TMS outline - Carol Kane! (by Gorgon Heap & kathy26)

Gorgon Heap

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AKA: The Return of Taminella Grinderfall! Submitted for your approval:

"It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Miss Carol Kane!"


SPECIAL GUEST STAR: CAROL KANE

STYLE: EARLY-MID SEASON TWO (circa Edgar Bergen, Steve Martin)

COLD OPENING: Scooter knocks and enters.

Scooter: “Carol Kane! 30 seconds to curtain, Miss Kane!”

(Reveal the Swedish Chef is already inside, with a cake.)

Carol: “Thank you, Scooter!”

Swedish Chef:
(Presents the cake to Carol)

Carol: “Oh, Chef!
(She thanks him in fluent mock Swedish)
“I love it.”

Swedish Chef: “Oo, Carol, you --”
(Sheepishly pays her a compliment)

Carol:
(Coyly returns the compliment in mock Swedish)

Swedish Chef:
(Openly flirts with her, then plants kisses on her hand)

Carol:
(Openly flirts with him in mock Swedish, then kisses him on the cheek)

(Talking over each other, they exchange giddy goodbyes in mock Swedish as the Chef exits. Scooter crosses to the makeup table.)

Scooter: “What was that all about?”

Carol (with mock indignance): “Scooter! I never discuss matters of the heart in public.”

(She smiles knowingly at the camera as Scooter looks puzzled.)

OPENING THEME:
S & W: Statler: “Well, no good will come of THIS.”
GONZO: his trumpet makes the sound of bagpipes, even after he takes it from his lips and tries shaking it and pecking at it to get it to stop. He sighs.

OPENING NUMBER: “Food, Glorious Food” – on the planet Koozebane, the Koozebanians (Hugga Wugga, Green & Purple Heaps, Fishface Fazoob, Drumhead Fazoob) sing while the Swedish Chef (in a spacesuit, occasionally taking a solo phrase in Mock Swedish) prepares the Koozebanian Phoob for the pot. A menu behind them reads: “Menu: Phoob”, and the Koozebanians change the words in a later verse to “Phoob, Glorious Phoob” etc. At the end, the Phoob escapes, and the Koozebanians descend on the Swedish Chef, shoving him into the pot.

(The Phoob pops up in Statler & Waldorf’s box.)

Phoob: “Excuse me, can I hide here?”

(Statler & Waldorf look at each other. Waldorf raises a dinner bell and starts ringing it.)

Statler: “COME AND GET IT!”

Phoob: “WHOOOAAA!”

(The Phoob runs away.)

BACKSTAGE: Kermit looks on as the Koozebanians chase the Chef backstage. The Phoob pops up from his hiding place under Kermit’s desk, giggling, but turns and flees once Kermit turns back and spots him. At that moment, Taminella Grinderfall enters, introduces herself to Kermit, and asks to do a spot on the show, announcing that she’s changing careers from wicked witch to actress.

Taminella: “Here, watch this!”

(She recites an incantation, giving herself a glamorous outfit with a chorus girl’s feathered headdress. Kermit is aghast.)

Taminella: “Don’t I wear it memorably?”

Kermit: “I’ll say! I might never be able to forget it!”
(aside)
“No matter how hard I try.”

Taminella: “There must be a place out there for someone with my beauty and talent.”

(She starts singing –- horribly. Kermit holds his ears as she continues obliviously.)

Kermit (aside to camera): “I’ll never criticize Piggy again!”
(to Taminella)
“Hold it! STOP! Stop, hold it! That is the WORST singing I have ever heard! You cannot do a spot on the show tonight.”

Taminella (threatening): “Oh, YEAH?”

Kermit: “Thanks, but no thanks. We’ll survive without you.”

Taminella: “Well, we’ll just see about THAT!”

(She recites an incantation and turns Kermit into a green Koozebanian Phoob.)

Taminella: “How do you rate your chances of survival now, Frog?”

(The Koozebanians return, spot him, and chase him away.)

Taminella (aside to camera): “Aren’t I a stinker?”

(She chuckles.)

CURTAIN: Piggy is on stage.

Piggy: “Since my beloved Kermit is...”
(looks over her shoulder)
“... indisposed, I shall introduce tonight’s guest star. Here she is, one of the great ladies of comedy, and my dear personal friend --”
(leans back, aside, under her breath, to someone offstage)
“What’s her name again?”
(beat, she nods and leans forward to address the audience)
“Miss Carol Kane!”

SKETCH: Sweetums makes a wish on a wishing well for a beautiful lady. He throws a coin, and hears a high-pitched “Ow!” coming from the well. When he pulls up on the rope, he meets the Fairy of the Wishing Well (Carol). They commiserate on their respective situations and loneliness, with Sweetums lamenting living alone in a big cave, while Carol laments living in a cramped wishing well, sending them into a duet of “My Ideal”. After the song, Sweetums has the idea of her coming home with him and picking her up to carry her away. She protests at first, then has a thought.

Fairy: “How big did you say your place is?”

(Sweetums whispers the answer.)

Fairy: “Vaulted ceilings, you say?”

Sweetums: “Yeah!”

Fairy: “... I suppose we could give it a try.”

(She speaks an incantation and waves her magic wand. When the smoke clears, nothing seems to have happened.)

Sweetums: “What was that?”

Fairy: “That was for your breath. Carry on!”

(He carries her away.)

Statler: “I'd wish for Carol Kane if I found a wishing well.”

Waldorf: “Me too, or a wish on the candles of my birthday cake!”

Statler: “Or at Christmas!”

Waldorf: “No, you couldn't do that. Then she'd be a Christmas Carol!”

(S & W laugh.)

BACKSTAGE: Sweetums enters. He and Taminella recognize each other.

Sweetums: “GASP! Tammy!”

Taminella: “Sweetums!”

(They embrace.)

Sweetums: “It’s been YEARS!”

Taminella: “It has!”

Sweetums: “You look awful!”

Taminella:
(beat)
“Oh, you silver-tongued flatterer. Tell me, did you ever eat that little frog?”

Sweetums: “Who, Robin? Naw, he and I are the best of friends now!”

Taminella: “Oh, Sweetums! Sigh, you’ve gone soft on me.”

(Sweetums exits. Kermit (still a Phoob) runs in, still being chased by the Koozebanians, now joined by Luncheon Counter Monster and Miss Kitty. Piggy enters, and grabs onto Kermit.)

Piggy: “HOLD IT! This is MY frog, er, Phoob, and anyone who wants to try to take him away from me will have to FIGHT ME!”

(The Koozebanians and monsters scatter. Piggy nods, satisfied.)

Kermit: “Oh Piggy, you were WONDERFUL. How can I ever thank you?”

Piggy: “I have a list.”

Kermit: “... I was afraid of that.”

Piggy (to Taminella): “And as for you, how DARE you transform MY frog, you wicked old witch!”

Taminella: “Wha? How dare ‘I’? How dare YOU! I’ll take ‘wicked’, I’ll take ‘witch’, but I draw the line at ‘old’!”

(She recites an incantation, and turns Piggy into a chicken.)

Taminella: “Hey, Sweetums!”

(Sweetums enters.)

Taminella: “How’d you like a nice chicken sandwich?”

Sweetums: “Don’t mind if I do!”

(Piggy screams. Sweetums chases her away.)

SAM’S EDITORIAL: Sam calls for more adherence to the wisdom of the Founding Fathers, until he realizes that Benjamin Franklin wanted the turkey as America’s national symbol instead of the eagle, leaving him to mutter in disgust that “Franklin can go fly a kite.”

SONG: “Wedding Day at Troldhaugen” – in a garden set under a floral arch, Rowlf introduces (and mangles the pronunciation of) the piano classic by Edvarg Grieg, but keeps getting interrupted by wedding personnel (the baker, the florist, the caterer (Swedish Chef), the wedding party, the minister)

UK SPOT: “Bread and Butter” – the Electric Mayhem plays and sings, with the Swedish Chef entering to sing the falsetto verse (an octave down) in Mock Swedish. When Animal eats the Chef’s tray of food, they switch the lyrics to:

No more bread and butter,
No more toast and jam,
He ate Chef out of house and home,
'Cause he's our wi-ld man.
No more bread and butter,
No more toast and jam,
He ate all Chef could offer, he's more
Animal than man


BACKSTAGE: Bunsen invents a transmogrifier to change Kermit and Piggy back. He has Beaker set it to “frog” and “pig”, but accidentally changes Kermit into a pig and Piggy into a frog!

ANIMAL’S DRUM SOLO: the center drum makes a squeaking sound whenever Animal hits it instead of a drum sound. When he leans in for a closer look, a pie comes out of it and splats him in the face.

BACKSTAGE: Now back to their normal selves, Kermit and Piggy prepare to confront and trick Taminella. Carol poses as the wicked witch Grizelda, with the transmogrifier hidden in her witch’s staff and a hidden microphone (in place of the ball at the staff’s head) running sound to a headset worn by Bunsen, who’s hidden in the dressing room with Beaker running the transmogrifier controls. Carol (as Grizelda) threatens Taminella to leave the theater, and turns her into a Koozebanian Phoob (with Taminella’s hair), leaving her to be chased away by the Koozebanians and monsters. Before they can celebrate victory, the transmogrifier starts to short out, with Bunsen and Beaker rushing out of the dressing room with the controls smoking and Carol catching a blast in the face. After the smoke clears, Carol seems to have disappeared. She staggers up from the bottom of the staircase, having turned into a pig.

Bunsen: “I think I can fix it.”

Kermit: “I’ll get someone out to stall on stage.”

Carol: “How am I ever going to explain this to my family?”

SONG: “The Entertainer” - excerpt by the piano-playing chickens

CURTAIN: Kermit enters.

Kermit: “And now, in the interest of highbrow culture... and to, ah, kill time while Dr. Bob checks the guest star for signs of trichinosis, the Great Gonzo will attempt to extract honey from a beehive while playing “Stardust” on the harmonica. Ladies and gentlemen, the Great Gonzo!”

GONZO’S STUNT: Gonzo accidentally startles the bees, leaving them chasing him back and forth while he screams into his harmonica.

CURTAIN: Kermit enters.

Kermit: “And now, once again, our very special guest star --”
(aside)
“Is she ready?”

Carol (O.S. from behind curtain): “IN A PIG’S EYE I’M READY!”

Bunsen (O.S. from behind curtain): “Just hold still, I think I’ve got it.”

(BOOM! Beat. As the smoke clears, Carol sticks her head out from behind the curtain, having turned back to her usual self.)

Carol: “OK, Kermit, I’m ready!”

Kermit: “Oh, good! Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Carol Kane!”

CLOSING NUMBER: “Doin’ What Comes Naturally” - Carol sings with Fozzie, Gonzo, Scooter, Floyd, Mary Louise, and cowboy Whatnots. Carol’s shooting leaves much to be desired, causing shenanigans, and the gun goes off accidentally at the end, causing chaos.

CURTAIN: Kermit brings out Carol.

Carol: “Thank you, Kermit, for a very MEMORABLE evening.”

(Taminella enters, having changed back into her rags and decided to return to being a wicked witch rather than an entertainer.)

Taminella: “I say when you’re good at something, stick with it.”

Kermit: “I agree, that's why we all stick to what we're good at.”

Taminella: “Let me know if you ever figure out what that is! Hehe.”

Kermit (frowning): “Touché.”
(to the audience)
“Anyway, we’ll see you next time on --”

(Taminella produces a popover and shoves it in Kermit’s mouth.)

Taminella: “Have a popover, Froggie!”
(to the audience)
“And we’ll see you next time on The Muppet Show! Hehe.”

Kermit: “Good grief.”

(Kermit, Carol, Taminella, Piggy, Fozzie, Gonzo, the Swedish Chef, and the Phoob gather around.)

Statler: “You know, there is one performer on this show I like.”

Waldorf: “Which performer?”

(Taminella pops up.)

Taminella: “You’re sweet, both of you!”

(S & W glance nervously at the camera.)



Feedback encouraged.

David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
 

kathy26

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OPENING NUMBER: “Food, Glorious Food” – on the planet Koozebane, the Koozebanians (Hugga Wugga, Green & Purple Heaps, Fishface Fazoob, Drumhead Fazoob) sing while the Swedish Chef (in a spacesuit, occasionally taking a solo phrase in Mock Swedish) prepares the Koozebanian Phoob for the pot. A menu behind them reads: “Menu: Phoob”, and the Koozebanians change the words in a later verse to “Phoob, Glorious Phoob” etc. At the end, the Phoob escapes, and the Koozebanians descend on the Swedish Chef, shoving him into the pot.
who performed the characters (besides the Swedish Chef) in this number?
SONG: “Wedding Day at Troldhaugen” – in a garden set under a floral arch, Rowlf introduces (and mangles the pronunciation of) the piano classic by Edvarg Grieg, but keeps getting interrupted by wedding personnel (the baker, the florist, the caterer (Swedish Chef), the wedding party, the minister)
who performed the characters (besides the Swedish Chef and Rowlf) in this number?
CLOSING NUMBER: “Doin’ What Comes Naturally” - Carol sings with Fozzie, Gonzo, Scooter, Floyd, Mary Louise, and cowboy Whatnots. Carol’s shooting leaves much to be desired, causing shenanigans, and the gun goes off accidentally at the end, causing chaos.
So Frank is Fozzie,Dave plays Gonzo,Richard is Scooter,Jerry is Floyd,and Louise is Mary Louise so the cowboy whatnots don't talk except sing correct?
 

Gorgon Heap

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who performed the characters (besides the Swedish Chef) in this number?
Jerry is the Phoob (think the kind of voice he used for Scred on SNL, Lenny the Lizard in the Florence Henderson episode), Hugga Wugga is still Frank, Dave as Fishface Fazoob, Richard and Jim as the Heaps, Drumhead Fazoob only sings as part of the chorus and is in the background otherwise.

who performed the characters (besides the Swedish Chef and Rowlf) in this number?
Frank is the baker, Jerry is the florist, Dave is the minister, Richard and Louise are the bride and groom, with Frank and Jerry returning to play best man, maid of honor, etc.

So Frank is Fozzie,Dave plays Gonzo,Richard is Scooter,Jerry is Floyd,and Louise is Mary Louise so the cowboy whatnots don't talk except sing correct?
Yes.
 
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