TMS outline - Peter Falk!

[Gorgon Heap]

SPECIAL GUEST STAR: PETER FALK

STYLE: MID-LATE SEASON ONE (circa Ben Vereen, Phyllis Diller episodes)

OPENING THEME:
FOZZIE: “Two bear hunters from Czechoslovakia and Poland were eaten by a mama bear and a papa bear. A forest ranger looked down the bears’ mouths and remarked, “The Czech’s in the male!”
PETER FALK: in the closing # set with the Gogolala Jubilee Jug-Band, chickens
GONZO: The eel grabs Gonzo’s mallet and drags him down, where we hear the sounds of water.

OPENING NUMBER: “Bus Stop” - Scooter, with backup from the Two-Headed singer, serenades a girl on a city street

Statler: "Say Waldorf, how do you keep a fool in suspense?"

Waldorf: "I don't know, how do you keep a fool in suspense?"

Statler: "I'll tell you later! HA HA HA! Tell you later! Ha ha ha!"

(Waldorf smacks Statler's face, scrunching it up.)

BACKSTAGE: Scooter & Whatnot Girl return from the stage.

Whatnot Girl: “You were really cute in that number.”

Scooter: “Gee, thanks! Say, if you’re not doing anything after the show --”

Whatnot Girl (not hearing him): “You remind me of my little nephew.”

(She exits. Scooter slumps away, dejected.)

Kermit: “Sorry, Scooter. You might stick with your own age group.”

(Mildred interrupts Kermit to tell him that Peter Falk has invited the Muppets to a formal dinner party this weekend. She’s afraid the Muppets will disgrace themselves, so she volunteers to teach them proper etiquette.)

SKETCH: Peter and a gang of monsters, all carrying instrument cases, meet secretly in a garage to go over plans: where & when to meet, synchronizing watches, excited that they’ll make “a bundle”. Peter tells them that they’re going to practice it just like they planned, so there’ll be no mistakes. They open their cases, revealing they're actually a string quartet!

Statler: “Why did they have to meet in secret like they were committing a crime?”

Waldorf: “I’m not surprised -- MOST of the acts on this show are criminal!”

(S & W laugh.)

BACKSTAGE: Mildred practices proper introductions with Kermit, Fozzie, Gonzo, Scooter, Hilda, and George. Kermit, Hilda, and Scooter manage fine, but Fozzie can’t resist segueing from an introduction to a joke, Gonzo can’t resist self-aggrandizing, and George can’t muster interest, a smile, or a polite remark.

MUPPET NEWS: The Newsman enters.

Newsman: "Here is a Muppet Newsflash! Dateline: Los Angeles. Renowned detective Lt. Francisco announced today that he has solved the case of the missing mailman. Here, in his own words, is Lt. Francisco to tell us the details."

(Reveal Peter on the screen as Lt. Francisco.)

Lt. Francisco: “Well the, uh, mail carrier in question was so desperate for a vacation that he attempted to mail himself to a resort hotel in Mexico. But, as so often happens, he made one fatal mistake.”

Newsman: “What mistake was that, Lt. Francisco?”

Lt. Francisco: “Insufficient postage.”

(Lt. Francisco nods. The Newsman does a take, and buries his face in his hand.)

AT THE DANCE:

(Open on George and Mildred.)

George: “I don’t know about you, but I’m voting the same as always in the presidential election: for the incumbent, George Washington.”

Mildred: "Washington's not the president anymore! He's dead!"

George: "Dead?! I didn't even know he was sick!"

(Cut to ‘Sexy Muppet’ -– female Whatnot with long brown hair -- dancing with Sam the Eagle.)

Sexy Muppet: "I'm surprised to see you here, Sam."

Sam: "Oh, well, I've been known to cut a rug."

Sexy Muppet: "I'm certainly glad you did. I prefer BALD eagles."

Sam: "... I'll sit this one out, if you don't mind."

(Cut to Shouting Lady and a blue Whatnot.)

Shouting Lady: “Herman, next week I’m competing in a beauty pageant! Which do you think is best for my talent portion: my singing, or my dancing?”

(He looks askance, not answering.)

Shouting Lady: “WELL?!”

Herman: “Have you considered taking up juggling?”

(Cut to Zoot and Janice.)

Zoot: "The other night, I went to see a Who concert."

Janice: "Oh, I love that band!"

Zoot: "What band? The 'who' in concert turned out to be Milton DeLugg and his orchestra."

(He turns to begin dancing again. Stops.)

Zoot: "Actually, they weren't bad."

(They resume dancing. Cut to red-haired female whatnot dancing with an unseen partner.)

Female Whatnot: "I just don't think our relationship will work. We come from two different worlds."

(Reveal she's dancing with the trumpet nosed Koozebanian.)

Trumpet Nose: "Bit of an understatement, don't you think?"

(Coda. Fade out.)

UK SPOT: “Laughing” – The Electric Mayhem performs while Fozzie interrupts with cheap novelty gags. When they’ve had enough, the EM stops cold to glare at him until he leaves. Fozzie slinks away with his proverbial tail between his legs, and once he’s gone, the band finishes the song.

TALK SPOT: Peter sketches Kermit and Behemoth comes along and eats the sketch, then chases after Kermit.

WAYNE & WANDA: "Spring, Spring, Spring" - they get bounced out of frame by a large spring under their platform.

BACKSTAGE: Mildred tries to teach the Electric Mayhem proper table etiquette, ending with Animal eating his place setting.

BLACKOUT: Thog does his impression of Lt. Columbo: saying “Oh, just one more thing, sir,” and shifting one eye while keeping the other one stationary.

VET’S HOSPITAL: a banana is the patient

BACKSTAGE: Mildred laments to Kermit her failure at teaching the Muppets proper etiquette.

Kermit: “Don’t take it too hard. Some of us, I’m afraid, would need a lot of work to be ready for a formal dinner party.”

Mildred: “Some of you would need a lot of work to be ready for a ‘come as you are’ party. I suppose it’s just as well. After all, you can’t make a silk purse out of sow’s ear.”

(Two female pigs enter, chatting. One has a silk purse for an ear.)

Female Pig #1: “I just love it! Très fashionable!”

Female Pig #2: “And the best part is, I haven’t lost my car keys since.”

(They exit. Kermit turns to speak, Mildred cuts him off.)

Mildred: “It was a figure of speech, you’re still beyond hope.”

(She exits. Kermit makes a scrunched face at the camera.)

MUPPET LABS: Bunsen invents the indestructible hard hat. Stuff drops on him while he keeps talking uninterrupted, unperturbed, and seemingly oblivious.

Bunsen: "It's shock proof,"

(Girder falls)

Bunsen: "-- explosion proof,"

(Bomb sticks to hat & explodes leaving a small flame)

Bunsen: "-- and fireproof."

(He squirts it with water)

Bunsen: "It's tested to withstand an impact of 5000 lbs."

(A 5000-lb. weight falls on him. He disappears behind the table. His hand reaches up with the intact hard hat and sets it down.)

Bunsen: "As you can see it's perfectly intact. However,"

(He struggles up from behind the table, his head squished into his shoulders.)

Bunsen: "-- as a small disclaimer, your body might fold like an accordion."

(He slinks off stage right.)

CURTAIN: Kermit enters.

Kermit: “And now, once again, Mr. Peter Falk!”

CLOSING NUMBER: Peter plays a German conductor (whose interjections are actually in Yiddish) called to a barn to lead the Gogolala Jubilee Jug-Band in their rendition of Mozart’s “Eine Kleine Nacht Musik”. At first, they play it too slow, with backbeats on jug, fiddle, etc. Then, when he gives them the correct tempo, they play the wrong rhythm (2/4 time instead of 4/4 time, like their rendition of “You Can’t Roller Skate in a Buffalo Herd”). Once they get the tempo and rhythm, they add more bluegrass style instrumental fills to the off-beats. They get really into it, whooping and hollering until it becomes a real hootenanny. Chickens in the background start firing off guns, two pigs come in and start square dancing, and Peter takes up the charge as square dance caller, with classical music themed puns, like:

Peter: “Off to market,
No tight fist.
Don't forget your
Chopin Liszt.”

(After the end of the song, Peter takes a straw hat from off screen and puts it on while accepting applause.)

GOODNIGHTS: Mildred confesses to Peter that she’s failed at teaching the Muppets proper etiquette in time for his formal dinner party. Peter tells her it’s not a formal dinner party, but an informal one –- a kosher luau!

Kermit: “How does that work?”

Peter: “Eh, lots of fish.”

Kermit: “Well, we’ll see you there!”
(to the audience)
“And we’ll see you all next week on The Muppet Show!”

(Peter, Kermit, Fozzie, Scooter, Mildred, Hilda, Miss Kitty (the purple monster) and the purple Jug-Band member (banjo player with sunglasses over his hat brim) gather around.)

Waldorf: “Well, the weight is over!”

(A 5000-lb. weight falls on Waldorf. Statler looks on.)

Statler: “Looks like the weight has just begun. Heh heh heh!”



Comments encouraged.

David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole

 

[Gorgon Heap]

Additions to Talk Spot:

TALK SPOT: Peter sketches Kermit. When he presents it to him, Behemoth comes along and eats the sketch, then, wondering aloud how the original tastes, chases after Kermit.

Peter: “Everybody’s a critic.”

 

[kathy26]

The Female Pigs are Jerry and Eren
and the Whatnot girl is Eren

 

[Gorgon Heap]

The Female Pigs are Jerry and Eren
and the Whatnot girl is Eren

Yep, that's correct.

 

[Gorgon Heap]

Dave is the Koozebanian, Richard is Mildred, except in "At the Dance", and Behemoth.

It's funny, when deciding who should play Mildred backstage, I realized she was only ever played by Frank Oz in "At the Dance" but played by Richard in all other projects -- "The Muppet Valentine Show", "The Cher Show" -- and in one of the two panel sketches she appeared in.