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TMS Script - Lily Tomlin!

Gorgon Heap

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Starting from a desire to incorporate a Muppet musical number that never made it to "The Muppet Show" into one of my fan fictions, continuing with writing another "Muppet Show" outline with a female guest star since too many of mine have male guest stars, and concluding with my writing full sketches for the guest star in question, to the point that I challenged myself to write an entire script, I submit for your approval:

"It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star Miss Lily Tomlin!"



SPECIAL GUEST STAR: LILY TOMLIN

STYLE: EARLY SEASON ONE (circa Ruth Buzzi, Harvey Korman episodes)

OPENING THEME:
FOZZIE: "I wouldn't say that Mildred is too prim and proper, but she's the only person I know who knits a doily to put under the wastebasket."
LILY TOMLIN: A close-up of Lily pans left to reveal Gorgon Heap. She kisses him on the nose as they cuddle up.
GONZO: knocks the 'O' out of the sign

CURTAIN: Kermit enters.

Kermit: “Welcome! Welcome to The Muppet Show! Hey, tonight you’re in for an evening of song, comedy, and our very special guest star, the incomparable Miss Lily Tomlin! Truly, everything you could ask for but a three-ring circus with elephants! Of course, if you ain’t got elephants, you can never, ever carry it off. But right now, let’s kick things off with our own Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem!”

OPENING NUMBER: “Your Mama Won’t Like Me” – Dr. Teeth & the Electric Mayhem

Dr. Teeth: “I wear my shades too dark
And a weird chapeau.
I get stared at wherever I go.
I wear my jeans too tight,
And I stay out all night.
And when you turn me on,
You’ll see how I can bite.
And now my --


Band: “Ah”

Dr. Teeth: “-- preoccupation is making love,
AH!


Band: “AH!

Dr. Teeth: “AH!

Band: “AH!

Dr. Teeth: “AH!

Band: “AH!

Dr. Teeth: “I got a--

Band: “AH!

Dr. Teeth: “-- bad reputation through playing it rough.
I –-
"

Band: “Ah

Dr. Teeth: “-- like your stimulation, but
That ain’t enough.
So, don’t –-
"

All: “-- take me home, baby –-"

Dr. Teeth: “Na na na na na
‘Cause your mama won’t --


All: “Like me!

Band: “Your mama won’t like me.”

Dr. Teeth: “So, don’t --”

All: “-- take me home, honey, now –-"

Dr. Teeth: “Na na na na na na

All: “-- ‘Cause your mama won’t like me!

Band: “Your mama won’t like me.”

(Dr. Teeth whoops during the instrumental fill.)

Dr. Teeth: “Just put me --

Band: “Ah”

Dr. Teeth: “-- in a situation where I’m turning you on,
AH!


Band: “AH!

Dr. Teeth: “AH!

Band: “AH!

Dr. Teeth: “AH!

Band: “AH!

Dr. Teeth: “I’ll be the --

Band: “AH!

Dr. Teeth: “-- devil’s recreation, and before too long,
You could –-
"

Band: “Ah

Dr. Teeth: “-- feel the sensation that’s
Oh, so strong.
So, don’t –-
"

All: “-- take me home, baby –-"

Dr. Teeth: “Na na na na na na

All: “‘Cause your mama won’t like me!

Band: “Your mama won’t like me.”

Dr. Teeth: “So, don’t --”

All: “-- take me home, honey, now –-"

Dr. Teeth: “Na na na na na na

All: “-- ‘Cause your mama won’t like me!

Band: “Your mama won’t like me.”

(Dr. Teeth whoops and hollers during the instrumental bridge.)

Dr. Teeth: “So, don’t --”

All: “-- take me home, baby –-"

Dr. Teeth: “Na na na na na na

All: “‘Cause your mama won’t like me!

Band: “Your mama won’t like me.”

Dr. Teeth: “So, don’t --”

All: “-- take me home, honey, now –-"

Dr. Teeth: “Na na na na na na

All: “-- ‘Cause your mama won’t like me!

Band: “Your mama won’t like me.”

Dr. Teeth (softer, an octave lower): “Your mama won’t like me.

Band: “-- ‘Cause your mama won’t like me.”

Dr. Teeth (an octave higher, at the top of his lungs):
YOUR MAMA WON’T LIKE ME! WHOO!”

(They riff into the ending with a flourish. APPLAUSE.)

Statler: "My mother loved rock and roll records!"

(Waldorf does a take.)

Waldorf: "Really?!"

Statler: "Yeah, for target practice!"

(They laugh.)

BACKSTAGE: The Electric Mayhem returns from the stage.

Kermit (to the band): "Nice going! Way to go! My mother would've loved that."
(aside, to camera)
"With her hearing aids out, anyway."

(Gonzo approaches.)

Gonzo: “Hey Kermit, I’ve got a new act to audition for you.”

Kermit: “Do tell.”

Gonzo: “I play the William Tell Overture on the xylophone while balancing a bowl of raspberry gelatin on my head.”

(He exits the frame and returns with a bowl on his head and a xylophone in tow.)

Kermit: “Uh, Gonzo --”

(Hilda enters, carrying a dress, behind Gonzo.)

Hilda: “Oh, Kermit! I finished Miss Piggy’s new dress for the closing number. Does it look all right?”

(Gonzo starts to play the xylophone. Kermit tries to look around him.)

Kermit: “Oh! It looks, uh... It’s... Gonzo, do you have to do that right here and now?”

(Gonzo can’t hear him.)

Kermit: “Gonzo! GONZO!”

(Startled, Gonzo jumps, the bowl falling off his head in Hilda’s direction. She holds up the dress, which now has a big red stain on the skirt.)

Hilda: "Gonzo, you nitwit! This is Miss Piggy's new dress! When she finds out, she'll hit the ceiling!"

Kermit: "Never mind the ceiling, she'll hit us. Hilda, you take this down to the laundry and try to get the stain out. If I see Miss Piggy, I'll cover for you."

Gonzo: "What should I do?"

Kermit: "... Pray."

(Gonzo shrugs. He clasps his hands and bows his head.)

Gonzo: "Now I lay me down to sleep --"

Kermit: "WILL YOU GET OUT OF HERE?!"

(Startled, Gonzo runs off. Kermit turns to the camera and sighs.)

SWEDISH CHEF: The Swedish Chef sings his theme song.

Chef: (announces he’s making an “oomlette”)

(Chef tries to make eggs but for some reason they won’t break. He scratches his head.)

Chef: (ponders in confusion)

(Chef tries breaking an egg against the side of the pan but the pan breaks instead.)

Chef: (what the hey?)

(Chef finally gets out a mallet to smash the egg. He winds up.)

Chef: (yells at the egg)

(Chef lowers the mallet to smash the egg, but it bounces back and hits him in the head.)

Chef: (woozily groans)

(Chef falls unconscious to the ground.)

TALKING HOUSES: (Theme music plays, camera shifts to left two houses.)

House #2: "My daughter the theater just broke things off with the nice young bank she was seeing."

House #1: "Oh, sorry to hear it! How come?"

House #2: "She couldn't see herself giving up her career to settle down and raise apartments."

(Theme music plays again, out to full shot, houses close their eyes.)

CURTAIN: Kermit enters in a tuxedo.

Kermit: “Ladies and gentlemen, we’re happy now, truly to present one of the funniest ladies in the business and one of the nicest, and here she is with one of her ever-popular but not-so-nice characters, Ernestine, the telephone operator!”

SKETCH: Lily plays Ernestine, taking (split screen) calls from Muppets. She dials out.

Ernestine: “One ringy dingy... Two ringy dingies...”

(Sweetums appears in split screen.)

Ernestine: “Hello? Is this the party to whom I am speaking?”

Sweetums: “Yeah, Sweetums!”

Ernestine: “Now, just a moment! I don’t respond to pet names.”

Sweetums: “Sweetums not have pet!”

Ernestine: “That’s really your name, Sweetums? What were your parents’ names, Snookums and Bunny Wumpus?”

(She chortles to herself.)

Sweetums: “Sweetums get cut off making important long-distance call!”

Ernestine: “Of course. Please insert 25 cents and I’ll connect you.”

Sweetums: “Huh?! Sweetums already insert 25 cents! Spent six minutes on HOLD!”

Ernestine: “Well, I’ve got only one thing to say.”

Sweetums: “What’s that?”

Ernestine: “Please hold! Snort!”

Sweetums: “Hey! Sweetums come down there! Nice lady can’t --”

(He gets cut off as Ernestine places him on hold. She dials out.)

Ernestine: “A gracious hello. Is this the party to whom I am speaking?”

(Animal appears in split screen.)

Animal: “WO-MAN!”

Ernestine: “Is this Mr. Emmental?”

Animal: “A-NI-MAL!”

Ernestine: “Mr. Emmental, it’s about those obscene phone calls. We’ve been getting some complaints.”

Animal: “... wha?”

Ernestine: “Oh, yes: calling up respectable young ladies, not unlike myself, to leer, ogle, pant, and otherwise harass.”

Animal: “WO-MAN! WANT WOMAN!”

Ernestine: “You see? That’s just what I mean. Now, if you can’t cut this out... I’ll have to give you my home phone number! Snort!”

Animal: “WO-MAN! WO-MAN!”

Ernestine: “I get off work in two hours, so why don’t you cool your jets for a while, call me then, and we’ll arrange to meet?”

Animal: “AH! EAT!”

(Animal starts gnawing on the receiver.)

Ernestine: “No, not EAT! MEET! Hello? Hello?!”

(Ernestine switches the headset input.)

Ernestine: “Hello, Phoenicia? If that last party calls back, patch him through and feel free to interrupt... no, nothing serious... yeah, that's it: short on brains but a real animal!”

(She dials out.)

Ernestine: “Oh, half a ringy dingy. I just love those. A gracious hello, is this the party to whom I am speaking?”

(Fozzie appears in split screen.)

Fozzie: “Uh, yeah, well I guess so.”

Ernestine: “Is this Fonzie? The Fonz?”

Fozzie: “Uh, this is Fozzie. The bear.”

Ernestine (disappointed): “Oh."

Fozzie: “Listen, I’m glad you called. I was just about to ask for an operator. Could you connect me with Dial-a-Joke?”

Ernestine: “Okay, but first, I’ve got a joke for you.”

Fozzie: “You do? Oh, terrific! Let’s hear it. Oh, I love a good joke!”

Ernestine: “Okay, here goes: How do you keep a simpleton in suspense?”

Fozzie: “I don’t know, how do you keep a simpleton in suspense?”

Ernestine: “Please hold, I’ll be right back.”

(She chortles to herself as she puts Fozzie on hold. She stops, hearing a noise, followed by some sort of commotion.)

Ernestine: “Hey! What’s going on out there? I warn you, if there’s any hoopla, brouhaha, wingding, or hootenanny going on out there... I had better be invited.”

(Sweetums bursts through the wall.)

Ernestine: “Just who are you and what are you doing here?!”

Sweetums: “Sweetums here to file complaint! Sweetums lose important long-distance call!”

Ernestine (aside): “Sweetums could use a breath mint.”
(to his face)
“You know, you could’ve at least bathed before you came down here.”

Sweetums: “Huh?!”

Ernestine: “You furry Neanderthal! How did you get past security?”

Sweetums: “Sweetums sat on security!”

(Ernestine recoils. Sweetums looks her over.)

Ernestine: “Uh, say, do me a favor, would you, big boy?

Sweetums: “What do for nice lady?”

(Ernestine unplugs a switch.)

Ernestine: “Just hold this for a moment.”

(He takes it.)

Sweetums: “What nice lady want Sweetums to hold this for?”

(She flips a switch. Sweetums recoils is shock as electricity buzzes and crackles. Smoke rises from his person.)

Sweetums: “Wow! That my kinda woman!”

(He reaches for her.)

Ernestine: “Wait a minute! I just gave you enough volts to put down a buffalo!”

Sweetums: “Nice lady want to put down a buffalo, nice lady should GET a buffalo!”

(Sweetums picks up Ernestine and carries her off.)

(AUDIENCE SHOT)

PANEL DISCUSSION: Panel discussion theme plays. From screen left to screen right are seated the Guru, Piggy, Kermit, Lily Tomlin as Mrs. Earbore (The Tasteful Lady), and Sam the Eagle.

Kermit: “Time once again, friends, to RAISE the intellectual level of the program as our panel discusses questions of lasting importance. And our special guest panelist is Ms. Vera Earbore.”

Earbore: “Thank you, Mr. the Frog. That was a very tasteful introduction.”

Kermit: “You’re very welcome. And our topic for discussion tonight, “Is the occult a corrupting influence on our youth?” What do you think, Ms. Earbore?”

Earbore: “Mr. the Frog, I must protest. That topic is not tasteful.”

Sam: “I fully agree. It is both frivolous and subversive.”

Earbore: “Oh, you're so right.”

Sam: “Thank you.”

Earbore: “We should therefore dispense with it immediately. We would be doing a grave disservice to our viewing audience by dignifying such superstitious nonsense as palmistry, phrenology, astrology, and numerology.”

Guru: “Excuse me, but I believe you left out pizzology.”

Kermit: “Pizzology? What’s that?”

Guru: “Only the ancient art of predicting the future by reading the distribution of mushrooms on a pizza.”

Earbore: “My dear fellow, there’s no such thing as ‘pizzology’.”

Guru: “Oh, I beg to differ! In my home country, I made my living for many years as a preeminent pizzologist.”

Earbore: “Really?”

Guru: “Well, that and as a pizza cook. People came from miles around for my famous pork belly pizza!”

Piggy: “That’s disgusting! How can you say that in front of a pig!”

Kermit: “Uh, we are digressing, friends. We are digressing.”

Piggy: “Well, I’m into astrology.”
(to Kermit)
“Perhaps you’d like to know my LOVE SIGN?”

Kermit: “GULP!”

Earbore: “I’m sorry, Mr. the Frog, but such a topic is beneath someone as tasteful as myself. I have no intention of lowering myself to casting my pearls before swine.”

Piggy: “WHAT?! How dare you!”

Guru (to Earbore): “Careful, or she’ll put a hex on you.”

Piggy: “I thought only witches could place hexes.”

Guru: “Well..."

Earbore: “Might I suggest a more tasteful topic, such as appropriate hostess gifts for a debutante ball?”

Sam: “Where have you BEEN all my life?”

Earbore: “PLEASE, Mr. Eggles!”

Sam: “-- Eagle.”

Earbore: “Eagle. That remark was flirtatious, lascivious, and not tasteful.”

Sam: “Oh! Forgive me! I just --”

Earbore: “However, I will allow you to try again.”

Sam: “Oh! Uh... Ms. Earbore, I'm enchanted by your company. Would you care to join me on the veranda for a cup of tea and a spirited discussion of the presidency of Millard Fillmore?”

Earbore: “Now THAT was a tasteful pick-up line. I'd be most pleased to join you.”

Guru: “I also cater tea parties. Would you like a pizza with BACON to go with that?”

Piggy: “Yuck! How would you like this pig’s feet to kick you in the shins?”

(Everyone is talking at once.)

Kermit: “Well, the question was "Is occult phenomena a corrupting influence on our youth?", and I don't think it is, but it's definitely been a weird influence on the adults in this conversation. Join us next week when our topic will be: "What is the meaning of life?”

Guru: “Simple: pineapple and HAM on a pizza!”

Piggy: “Why, you!”

(Piggy chases the Guru back and forth as the panel theme plays.)

Statler: "Hmmph! Occult phenomena! Just a lot of hogwash, if you ask me."

Waldorf: "Oh, I don't know. My mother was an amateur fortune teller and medium."

Statler: "I've met your mother: she was an extra-large if I ever saw one!"

(Waldorf does a double take, and grimaces. Statler relents.)

Statler: “I’m sorry. She was a wonderful woman.”

Waldorf: “You certainly ate enough of her homemade oatmeal cookies to know.”

(Statler does a double take.)

BACKSTAGE: Piggy approaches Kermit at his desk.

Piggy: “Kermit, have you seen Hilda? It’s about my new dress.”

(Hilda enters, holding the dress and not looking up. Kermit tries to get her attention.)

Kermit: “Oh, I, uh...”
(shouting)
“NO, MISS PIGGY, I HAVEN’T SEEN HILDA!”

(Hilda hides the dress behind her back and tries to sneak away quietly.)

Piggy: “Why are you shouting?”

Kermit: “Oh, uh, just trying to be heard over the noise! The carpenters are building the set, you know!”

Piggy: “I don’t hear any carpenters. I don’t see them, either.”

(Piggy turns and sees Hilda.)

Piggy: “Hilda!”

Hilda: “Oh! Yes, Miss Piggy?”

Piggy: “I’m wearing that new dress in the closing number and I still haven’t had my last fitting. Where is it?”

Kermit: “Well, uh, it’s being, uh --”

Kermit (at the same time): “Washed.”

Hilda (at the same time): “Ironed.”

Kermit: “Washed and then ironed.”

Piggy: “It’s still in the wash?!”

Kermit: “Oh no, it’s in the dryer --”

Hilda: “-- and it’s almost done --”

Kermit: “-- and then it needs to be ironed.”

Hilda: “Yes.”

Piggy: “Well, will it be ready in time?”

Hilda (at the same time): “Absolutely.”

Kermit (at the same time): “I dearly hope so.”

Piggy: “... All right. I’ll check back after the next sketch.”

(Piggy exits. Kermit and Hilda breathe a sigh of relief.)

Kermit: “Well, we got through that all right.”

Hilda: “Yes, with you covering for me, I might as well change my name to Dirt.”

Kermit: “You mean ‘mud’?”

Hilda (aside, sarcastic): “Wonderful. At my age, I’m being corrected by a frog.”

(Hilda exits in a huff. Kermit grimaces.)

AT THE DANCE: open on a shot of George & Mildred. Wayne & Wanda dance in the background.

Mildred: "George, do you do much cooking?"

George: "Oh, sure! I was a mess cook in the army."

Mildred: "Really? What can you make?"

George: "A mess."

(Mildred does a take to the camera. Cut to new shot of Piggy and proto Strangepork male pig.)

Piggy: "I hear you and your brothers disbanded your barbershop quartet."

Male Pig: "Yeah. We had a bad experience with an agent who wanted to change our image."

Piggy: "To what?"

Male Pig: "A butcher shop quartet."

Piggy: "Eughh."

(New shot, Guru and chorus girl)

Guru: "I know we said no secrets, so I think I should tell you I have a daughter about your age."

Chorus Girl: "Oh? What does she do?"

Guru: "Disapprove, mostly."

(New shot, Zoot and Janice, the latter in chorus girl garb & brown curly wig)

Chorus Girl Janice: "You don't look well. What's the matter?"

Zoot: "Oh, I HATE IT when food disagrees with me."

(A banana walks up.)

Banana: "I've thought about it, and I STILL say you should invest in a toupee."

(The banana exits as Zoot frowns.)

Zoot (to Janice): "See what I mean?"

(New shot of Nigel dancing with Zelda Rose)

Nigel: “The fact of the matter must be obvious to you by now. It’s as plain as the nose on your face.”

(Beautiful Day monster enters, swipes Zelda’s nose with a popping sound, and hurries back the way he came.)

Zelda: “... Not anymore.”

(Coda, end scene.)

SKETCH: Edith Ann sits in her oversized chair.

Edith Ann: “Sometimes when I’m alone, I play games in my imagination. Today, I pretended to be an astronaut, and I was going to be the first person on the planet Koozebane. I went up in my rocket ship but just before I was going to land, there was a knock at the door. I wondered who could be knocking on the door of a rocket ship, so I opened it and there was a Koozebanian there, and he told me that I had to pay the toll, but I didn't bring any money with me, so I had to go back home and get a dime. So now I’m back home and I asked my mother for a dime so I can keep being an astronaut. I said it was very good for my career if I were the first girl on the planet Koozebane. And I got it.”

(She holds up the dime and the male Koozebanian comes along and eats it, nodding permission to pass.)

Edith Ann: “The Koozebanians and I became friends very fast. In no time at all, I had them eating out of my hands.”

(LAUGHTER. FADE OUT.)

UK SPOT: “You Don’t Mess Around with Jim” – The Country Trio (in front of a light purple lit background)

Jim: “Well, uptown got it's hustlers.
The bowery got it's bums
--”

Jerry: “42nd street got big Jim walker,
He's a pool shootin' son of a gun
.”

Jim: “Oh yeah, he big and dumb as a man can come,
But he stronger than a country hoss
--”

Jerry: “And when the bad folks all get together at night,
You know they all call big Jim boss
--”

Jim: “-- just because.
They say you don't
--”

Jim & Jerry: “-- tug on superman's cape,
You don't spit into the wind,
You don't pull the mask off that old lone ranger,
And you don't mess around with Jim
.”

Frank: “Dong gee dong dong
Dong gee dong gee dong dong
Dong gee dong gee dong dong
Dong gee dong gee dong dong
Dong oh doom doom”


Jim & Jerry: “Well, outta south Alabama came a country boy.
He said
--”

Frank: “I'm lookin' for a man named Jim.
I am a pool shootin' boy,
My name is Willie McCoy,
But down home they call me slim
.”

Jim & Jerry: “Yeah, I'm lookin' for the king of 42nd street
He’s drivin' a drop top Cadillac
.”

Frank: “Last week he took all my money,
And it may sound funny,
But I come to get my money back
.”

Jim: “And everybody --”

All: “-- say Jack --

Jim & Jerry: “-- don't you know
That you don't tug on superman's cape,
You don't spit into the wind,
You don't pull the mask off that old lone ranger,
And you don't mess around with Jim.


Frank: “Dong gee dong dong
Dong gee dong gee dong dong
Dong gee dong dong
Dong gee dong gee dong dong
Dong gee dong dong
Dong gee dong gee dong dong


(Jim & Jerry exchange glances as Frank loses the point.)

Frank: “Dong gee dong dong
Dong gee dong gee dong dong
Dong gee dong dong
Dong gee dong gee dong dong


(Jim whaps Frank in the face with the peghead of the banjo, scrunching Frank’s face up in the process.)

Jim & Jerry: “You don’t tug on superman’s cape --”

Frank: “Sorry!”

Jim & Jerry: “You don't spit into the wind --”

Frank: “Right on!”

Jim & Jerry: “You don't pull the mask off that old lone ranger,
And you don't
--”

All (slowing to the end): “-- mess around with Jim.

(They play the ending notes. APPLAUSE.)

Statler: "More!"

Waldorf: "No!"

Statler: "More!"

Waldorf: "No!"

Statler: “M--“

Waldorf: "Hey. This doesn't sound right."

(Beat)

Waldorf: "No --"

Statler: "More!"

Waldorf: "No --"

Statler: "More!"

(S & W laugh.)

TALK SPOT: Kermit flirts with Lily.

Kermit: “Well, here we are, Lily: alone at last.”

(Lily chuckles.)

Lily: “It’s nice to be here with you, Kermit.”

Kermit: “You know, Lily, you really do something to me.”

(She laughs.)

Kermit: “No, I mean it! You really knock me out!”

Lily: “That’s sweet of you to say, Kermit. Thank you.”

Kermit: “I, uh, don’t suppose you’d be interested in, uh, joining me for a late supper after the show, would you?”

Lily: “I’m flattered that you offered, Kermit, and I do like you very much. It’s just that I’m concerned about the effect it would have on my career to be romantically linked to an amphibian.”

Kermit: “Well, you know what they say: if you kiss a frog, he’s liable to turn him into a handsome prince.”

Lily: “Oh, I never cared much for handsome princes… but I have always had a yen for frogs… especially you, Kermit.”

Kermit: “For me?”

Lily: “Yeah.”

Kermit: “Well, then, uh… how about a little kiss?”

Lily: “… all right.”

(She leans in to kiss him but stops herself.)

Lily: “I can’t. I just can’t do this.”

Kermit: “Wait! What happened to having a yen for frogs, especially this one?”

Lily: “Oh no, it’s not that! I find you very attractive, Kermit. And it’s not because I’m afraid of turning you into a prince, either.”

Kermit: “Well, what then?”

Lily: “It’s just that I know the Muppets, I’ve been a Muppet fan for a long time now, and if I kiss you, I’M the one who’ll transform --”

Kermit: “Oh, no, no, no!”

Lily: “Yes. Yes! I’ll turn into a frog, or a monster, or get shrunk down to a Muppet version of myself.”

Kermit: “Oh, no, that won’t happen. See that’s just a gag when you see that on TV.”

Lily: “Oh, I see. It’s all planned that way, just for show?”

Kermit: “Right, right.”

Lily: “Well, okay then. Here goes.”

(She kisses him passionately… and explodes.)

Kermit: “Gee!”

(He looks from side to side.)

Kermit: “I knew I was sexy, but sometimes I don’t know my own strength!”

(Kermit looks behind the wall, down at the floor, and up at the rafters trying to find where Lily disappeared to.)

Statler: "If I were a prince, I could go for Lily Tomlin."

Waldorf: "If YOU were a Prince, there'd be a doghouse with your name on it."

(Statler does a double take.)

BACKSTAGE: Kermit taps his desk nervously. Hilda enters behind him, unnoticed.

Hilda: “Kermit!”

Kermit: “ACK! Hilda, don’t sneak up on me like that.”

Hilda: “Oh, sorry.”

Kermit: “Were you able to get the spot out?”

Hilda: “No. I tried and I tried...”

Kermit: “This is terrible! We’re already halfway to the closing number!”

Hilda: “I know, I know.”

Kermit: “What are we gonna do?”

Hilda: “Don’t panic. I have a plan B. You just stall Miss Piggy for me, okey the dokey?”

(Hilda exits.)

Kermit: “Stall?! What am I supposed to do, lay on some idle flattery?”

(Piggy enters behind him. Kermit doesn’t notice.)

Kermit: “Talk about putting lipstick on a pig.”

Piggy: “Ahem!”

(Kermit turns around, startled.)

Kermit: “Oh! Oh, hi, Piggy my dear. You’re looking especially, uh, nice today.”

Piggy: “Never mind the idle flattery, frog! I’m looking for Hilda. You both promised my dress would be ready!”

Kermit: “And indeed it shall. I can personally guarantee you that your dress will be ready in time for the closing number.”

Piggy: “Like I’m going to take a FROG’S word for it. I think you’re keeping something from your lover pig.”

Kermit: “Uh, Piggy --”
(aside)
“-- says the frog, attempting to be firm but fair --”
(to Piggy)
“-- you and I are not lovers.”

Piggy (aside, to camera): “I love it when he plays hard to get.”

Kermit: “In a pig’s eye I’m playing hard to get!”

(She gasps, recoiling.)

Piggy: “Well, get THIS! HI-YAH!”

(She karate chops him, and exits. Kermit staggers to his feet.)

CURTAIN: Kermit enters.

Kermit: “And now, here he is, the fastest wit in the slow lane, Mr. Fozzie Bear!”

FOZZIE’S MONOLOGUE: The curtain opens on Fozzie.

Fozzie: “Love you! Yeah! Here I am! Fozzie Bear with laughs to spare! Oh, I can tell you’re a great audience tonight!”

Waldorf: “Yeah, so why torture us with your act?”

(S & W laugh.)

Fozzie: “Ha. Of course, I make exceptions. You’re not a great audience: you two are a couple of great pains!”

Statler: “Well, we take great pains to sit through your act.”

(S & W laugh.)

Fozzie: “Hey, I’m funny enough to be on The Tonight Show!”

Waldorf: “You’re not funny enough to be on Days of Our Lives!”

(S & W laugh.)

Fozzie: “Oh, yeah? You think Johnny Carson is funnier than me?”

Waldorf: “I think Johnny Cash is funnier than you!”

Fozzie: “I should have an award above my mantel!”

Statler: “We should have a bear rug above ours!”

Fozzie: “Why do you guys always pick on me?”

Waldorf: “Well, because it’s the highlight of the show!”

Statler: “That’s right.”

Waldorf: “There’d be no show without you!”

Fozzie: “Really?! Oh, you’re a wonderful audience! Kisses! Ah!”

(He exits.)

Statler: “Did you mean it when you said there’d be no show without him?”

Waldorf: “Sure.”

Statler: “Huh.”

Waldorf: “… There’s not much of a show with him, either.”

(S & W chuckle.)

SKETCH: Edith Ann sits in her oversized chair.

Edith Ann: “I have a friend, who may parents say is imaginary. His name is Gorgon Heap, and he’s a big, shaggy monster with purple fur, big ears, a long orange nose, and large, yellow eyes, only he uses eyedrops to keep them that color, so I don’t know what color they’d be if he didn’t use the eyedrops. Anyway, yesterday my mom baked a cherry cake but Gorgon took one look at it and he ate it. My mom turned around and asked me who ate the cake, and I said “It was Gorgon Heap who ate your cake, Mom”, but she didn't believe me, so I got sent to bed without any supper. Then this morning at kindergarten, I saw my arch nemesis, Margaret Merriweather from down the street, steal my pencil case, even though she said she didn’t, and that made me real mad. When I got home, I went to Gorgon Heap and I said, “since you got me in trouble yesterday, you can make it up to me by going down the street to Margaret Merriweather’s house and making her give back my pencil case that she stole; otherwise, you’ll gobble her up! That was an hour ago and I’m wondering how he’s doing.”

(Gorgon Heap returns, reaches into his mouth and hands her the pencil case. Then Margaret sticks her head out of his mouth.)

Margaret: "LET ME OUTTA HERE!"

Edith Ann: “And that’s the truth.”

(She blows a raspberry.)

MUPPET NEWS: The news desk is empty.

Newsman (O.C.)” Here’s a Muppet Newsflash!”

(The Newsman rushes in.)

Newsman: “Dateline: Rochester, New York. Mrs. Winifred Cadwallader, a housewife from Rochester, stunned the scientific community by developing a motor vehicle engine that runs on cheese. Mrs. Cadwallader is calling the revolutionary new engine the Fondu Mark 1. While the engine attains maximum performance with naturally aged cheeses, Mrs. Cadwallader claims that it will run just fine on slices of processed American. Unfortunately, a gala presentation unveiling the Fondu Mark 1 had to be postponed when the caterer siphoned the gruyere out of Mrs. Cadwallader's tank for the Monte Cristo sandwiches."

CURTAIN: Sam addresses the audience.

SAM: “As all decent, morally upright citizens agree, Wayne and Wanda are the only act on this show suitable for family viewing. So, sit the kiddies down for the very tasteful, the very cultural Wayne and Wanda!”

WAYNE & WANDA: “Gone with the Wind” – Wayne postures as the music swells.

Wayne: “Gone with the wind --”

(The wind blows furiously.)

Wayne: “-- Just like a leaf that has blown away.
Gone with the wind --”


(The wind blows away Wanda’s hair, to Wayne’s shock.)

Wayne: “-- My romance has flown away!”

(Wanda blows away. Wayne struggles to hold his ground.)

Wayne: “Yesterday -- AY!”

(Wayne blows away.)

BACKSTAGE: Piggy frantically searches.

Piggy: “Hilda! Kermit! Where are you? It’s time for the closing number and I still don’t have my dress!”

(Hilda enters behind Piggy. She sighs, preparing to face the music. Piggy turns and sees her.)

Piggy: “Hilda! Will you please tell me what’s going on with my dress?”

Hilda: “Oh, Miss Piggy, I am so sorry. That idiot Gonzo spilled jam on your dress, and I couldn’t get the stain out. I had to sew a thick stripe over the skirt to cover it up.”

(She holds up the dress. Piggy shakes.)

Hilda: “Oh, please don’t be angry, Miss Piggy! I did my best!”

Piggy: “Angry? Why it’s BEAUTIFUL!”

Hilda: “You think so? I ran out of the original color so I went with a contrasting one.”

Piggy: “I know, and it’s so BOLD! So unique! So... moi. Oh, what a wonderful job, Hilda dear.”

(She gives Hilda a kiss on the cheek. Hilda is a little embarrassed.)

Hilda: “Oh, why, thank you Miss Piggy.”

(Hilda turns to exit.)

Piggy: “Wait! Where are you going? You’re in this number too, you know.”

Hilda: “I am?”

Piggy: “Of course! This one’s for all us girls.”

Hilda: “Oh! Well, I thank you, Miss Piggy. I would have expected you to “hog the spotlight”.”

(Hilda chuckles. Piggy reacts.)

Piggy: “HOG THE SPOTLIGHT? WHY YOU --”

(She chases Hilda off screen left. Kermit enters from the stage. Piggy chases Hilda in Kermit’s direction.)

Kermit: “Hey, you’ve gotta get on stage for -- OOF!”

(They run him over. He staggers to his feet.)

Kermit (aside, to camera): “Uh, thank goodness this was resolved a minimum of violence. Sigh!”

(He faints.)

CLOSING NUMBER: “I Am Woman” – Lily & Piggy duet, accompanied by Janice on guitar, Mildred on piano, Trumpet Lady, Sexy Muppet on saxophone, and Mary Louise on drums, with additional background vocals by Hilda, Wanda, Green Scoff, and a chicken.

Lily: “I am woman, hear me roar
In numbers too big to ignore,
And I know too much to go back and pretend
--”

Piggy: “-- 'Cause I've heard it all before,
And I've been down there on the floor,
And no one's ever gonna keep me down again
.”

All: “Yes, I am wise --”

Lily: “But it's wisdom born of pain.”

All: “Yes, I've paid the price --”

Lily: “But look how much I gained.
If I have to, I can do
--”

All: “—anything.”

Piggy: “I am strong."

Chorus: “Strong

Lily: “I am invincible.

Chorus: “Invincible

Lily: “I am woman.
You can bend but never break me,
'Cause it only serves to make me
More determined to achieve my final goal
.”

Piggy: “And I come back even stronger,
Not a novice any longer
--”

Lily: “-- 'Cause you've deepened the conviction in my soul.
Oh, oh, oh!

All: “Yes, I am wise --”

Piggy: “-- But it's wisdom born of pain.

All: “Yes, I've paid the price --”

Lily: “But look how much I gained
If I have to, I can do
--”

All: “—anything.”

Lily: “I am strong.

Chorus: “Strong

Piggy: “I am invincible.

Chorus: “Invincible

Lily & Piggy: “I am woman.

Lily: “I am woman, watch me grow.
See me standing toe to toe,
As I spread my lovin' arms across the land.
But I'm still an embryo,
With a long, long way to go
--”

Piggy: “-- Until I make my brother understand."
(spoken)
“Especially that frog!”

Lily: “Oh!

All: “-- yes, I am wise --”

Piggy: “-- But it's wisdom born of pain.

All: “Yes, I've paid the price --”

Piggy: “But look how much moi’s gained.
If I have to, I can face anything!

Lily & Piggy: “We are strong.

Chorus: “Strong

Lily & Piggy: “We are invincible.”

Chorus: “Invincible

Piggy: “I am woman!

Lily: “I am woman!

All: “I am woman.

(APPLAUSE. FADE OUT.)

(FADE IN.)

CURTAIN: A tuxedo-clad Kermit greets Lily.

Kermit: “Hey Lily, I just want to thank you for being on our show tonight.”

Lily: “Thank you, Kermit. It was my pleasure. And I want to thank Miss Piggy and all my new friends from the closing number.”

(Piggy, Hilda, Janice, Wanda, and Green Scoff enter.)

Lily: “By the way, Kermit, I think you should give these girls a bigger feature in the show.”

Kermit: “Yeah? Well, maybe you’re right.”

Lily: “After all, this place is kind of a boys’ club.”

(Kermit recoils in shock.)

Kermit: “What?!”

Piggy: “Yeah, and for that matter, how come I’ve never seen maternity leave in our contracts?”

Hilda: “And what about our health insurance?”

Green Scoff: “And those skimpy chorus girl outfits?”

Kermit: “But you don’t even --”

(They all start talking at once, ganging up on Kermit.)

Kermit: “Uh, we’ll see you next time on The Muppet Show!”

(Kermit tries to stop the cacophony of voices, unsuccessfully. Fozzie enters, oblivious, and quickly retreats.)

Statler: "Do you think this show is effective at boosting morale?"

Waldorf: "Only when it ends."



Comments encouraged.

David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
 
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