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Statler & Waldorf quotes...

Discussion in 'Classic Muppets' started by punkNpuppets, Oct 14, 2002.

  1. Frogster Active Member

    Statler: Do you think this show constitutes cruelty to animals?
    Waldorf: Not unless they're watching it.

    Waldorf: Tell me Statler, do you have any naval experience?
    Statler: Well I once saved a rat from drowning...
    Waldorf: Really, how?
    Statler: I gave him mouth-to-mouse resuscitation.
    muppetfan24/7 and Duke Remington like this.
  2. Duke Remington Active Member

    From the YouTube videos:
    Waldorf: Watching these videos makes me worry about the future.
    Statler: What future? At our age, tomorrow is a long shot.

    W: That was so bad, it locked up my computer!
    S: Quick! Let's get out of here before it finds the key!

    S: How many hits did that thing recieve?
    W: Unfortunately, not enough to kill it.

    S: I wish I could sing like that.
    W: You do?
    S: Yeah. It would save me the cost of a car alarm!

    S: Should we click on this "Digg" button?
    W: Absolutely! Let's keep digging until this thing is buried!

    W: That was awful!
    S: Well, it gets better if you wait.
    W: Why's that?
    S: The screen-saver turns on.
    W: That's good. I love those fish.

    From "Letters to Santa":
    W: This is my favorite Christmas tradition.
    S: Listening to Christmas carolers?
    W: No, heckling them.
    S: (to the rat carolers) You should sing "Silent Night"!
    W: Not the song. Just stay silent all night.

    From "The Muppet Christmas Carol":
    S: (to Scrooge): What a terrible pun. Where do you get those jokes?
    W: Leave comedy to the bears, Ebenezer.
  3. bingboingcutie Active Member

    Wait, I didn't see this one on the video release. Which version do you have?
  4. Duke Remington Active Member

    It's said shortly before the "Marley & Marley" song begins.
  5. Dominicboo1 Well-Known Member

    From The Muppet Show Season One DVD
    S- You know Waldorf?
    W-Yeah?
    S- I think we've been wrong all these years.
    W-What do you mean?
    S- I mean the Muppet Show isn't half as bad as we said it was.
    W- Really?
    S-No it's twice as bad!
    Both- Ho ho ho ho!
    Duke Remington likes this.
  6. Gonz21 New Member

    Milton Berle: Hey I've been a successful comedian half my life
    Waldorf: How come we get this half?

    Waldorf: What are you doing?
    Statler: I lost my gum. Hey lady will you toss my gum up?
    [A wig flies up into the balcony]
    Statler: You could've taken it out of the wig first!

    Waldorf: That puppet looked so alive
    Statler: Well that's more than I could say for you!

    Waldorf: That was a great number. I don't care what you say
    Statler: I thought it was dumb
    Waldorf: Maybe you're right
    muppetfan24/7 and Duke Remington like this.
  7. Dominicboo1 Well-Known Member

    (after the Old Lady Who Swallowed A Fly)
    W-Wonderful, but I think I swallowed my gum!
    S-How very dumb to swallow your gum!
  8. jgidley Active Member

    W: Maybe we should go on stage
    S: Yes, there's one leaving in five minutes; be under it!
    W: Don't heckle me you old fool heckle him!
    S: Is that a toupee you're wearing or did your cat die?
  9. DrDientes Active Member

    W: That was so bad, it locked up my computer!
    S: Quick! Let's get out of here before it finds the key! (Both laughed) No, I mean it! (Leaves)
    W: Ok. (Leaves)
    muppetfan24/7 and Duke Remington like this.
  10. Monstermaster New Member

    S:
    Do you think this show is educational?

    W:
    Yes..it will drive people to read books.
    muppetfan24/7 and Duke Remington like this.
  11. LouisTheOtter Well-Known Member

    I missed "From The Balcony" so I was tickled to read all those quotes about more modern movies. Thanks for posting those - looks like that was a better concept than I visualized when I (finally) found out about it!

    Good quotes all around, everybody. Lots of my favorites here ("I've seen detergents that leave a better film than this!"). Here are a few more:

    (Midway through the Spike Milligan TMS episode, after Spike drops his pants twice and reveals Union-Jack and Stars-and-Stripes underwear in sequence)
    W: That's not funny! Anybody can drop their pants! (Drops his own pants)
    S: I didn't know you were Lithuanian!

    (At the end of the TMS Anne Murray episode)
    S: You know, something doesn't have to be funny to be good.
    W: What did you think of this show?
    S: It was good! (Laughter)

    (Following "Surfin' USA" on TMS Marty Feldman episode)
    S: Was that really Sinbad?
    W: No, but it was certainly SUNG bad! (Laughter)

    (I've already quoted this on another thread but I can't resist, even though I don't know which TMS episode it came from)
    W: You know, I don't think this show is suitable for children!
    Baby (Statler's grandson?): I don't think this show is suitable for ANYBODY! (Laughter)

    (TMS closing - I don't know the episode but I love the fourth-wall-breaking here)
    W: How do they do it?
    S: How do we WATCH it?
    W: WHY do we watch it?
    S (to the camera): Why do YOU watch it?

    (Muppets Tonight with Martin Short)
    Irving Cohen (Martin Short): Gentlemen, you know the biggest problem with the world today?
    S: They let this show back on the air!

    (The Muppets)
    S: If I didn't know better, I'd say you were exposing an important plot point! (I don't necessarily like the rest of the dialogue in this scene but that line always strikes me as funny)

    (During the Muppet Telethon opening theme)
    S: I always dreamed we'd be back here.
    W: Dreams? Those were NIGHTMARES! (Laughter)

    (At Just For Laughs Comedy Festival, during "Muppet Gala Show" opening theme)
    W: Why did we travel up here?
    S: I just don't know at all!
    W: It's kind of like a torture...
    S and W: To be in Montreal!
    (I nearly fell off my chair in a mixture of laughter, shock and delight upon hearing that)
    muppetfan24/7 and Duke Remington like this.
  12. snichols1973 Well-Known Member

    That reminds me of one particular opening rendition, although I forget which episodes it's from, even though I can't recall the actual words or the singing order, it goes something like this:

    :sleep:: Why do we always come here?
    :boo:: I guess we'll never know
    :sleep:: It's like some kind of torture
    (Both): To have to watch the show

    This particular conversation breaks the fourth wall:

    :boo:: I don't care much for puppets, I don't find them believable.
    :sleep:: I don't believe you!
  13. snichols1973 Well-Known Member

    :boo: (as Jacob Marley): Why do you doubt your senses?
    Scrooge: Because a little thing can affect them. A slight disorder of the stomach can make them cheat. You may be a bit of undigested beef, a blob of mustard, a crumb of cheese. Yes, there's more of gravy than of grave about you.
    :sleep: (as Robert Marley): More gravy than of grave?
    :boo:: What a terrible pun. Where'd you get those jokes?
    :sleep:: Leave comedy to the bears, Ebenezer!

    --------------------------

    :sleep:: We were always heckling you, Ebenezer.
    :boo:: It's good to be heckling again.
    :sleep:: It's good to be doing anything again!

    --------------------------

    :o (as Fozziwig): At this time in the proceedings, it is a tradition for me to make a little speech.
    :boo:: And it's a tradition for us to take a little nap.
    :o: My speech! Here's my Christmas speech. Ahem. "Thank you all, and Merry Christmas."
    :boo:: That was the speech?
    :sleep:: It was dumb!
    :boo:: It was obvious!
    :sleep:: It was pointless!
    :boo:: It was....... short!
    (both): I loved it!
    Duke Remington likes this.
  14. jgidley Active Member

    :sleep:Look! It's Ebenezer Scrooge!
    :boo:Looking older and more wicked than ever!
    :sleep:I knew he wouldn't disappoint us!
    Duke Remington likes this.
  15. mupcollector1 Well-Known Member

    Statler: Is that a tupay your wearing or did your cat die!



    Waldorf: Let's put this show out of it's missery
    (Both have guns and shoot the stage)


    Statler: We didn't miss them, we were shooting blanks.
    Waldorf: We were?
    Statler: Oh Course.
    Statler smacks the machine gun and it points to the celing and celing tiles drop
    Statler: Well some of them were blanks.


    Statler: Didn't watch that, made me Dizzy, how about you?
    Waldorf falls off the Balcony.


    These are some of my favorites.
    Wasn't there one where Waldorf thinks his a frog and says "Ribbit, Ribbit" and jumps off the Balcony? Which episode was that from? lol I love it when they fall off the balcony. lol
    jgidley likes this.
  16. cjd874 Well-Known Member

    Some closing quotes from select MS episodes:

    From Season 2 with Madeline Kahn:
    Statler: We got our money's worth tonight!
    Waldorf: But we paid nothing.
    Statler: That's what we got!
    Both: Doooo-hohohohoho!!!!

    From Season 3 with Liberace:
    Statler: Finally we've seen them do a good show!
    Waldorf: Good! Can we PLEASE stop coming now?
    Both: Doooooo-hohohoho!!!!

    From Season 5 with Paul Simon:
    Statler (waking up Waldorf): Hey, you old fool! You slept through the show!
    Waldorf: Who's an old fool? YOU watched it! Heheheheheh!!!! (Statler frowns.)
    jgidley likes this.
  17. Auberoun Member

    From Episode 203 of TMS w/ Milton Berle: (My personal favorite episode)
    Sorry for the length, but you can't really cut any of it out, since it is such a good example of :sleep::boo:
    Both: Funny, Funny!
    Berle: Oh, It's you guys, the bear warned me about you two
    Statler:Hey, Berle!
    Berle:What?
    Statler:Hey, Berle? You know what? I'm just figure out your style.
    Berle:Really?
    Statler:You work like Gregory Peck.
    Berle:Gregory Peck is not a comedian.
    Statler:Well?
    Berle:Just a minute, please. I have been a successful comedian for half of my life.
    Waldorf:How come we got this half?
    Berle:Did you two come in here to be entertained or not?
    Statler:That's right.
    Berle:What's right?
    Statler:We came in here to be entertained and we're not.
    Berle:Oh, yeah? I'd love to see you come down here and be funny.
    Waldorf:You first!
    Berle:"Ha, ha, ha", the audience! "Ha, ha, ha"! Don’t pay any attention to old folks. Let me tell the story. (Begins to tell the story, when interuppted by Statler again.)
    Statler:Hey, Berle!
    Berle:Ohhh... Yeah, what is it? What is it?
    Statler:You know what you're doing wrong?
    Berle:What I'm doing wrong?
    Statler:Standing too close to the audience.
    Berle:Oh, yeah? How is this?
    Statler:You're still too close.
    Berle:Oh, sorry. Is this okay?
    Statler:Now little more.
    Berle:How far back do you want me to go?
    Statler:You got a car?
    Berle:Let me tell you something: If you don't stop, I'll have the usher throw you out!
    Waldorf:He can't. He's too busy.
    Berle:Doing what?
    Waldorf:Keeping people in!
    Berle: (to the audience) And you encourage him! That's what you're doing! (to Statler and Waldorf)You know, guys? I got good mind to punch you in your nose.
    Waldorf:Please not while I'm holding it.
    Berle:That's very funny.
    Waldorf:Ah, you can use it.
    Berle:I don't need your material, pal. I got a million funny lines in the back of my head.
    Statler:How come they never reach your mouth?
    Berle:Gentleman! Will you please take it easy? You think I'm doing this for fun?
    Statler:Not so far!
    Berle:Oh, I see. You think you could do better?
    Statler:I couldn't do worse.
    Berle:Allright.
    Waldorf:We should.
    Berle:Oh, yeah? You sing?
    Statler:No.
    Berle:You dance?
    Statler:No.
    Berle:Can you get laughs?
    Statler:No
    Berle:Then what would you do?
    Waldorf:Just what your doing.
    Berle:Okay, that's it! That's it! I'm going to call the police!
    Statler: Good idea, you need all the protection you can get.
    Gonzo:Could I help you out?
    Berle:Please.
    Gonzo: Which way did you came in?
    DrDientes and jgidley like this.
  18. cjd874 Well-Known Member

    S: Well did you like that number?
    W: Speak up!
    S: I said, did you like that number?
    W: I liked what I heard!
    S: What did you hear?
    W: "Did you like that number?"
    S: Ugh!
  19. Dr TeethFan Active Member

    :sleep:I've always dreamed we would be back here
    :boo:Dreams?Those were nightmares!

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