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Gorgon Heap
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Best known for her roles in "Gigi" (as Gigi's grandmother and guardian) and "The Music Man" (as the mayor's wife, Eulalie MacKecknie Shinn), she appeared once with the Muppets on "The Mike Douglas Show" duetting her best-known song, "I Remember It Well" with King Goshposh (introduced here as King Louie). Around the time of "The Muppet Show", she was reprising her Tony-nominated role from Stephen Sondheim's "A Little Night Music" in the film version. Submitted for your approval:
"It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Miss Hermione Gingold!"
SPECIAL GUEST STAR: HERMIONE GINGOLD
STYLE: MID-SEASON ONE (circa Candice Bergen, Avery Schreiber)
OPENING THEME:
FOZZIE: “Ah, I never thought I’d have to ask this, but how do you throw away your old garbage can?”
HERMIONE GINGOLD: in the closing number set with Piggy, Fozzie, Gonzo, Rowlf, Animal, Zoot, George the Janitor, Mildred & Hilda
GONZO: Lenny the Lizard rushes in and hits the O first.
CURTAIN: Kermit introduces a new musical sensation that he’s grooming for stardom: Kerman’s Kermits!
OPENING NUMBER: “Silhouettes” - Frogs sing on a suburban block, as the lead frog sings about his girl with another man making silhouettes on the window shade. When he pounds on the door, Beautiful Day Monster and Miss Kitty answer, yelling that he’s on the wrong block (foreshadowed by the subtle and fleeting appearances of monsters at neighboring windows throughout). As he rushes down to his girl’s house with wings on his feet, he’s actually being carried by birds. Reveal his girlfriend is Lydia the (tattooed) Pig. She throws herself at him and, at the end, drags him inside.
Statler: “I'll never understand popular music.”
Waldorf: “I'll never understand pigs throwing themselves at frogs!”
Statler: “... Touche.”
BACKSTAGE: Kermit gives encouragement to the frogs and shares a brief exchange with Lydia. Piggy enters, jealous of Lydia. While Kermit likes that Lydia is sweet and demure, he adds that he probably wouldn’t get serious with anyone who was in show business.
Kermit: “After all, a man’s lily pad is his castle, and there are certain aspects of domestic life that I just don’t think you’d adjust to.”
(Kermit exits. Piggy calls after him.)
Piggy: “Is that so?!”
(aside)
“I’ll show him. I'll be so domestic he'll turn green with envy! Er...”
SONG: “The Night They Invented Champagne” - Hermione sings while Crazy Harry explodes champagne corks
Waldorf: “"You know, I could go for a touch of the bubbly right about now.”
Statler: “Me too!”
(A flurry of bubbles drifts down on them from the ceiling.)
Statler: “Do you have to be so literal about it?!”
(S & W sputter.)
BACKSTAGE: Piggy pushes in an easy chair draped with accoutrements.
Kermit: “Piggy, what is all this?”
Piggy: "It's to help you relax, my darling! Allow me."
(She drags him under the desk, where we hear scuffling and Kermit’s muffled protests. Piggy pops up.)
Piggy: “There!”
(Kermit slowly rises up, wearing a smoking jacket.)
Piggy: “I brought your easy chair, and your robe, a newspaper, slippers for your flippers...”
Kermit: “Yeah.”
Piggy: “And your favorite pipe!”
Kermit: “I don't smoke a -- gulp!”
(She shoves the pipe in his mouth.)
Piggy: "Now, you just leave everything to me, dearest."
(She looks around the desk.)
Piggy: “Um... what's next on the show?”
Kermit: “Ah, “At the Dance”.”
Piggy (cheerily into intercom): ““At the Dance”, everyone!”
Kermit: “Places, please.”
Piggy (repeating): “Places, please.”
(The dancers head leisurely toward the stage.)
Kermit (aside): “I don't believe this.”
Piggy (repeating, to dancers): “I don't believe this! When I call places, please, I expect you to hustle!”
(They start dancing the hustle.)
Piggy: “KNOCK IT OFF! All right, MOVE! Move! Move!”
(The dancers run for the stage.)
Piggy: “Get out there!”
(She turns to Kermit.)
Piggy: “Isn’t it wonderful to have a partner who makes life easier?”
(Piggy sighs. Kermit grimaces, unnoticed by Piggy.)
AT THE DANCE: The theme is played as a tango (i.e., the Sandy Duncan & Candice Bergen episodes). Cut to Zoot and Janice.
Janice: “Do you believe in a lifestyle of excess?”
Zoot: “Sure, baby, but only in moderation.”
(Zoot nods while Janice looks confused. Cut to George and Mildred.)
George: “I was drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when a thought came to me.”
Mildred: “What’s that?”
George: “I really need to wash some cups.”
(Mildred shakes her head. Cut to Hillbilly Singer (Pa) with Jug-Band Girl.)
Pa: “Slim, Zeke and me is fixin’ to start a hillbilly day care service.”
Hillbilly Girl: “What’re you gonna call it, Pa?”
Pa: “What else? The Hootenannines.”
(It takes two pigs to tango.)
Female Pig: “Before I forget, I need to give you my new telephone number.”
Male Pig: “Oh? Why’d you change it?”
Female Pig: “Well, I had to! Just last week, I got three obscene hog calls.”
(Cut to Animal & red-haired Female Whatnot. She’s wearing a football helmet and, over her usual pink sweater, football pads.)
Female Whatnot: “After all this time dancing with you, I’m finally ready for anything.”
(Animal bites her on the arm. She screams.)
Animal: “Almost. Ha ha ha.”
CURTAIN: Kermit enters.
Kermit: “Tonight, the Great Gonzo has promised a unique and modern take on the venerable art of classical dance. I don’t know quite what to expect, myself, but one of the good parts is that narrating this performance will be our guest star, Hermione Gingold!”
(APPLAUSE)
GONZO’S ACT: reveal a colonnade with proscenium curtains on either side. Hermione enters from screen left, in front of the colonnade, and Gonzo from screen right, behind the colonnade.
Gonzo: “I want to thank you for narrating this piece, Ms. Gingold. I hope you don’t mind.”
Hermione: “Oh, not at all, Gonzo. I adore Delsarte displays.”
Gonzo: “Del, sarte do I!”
(They share a chuckle.)
Gonzo: “I just have to put on my costume. Go ahead with your introduction.”
(Gonzo exits, screen left.)
Hermione: “All right. Ladies and gentlemen, now presenting Gonzo the Great and his Muppet Eurhythmic Dance Ensemble.”
(Gonzo, Mildred, Wanda, Mahna Mahna, and Boppity enter from screen left, wearing togas and, on their heads, floral garlands.)
Hermione: “One Grecian urn, potted with poison ivy.”
(The Muppets hold hands and form a circle, lean backward, and occasionally scratch.)
Hermione: “Two Grecian urns, getting knocked over by a motorcycle.”
(The Muppets pair off forming two circles with their held hands, as Gonzo runs in going “vroom, vroom” and knocks them all over.)
Hermione: “A fountain, overflowing with chocolate fondue.”
(The Muppets form a circle with Gonzo in the center, flinging his arms and going “splash, splash” while the Muppets smack their lips and go “mm”.)
Hermione: “A helicopter, attempting takeoff from the middle of a swamp.”
(The Muppets cluster. Gonzo pops up in the center, twirling. He goes faster and faster. Cutting to a wide shot, he’s twirling so fast that the whole group becomes airborne.)
Hermione: “Oh, dear. Look out!”
(CRASH! The Muppets plummet to the ground. They stagger to their feet, and Hermione comforts and cuddles them. FADE OUT.)
UK SPOT: “Flag That Train to Alabam’” - The Guru sings, accompanied by Rowlf in front of the latter’s musical number set.
Rowlf: “Are you really from Alabama?”
Guru: "Well, not exactly, though my homeland has been compared to Tuscaloosa.”
Rowlf: “How come?”
Guru: “Well, you see, the elephants there don't use a denture adhesive, so the --”
Both: “-- Tusk are looser!”
SKETCH: “The Monster Trash Can Dance” (new recording of the sketch performed previously on "The Ed Sullivan Show")
TALK SPOT: Sam interrupts Kermit, thrilled to have a guest with taste and dignity, only for Hermione to show him how silly she can be, culminating with her shoving a pie in Sam’s face.
BACKSTAGE: Piggy enters with a pie, claiming to have baked it. Kermit isn't hungry but will save it for later. He asks what kind of pie it is. She pulls out a slip of paper and tries to read it without him seeing.
Piggy (reading): “Uh, ruse bury un cream.”
Kermit: “Beg pardon?”
Piggy: “Oh! Raspberry and cream! Go ahead, taste it.”
(Kermit tastes it, and tries to hide his disgust, quickly excusing himself and running toward the stage.)
Piggy (hollering off screen left): “Swedish Chef! You blew it again!”
(She runs off screen left, growling, to find him and chase him down.)
SONG: “Raindrops Keep Fallin’ on My Head” - Fozzie strolls and sings in a park with an umbrella, passing Muppet passersby including a “guy whose feet are too big for his bed” and a red-eyed Whatnot Monster (from the opening credits).
BACKSTAGE: Kermit speaks into the intercom.
Kermit: “Veterinarians’ Hospital, on next. Veterinarians’ Hospital on stage, please.”
(Rowlf and Janice head for the stage. Piggy enters.)
Piggy: “Kermit, we need to have a talk.”
Kermit: “Yes we do.”
Piggy: “I'm getting tired of all this doting on you. I mean, I'm working my fingers to the bone, and what thanks do I get?”
(Kermit tries to respond but Piggy cuts him off before he can speak.)
Piggy: “I'll tell you what thanks I get: nothing! I tell you, Kermie, I'm just not cut out for domestic life. You'll just have to --”
(Dramatically, with a flourish)
“-- take me as I am!”
Kermit: “I understand, Piggy. I certainly wouldn't want you to change who you are on my account. Frankly, you've lavished enough attention on me in one evening to last the rest of my life...”
(Aside)
“... Which won't be very long if I have to take much more of this.”
Piggy: "Well, you know I don't do anything halfway.”
(She heads for the stage.)
Kermit: “That's true. I can always expect you to go whole hog.”
(Kermit chuckles. Piggy sticks her head back in and growls at Kermit, who gulps. Piggy exits to the stage.)
VET’S HOSPITAL: Catgut is the patient, and Dr. Bob resents having to treat her, building to him barking at her, her yowling and hissing at him, and culminating in his chasing her around the operating room.
CLOSING NUMBER: “When the World Was Young” - in front of a red-lit background, Hermione sings, backed by a chorus of Rowlf, Zoot, George the Janitor, Mildred, Hilda, the Guru, and Big Mary Louise, while Statler & Waldorf sing along from the balcony.
GOODNIGHTS:
Kermit: “Well, that about ties things up for this week, and we’d like to thank our special guest star, Hermione Gingold!”
(Hermione enters.)
Hermione: “Oh, thank you Kermit! I’ve had a delightful time.”
Kermit: “Oh, I am so glad.”
(Piggy enters.)
Piggy: “Oh, Kermit, my love?”
(Kermit sighs.)
Kermit: “Yes, Piggy?”
(Piggy holds up a cream pie.)
Piggy: “I have something for you.”
Kermit: “I appreciate it, but I’m, uh, too full to eat any more pie.”
Piggy: “Oh, THIS pie’s not to eat.”
Kermit: “It’s not?”
Piggy: “No.”
(She shoves the pie in Kermit’s face.)
Piggy: “Put THAT in your pipe and don't smoke it.”
Kermit (groaning): “We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.”
(Hermione, Kermit, Piggy, Fozzie, Gonzo, Crazy Harry (in chorus tux, not blowing things up), Hilda, and a Frog gather around.)
Waldorf: “Say Statler, now that the show’s over, want to go check out the local pool hall?”
Statler: “I would, but I don’t have my bathing suit.”
(Waldorf grimaces.)
Comments encouraged.
David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
"It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Miss Hermione Gingold!"
SPECIAL GUEST STAR: HERMIONE GINGOLD
STYLE: MID-SEASON ONE (circa Candice Bergen, Avery Schreiber)
OPENING THEME:
FOZZIE: “Ah, I never thought I’d have to ask this, but how do you throw away your old garbage can?”
HERMIONE GINGOLD: in the closing number set with Piggy, Fozzie, Gonzo, Rowlf, Animal, Zoot, George the Janitor, Mildred & Hilda
GONZO: Lenny the Lizard rushes in and hits the O first.
CURTAIN: Kermit introduces a new musical sensation that he’s grooming for stardom: Kerman’s Kermits!
OPENING NUMBER: “Silhouettes” - Frogs sing on a suburban block, as the lead frog sings about his girl with another man making silhouettes on the window shade. When he pounds on the door, Beautiful Day Monster and Miss Kitty answer, yelling that he’s on the wrong block (foreshadowed by the subtle and fleeting appearances of monsters at neighboring windows throughout). As he rushes down to his girl’s house with wings on his feet, he’s actually being carried by birds. Reveal his girlfriend is Lydia the (tattooed) Pig. She throws herself at him and, at the end, drags him inside.
Statler: “I'll never understand popular music.”
Waldorf: “I'll never understand pigs throwing themselves at frogs!”
Statler: “... Touche.”
BACKSTAGE: Kermit gives encouragement to the frogs and shares a brief exchange with Lydia. Piggy enters, jealous of Lydia. While Kermit likes that Lydia is sweet and demure, he adds that he probably wouldn’t get serious with anyone who was in show business.
Kermit: “After all, a man’s lily pad is his castle, and there are certain aspects of domestic life that I just don’t think you’d adjust to.”
(Kermit exits. Piggy calls after him.)
Piggy: “Is that so?!”
(aside)
“I’ll show him. I'll be so domestic he'll turn green with envy! Er...”
SONG: “The Night They Invented Champagne” - Hermione sings while Crazy Harry explodes champagne corks
Waldorf: “"You know, I could go for a touch of the bubbly right about now.”
Statler: “Me too!”
(A flurry of bubbles drifts down on them from the ceiling.)
Statler: “Do you have to be so literal about it?!”
(S & W sputter.)
BACKSTAGE: Piggy pushes in an easy chair draped with accoutrements.
Kermit: “Piggy, what is all this?”
Piggy: "It's to help you relax, my darling! Allow me."
(She drags him under the desk, where we hear scuffling and Kermit’s muffled protests. Piggy pops up.)
Piggy: “There!”
(Kermit slowly rises up, wearing a smoking jacket.)
Piggy: “I brought your easy chair, and your robe, a newspaper, slippers for your flippers...”
Kermit: “Yeah.”
Piggy: “And your favorite pipe!”
Kermit: “I don't smoke a -- gulp!”
(She shoves the pipe in his mouth.)
Piggy: "Now, you just leave everything to me, dearest."
(She looks around the desk.)
Piggy: “Um... what's next on the show?”
Kermit: “Ah, “At the Dance”.”
Piggy (cheerily into intercom): ““At the Dance”, everyone!”
Kermit: “Places, please.”
Piggy (repeating): “Places, please.”
(The dancers head leisurely toward the stage.)
Kermit (aside): “I don't believe this.”
Piggy (repeating, to dancers): “I don't believe this! When I call places, please, I expect you to hustle!”
(They start dancing the hustle.)
Piggy: “KNOCK IT OFF! All right, MOVE! Move! Move!”
(The dancers run for the stage.)
Piggy: “Get out there!”
(She turns to Kermit.)
Piggy: “Isn’t it wonderful to have a partner who makes life easier?”
(Piggy sighs. Kermit grimaces, unnoticed by Piggy.)
AT THE DANCE: The theme is played as a tango (i.e., the Sandy Duncan & Candice Bergen episodes). Cut to Zoot and Janice.
Janice: “Do you believe in a lifestyle of excess?”
Zoot: “Sure, baby, but only in moderation.”
(Zoot nods while Janice looks confused. Cut to George and Mildred.)
George: “I was drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when a thought came to me.”
Mildred: “What’s that?”
George: “I really need to wash some cups.”
(Mildred shakes her head. Cut to Hillbilly Singer (Pa) with Jug-Band Girl.)
Pa: “Slim, Zeke and me is fixin’ to start a hillbilly day care service.”
Hillbilly Girl: “What’re you gonna call it, Pa?”
Pa: “What else? The Hootenannines.”
(It takes two pigs to tango.)
Female Pig: “Before I forget, I need to give you my new telephone number.”
Male Pig: “Oh? Why’d you change it?”
Female Pig: “Well, I had to! Just last week, I got three obscene hog calls.”
(Cut to Animal & red-haired Female Whatnot. She’s wearing a football helmet and, over her usual pink sweater, football pads.)
Female Whatnot: “After all this time dancing with you, I’m finally ready for anything.”
(Animal bites her on the arm. She screams.)
Animal: “Almost. Ha ha ha.”
CURTAIN: Kermit enters.
Kermit: “Tonight, the Great Gonzo has promised a unique and modern take on the venerable art of classical dance. I don’t know quite what to expect, myself, but one of the good parts is that narrating this performance will be our guest star, Hermione Gingold!”
(APPLAUSE)
GONZO’S ACT: reveal a colonnade with proscenium curtains on either side. Hermione enters from screen left, in front of the colonnade, and Gonzo from screen right, behind the colonnade.
Gonzo: “I want to thank you for narrating this piece, Ms. Gingold. I hope you don’t mind.”
Hermione: “Oh, not at all, Gonzo. I adore Delsarte displays.”
Gonzo: “Del, sarte do I!”
(They share a chuckle.)
Gonzo: “I just have to put on my costume. Go ahead with your introduction.”
(Gonzo exits, screen left.)
Hermione: “All right. Ladies and gentlemen, now presenting Gonzo the Great and his Muppet Eurhythmic Dance Ensemble.”
(Gonzo, Mildred, Wanda, Mahna Mahna, and Boppity enter from screen left, wearing togas and, on their heads, floral garlands.)
Hermione: “One Grecian urn, potted with poison ivy.”
(The Muppets hold hands and form a circle, lean backward, and occasionally scratch.)
Hermione: “Two Grecian urns, getting knocked over by a motorcycle.”
(The Muppets pair off forming two circles with their held hands, as Gonzo runs in going “vroom, vroom” and knocks them all over.)
Hermione: “A fountain, overflowing with chocolate fondue.”
(The Muppets form a circle with Gonzo in the center, flinging his arms and going “splash, splash” while the Muppets smack their lips and go “mm”.)
Hermione: “A helicopter, attempting takeoff from the middle of a swamp.”
(The Muppets cluster. Gonzo pops up in the center, twirling. He goes faster and faster. Cutting to a wide shot, he’s twirling so fast that the whole group becomes airborne.)
Hermione: “Oh, dear. Look out!”
(CRASH! The Muppets plummet to the ground. They stagger to their feet, and Hermione comforts and cuddles them. FADE OUT.)
UK SPOT: “Flag That Train to Alabam’” - The Guru sings, accompanied by Rowlf in front of the latter’s musical number set.
Rowlf: “Are you really from Alabama?”
Guru: "Well, not exactly, though my homeland has been compared to Tuscaloosa.”
Rowlf: “How come?”
Guru: “Well, you see, the elephants there don't use a denture adhesive, so the --”
Both: “-- Tusk are looser!”
SKETCH: “The Monster Trash Can Dance” (new recording of the sketch performed previously on "The Ed Sullivan Show")
TALK SPOT: Sam interrupts Kermit, thrilled to have a guest with taste and dignity, only for Hermione to show him how silly she can be, culminating with her shoving a pie in Sam’s face.
BACKSTAGE: Piggy enters with a pie, claiming to have baked it. Kermit isn't hungry but will save it for later. He asks what kind of pie it is. She pulls out a slip of paper and tries to read it without him seeing.
Piggy (reading): “Uh, ruse bury un cream.”
Kermit: “Beg pardon?”
Piggy: “Oh! Raspberry and cream! Go ahead, taste it.”
(Kermit tastes it, and tries to hide his disgust, quickly excusing himself and running toward the stage.)
Piggy (hollering off screen left): “Swedish Chef! You blew it again!”
(She runs off screen left, growling, to find him and chase him down.)
SONG: “Raindrops Keep Fallin’ on My Head” - Fozzie strolls and sings in a park with an umbrella, passing Muppet passersby including a “guy whose feet are too big for his bed” and a red-eyed Whatnot Monster (from the opening credits).
BACKSTAGE: Kermit speaks into the intercom.
Kermit: “Veterinarians’ Hospital, on next. Veterinarians’ Hospital on stage, please.”
(Rowlf and Janice head for the stage. Piggy enters.)
Piggy: “Kermit, we need to have a talk.”
Kermit: “Yes we do.”
Piggy: “I'm getting tired of all this doting on you. I mean, I'm working my fingers to the bone, and what thanks do I get?”
(Kermit tries to respond but Piggy cuts him off before he can speak.)
Piggy: “I'll tell you what thanks I get: nothing! I tell you, Kermie, I'm just not cut out for domestic life. You'll just have to --”
(Dramatically, with a flourish)
“-- take me as I am!”
Kermit: “I understand, Piggy. I certainly wouldn't want you to change who you are on my account. Frankly, you've lavished enough attention on me in one evening to last the rest of my life...”
(Aside)
“... Which won't be very long if I have to take much more of this.”
Piggy: "Well, you know I don't do anything halfway.”
(She heads for the stage.)
Kermit: “That's true. I can always expect you to go whole hog.”
(Kermit chuckles. Piggy sticks her head back in and growls at Kermit, who gulps. Piggy exits to the stage.)
VET’S HOSPITAL: Catgut is the patient, and Dr. Bob resents having to treat her, building to him barking at her, her yowling and hissing at him, and culminating in his chasing her around the operating room.
CLOSING NUMBER: “When the World Was Young” - in front of a red-lit background, Hermione sings, backed by a chorus of Rowlf, Zoot, George the Janitor, Mildred, Hilda, the Guru, and Big Mary Louise, while Statler & Waldorf sing along from the balcony.
GOODNIGHTS:
Kermit: “Well, that about ties things up for this week, and we’d like to thank our special guest star, Hermione Gingold!”
(Hermione enters.)
Hermione: “Oh, thank you Kermit! I’ve had a delightful time.”
Kermit: “Oh, I am so glad.”
(Piggy enters.)
Piggy: “Oh, Kermit, my love?”
(Kermit sighs.)
Kermit: “Yes, Piggy?”
(Piggy holds up a cream pie.)
Piggy: “I have something for you.”
Kermit: “I appreciate it, but I’m, uh, too full to eat any more pie.”
Piggy: “Oh, THIS pie’s not to eat.”
Kermit: “It’s not?”
Piggy: “No.”
(She shoves the pie in Kermit’s face.)
Piggy: “Put THAT in your pipe and don't smoke it.”
Kermit (groaning): “We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.”
(Hermione, Kermit, Piggy, Fozzie, Gonzo, Crazy Harry (in chorus tux, not blowing things up), Hilda, and a Frog gather around.)
Waldorf: “Say Statler, now that the show’s over, want to go check out the local pool hall?”
Statler: “I would, but I don’t have my bathing suit.”
(Waldorf grimaces.)
Comments encouraged.
David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
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