Muppet fic: Once in a Lifetime

[The Count]

Oh, a number in the show? How exciting, her parents must be proud.

Heh, I can see it now, Sesame Farm. With sometimes cameos by who is fluent in both chicken and duck himself. And it would be nice if Billie were cast, it'd reinforce that thought from toughpigs, that Disney and Sesame can work together instead of be immortal feuding enemies like Stephen Colbert views Jimmy Fallon.

 

[Slackbot]

Oh, Billie's not ready for a starring role just yet. They haven't been grooming her for the stage. But if she really wants in on an act, and there's a natural spot for her, well, why not?

I wish that Disney and Sesame could work together more! But I also wish for four-day weekends and calorie-free bacon, and I'm not holding my breath on either of those. But in my continuity the Muppets are Disney-free. They've come back from obscurity on their own, and are doing fine without corporate overlords, including the late J. P. Grosse. Ain't that a nice fantasy?

 

[The Count]

So long as they own the theater too, not having to deal with Bitterman Banking & Loans, then it's a nice ficverse you've got.

 

[Slackbot]

Nope, no Bitterman. During the period when Bitterman owned the theater, in The Universe In Which Kermit Had Been Born, the theater was closed and quietly mouldering in my universe. The Muppets owned it--J.P. Grosse had willed it to them--but they had not been doing stage shows, thus they hadn't kept it up. When they decided to revive the Muppet Show it was so far gone that it needed to be gutted and renovated.

(If Grosse hadn't willed it to them, Gonzo and Camilla's settlement could have gone a fair distance toward buying it back.)

 

[The Count]

That's nice to think of it that way. If only my own realm could stop dragging its feet... Just have waay too much, trying to organize it all drives me a bit batty at times, trying to reduce and simplifiy things fright now. Hope another chapter comes from all this muffining we've been carting today.

 

[Slackbot]

A teaser for the next chapter...

Scooter picked up a clipboard and started across the stage. He made it partway before being smacked in the face by a whirling fish. Lew Zealand was practicing, so Scooter couldn't really complain; he was only taken unaware because the fish had been on its return arc.

 

[The Count]

Heee, that makes me smile. Especially since Scooter's postcard scene from TMTM is one of my most fave laugh-out Muppet moments.

 

[Slackbot]

Huh, I don't remember that scene. Knowing Scooter, he was probably selling popcorn somewhere. Was it sardine flavored?

 

[The Count]

No... Scooter was the movie usher responsible for taking patrons' tickets and handing them their 3-D glasses. Chef was at the popcorn cart, tossing a handful of popped kernels into the air to the gofer's shegrin. Then Lew walks in, gives Scooter his ticket, then walks off into the theater. Scooter catches up with him saying, "Sir, you forgot your glasses." Lew replies in similar hushed tones what he does... The in-movie woman VO states "The fish are attacking!"... To which Lew starts his act freaking out the rest of the audience watching the movie. It's just the best funniest moment of the movie to me.

 

[Slackbot]

Grab one of the many muffins in this thread and sit back for another chapter of

Once in a Lifetime​

Part 8: Behind the Wheel of a Large Automobile​

by Kim McFarland​

*****


It was the second day of filming for Teeny Weeny Queenies. It was not quite as difficult for Piggy to go in, now that she knew what she was facing. She and Kermit—dear Kermie!—had had a long, emotional talk the night before. Somehow he had drawn out of her things that she had known but had not let herself think about, how seeing these girls and their parents reached back into the worst memories of her childhood. But she was not powerless this time, she was not her mother's pawn, living out her mother's fantasies. And maybe these girls were in that situation, but then again maybe they weren't. Maybe they really did want to be stars.

Thinking about it that way made things much clearer to her. If these girls wanted to go for it, they ought to have a chance to show the world what they have! Piggy could open doors for them, with a karate kick if necessary. Oh, it would derail the show, but she would feel no guilt about that. Taking her cue from Gonzo, she had studied the contract very thoroughly to figure out what she could get away with.



The studio people welcomed Piggy and waved her to the sound stage. They didn't suggest she visit the makeup artist; her agent had informed them that she was quite capable of taking care of her own beauty, and to suggest otherwise would be considered less than friendly. She did drop by her dressing room to change out of her street clothes. She knew she was a knockout in a well-cut blouse, designer jeans, and tasteful sandals, but she did make some concessions.

When she walked onto the sound stage the girls were all there in their pretty clothes. She noticed with relief that the formalwear competition seemed to be over; they were wearing dresses that wouldn't be out of place for children of their age in the real world, and the makeup had been dialed down several notches. Smiling, she said, "Hello, girls!"

They chorused back like schoolchildren, "Hello, Miss Piggy."

She sat down and said, "Before we start the show, let's just talk for a few minutes. I know your names and the talents you want to use on the show. But what do you want to be when you grow up?"

Most of the girls glanced around, surprised. They didn't look at each other; they were looking offstage, where the cameras and their parents were. Piggy said sweetly, "Cameras off, please."

Someone who appeared to think she was directing the show said, "Miss Piggy, we don't want to miss anything."

Piggy repeated, "I said, cameras off. Please."

The director nodded unwilling confirmation to the camera operators. The red lights on the machines blinked out. Piggy said to the girls, "Now, it's just vous and moi."

The cockatoo with the brightly-colored hair said haughtily. "I want to be a model all my life. I'm already a model."

Some of the other girls rolled their eyes, and Miss Piggy didn't find Tessie's attitude any more winsome than Piggy did. But that was neither here nor there. She said, "You have quite a head start, Tessie. Next?"

The sheep—Duffy, Piggy remembered—said, "I want to be on TV."

"What do you want to do on TV?" Miss Piggy asked encouragingly.

Duffy looked over to her mother for help. Her mother tapped her lips, and Duffy said, "I want to sing," with a bright smile.

Your mother wants you to sing, Piggy mentally translated. "Good. Next?"

After a pause Pepper, the lizard, said, "I want to be in shows, but I'm not sure what I'm going to be best at. I'm taking dance classes and piano, and I like to sing too."

The other girls glanced between themselves. They clearly didn't think much of Pepper, who was by far the least attractive of the bunch. But she was going to have exactly the same chance as the others, Piggy decided. She said, "All that? That's wonderful. Molly?"

The kitten, who was the stillest and quietest of the bunch, said in a small voice, "I don't know."

"Do you have any ideas? Anything you'd like to be?" Miss Piggy said gently, trying to draw her out. Molly shook her head. "Well, that's all right. I didn't know what I was going to be when I was your age either."

"I'm going to dance," said Kate, a spaniel with ribbons on her ears that make them look like pigtails. "I can dance like in the videos."

Julie, the bubblegum-pink monster, said, "I dance too. Kate and I dance together."

"We're a team."

"Yeah."

Now that Piggy thought about it, the two girls were dressed to go together. The monster was wearing orange, the same color as Kate's fur, and Kate had on a pink dress, and their ribbons matched. Their voices even went well together. What happened if a competition came down to the two of them? Piggy didn't want to think about that. She said, "That's great. Now, today we're going to take a field trip!"

The girls exclaimed in surprise and excitement. The director looked annoyed. Piggy stood and said, "Excusez-moi for a moment." She went over and said, "Get a limo or some cars or whatever you have for these girls and their parents. We're going out today."

"Miss Piggy, we're going to shoot today's show right here," the director said frantically.

Piggy said in a voice like a silken glove containing a steel fist, "No, dear, we aren't. We are going out. I have already made reservations. This show has a travel budget; it was in the contract. As was the requirement that I teach these children what I know, in my own style. So be helpful and get the cars warmed up while we change. Your camera crew is welcome to tag along, of course."

*

By the time Janken arrived at the Muppet Theater everyone else was already there. It didn't look like they'd shifted into high gear yet. He went over to his console backstage left. Scooter had left him a page full of handwritten notes. There was a list of acts that would have their tech rehearsals today; he'd be filming them so so he could figure out how to light them and where to focus the cameras. The video they'd made yesterday had been picked up by the major fan sites and some other web pages, and was generating buzz among the fans. Janken unlocked the console and signed in. Then he glanced across the stage, saw Scooter at the desk on the other side, and tapped the intercom button. "Scooter, I'm here."

"Be right over."

Scooter picked up a clipboard and started across the stage. He made it partway before being smacked in the face by a whirling fish. Lew Zealand was practicing, so Scooter couldn't really complain; he was only taken unaware because the fish had been on its return arc. He picked it up and handed it to Lew, saying "The trainees are coming along."

"Oh, this is one of the pros! He's showing the others how it's done," Lew explained.

When Scooter reached the other side Janken wordlessly handed him a paper towel. Scooter wiped his face. "Thanks. See my notes?"

"Sure. Some acts are ready for tech rehearsal. I'm ready when they are."

"Here are the scripts." He handed several sets of stapled pages to Janken. The Fraggle would not be acting in them, but he would need them to take notes on. Janken took them and asked, "How about the backstage scenes?"

"I wish! We're not there yet." He put down the clipboard and leaned against the wall. "So, what'd you do for fun last night?"

"I went to the karaoke bar again."

"What'd you sing?"

"An Innocent Man. I was pretty good. I wish you'd been there."

"Me too. Once all this is over I promise I'll come with you. Did you only sing once?"

"Yeah. I met someone there, and we talked a while."

"Oh. Muppet fan?"

"Yeah. He looks like he could be a Muppet himself. I didn't recognize him or his name from any of the message boards, though. Fleet."

"Fleet?" Scooter asked, startled.

"Yeah. Sounds like a screenname, doesn't it?"

"What did he look like? About my size, skinny, light hair, dark round glasses? Really nosy?"

"Yeah, except he didn't have much of a nose. He did ask a lot of questions. Why?" Janken asked, wondering why Scooter looked alarmed.

"Jan, that's Fleet Scribbler. He is not a friend. Don't talk to him."

"What?"

"Really, stay away from him—"

Quietly Janken said, "Scooter, are you telling me who I may not talk to?"

Scooter paused. Janken was easy to get along with, but he had a few hot buttons. Thankfully he gave Scooter clear warning before getting miffed. He said, "Lemme back up. Janken, he's a reporter. But he doesn't write reports, he writes gossip and lies for a rag called The Daily Scandal. Remember when Gonzo and Camilla wanted to get married a few years back but couldn't, and the question of whether she's a person or not was in the news?"

"You told me about that. That was before I joined up. I didn't read it myself."

"Yeah. Well, he wrote a smear article about Gonzo. Accusing him of…well, saying that he was messing around with his pets."

"As in, not-people animals?" Janken said in disbelief.

"Yeah. It was ugly. I'd make you read it yourself to show you what kind of person he is, but I shredded every copy I found. I hope Gonzo never saw it. And when Miss Piggy stopped talking to him after he printed that, he did a smear on her saying she had had lipo and plastic surgery and junk. Doctored photos and everything."

Janken shook his head in disbelief. "Why would he say things like that?"

"Because that's his job! He writes trash for a trash paper. Think, Jan—did you tell him anything about us?"

"Us who?"

"Us anything!"

Janken held out a hand to Scooter. Scooter took it. Clasping Scooter's hand, Janken looked into Scooter's eyes and said, "Relax. He asked questions, but he just sounded like a curious fan. I didn't tell him anything about the show that isn't already out there. I did not talk about anyone else's lives because I don't talk about other people's lives. And I didn't tell him about us. I have more sense than to spill my guts to some random guy in a bar. Believe that."

Scooter sighed. Janken squeezed his hand. Scooter said, "I'm sorry. You're right. It's just that, after all the grief he's caused us, I get flinchy when he comes around. Please, if you see him again, be careful what you say."

"I understand. I will. Heh, I made him flinch."

"Really? How?"

"Well, he was being really friendly, and I thought he might have been coming on to me. So I told him that I was taken. He wasn't expecting that."

"I can imagine," Scooter said, grinning at the thought.


Soon several limousines and a studio bus pulled into an otherwise-empty parking lot. Miss Piggy, once again in her street clothes, stepped out of the first car. The girls and their parents got out of the others. As the film crew unloaded their equipment from the bus the director got up the nerve to ask, "Miss Piggy, what are we here for?"

"A skate party, of course. What else would you do at a roller rink?"

She stared the director down, silently daring her to protest. The director paused for a moment, then went over to the crew to give them their instructions.

Miss Piggy led the procession into the rink. Nobody else was there; she had rented it for a private party. "Everybody, go get your skates. They will have clean ones for you. What are your favorite songs?"

Tessie said, "I like Let's Get Excited by The Pointer Sisters."

Miss Piggy made a note. "That's a good one. Now, how about some more?"


She took one or two requests from each girl, added several of her own, and took the list to the manager while the girls were getting their skates. Piggy said, "Play these while we skate. No particular order, just put it on shuffle."

"The manager looked down the list, then said, "We don't have all of these songs."

"Then download them," she said pleasantly, and turned away, ending the conversation.

Miss Piggy had her own skates. They were royal blue, and made especially for her. She hadn't worn them but a few times since the filming of The Muppets Take Manhattan, but when she put them on for a practice run earlier today her old reflexes came right back.

The girls had their skates on, laced good and tight, thanks to a little help from their parents. They all looked eager, and even the parents were interested, Good! She stood before them, in full view of the cameras, and said, "Girls, you are about to see something that very few have witnessed." She paused dramatically, then said, "Me in flats."

The girls giggled. The cameras dipped toward her feet. She posed. Get it all, guys! She said, "Now let's get out there. You know what to do!"

The girls got up, and most went right into the rink. Duffy hung back. Miss Piggy said, "Come on, don't be shy."

"Miss Piggy, I don't know how to skate," she said in a soft voice.

"Haven't you ever roller skated before?" Piggy asked, surprised. Duffy shook her head, blushing with embarrassment. "It's all right. I'll show you. We'll skate together."

She held out her hand. The lamb took it. Piggy stepped into the rink. Piggy said, "Just hold my hand at first. I'll pull you." The small hand was tight in hers as she started off very slowly, at the very edge of the rink.

*

The director watched in utter bafflement. What had happened? It was only the second part of the series and she had completely lost control. When they had given artistic freedom to Miss Piggy, they had no idea that she would take it and run for the hills. She knew better than to try to curb her, though. If Miss Piggy's manner hadn't made it clear that she would not tolerate interference, the polite but quick conversation between the network and Piggy's lawyers just now would have.


Duffy began to find her balance. She experimented a little, and found that turning her feet a little allowed her to move forward. This was exciting! Holding onto Piggy's hand for balance, she tried speeding up a little—and her foot slipped out from under her. She fell, and pulled Piggy down with her.

There was a gasp from all of the film crew, and all of the girls stared. Miss Piggy got to her knees and pushed her hair out of her face, muttering "There's one for the blooper reel." Duffy, flat on the floor, was nearly in tears. The girls skated over. Piggy saw her face and said, "Oh, dear, are you all right?"

"I'm sorry, Miss Piggy," she said, and sniffled.

"Sorry? It's all right, I'm okay. How are you?"

"I'm-I'm not hurt. My wool protects me."

"Like a built-in pillow, huh?" Piggy said with a smile.

"Yeah."

"Well, since we're both okay, let's get up." She stood, and Duffy took her hand again.

Duffy said, "I won't fall again. I promise."

Piggy said, "So what if you do? When you try anything new, you take a chance of falling on your behind. But," She paused for effect, knowing that the girls surrounding them would get a giggle out of it, "so what? You'll get better at it. So don't worry. Let's have fun!"



The skate party went as Miss Piggy had hoped it would. The girls forgot about their rivalries and just had fun. Mostly; Kate and Julie made a point of showing off some trick skating. But when Pepper and Tessie got interested, they showed them how to do the same tricks. Interesting. Duffy and Piggy skated together, and Duffy had slipped a few more times, but she didn't get so upset. Molly was content just to skate quietly and sedately around the rink by herself.

Now everyone was in the break area, eating pizza and chattering, cameras forgotten. Miss Piggy had gotten an idea in between pratfalls. She said in a conspiratorial tone, "Girls, listen. You know all about pageants. You put on makeup and fancy clothes and walk around looking pretty. You don't need me to show you how to do that. But there's a lot more to life than looking good. How'd you like to see what show biz is really like?"

The girls exclaimed excitedly along the theme of "Yeah!" Piggy said, "Then tomorrow we'll take another field trip."

"You promise?" Molly said in her soft voice.

"Do you know what a pinkie promise is?"

"Yes."

"Well, I'm making a Piggy promise, which is even better." On a whim she touched her snout and said "Oink oink."

The other girls burst into laughter. Molly touched her nose and said "Oink oink," and soon all the girls were doing it and laughing. Miss Piggy laughed with them.

If Miss Piggy had remembered that they were being filmed at that moment, she wouldn't have cared.

*****

Miss Piggy, Kermit the Frog, Fleet Scribbler, and Scooter are copyright © The Muppets Studio, LLC and are used without permission but with much respect and affection. All other characters are copyright © Kim McFarland (negaduck9@aol.com), as is the overall story. Permission is given by the author to copy it for personal use only.