British Whatnot, and Others
Dave Goelz as Gonzo, Zoot, Beauregard, Inspector, and Others

Steve Whitmire as Lips, Cop #3, and Others
Louise Gold as Annie Sue and Others
Kathy Mullen as Gaffer, Trombone Girl, and Others

and

Jim Henson as Kermit, the Swedish Chef, Rowlf, Link Hogthrob, Dr. Teeth, Waldorf, and Others

Thanks for reading!
 

cjd874

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Here's another outline featuring a classic-rock superstar...none other than Eric "Slowhand" Clapton himself!

THE MUPPET SHOW
With special guest star Eric Clapton
(season 4)
Cold Open:
(Scooter knocks on the door and enters.)
Scooter: Eric Clapton? Eric? Twenty-five seconds to curtain, Mr. Clapton!

Eric: Thank you, Scooter. (Fozzie Bear enters.)
Fozzie: Eric! Eric! Sorry it took so long, but I finally got a cup of tea for you.
Eric: Oh, that’s great! Let me have it.
Fozzie: Yes sir! Here you go. (gives Eric a teacup with a big blue letter T in it) AAAAAAHHHHH!!! Get it? A cup of “T!” Wocka wocka wocka! (takes his hat off and covers his face as he laughs)
Eric: Oh, gee. (A large letter “G” lands inside the dressing room with a crash, scaring Eric and Fozzie. Laughter from audience.)
Theme Song:
Kermit: It’s the Muppet Show, with our special guest star MR. ERIC CLAPTON!!! YAAAAAAAYYYYYY!!!! (Curtain rises and audience applauds as the Season 4 theme begins to play. After the “Why don’t you get things started” verse, the camera cuts to the balcony, where Statler and Waldorf are surrounded by Muppet vegetables and fruits.)

Statler: If this show is the food of love…
Waldorf: Then close the curtain! (S&W and the food start laughing.)
Kermit: It’s time to get things started on the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppet-tational…

This is what we call THE MUPPET SHOW!!!!!
Gonzo’s horn: A whistle toots before Gonzo can blow his horn.
Gonzo: It’s lunchtime already? (exits)

Introduction/Opening Number:
Kermit: Thank you! Hi ho, and welcome to the Muppet Show. It’s going to be a very exciting one because our guest star is one of the most famous guitarists in the whole world, and here he is now! Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Eric Clapton! Yaaaayyyy!!! (Audience applauds as Kermit leaves and the curtain opens.)

The Muppets are in an old Western saloon. They’re drinking, playing cards, and chatting. Eric is standing at the front of the stage wearing a traditional cowboy outfit: a large cowboy hat, a vest with fringes, a brown belt, blue jeans, leather boots and spurs. He performs “I Shot the Sheriff” as some Whatnots act out the story. Applause and cheers at the end.
Balcony:

Waldorf: I wish we could’ve seen him ride away into the sunset.
Statler: Well, I wish we could ride away from this theater.

Both: Dooooooh-hohohohohohohoho!!!!
Backstage Scene #1:
(Three cowboys from the opening number enter, shooting off their pistols.)
Kermit: Hey, knock it off, you guys! Can’t we have some peace and quiet here? We have a show to run! Get out!
Cowboy (Dave Goelz): Stop shooting your mouth off, frog. (laughter)
Kermit: Well, stop shooting your guns off! Come on! Get out! Out! Out! Out! (pushes the cowboys away as Janice enters)

Janice: Hey, Kermit. Like, have you seen Floyd anywhere?
Kermit: No, I haven’t. Why do you ask, Janice?

Janice: Oh, wow. Like, today’s my birthday, and he’s usually here…but I haven’t seen him yet. I’ll check downstairs, fer sure. (She exits just as Floyd Pepper throws open his dressing room door with a bang. Kermit looks up, startled.)
Floyd (panicked): Oh, have mercy! This is the most unsettling, un-groovy, and unhip of times! Somebody help out ol’ Floyd here! I gotta preach my woes PRONTO! (laughter from audience)
Kermit: Hey, Floyd, what’s the matter?
Floyd: Kermit! You’re just the dude I need to talk to! Is Janice around right now?
Kermit: Nope, she just went downstairs looking for you, as a matter of fact. (Floyd runs downstairs and approaches Kermit at his desk.)
Floyd: Kermit, I forgot that it’s Janice’s birthday! I forgot about my MAIN SQUEEZE!!! I haven’t bought her anything. You gotta help me, Kermit my main green honcho. This is just too much heavy action for me to take!
Kermit: Calm down, Floyd. Calm down and take a deep breath. (Floyd does so.) Now it’s all right. Just repeat to yourself, “It’s all right…”
Floyd: It’s all right…it’s all right…it’s all right…it’s all right.
Kermit: OK, now listen. If you need to get Janice a gift, go to the flower shop. Then come back and give them to her.
Floyd: Thanks, Kermit. But that flower shop is nine blocks away, and I have to be in the final number. How much time do I have?
Kermit: Uh, fifteen minutes. (Floyd pauses, with a frantic look on his face.)
Floyd (extremely frantic): IT’S NOT ALL RIGHT!!! IT’S NOT ALL RIGHT!!! (collapses in Kermit’s arms, breathing heavily)
Kermit: Floyd! Just go get the flowers now! Hurry! Don’t waste any time!

Floyd (regaining composure): Right on! Right on! (rushes off just as Janice reenters from downstairs)
Janice: Wow, Kermit…what a bummer. I just can’t find Floyd. Like, have you seen him at all? Can you help me look for him? (audience laughs as Kermit gulps)
Kermit: The control of this situation seems to have slipped through the frog’s slim fingers. (laughter)
Muppet Labs:
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew introduces Muppet Labs’ Rocket-Powered Overcoat, perfect for those days when it’s cold and you need to get somewhere “in a jiffy,” as Bunsen says. Then Beaker comes in to demonstrate it. Unfortunately, he and the overcoat blast off into the sky...through the ceiling.
Balcony:
Statler: You know, I’ve always been interested in science.

Waldorf: How long, exactly?
Statler: A lot longer than I’ve been interested in this show!
Both: Doooooooooooh-hohohohohohohoho!!!!!

Muppet News Flash:
Newsman: HERE IS A MUPPET NEWS FLASH!!! (runs in) Here is an update on the lawsuit of pyrotechnic expert Whitty Stevmire made by actress Goldie Louis. The case has been settled amicably between the defendant Mr. Stevmire and the plaintiff Ms. Louis, and all charges have been dropped. (Several explosives---bombs, sticks of dynamite, and grenades---fall on the Newsman and explode. The Newsman peers over the desk, shaking in fright.)

Guest Dressing Room Scene:
(Eric is in his room sipping some tea…not “T”…when Floyd knocks on the door.)

Eric: Come in!
(Floyd enters with a large bouquet of flowers.)
Floyd: Hey, Eric, what’s happening?

Eric: Nothing much, Floyd. (high-fives Floyd) What’s up with the flowers?
Floyd: Oh, I got ‘em for Janice, my main squeeze. It’s her birthday today, and it nearly slipped my mind. I had to get her a gift, so I made like a peacock and hightailed it. Haaaaaah-hahahaha!!! (audience laughs) Get it?
Eric (laughing): Right on, brother. You know, you really like her, don’t you?

Floyd: Yeah, that’s mighty true. But I came here to ask for some advice.
Eric: Advice? For what?
Floyd: Well, now that I’ve got the flowers, what should I do next? Would it be a good idea to surprise her, man? Or should I just go straight out and give them to her on the spot? I bet she’s worried about me right now…Man, I usually have nerves of steel…I mean, I’m the only one who makes fun of the almighty porcine drama queen on a daily basis. (laughter) But now I’m freaking out, Eric.
Eric: Now come on, Floyd. Don’t worry about it. It won’t happen just like that. (snaps fingers and a guitar appears in his hands, Floyd does a double take) It’s clear that she likes you. You need to give it time to grow, you know?
Floyd: Yeah, man, I hear you.
Musical Number (in the dressing room):
Eric sings “Let it Grow” from 461 Ocean Boulevard. As Floyd listens, several other Muppets enter and listen with him. Kermit, Fozzie, Scooter, Gonzo, Annie Sue, two cowboys, and two rats end up singing along with Floyd and Eric. Applause at the end as the camera fades to black.

UK Spot:
Bobby Benson and his Baby Band perform “Be my Baby” by the Ronettes. As usual, the babies keep walloping each other with their instruments throughout the number as Bobby conducts. Somehow, they manage to finish, and they receive a round of applause.
Balcony (UK Spot):
Statler: You know, I think those little tykes will go on to do great things when they grow up.
Waldorf: Yeah, maybe they won’t come on this show anymore!
Both: Doooooooooooh-hohohohohohohohohohoho!!!!!
Backstage Scene #2:
(Floyd is backstage thinking aloud.)
Floyd: Hmmm. Now how am I gonna carry out this plan? I gotta get the flowers to Janice somehow…but there ain’t much time…
(Miss Piggy enters holding Foo-Foo and sets Foo-Foo down.)
Miss Piggy: Now mummy will be gone for just a minute, Foo-Foo! You’re going to be a wonderful little patient on Veterinarian’s Hospital, yes you will, dearie! Mumsie will be right back! Don’t go anywhere, sweetie-pie. (Miss Piggy exits as Foo-Foo starts barking. Floyd’s face lights up as he gets an idea.)

Floyd: Hey, little Foo-Foo! Wanna play a nice game with ol’ Floyd?
Foo-Foo: Woof! Woof! Woof!
Floyd: Uh, whatever…I guess that means, “Yeah!” (laughter from audience) OK…let’s play Hide and Seek! Yeah…you hide and I’ll seek. Go hide, Foo-Foo. (Foo-Foo scurries off to hide in a trunk that promptly shuts.) I’ll find you once I’m done counting to one hundred million! (laughs)
Musical Number:
The Gills Brothers (Jim Henson, Jerry Nelson, Richard Hunt, and Steve Whitmire) perform the Mills Brothers’ song “Paper Doll.” At the end, a giant Boss Man-sized paper doll (played by Frank Oz) smothers the Gills Brothers.

Balcony:
Statler: You know, I’ve always thought that singing fish acts are terrible.
Waldorf: Yeah, they’re always floundering!
Both: Dooooooooooooh-hohohohohohohohohohohoho!!!!!!

Backstage Scene #3:
(Kermit is at his desk and Beauregard is busy cleaning the upstairs railing. Floyd is reading a newspaper and waiting for his big chance…)
Kermit: OK, Vet’s Hospital onstage! (Miss Piggy enters in hysterics.)
Miss Piggy: WHERE’S MY SWEET FOO-FOO??!!! I’m gonna find whoever did this and cut him in half! WHO DID THIS????

Kermit: Piggy, is something wrong? (Miss Piggy looks at the camera.)
Miss Piggy: Is something wrong? Does it look like I’m screaming like this for no reason, slime boy?! (laughter) Foo-Foo has gone missing, and he was supposed to be the patient on Vet’s Hospital. We need to find Foo-Foo AND a new patient!

(As Miss Piggy talks, Floyd pretends to be nonchalant, and then feigns surprise.)
Floyd: Say what? You guys need someone for Vet’s Hospital? I’m down with that.

Miss Piggy: But…but Floyd, I didn’t know you could act.
Floyd: I can’t. (laughter) But I’ll give it a go, just this once.
Kermit: Why not? We need someone to go on as the patient. (Dr. Bob and Janice enter.) Get onstage! It’s time for Vet’s Hospital! (gets the whole VH crew onstage, then turns to Floyd) Hey, Floyd, ready to go on?
Floyd: Yeah…I need one thing, though.
Kermit: A cue card?
Floyd: Nope. This. (Floyd pulls out the bouquet of flowers and exits chuckling.)
Kermit: What he needs is a lot of luck. (laughter from audience)
Veterinarian’s Hospital:
Announcer: Once again, it’s time for Veterinarian’s Hospital: the continuing stooooooo-ry of a quack who has gone to the dogs. (Nurse Piggy is using a tongue depressor on herself and then throws it away once it’s time to begin the sketch.)
Dr. Bob: Well, who’s our next patient? (Dr. Bob lifts the cover and reacts in surprise when he sees Floyd.)
Floyd: Don’t worry, man, I won’t be here long.
Nurse Piggy: You mean you’re not sick after all?
Floyd: No, I AM sick. LOVE-sick. (laughter)
Nurse Janice: Dr. Bob, I know this man! What are you doing here, Floyd?
Floyd: Well…I…I just gotta say one thing… (Floyd sits up and pauses.)

Dr. Bob: Make it fast. This sketch is dying.
Nurse Piggy: Just like all of your previous patients! (laughter)
Floyd: Oh boy, I don’t dig what my ears just picked up.
Dr. Bob: Your ears picked something up? That’s not right, only hands are supposed to pick things up! (laughter as Floyd shakes his head)
Floyd: But seriously… (turns to Janice) Hey, Janice, sweetheart…I…
(The Vet’s Hospital crew stares at him. From the wings, Kermit, Fozzie, Beauregard, Scooter, and two Gills Brothers watch as Floyd gets the flowers out from underneath the covers and gives them to Janice.)
Floyd: Happy birthday, babe!
Nurse Janice: Ohhhhhh, honey! Like, wow! Thank you! (Floyd gets off the hospital bed and hugs Janice. Backstage, Kermit, Fozzie, Beauregard, Scooter, and the two Gills Brothers cheer.)

Dr. Bob: Hmmm…I don’t understand it. He hasn’t been cured, yet he’s happy.
Floyd: Oh, you can’t cure a dude who’s lovesick, Doc! That takes a LONG time.
Announcer: And so we come to the end of another Veterinarian’s Hospital. Tune in next time when you’ll hear Dr. Bob say…
Dr. Bob: I think I’m getting sick myself.
Nurse Piggy: You are?
Dr. Bob: Yes, I’m getting sick of this sketch! (laughter from Dr. Bob, Floyd, and the nurses)

Balcony:
Waldorf: There’s one thing I don’t get about that sketch.
Statler: What’s that?
Waldorf: The point!
Statler: Well, there never was one to begin with!

Both: Doooooooooooooh-hohohohohohohohohohohohohoho!!!!!
Closing Number:
Kermit: And now, once again, here he is, the fabulous Eric Clapton! Yaaaaaaayyyyy!!! (The curtain opens and Eric is with Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem. A table with a candle is set out in the foreground, and there is a vase with a rose in it. Janice is sitting at the table, while the rest of the Electric Mayhem are in the background with Eric. Floyd is in a snazzy suit and tie, while Janice is in a sequined evening gown. Dr. Teeth, Zoot, and Animal are in their regular outfits, and Eric is dressed in a jacket and khakis.)
Eric and Floyd sing “Wonderful Tonight” to Janice, who is not playing on the song. At the end, Floyd approaches Janice and wraps his arm around her tenderly. Loud applause and cheers at the end.
Curtain Call:
Kermit: Well that just about does it for another show. But before we wrap it up, let’s say thank you to our guest star, the wonderful Mr. Eric Clapton! Yaaaaaayyyyy!!!! (Audience applauds as Eric comes onstage.)

Eric: Thank you, Kermit. I had a fantastic time. And that last number was the real knockout punch of this evening.
Miss Piggy (offscreen): FLOYD!!! WHAT DID YOU DO TO FOO-FOO?! HIIIII-YAAAAAHHH! (Floyd goes flying across the stage and crashes.)
Kermit: No…THAT was the knockout punch.
Eric: She found out, didn’t she?

Kermit: I think that’s pretty safe to say. Uh, we’ll see you next time on the Muppet Show! (Applause as the themes song plays. Fozzie, Bobby Benson, Beauregard, and two cowboys join Eric and Kermit onstage.)
Balcony Closing:
Waldorf: So what did you think of Eric Clapton?
Statler: He’s such a good guitarist that I can’t find any reason to PICK on him!
Both: Doooooooooh-hohohohohohohoho!!!!
(Final notes: Da-da-da-da-da-DA! Zoot’s note: Bwaaaaaah…)


THE END

The Muppets:
Frank Oz as Miss Piggy, Fozzie Bear, Animal, Giant Paper Doll, and Others
Jerry Nelson as Floyd Pepper, Gills Brother, Announcer, and Others
Richard Hunt as Janice, Scooter, Statler, Beaker, Bobby Benson, Gills Brother, and Others

Dave Goelz as Gonzo, Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, Zoot, Beauregard, Cowboy, and Others
Steve Whitmire as Foo-Foo, Gills Brother, and Others
Louise Gold as Annie Sue and Others
Kathy Mullen as Others

and

Jim Henson as Kermit, Rowlf, the Newsman, Dr. Teeth, Waldorf, Gills Brother, and Others

Thanks for reading!
 

Stan Davis

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which muppets appear besides the whatnots in the opening number?
 

cjd874

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It's mostly Whatnots...but we see Dr. Teeth playing an upright piano too. Then when the song starts, he plays Hammond organ, while Animal's on drums and Floyd's on the electric bass. They're all wearing cowboy outfits, too.
 

cjd874

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Here's another one with a legendary British rocker who's still recording and touring to this day. He recently toured with the great Stevie Nicks, and he's known for his "Great American Songbook" albums. Plus, a lot of people think he's sexy. :wink:
Ladies and gentlemen, my latest Muppet Show outline!

THE MUPPET SHOW
With special guest star Rod Stewart
(late Season 3)

Cold Open:
(Scooter knocks on the door and enters Rod’s dressing room.)
Scooter: Rod Stewart? Rod Stewart? Oh, twenty seconds ‘til curtain, Rod!

Rod: Thank you, Scooter. I’ve got plenty of time.
Scooter: What do you mean, Rod? You’re not even dressed for the opening number yet!
Rod: Oh, don’t worry, Scooter. I’ll be ready in a flash! Just watch.
(A flash of light and a puff of smoke fill the room. When it clears, Rod is standing there in a glittery pink jacket, a tartan scarf, tight white pants, and a pair of black knee-high boots.)
Scooter (awestruck): Wow, you weren’t kidding! (Rod pats Scooter on the head and the audience laughs.)
Theme Song:
Kermit: It’s the Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Mr. Rod Stewart! Yaaaaayyyyy!!!! (Audience screams with delight as the curtain opens and the Season 3 theme plays. Then after the “Why don’t you get things started” verse, the camera cuts to the backstage area. Beauregard pulls the rope to lower the curtain onstage, but the curtain falls on him instead.)
It’s time to get things started on the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppet-tational…
This is what we call THE MUPPET SHOW!!!!!
Gonzo’s horn: The horn blares clearly for once. But Gonzo’s voice becomes high-pitched as if he breathed in helium. “What just happened? Hey, that’s cool!!!”
Introduction/Opening Number:
Kermit: Thank you! Thank you! Good evening, and welcome to the Muppet Show! Hey, we have a really good show for you tonight because our guest star is one of the world’s most popular singers, Rod Stewart! (Audience cheers and applauds.) Yes, but first, we take you back to the days of yore, when kings and queens and whatevers ruled the land. Don’t believe me? See for yourself! (Kermit exits and the curtain opens to thunderous applause.)
In a crystal ballroom, Gonzo (in his normal voice) sings “Shall We Dance?” from The King and I. Gonzo is dressed as a king, and all of his subjects are chickens in the appropriate attire. As Gonzo sings, he makes his way off his throne and toward Camilla, who dances with him. Applause at the end.
Balcony:
Waldorf: Bravo! Bravo! I loved it! I loved the dancing chickens!
Statler: Of course he would…that dumb cluck! Hohohohohoho!!! (Waldorf frowns.)
Backstage Scene #1:

(Gonzo and the chickens enter the backstage area.)
Kermit: All right, way to go! Hey Gonzo, you and your chickens did a great job.
Gonzo: Thanks, Kermit. I’m just glad we didn’t lay an egg out there.
(Two chickens squawk, startling Gonzo and Kermit. Gonzo and Kermit each pick up a freshly laid egg and stare at each other.)
Kermit: Looks like they waited until AFTER the opening number to do that. (laughter as Gonzo and the chickens exit with the eggs; Miss Piggy enters)
Miss Piggy: Kermie! Kermie, dear!
Kermit: Oh hi, Miss Piggy.
Miss Piggy: Kermie, I hear that Rod Stewart is about to do his opening number.
Kermit: Yeah? And…?
Miss Piggy: Well, I heard that he wants to sing to a special someone…a very special, lovely, and attractive someone. (gestures toward herself) Need I say more? (laughter from audience)
Kermit: Uh Piggy, as much as I’d like to say that you are the one that I have in mind, we’ve already found someone.
Miss Piggy (pauses): You have? Who?? (Annie Sue enters in a glamorous dress.)
Annie Sue: Oh, Mister Kermit sir! Thank you so much for letting me be in the opening number with Mister Stewart! I’ve always been a big fan of his! He’s such a lovely man! (Annie Sue heads toward the stage)
Kermit: No problem, Annie Sue! Good luck! (Miss Piggy’s snout curls into her mouth out of anger and jealousy.)

Miss Piggy: ANNIE SUE? (turns to Kermit in a rage) That little brat is singing with Rod Stewart?!! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS, FROG??
Kermit (nervously): P-P-Piggy, I think this is a good opportunity for Annie Sue. I think it’s going to be her big break.
Miss Piggy: Oh, you want to see a big break? I’LL SHOW YOU A BIG BREAK, FLIPPER FACE!!! HIIIII-YAAAHH!!! (Piggy smacks Kermit right onto the stage and storms off to her dressing room.)

Musical Number:
(Kermit crash-lands on the stage floor and rises in a daze.)
Kermit: Sheesh… (shakes it off and turns to audience) And now it’s time to slip on your boogie shoes, get down, and groove! Ladies and gentlemen, here he is, with our own Electric Mayhem Band, the fantastic Mr. Rod Stewart! YAAAAYYYY!!! (Audience screams and applauds as the curtain opens.)
Rod Stewart sings “Do Ya Think I’m Sexy?” to Annie Sue in a disco, with Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem as the backing band. As Zoot plays the saxophone solo, Rod and Annie Sue dance together, along with a couple of Whatnot disco dancers (played by Steve Whitmire). The audience gives a huge ovation at the end.
Balcony:
Waldorf: That does it. I’m leaving. (stands up to go)
Statler: But why?
Waldorf: I’ve seen enough of this silly show. I’d rather be at home right now.
Statler: With your wife? (Waldorf pauses and then sits back in his seat.)
Waldorf: That was amazing! MORE! (laughter from audience and from Statler)

Backstage Scene #2:
(Kermit and Scooter are knocking on Miss Piggy’s dressing room door. Floyd Pepper is standing by Kermit’s desk, looking up toward Kermit and Scooter.)
Scooter: Miss Piggy, come out, please! Veterinarian’s Hospital is about to go on!

Miss Piggy: No! I REFUSE to go on.
Kermit: Why not?
Miss Piggy: Moi was not in the opening number! If moi can’t perform with Rod Stewart, moi will not perform at all tonight!
Kermit: But Miss Piggy, the show must go on! You’re one of the stars of this show! You need to go out there even if things aren’t going your way. We really need you to go on. Think of your loyal fans! Think of everyone here on the show. Think of me. (pauses) Do it for me, Piggy. Please?
Miss Piggy (sighs melodramatically): Okay, Kermie. I’ll do it, but ONLY for you.
Floyd: Yeah, Miss Pork Butt. It’s about time that you stop being such a ham already! Haaaaaaaah-hahahahahahaaah!!! (audience laughs)
Miss Piggy (furiously): I heard that! You’re gonna get it now, you good-for-nothing freak! (Piggy opens her door, ready to find Floyd and hit him.)
Kermit: All right…NOW! (Fozzie, Beauregard, Link Hogthrob, Scooter and Kermit ambush Miss Piggy and stuff her into her Vet’s Hospital outfit.)
Floyd: Now that’s what is known as fakin’ out the bacon! Haaaaaaah-hahahahaha!!! (laughter from audience as Floyd watches everyone struggle to get Piggy into her VH outfit)
Muppet News Flash:

Muppet Newsman: HERE IS A MUPPET NEWS FLASH!!! (Newsman runs in) This just in: water bills in America are at an all-time high. Currently, the average American family pays more than $285 for their annual water bills. That equates to approximately 1,746 gallons of water per family. (The Newsman quickly pulls out an umbrella, expecting to get soaked by gallons of water. But confetti falls on him instead. The Newsman laughs and puts his umbrella away.) Ha-ha! Well, what do you know! They didn’t get me this time! (Then a falling sandbag decks the Newsman and he falls over.)
Balcony:
Waldorf: What did you think of that?
Statler: I liked it.
Waldorf: You did? Why?
Statler: It was quite a hard-hitting news report!
Both: Dooooooooooh-hohohohohohohohoho!!!!!
Veterinarian’s Hospital:

Announcer: And now, once again, it’s time for Veterinarian’s Hospital…the continuing stooooooooorrrry of a quack who has gone to the dogs. (Nurse Piggy is listening to her heartbeat with a stethoscope and moving in time with the beat. She soon discards the stethoscope and joins Dr. Bob and Nurse Janice at the operating table.)
Dr. Bob: Well, let’s see who our next patient is. (Dr. Bob lifts the cover, revealing a head of lettuce, played by Steve Whitmire.) What is this doing here?
Nurse Janice: It’s very sick, Dr. Bob! But be careful: it’s in a rully bad mood, and like, I just don’t know why.

Dr. Bob: Well, then let me ask. Hey, lettuce, why are you in a bad mood?
Lettuce (bitterly): I just feel crummy. Every part of my body hurts.
Nurse Janice: How is that possible? All you have is a head! (laughter)
Lettuce (sarcastically): Very funny. Just get this over with, OK?
Dr. Bob: Well, you need to LETTUCE examine you! (everyone laughs)
Lettuce: All right, all right. Go ahead. (Dr. Bob begins to examine the lettuce)
Nurse Piggy: Oh, Dr. Bob! How do we go about examining a head of lettuce?

Dr. Bob: Oh, don’t worry, Nurse Piggy. Just LEAF it to me! (laughter as Dr. Bob continues examining the lettuce)
Nurse Piggy: What is the diagnosis, Dr. Bob?
Dr. Bob: It has a very high temperature!
Nurse Janice: Like, how could you tell, Dr. Bob?
Dr. Bob: Its head is warm! (laughter) It needs to be cooled down.
Nurse Janice: It does?

Dr. Bob: Yes, and that’s just the tip of the ICEBERG!!! (uproarious laughter)
Nurse Piggy (giggling): Please, Dr. Bob. No more jokes!
Dr. Bob: But why not?
Nurse Piggy: I’m about to…KALE over! (everyone howls with laughter)
Announcer: And so we come to the end of another episode of Veterinarian’s Hospital. Tune in next time when you’ll hear Dr. Bob say…
Dr. Bob: Well, let’s break for lunch. Who’s up for some salad?
Lettuce: You know, Doc, your medical background makes me think of lettuce.
Dr. Bob: Why’s that?
Lettuce: You’re really GREEN. (The audience laughs as Nurse Piggy and Nurse Janice go “Oooooh” to Dr. Bob, who sighs and shakes his head. Fade to black.)
UK Spot:

A group of Whatnots sing and reenact “Minnie the Moocher.” Jerry plays the lead singer, Frank performs Minnie (who does not speak), Dave plays Smokey (who also does not speak); and Jim, Louise, Richard, and Steve perform the Whatnot backup vocalists: Hi-de-hi-de-hi-de-ho! Applause at the end.
Guest Dressing Room Scene:
(Rod is with Annie Sue when he hears knocking on the door.)

Rod: Come in! (Miss Piggy enters, still in her VH outfit.)
Miss Piggy: Hello, Roderick dear. (stops short) What the hey?! (to Annie Sue) What are YOU doing here, Annie Sue?
Annie Sue: I’m just spending some time with Rod, Miss Piggy. I hope you don’t take it personally.

Rod: Is there a problem, Miss Piggy?
Miss Piggy: A problem? A PROBLEM?! Let’s be honest here, Roderick. I am your biggest fan! I don’t understand why you are cuddling that little upstart when you could be holding moi in your arms! (laughter from audience)
Annie Sue: Hold on just a minute, Miss Piggy! I am Rod’s biggest fan! I deserve to spend time with him!
Miss Piggy: Oh no you don’t, you brat! I’m his biggest fan!
Annie Sue: No, I am!
Miss Piggy: I AM!!!

Rod: STOP IT! Hold on, ladies. There’s no need for this kind of fighting. It doesn’t matter who the bigger fan is here. In fact, I don’t think there is a bigger fan here. If I had to choose, I’d choose both of you. (Miss Piggy and Annie Sue look at one another in surprise.)
MP&AS: Really?
Rod: Yes! I think you two ladies are very beautiful, intelligent, and talented…not to mention that you pursue your goals relentlessly. (chuckles from audience) You two are huge stars on this show, and you know that! I really love you, Miss Piggy, but I also love you, Annie Sue… (pauses) What I’m saying is that there’s room in my heart for both of you.
Musical Number (in the dressing room):
Rod Stewart sings “You’re in my Heart (The Final Acclaim)” to Miss Piggy and Annie Sue, who finally make amends with one another. The Jug Huggers (Slim Wilson (Jerry Nelson) on acoustic guitar and vocals, Gramps (Richard Hunt) on fiddle and vocals, Zeke (Jim Henson) on banjo and vocals, and Bubba (Dave Goelz) on the jug, singing a simple bass line) back up Rod, Miss Piggy, and Annie Sue, who all hug one another. Applause at the end.

Sam the Eagle’s Editorial:
(As a fanfare plays, Sam the Eagle approaches his podium.)

Sam the Eagle: Good evening. I am here tonight to express my displeasure with the current state of the music industry. The ears of millions of people are being severely polluted with nonsensical, atrocious, filthy…gibber-gabber that is detrimental to this country. It suffices to say that rock music and disco are absolutely un-American. I mean, who in their right mind would even THINK ABOUT listening to a jarring beat, screeching electric guitars, horrid vocals, and lyrics depicting vulgarities that I will not even DARE mention? (laughter from audience) Who in their right mind would have a good time listening to this garbage? (A Whatnot disco DJ with a New York accent, played by Steve Whitmire, comes onstage, interrupting Sam’s editorial.)
DJ: OK, fellas, bring it right over here! (Luncheon Counter Monster and Behemoth, both in shades and leisure suits, haul in a huge disco booth for the turntables and put it right next to Sam.) All right, now lower the ball in! (A disco ball is lowered right above Sam’s head.) Right on! Now let’s party, baby! (Audience laughs as several Whatnot dancers, the monsters, and the DJ begin having a disco party right there on stage, completely oblivious to Sam’s presence.)
Sam: Wait! What is this?! WHAT is going on? Get out! Get out! You are interrupting my--- (a Whatnot grabs Sam’s arms and begins dancing with him) NO! This must be a cruel, SICK joke! Please stop this! Help! Call the police! This was NOT intended to be part of the act! HELP!!!

Balcony:
Statler: You know, Waldorf, I just don’t understand what’s wrong with the younger generation. Why do they keep going to discos?
Waldorf: I don’t know, but I’d say they’re smarter than us!

Statler: Why’s that?
Waldorf: At least they don’t come to this show!

Both: Dooooooooooooooooh-hohohohohohohohohohoho!!!!!
Backstage Scene #3:
(Kermit is at his desk when Miss Piggy and Annie Sue arrive.)
Miss Piggy: Kermie! Kermie!

Kermit: Hi, Miss Piggy. Hi, Annie Sue. I see you two aren’t fighting anymore.
Miss Piggy: Indeed we have, my little green bundle of joy. We’ve made up, Kermie. We are no longer rivals anymore. You see, Annabelle and I got to meet with Rod Stewart AND sing with him!
Annie Sue: It was so much fun, too! Thank you, Mister Kermit, for bringing Mister Stewart onto the show. (kisses Kermit, and Miss Piggy suddenly gets mad)
Miss Piggy: HOLD IT!!! No one touches my frog! (Annie Sue runs away in fear.) COME BACK HERE, YOU TWERP! (Miss Piggy begins chasing Annie Sue as Kermit looks on in alarm. Floyd Pepper enters.)

Floyd: Hey Kermit, my man, what’s going on? (Miss Piggy and Annie Sue run past Kermit and Floyd, screaming.)
Kermit: Well, Piggy said that she and Annie Sue have made up. (Miss Piggy dashes after Annie Sue, yelling loudly.) So much for that. (laughter)
Floyd: Man, this ain’t gonna be pretty. Miss Fatback is set on breakin’ the bacon into little strips! (Floyd and Kermit laugh, but Miss Piggy and Annie Sue overhear this crack. Miss Piggy AND Annie Sue karate-chop Kermit and Floyd.)
Miss Piggy: Hmph. MEN. (Annie Sue nods.)
Annie Sue: It certainly feels good to be friends now, doesn’t it?
Miss Piggy (wickedly): Yes it does, Annabelle. Yes, it does. (Kermit and Floyd emerge in a daze, and then both pigs kick them to the ground.)

Muppets’ Musical Number:
Rowlf and Fozzie perform Bach’s Prelude in C Major, which the Mutations (all in tutus) ruin by dancing and eventually knocking the piano over.
Swedish Chef:

The Chef sings the theme song while peeling a banana in time with the music. Then he throws it over his head. The Chef plans to make a chocolate malted. He has the barley, flour, and chocolate; all he needs is the milk. He brings in a cow (Louise Gold) to provide the milk, but the cow refuses to cooperate. So the Chef chases the cow with a bucket and a wooden spoon. Soon, the cow sidesteps the Chef, who slips on the banana peel he threw earlier. The bucket lands on the Chef’s head, and the cow grabs the spoon and whacks the bucket, making the Chef’s head vibrate. The Chef faints, and the cow wins.
Balcony:
Waldorf: I think that sketch was too short, don’t you?
Statler: Yeah, they definitely could have BEEFED it up a little!

Both: Doooooooooh-hohohohohohohohoho!!!!!
Closing Number:
Kermit: And now, ladies and gentlemen…uh, is everyone ready back there?
Stagehand (Frank Oz, Cookie-Monster voice): Why do you wanna know, frog? (laughter from audience as Kermit sighs)
Kermit: Because we have a CLOSING NUMBER TO DO!!!!
Stagehand: Oh, right! Right! Right! Sorry. Yeah, we’re ready.

Kermit: Uh, ladies and gentlemen, our closing number with Mr. Rod Stewart! Yaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy!!! (flails arms and exits as the curtain opens)
Rod Stewart sings “Sailing” on a boat with the Muppets. Rod is in a sailor’s outfit, as are Fozzie Bear, Lew Zealand, Link Hogthrob, Gonzo, and Scooter. A few Whatnots (Steve Whitmire and Louise Gold) are also on board. Suddenly, a shark jumps onto the boat, causing everyone to jump into the water. Laughter and applause at the end.
Curtain Call:

Kermit: Well, that just about does it for another show. But before you all make a mad dash for the exits, let’s give a warm thank you to our incredible guest star, Mr. ROD STEWART!!!! YAAAAAAYYYYYYYY!!!! (Audience screams with delight and bursts into applause as Rod comes out wearing a leopard-skin jacket, a tartan scarf, and tight jeans.)
Rod: Thank you so much for letting me on the show tonight, Kermit. I had a great time. (Miss Piggy and Annie Sue enter clad in tartan blouses and dresses.)
Miss Piggy: So did we, Roderick!
Annie Sue: Will you be back again, Mister Stewart?
Rod: Gosh, I don’t know. I’d love to come back, actually. I seem to have made quite an impression on everyone. (Audience laughs as Fozzie, Lew Zealand, Gonzo, Bubba, Scooter, and Gramps enter, all wearing tartan articles of clothing.)

Kermit: You can say that again! We’ll see you next time on the Muppet Show! (Audience applauds as the closing theme begins and Rod talks to the Muppets.)
Balcony Closing:
Waldorf: Watching this show is as boring as watching paint dry!

Statler: No, I think it’s MORE boring than that!
Both: Dooooooooooooooh-hohohohohohohohohohohohohohoho!!!!!
(Final notes: Da-da-da-da-da-DA! Zoot’s final note: BWAAAAA!)



THE END


The Muppets:
Frank Oz as Miss Piggy, Fozzie Bear, Animal, Sam the Eagle, Minnie the Moocher, and Others

Jerry Nelson as Floyd Pepper, Camilla, Lew Zealand, “Minnie” Lead Singer, Slim Wilson, Announcer, and Others
Richard Hunt as Scooter, Statler, Janice, Gramps, and Others
Dave Goelz as Gonzo, Beauregard, Zoot, Smokey, Bubba, and Others

Louise Gold as Annie Sue, Cow, and Others
Steve Whitmire as Lettuce, Disco DJ, and Others
and
Jim Henson as Kermit, Rowlf, the Newsman, Swedish Chef, Link Hogthrob, Dr. Teeth, Waldorf, Zeke, and Others

Thanks for reading!
 

Misskermie

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LOL
The only time Miss Piggy can stand her:
In a fanfic. LOL!
 

cjd874

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OK, so I actually started this one during the summer...it took me three months to complete, due to other summer-related activity (job, traveling, family gatherings, Mario Kart night, etc). But I am proud to present my latest Muppet Show outline, featuring a superstar whose band just celebrated its fiftieth anniversary. He may never have gotten any satisfaction, but I certainly got some from writing this one.

THE MUPPET SHOW
with special guest star Mick Jagger
(season 5)
Cold Open:
(Pops is behind his desk putting on a puppet show for Gaffer the Cat. He is using a male puppet and a female puppet to entertain Gaffer.)

Pops: And so they got married, and they lived happily ever after. The end. (He drops his puppets below the desk.) Did ya like that, Gaffer?
Gaffer (nodding): Meow! (audience laughs)
Pops: I reckon that’s a yes. (Laughter from audience, and then Mick Jagger enters the lobby area in a leather jacket and tight pants.) Who are you?

Mick: I’m Mick Jagger. I’m the guest for the Muppet Show tonight.
Pops: Mick Jagger? Oh, yeah! You’re that famous rock ‘n’ roll singer! I’ll go tell the rest of your band. They’ve been waiting fifteen minutes for ya!
Mick (confused): But…but my band isn’t supposed to be here tonight!
Pops (ignoring him): Hey! Come on in, fellas! Mick’s here.
(On cue, four giant stones roll into the lobby. Mick gasps and ducks for cover as the stones roll past him and crash through the wall. Audience laughs as Mick stares at the camera in shock.)
Theme:
Kermit: It’s the Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, MICK JAGGER!!! YAAAAAYYYYYY!!!! (Applause and screams from audience as the curtain rises and the Season 5 theme plays.)

It’s time to get things started on the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppet-ational…
This is what we call THE MUPPET SHOW!!!!!
Gonzo’s horn: the sound of a cheering stadium crowd comes out of the horn.

Introduction/Opening Number:
Kermit: Thank you, thank you, and welcome to the Muppet Show! Hey, we really have a spectacular show for you all tonight, because our guest is none other than the fabulous singer Mick Jagger! (applause from audience) We’re thrilled to have him here, but first, we have quite a sweet treat of an opening number for you! (Kermit exits, and the curtain opens.)

A live-hands Whatnot (played by Richard Hunt) sings “Candy Man” as he rolls around a cart full of candy. He passes out lollipops, licorice, and mints to several Whatnot children. Ultimately, some penguins pop up and eat the remainder of the candy, to the Candy Man’s chagrin. But the kids are delighted to see the penguins, so the Candy Man has made the kids happy anyway.
Balcony:
Waldorf: Boy, it’s cold up here tonight. (Statler enters with a group of penguins.) Statler: Watch your step, fellas. (Waldorf is dumbfounded.)

Waldorf: Hey Statler, why are you bringing these penguins here?
Statler: I invited them up here.

Waldorf: You did? Why?
Statler: So we could all chill out together!
Both: Doooooooooh-hohohohohohoho!!!! (The penguins start laughing, too.)
Backstage Scene #1:
Kermit: All right, way to go! You were great! (Several penguins enter and exit the backstage area. As Kermit resumes his work, Scooter approaches Kermit, who does not look up from his desk. As a result, he fails to notice Scooter’s flashy outfit: a green and yellow vertical striped jumpsuit with sparkles and a matching headpiece. Scooter also has a bright orange electric guitar.)

Scooter: Hey, boss?
Kermit: Yeah, Scooter?
Scooter: I just wanna thank you for getting Mick Jagger on the show.

Kermit: Oh, don’t worry about it, Scooter.
Scooter: Yeah, Mick’s one of my biggest idols!
Kermit: I’m sure he is.
Scooter: And…and everyone else is really happy, too!
Kermit: Well, that’s nice. (Kermit is still not paying attention to Scooter.)

Scooter: Kermit, don’t you understand? This is Mick Jagger that we’re talking about here! Mick Jagger! This is so important to us! Don’t you see?
(Kermit finally looks up and does a double take at Scooter’s outfit)
Kermit: SCOOTER! Why are you wearing that outfit? What is going on?
Scooter: Well, Kermit…I was talking with some of the guys, and…we want to start a band. (Audience laughs as Fozzie, Gonzo, and Lew Zealand enter in ridiculous glam-rock outfits: sparkles, fringes, frills, large glasses, etc. Fozzie has a bass guitar, Lew is on drums, and Gonzo has an electric guitar. Kermit is horrified.)
Kermit: W-w-what is this?!
Scooter: OK, on the count of three! One! Two! Three! (They begin singing nonsensical, off-key music...and their instrumental skills aren’t much better. Kermit gets increasingly irritated as the song goes on.)
Scooter: So, what do you say, chief?
Lew Zealand: What do you think, Mr. Kermit?
Gonzo: Did you like it?
Fozzie: Uh, are the sparkles too much, Kermit? (laughter from audience)
Kermit (quietly): Let me tell you all something… (explodes) THAT WAS TERRIBLE!!! That was the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. Get out! Get out! (pushes the other Muppets away) Sheesh. If you thought rock and roll wasn’t dead, they just put the final nail in the coffin. (laughter from audience as Kermit heads toward the stage for the next act)
Musical Number:
Kermit: And now, here’s the moment you’ve all been waiting for! Here he is, one of the most successful recording stars in the world! Ladies and gentlemen, Mick Jagger! YAAAAAYYYY!!!!! (Kermit flails his arms and runs off as the curtain opens; the audience applauds and cheers shrilly.)

Mick Jagger is amongst a Whatnot army troop, being commanded to fight by a male Whatnot commander (Frank Oz).
Commander: ATTENNNN-TION!!! (The soldiers come to attention.) All right, men! Listen up! We are fighting for this COUNTRY!!! If we lose, there’s no telling what they will DO to us! We are fighting for liberty! For freedom! For our futures! Do you under-STAND me?
Troops: YESSIR!!!
Commander: Good! Now listen closely, men: our ammunition is running low! Our supplies are down to almost nothing! But we must be strong! We must be brave! We must WIN this war!
Troops: YESSIR!!!
(The Commander screams, “ARE YOU READY, SOLDIER?” in the soldiers’ faces, one by one. Some of them cower until they are brave enough to reply, while others reply loudly and earnestly. Finally, the Commander gets in Mick’s face.)
Commander: ARE YOU READY, SOLDIER?!

Mick: YESSIR!!! I’m ready to fight, SIR! Anything for my country, SIR!
Commander: That’s the spirit!
Mick: Just as long as I don’t have to drop and give fifty for you. (laughter)
Commander: I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that, soldier. Now go and FIGHT!!! (the troops scatter and begin firing away with their rifles and cannons)
As the war begins, Mick stays in a bunker with his cannon and sings “Gimme Shelter” with a female Whatnot (Louise Gold). Meanwhile, the Whatnots are fighting each other in a war zone similar to the one in “Why Can’t We Be Friends” from the TMS: John Denver episode. Cannons and muskets roar, and Whatnots keep falling to the ground as Mick tries to keep singing. At the end, Mick fires a cannon shot that obliterates all the opposing Whatnots, so he wins the war for his fellow soldiers and commanders. But after everyone celebrates, the Commander forces Mick to drop and give fifty pushups for his previous snide comment. Applause at the end.
Balcony:
Waldorf: You know, this show is just like a war.

Statler: Why’s that?
Waldorf: Because it’s always the Muppets against the audience to see who lasts longer each show.
Statler: Well, it looks like the audience is winning this time.
Waldorf: This time? We’ve always been winning!
Both: Dooooooooooohhhh-hohohohohohohohoho!!!! (audience laughs)
Backstage Scene #2:
(Scooter, Lew, Fozzie, and Gonzo, still clad in their rock outfits, approach Kermit at his work desk.)
Scooter: Hey, Kermit? (Kermit scrunches his mouth when he sees them.)
Kermit: Scooter, what is it now?
Scooter: I was just talking with these guys, and we want to have a number on the show tonight.
Kermit: WHAT?! But-but you guys can’t sing or play your instruments! You have no chance of going on tonight!
Lew Zealand: But Mr. Kermit, we’ve been practicing all week! We deserve to go on! Right, fellas? (the others nod in agreement)
Gonzo: Yeah, Kermit! We’ve got talent! We’ve got flash! (Gonzo’s suit explodes, revealing another one just like it underneath.)
Fozzie: And we’ve got presence, too! (hands Kermit a gift-wrapped box with a bow on top) AAAAAHHHHH!!!! PRESENTS! Get it? (pushes Kermit playfully) If the music doesn’t work, we’ve got comedy to fall back on!
Kermit (scrunches mouth): I see… (laughter from audience) Listen, guys. I said before that you won’t be going on tonight. Tell me: who in the world would even listen to your so-called “music”?
(Mick enters behind Scooter, to Kermit’s shock.)
Scooter: He would.
Kermit: M-M-Mick? You LIKE their music?
Mick: Well…it’s not bad. (pause) But it’s not good. (laughter) Listen, Kermit, I think they’ve got potential. This could be their big break. Just give ‘em a chance tonight. Please?
Fozzie, Scooter, Lew, & Gonzo: Yeah! (They all start begging Kermit to let them perform. Kermit pauses and thinks.)
Kermit: Well…all right. (Everyone cheers.) But just this ONCE! Now go get ready! You’re on in a few minutes! Go! Go! Go! (everyone runs off to get ready) Sheesh… (Kermit examines the gift-wrapped box) Cute…that was cute. (audience laughs) The same can’t be said about their music, though. (more laughter)

Muppet News Flash:
Muppet Newsman: HERE IS A MUPPET NEWS FLASH!!! (runs onstage) The annual convention for the Cheese Lovers’ Society of Manhattan has been canceled this year. According to authorities, the smell of limburger and parmesan was so strong that it caused complaints from the local residents. The Cheese Lovers are doing their best to fight back, however, and--- (Several chunks of cheese land on the Newsman. Finally, some shreds of parmesan float to the ground like snowflakes, covering the Newsman’s head.)

Musical Number:
Kermit: And now we have a real treat for those of you who like rock and roll music…and for those of you who like to throw fruit and vegetables at people. (laughter from audience)
Fozzie (behind the curtain): Kerrrr-mit!!! Just introduce us!

Kermit: Uh, ladies and gentlemen, here is Super Scooter and the Go-fers. (weakly) Yaaaaaaay…oh boy. (exits quickly as the curtain opens)
Gonzo, Scooter, and Fozzie are standing next to each other with their instruments, while Lew Zealand is behind a drum kit on a raised platform. They are in the same outlandish outfits as before. Mick and Kermit are watching from behind the curtain, and Beauregard is upstairs by the dressing rooms.

Mick: Oh, this is going to be great!
Kermit: “Great” being a relative term. (laughter)

Super Scooter and the Go-fers launch into a muddled, off-key rendition of the Rolling Stones’ “It’s Only Rock and Roll (But I Like It).” In no time at all, the band gets booed offstage and pelted with produce. Kermit and Bo exit in disgust as the curtain closes.
Balcony:
Statler: BOOOO! BOOOO! That was terrible! I should have turned off my hearing aid before that began. Right, Waldorf?
(Waldorf doesn’t hear him because his hearing aid is off.)
Statler: Right, Waldorf? (yells in Waldorf’s ear) RIGHT???
Waldorf: Huh? Speak up, you old fool! I turned off my hearing aid before that began.
Statler (pauses): Heh, I guess he beat me to it. (audience laughs)
Backstage Scene #3/Musical Number:
(Fozzie, Scooter, Gonzo, and Lew Zealand enter the backstage dejectedly. No one else is there to greet them except Mick.)
Mick: Hey, fellas. I’m sorry it didn’t go well.
Scooter: Oh, Mick, it was awful. No one liked us.

Fozzie: I don’t understand it! We worked so hard, and they hated it!
Lew Zealand: Yeah! We were booed off after ten seconds! TEN seconds!
Gonzo: And I thought they hated my trapeze act last week.
Mick: Wait, Gonzo…you did a trapeze act?
Gonzo: Yeah, I balanced a hippopotamus on my head and recited Hamlet’s soliloquy while flying on a trapeze! I was booed off the stage after thirteen seconds. (audience laughs) Only after the hippo landed on me. (more laughter)
Fozzie (shoves Gonzo): Gonzo! This is serious! Nothing went right for us! No one liked our act. I don’t even know if Kermit will allow us to perform again.
Mick: Oh, Fozzie. Listen, fellas, I’m really sorry to hear that it didn’t go well. But everyone has bad days. I mean, not every performance will go the way you want it to go, but if you keep on trying, you might just get the performance you want. (acoustic guitar music starts up) Let me put it this way…
Mick sings a shortened version “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” to the Muppets, who cheer up by the end. Applause at the end.

UK Spot:
(Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem are assembled onstage.)
Dr. Teeth: Salutations, and what’s cooking? Welcome to our little show, ladies and gents. Since we have the inimitable, incomparable, and indelible Mick Jagger as our VIP guest, we might as well keep things going with some good old rock and roll music! Hit it!
Dr. Teeth belts out a rollicking rendition of Chuck Berry’s “Roll Over Beethoven,” with the Beethoven Bust sitting on top of his piano. As Dr. Teeth pounds the keys, the bust keeps shaking back and forth, his frown growing more and more intense. Finally, the frustrated bust stops the band mid-song.
Beethoven: Stop! Stop! Hold it! Hold it! Stop the music!
Dr. Teeth: Wait a minute, my classically trained compadre. What’s troublin’ ya?
Beethoven: It’s that music! I don’t like it one bit! It’s terrible! Worst thing I’ve ever heard!
Dr. Teeth: Why’s that, my proficiently prestigious piano-playing partner?
Beethoven: Take a guess.
Dr. Teeth: Ummm…it’s too loud.
Beethoven: Nope.
Dr. Teeth: It’s too soft?
Beethoven (sighs in exasperation): Guess again, buddy.
Dr. Teeth: Too much bass... (Beethoven Bust shakes its head.) No? Not enough guitar? (Beethoven Bust shakes its head again.) Uh…lemme think. Hold on. I know! It’s too fast! Yeah, Animal had an extra candy bar before going onstage. (laughter from audience)
Beethoven: No, no, no! You’re wrong.
Dr. Teeth: A-HA! Not enough flash! (Dr. Teeth points his finger, and the set gets a psychedelic makeover.)
Beethoven: NO! Okay, okay. It’s clear that you don’t have a clue, pal. Let me tell you what’s wrong with your song.
Dr. Teeth: Sure, Ludwig. What’s the scoop?
Beethoven: You shouldn’t be playing that lousy keyboard…you should be playing an ultra-cool, out-of-sight, super funky Hammond B-3 organ! (audience laughs)
Dr. Teeth (does a double take): What’d ya say?
Beethoven: You heard me, bub! A Hammond B-3 organ! I mean that thing is absolutely smokin’! It would just be totally awesome if you cats had one here, you catch my drift? (The entire Electric Mayhem Band is in shock at seeing the Beethoven bust talking like a hippie. Even Animal’s jaw has dropped.)
Dr. Teeth (still reeling): Uhhh…sure. Gotcha. (He points his finger and a Hammond B-3 organ materializes in front of him.)
Beethoven: Now that’s what I’m talking about!
Dr. Teeth: Okay gang, let’s lay down the rest of this itty-bitty ditty for Mr. B! (Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem finish “Roll Over Beethoven” with more ferocity and passion than before. Beethoven bops his head in time with the music.)
Dr. Teeth: You diggin’ it now, Beethoven?
Beethoven: Yeah! Far out, my main dude! Keep on rocking!
(Dr. Teeth and the EM lay down the final chord. Loud applause at the end as Dr. Teeth puts some cool shades over the Beethoven bust’s eyes. Floyd chuckles, Janice high-fives Floyd, Zoot nods his head, Lips raises his trumpet, and Animal grins widely. Dr. Teeth acknowledges at the crowd, as does Beethoven.)
Pigs in Space:
Announcer: Once again, it’s time for PIIIIGGGGSSS IIIIIIIINNNNNNNN SSSSPPPPPAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCEEEEEEEE!!!!!! When we last left the Swinetrek, Captain Hogthrob was awaiting the arrival of the newest member of their crew. (Link Hogthrob is looking at a pocket watch and First Mate Piggy is relaxing in her chair. Dr. Strangepork is reading a book.)
Link Hogthrob: Uh, Dr. Strangepork, what are you reading?
Dr. Strangepork: Oh, it’s a nifty little book called “Great Pigs in Science.” It talks about the work of Co-pork-nicus, Ein-swine, and Pig-mund Freud, among others. (audience laughs)
Link Hogthrob: That is wonderful! A fascinating read! Incredibly insightful, too!
First Mate Piggy: Link, I didn’t know you were interested in science!
Link Hogthrob: I’m not. I’m just reading what those reviews on the back cover say. (Link points at the back cover, and the audience laughs as Piggy and Dr. Strangepork shake their heads.)
(An unseen male pig, voiced by Steve Whitmire, comes on over the speakers.)
Male Pig: Captain Hogthrob, your newest recruit has arrived and is waiting outside the door.
Link Hogthrob: Good. I’ll let her in.
First Mate Piggy: HER?
(Link presses a button and the left set of doors opens. Annie Sue is standing there in a navy blue Pigs in Space outfit. Link and Dr. Strangepork are delighted, but First Mate Piggy is not.)
First Mate Piggy: What the hey?!
Annie Sue: Oh, you must be Captain Hogthrob! It’s so good to see you.
Link Hogthrob: Indeed I am. Welcome aboard the Swinetrek, my dear. You must be Annie Sue! This is Dr. Strangepork.
Dr. Strangepork: Hello. Pleased to meet you!
Annie Sue: Wow! It’s so nice to meet you, too.
Link Hogthrob: And this is First Mate Piggy. (First Mate Piggy’s back is turned away defiantly from Link and Annie Sue.) Say hello, First Mate Piggy.
First Mate Piggy (turning toward Annie Sue): Grrrrrrr.
Link Hogthrob: Uh, let’s move on. Annie Sue, I need to set some rules with you.
Annie Sue: Oh, goody! I’m all ears, Captain Hogthrob!
Link Hogthrob: First, obey the captain’s orders. (Annie Sue nods) Second, stay on the ship at all times. Don’t leave this control room without permission. (Annies Sue nods again) Third, if you don’t know what a button or lever does, DO NOT activate it. EVER!
Annie Sue: Oh…like this one? (presses a huge red button)
Link Hogthrob: NO! (the ship begins rocking back and forth and steam begins shooting out from all directions)
First Mate Piggy (shouting at Annie Sue): Now look what you’ve done, you twerp! You know what you just pressed?
Annie Sue: No! What did I do?!
Dr. Strangepork: I’m afraid you’ve pressed the SELF-DESTRUCT button!
(A robotic voiceover, done by Dave Goelz, begins a countdown.)

Robot: This ship will self-destruct in thirty seconds. Twenty-nine. Twenty-eight. Twenty-seven. (Everyone on board is freaking out and trying to escape, running into each other and screaming for help.)
First Mate Piggy (to camera): Two hundred forty-seven applicants for the job and ol’ Bacon Brain had to pick THIS one. (continues shouting for help and running into the other crew members)
Announcer: Is this the end of the Swinetrek as we know it? Will our heroes be able to escape this perilous situation, or will they be in more trouble than roast pigs? And above all, who will Annie Sue’s replacement be? Looks like you’ll have to wait for the next installment of PIIIIIIIIGGGGGSSSSS IIIIIINNNNNN SSSSPPPPAAAAACCCCCEEEEE!!!!! (rattling ship flies away)
Balcony:
Statler: That Annie Sue was wonderful! What did you think of her?
Waldorf: She wasn’t so good.
Statler: Why not?
Waldorf: Why else? She HOGGED the spotlight.
Both: Dooooooooooooh-hohohohohohohohohohoho!!!!
Waldorf: You know, now that I think about it, they were all HAMMING IT UP!
Both: DAAAAAWWWWWW-HOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!!!!!
Backstage Scene #4:
(Sam the Eagle approaches Kermit.)

Sam: KERMIT! I don’t believe it! I thought that you would have learned by now from your previous mistakes!
Kermit: Uh, what do you mean, Sam?
Sam: Once again, you have booked a WEIRDO on this show!
Kermit: A weirdo?
Sam: Read my lips, frog. (Sam moves closer to Kermit and repeats himself slowly and loudly) WEIIIIIIIRRRRRR-DOOOOO!!! (audience laughs)

Kermit: Sam, Mick Jagger is not only one of the world’s most famous musicians, but also one of the world’s most famous people in general!
Sam: Exactly! It baffles me that that indecent, sneering, lowly ingrate has been famous for so long! I MUST find out how he has done it! (Sam marches off to Mick’s dressing room.)
Kermit: You think that was bad? You should have seen him when Alice Cooper was here. (laughter)
(Camera cuts to Mick’s dressing room. Mick is putting on some eyeliner when Sam the Eagle enters.)
Sam: Mr. Jagger!
Mick: Oh, hello, Sam, how are things going?
Sam: Oh, the show is moving along very nicely. (Mick nods.) The audience is being extremely receptive, and everyone is in good spirits because you are here.
Mick: Oh, that’s wonderful. That is really great!
Sam: Yes, and that is exactly why I am NOT in good spirits!
Mick (confused): What do you mean? You just said that the show has been going well tonight. I don’t see how that could make you unhappy.
Sam: Mr. Jagger, let me be honest with you. (points his finger at Mick) I don’t know how you’ve done it! You have made a career out of being a vulgar, pretentious, unruly, and disgraceful juvenile! You must tell me how you have maintained your questionable popularity for so many years! I just cannot get my mind around it! Tell me, please: HOW did you do it???
Mick (pauses): Well…I did it very carefully, Sam. (laughter from audience)
And it also took a lot of patience, dedication, and a great deal of hard work. (Audience laughs as Mick nonchalantly resumes putting on his makeup.)
Sam: WHAT! (to camera) I ask a sensible question and I get a silly answer. (Sam covers his face with his hand in resignation and exits as Mick grins widely.)
Mick: Well, at least he didn’t see my costume for the final number. (pulls out a garishly glittering, fringed cowboy suit open to the navel, with a matching hat) That REALLY would’ve upset him! (audience laughs)
Muppet Sports:
Louis Kazagger: Hello, sports fans! This is Louis Kazagger, welcoming you to the wild world of Muppet Sports! (As Kazagger announces, several Whatnots compete in the following contest.)
Today, we will watch as Y.D. Longface goes for the world record in the Long-Distance Kitchen-Sink Throwing Competition! But he has some tough competition to face, including I.M. Thurstee, E.Z. Goyne, L.M. Enterey, and A.O. Kaye. They want the record just as badly as he does! And they are ready to start! First up is I.M. Thurstee! Here he goes…he winds up…and he has thrown it 55 meters! An amazing feat indeed, folks! Next is E.Z. Goyne…he is getting a running start…WOW! He has thrown it 78 meters! Fantastic! It’ll be very hard for anyone to top that! Now we’ve got L.M. Enterey, ready to go! And he has just tossed it 60 meters. Hmmm. Not quite enough to top E.Z. Goyne, but it’s enough to get into second place. Now it’s time for A.O. Kaye…and he has thrown HIMSELF into the air along with the kitchen sink! (crash offscreen) Ouch! That was a hard landing. He has only gone 7 meters! But he’s not out of the competition yet, folks, because our final contestant is Y.D. Longface! Here he goes. Oh my, what is this? He has a catapult! (Y.D. Longface releases the catapult, and the kitchen sink soars into the sky.) Oh my heavens! I can’t even see where that landed! Well, it looks like Y.D. Longface has set a new world record in the Long-Distance Kitchen-Sink Throwing Competition! This is a remarkable day indeed, ladies and gentlemen! (Louis gets hit in the head by Y.D.’s flying kitchen sink.) Uhhh…back to you. (falls over as the angry competitors chase Y.D.)
Balcony:
Statler: Well, there goes another saying.
Waldorf: What’s that?
Statler: This show has used everything INCLUDING the kitchen sink!

Waldorf: Yeah, but they’re still as unfunny as ever!
Both: Dooooooooooooh-hohohohohohohohohoho!!!!
Backstage Scene #5:
Kermit (using the intercom): All right, everyone onstage for the closing number with Mick! (As several Muppets head toward the stage, Floyd Pepper approaches Kermit. Floyd is wearing a rather plain cowboy outfit.)
Floyd: Hey there, Kermit, my slippery-skinned superior. I gotta get something off my chest right now.

Kermit: What is it, Floyd?
Floyd: Do I really need to wear these jive threads for the closing number? I can’t sing in this getup, man!
Kermit: Listen, Floyd. It doesn’t matter what you’re wearing. You’re singing one of the Rolling Stones’ most famous songs. You have to give it your best effort. You have to do it justice. (Scooter enters, also in a cowboy outfit.)
Scooter: You have to sing it right, too, ‘cause Mick’s right there!
Floyd: Oh thanks, Scoots. Thanks for adding more butterflies to my stomach. (laughter from audience as Scooter shrugs)
Scooter: Say, where’s Miss Piggy? She’s supposed to be on stage.
Kermit: Oh, Piggy! Piggy?
(Miss Piggy enters in a Southern belle outfit.)
Miss Piggy: Did someone call for moi?
Scooter: Miss Piggy, get on stage! You’re in the closing number.
Floyd: Well, well, well. That didn’t take much on the frog’s behalf.
Kermit: What do you mean?
Floyd: You just did some hog calling! SOOOO-EEE!! SOOOO-EEEEE!!! Hahahahahahahaaaaahh!!!! (audience laughs as Piggy gets enraged)
Miss Piggy: That does it! I’M GONNA BREAK YOU IN HALF, PEPPER! (Miss Piggy begins chasing Floyd around the backstage. Kermit and Scooter watch in fright as Floyd dashes toward the stage, with Piggy hot on his tail.)
Scooter: Hey, chief? I really think you should introduce the closing number now.
Kermit: Yeah, before someone gets hurt. (Kermit starts to leave, but an offscreen Miss Piggy yells “HIIIYAAAHH!” and whacks Floyd, sending him flying right into Kermit and Scooter. Everyone rises in a daze.)
Floyd (rising): I think it’s an ounce too late for that, Kermit. (audience laughs)
Closing Number:

Kermit: Ladies and gentlemen, once again, the fantastic Mick Jagger! (audience erupts into cheers as the curtain opens)
A countrified (but still flamboyant) Mick is on a ranch surrounded by Muppet horses. As Mick sings “Wild Horses,” Gonzo and Miss Piggy also make appearances, as a rancher and a Southern belle respectively. Floyd, Animal, and Janice sing and play their instruments, along with a silent Whatnot slide guitar player (modeled after Bobby Benson). Huge round of applause at the end.
Curtain Call:
Kermit: Well, it’s been another show. Well, what else could it have been?
Statler: I’ll tell you what! It was a good nap for us! (Waldorf and Statler laugh.)
Kermit: Sheesh. But before you all leave, let’s take some time to thank our very special guest, the incredible Mick Jagger! YAAAAAAYYYYY!!! (audience bursts into applause and cheers as Mick enters in a red blazer and tight white pants) Hey, thanks for doing the show, Mick.
Mick: Kermit, thank you for letting me be here. This is the most fun I’ve had in a while. I just wish my band had been here to share this experience with me.
(Scooter enters.)
Scooter: Oh, don’t worry about that, Mick! I brought them here.

Mick (excitedly): You did?
Scooter: Yep! (calling offstage) Hey, guys! Come on in! (The four huge rolling stones from the cold open rumble onto the stage, scaring Mick and Kermit out of their minds.)
Kermit: Scooter! (Kermit dodges one of the stones) Uh, we’ll see you next time on the Muppet Show…that is, if we aren’t crushed by giant rocks! (As the closing theme plays, the stones begin rolling after Mick, Kermit, Scooter, Fozzie, Annie Sue, Dr. Strangepork, Beauregard, and some penguins, who are all frantically running and calling for help.)
Balcony:
Waldorf: So what do you think of rock and roll? (camera pans out to show Statler carrying a huge boulder)
Statler (straining against the weight of the boulder): Uggghh…it’s too heavy for me. (Then the balcony breaks and Statler falls through with a loud crash.)
Da-da-da-da-da-DA! BLAAAATT!!! (Zoot’s flat note.)


THE END


The Muppets:
Frank Oz as Miss Piggy, Fozzie, Sam the Eagle, Animal, Whatnot Army Commander, and Others
Jerry Nelson as Floyd, Dr. Strangepork, Lew Zealand, Pops, Louis Kazagger, Beethoven Bust, the Announcer, and Others

Richard Hunt as Scooter, Statler, Janice, Candy Man Whatnot, and Others
Dave Goelz as Gonzo, Zoot, Beauregard, and Others

Louise Gold as Annie Sue, “Gimme Shelter” Whatnot Singer, and Others
Steve Whitmire as Male Pig Crew Member, Lips, and Others
Kathy Mullen as Gaffer the Cat and Others

And

Jim Henson as Kermit, Dr. Teeth, Link Hogthrob, the Newsman, Waldorf, and Others


Thanks for reading!

 
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